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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 20:24

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy I never once said the boy should get away without consequences so you might try reading all my posts. What I said was ALL parties need to be appropriately punished. Of course the boy should be punished, don't be so ridiculous. But so too should the girl who slapped him. End of.

Dillydaffy · 23/03/2021 20:24

What a truly horrible boy who no doubt will turn in to a horrible man. Probably heard his Dad speak to his Mum like that.
One of my friend's son referred to a girl at his school as frigid in front of me and all my younger children. His mum laughed. He was 11. Never seen her in the same light since.
Why oh why can't people bring their boys up better?

Lessthanaballpark · 23/03/2021 20:26

OP, I think that at this point you shouldn’t take it further because, what exactly do you want to achieve?

You want the boy to realise how misogynistic and hurtful his comment was and to know that girls are not going to put up with that shit.

He’s been dumped, he’s been slapped, he’s apologised. In short he’s gotten the message that this will not fly.

If your DDs friends hadn’t massively come out in support of her I might say otherwise but at this point I’d let it lie.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:26

ShinyGreenElephant appalling that you condone violence as a teacher, she had no right to strike him whatsoever

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:27

ShinyGreenElephant maybe she should have kicked him in the balls for good measure Hmm that will teach him.

thedancingbear · 23/03/2021 20:27

Yes girls shouldn’t hit boys when they sexually degrade and bully them, but please do show me the evidence that THIS is the overriding issue here

Violence is the overriding issue. The boy with the obviously misogynistic attitude may become violent if it goes unchecked.

The girl who hit him out of retribution is already there.

Unless we're happy that some violence is fine and some isn't, this has to be the right viewpoint.

EdgeOfACoin · 23/03/2021 20:28

Really depressed by the responses on this thread.

If a white child accused a black child of smelling bad, NO ONE would be sitting around on Mumsnet telling the black child that he or she needed to toughen up and to lighten up, it was just a stupid remark.

The internalised misogyny on here is really quite shocking. 'Boys will be boys, eh, girls?' 'Don't make such a fuss dear.' Personally, I think internalised misogyny is responsible for all the 'fishy' comments at girls' schools - these insults weren't formed in a vacuum with no input from the outside world.

And finally, I would say that the slap is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with aseparately.

Timeisavirtue · 23/03/2021 20:29

Ds13 has a little fucker in his year. The boy actively seeked out my son who has asd to bully him on several occasions. DS mostly ignored him. One day the boy said some really disturbing and disgusting things to my son like “I bet you rape your sister, if you don’t then I will” they were in year 7. One time my son told him he doesn’t care and the boy saw red and beat him up. My son is twice the size but didn’t retaliate. He’s still in the school. They just make sure they aren’t anywhere near each other, turns out he’s got problems apparently and it’s proven harder to kick him out. I know the SEN is actively trying to push a removal order though as my son is not the only one he’s beaten up.
Good on your dd best friend. Wish my DS had someone to stand up for him. He did in primary school but they grew apart at the beginning of year 7.

catpoooffender · 23/03/2021 20:29

What happened to your daughter is horrible OP but are you saying you'll reward her friend for slapping the boy? Surely that can't be right?

Ladydayblues1 · 23/03/2021 20:30

If I was the parent of the boy, I would of course punish him accordingly. He would be in doubt of what I thought of what he said.

However if I found out a girl had slapped him and no consequences were forthcoming because she was your daughters friend, I'd be fuming.

I would make a complaint against the girl with the school and against you for harassment outside of school hours.

As for the ridiculous comment up thread about the violence coming from ' a good place' I despair. So would that be quoted the next time a man slaps his wife because he's angry with her. Real double standards there.

Tread carefully OP this could blow up in your face.

Lessthanaballpark · 23/03/2021 20:31

she had no right to strike him whatsoever

Officially you’re right, but come on....

Coolandclamy · 23/03/2021 20:32

I’d tread carefully because the girl who hit him could be in bigger trouble.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 20:32

@EdgeOfACoin

Really depressed by the responses on this thread.

If a white child accused a black child of smelling bad, NO ONE would be sitting around on Mumsnet telling the black child that he or she needed to toughen up and to lighten up, it was just a stupid remark.

The internalised misogyny on here is really quite shocking. 'Boys will be boys, eh, girls?' 'Don't make such a fuss dear.' Personally, I think internalised misogyny is responsible for all the 'fishy' comments at girls' schools - these insults weren't formed in a vacuum with no input from the outside world.

And finally, I would say that the slap is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with aseparately.

I disagree that NO ONE would say suck it up in that case, they most certainly would 😔
ImAlrightThanx · 23/03/2021 20:32

The boy was in the wrong, but so was your daughters friend for reacting physically.
Yes, the boy should be spoken to/dealt with. I don't think he should be suspended for this, but his comments need addressing.
Physical violence in most schools would end in a suspension at the very least.

TwinkleStar88 · 23/03/2021 20:32

In Year 9, a girl asked my son if he shoved cucumbers up his gay ass.
According to Mumsnet, he should have verbally abused the girl and his friend should have slapped her to teach her a lesson.
A friend’s son was also nicknamed ‘ginger pubes’ by a group of girls at school.
This is only acceptable of course, if you’re a boy.
If the situation was flipped, the posters would be calling the boys ‘women abusers’ and the sexual references from the girl would
have gone ignored.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 23/03/2021 20:32

It is a disgusting comment and I honestly don't see anyone on this thread supporting it or condoning it, even those who aren't calling for this child's head on a spike placed in the student reception area to remind all other students...

Honestly I work in a school with children (and they are children) of this age and it's rare that I would tell a parent a comment like this had been made and they wouldn't be horrified and embarrassed and want to do everything they could to support us. Those who are screaming that this child is being dragged up and his parents are shit are either very lucky in that their kids have never done something that has horrified them, or their children aren't old enough yet to bring shame to their door. They do things like this and our reaction to that is what teaches them.

In my school boys and girls of this age make comments like this all of the time. And it is always challenged when I or one of my colleagues are made aware of it. Always. No I'm not going to push to exclude a child (you can't just 'send them home'...) for making such a comment, in the same way I wouldn't push to exclude a child for losing their rag because their friend has had a comment like this directed at them and lashed out. Because you know what? Schools are about learning, and part of that learning is fucking up and having to work out why everyone is so incensed at what you just said.

Misogyny should be challenged. Violence should be challenged. But lets not vilify a kid who probably doesn't even understand what the fuck his reference was to, or a kid who lashed out at someone who upset her mate. Most of the kids I've dealt with that age don't even understand what the implication behind having a 'fishy fanny' is, other than it's something that gets a reaction from who you're saying it to. They certainly cringe when you ask them to confirm what they said and the words they used though.

OP - your daughter had a horrible experience today but she will look to you for strategies on how to deal with that in the future. You've shown her not to accept abusive comments and to demand they be challenged. Is that not enough?

catpoooffender · 23/03/2021 20:33

And the boy who made the horrible comment has apologised three times but is still a little shit, yet the girl who slapped him deserves a pizza for her efforts?

If you really are a Y6 teacher that's worrying.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:34

Ladydayblues1

If I was the parent of the boy, I would of course punish him accordingly. He would be in doubt of what I thought of what he said.

However if I found out a girl had slapped him and no consequences were forthcoming because she was your daughters friend, I'd be fuming.

I would make a complaint against the girl with the school and against you for harassment outside of school hours.

As for the ridiculous comment up thread about the violence coming from ' a good place' I despair. So would that be quoted the next time a man slaps his wife because he's angry with her. Real double standards there.

Tread carefully OP this could blow up in your face

Completely agree, the boy was vile but its astonishing that people condone violence especially as the likelihood of her friend hitting someone had they been female not male.

Coolandclamy · 23/03/2021 20:35

@EdgeOfACoin please do not minimise racism by bringing it into this. Before you attempt to explain and argue why it is acceptable to compare this to racism, please educate yourself.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 20:36

@Ladydayblues1

If I was the parent of the boy, I would of course punish him accordingly. He would be in doubt of what I thought of what he said.

However if I found out a girl had slapped him and no consequences were forthcoming because she was your daughters friend, I'd be fuming.

I would make a complaint against the girl with the school and against you for harassment outside of school hours.

As for the ridiculous comment up thread about the violence coming from ' a good place' I despair. So would that be quoted the next time a man slaps his wife because he's angry with her. Real double standards there.

Tread carefully OP this could blow up in your face.

Sorry but what are you on about??!

I said the girl defending her friend from the misogynistic bully came from a good place when she intervened. Issue with that? BUT that her reaction of getting physical was of course innapropriate and not ok.

...you do realise that the person beating on a woman in this situation would be the bullying, misogynistic boy saying horrible things about a little girls’ private parts, right? Not the girl defending her friend against the bully and the laughing men who stood by and gave the abuser cover?

Please do explain how the girl in this situation would be the domestic abuser in your bizarre comments. She wouldn’t be the abused wife either, she would be a bystander who intervened to save the woman.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:37

TwinkleStar88

In Year 9, a girl asked my son if he shoved cucumbers up his gay ass.
According to Mumsnet, he should have verbally abused the girl and his friend should have slapped her to teach her a lesson.
A friend’s son was also nicknamed ‘ginger pubes’ by a group of girls at school.
This is only acceptable of course, if you’re a boy.
If the situation was flipped, the posters would be calling the boys ‘women abusers’ and the sexual references from the girl would
have gone ignored

So sorry to hear about what happened to your son I hope he's OK. Completely agree with your point and the double standards on here is a joke complete outcry when a lad said a vile.comment to a girl but it happens to be a boy it gets over looked.

Ladydayblues1 · 23/03/2021 20:37

Tear especially if you reinforced that behaviour with pizza as a reward FFS Hmm

You're just setting her up for greater trouble down the line when she hits the next person.

No one is covering themselves in glory in this situation.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:38

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy she only slapped him because he was male and knew he wouldn't get hit back would she have slapped a girl for the same comment its highly unlikely.

lap90 · 23/03/2021 20:38

@EdgeOfACoin

Really depressed by the responses on this thread.

If a white child accused a black child of smelling bad, NO ONE would be sitting around on Mumsnet telling the black child that he or she needed to toughen up and to lighten up, it was just a stupid remark.

The internalised misogyny on here is really quite shocking. 'Boys will be boys, eh, girls?' 'Don't make such a fuss dear.' Personally, I think internalised misogyny is responsible for all the 'fishy' comments at girls' schools - these insults weren't formed in a vacuum with no input from the outside world.

And finally, I would say that the slap is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with aseparately.

How do you know OP's child isn't black?

Did OP mention the races of the children involved?

Sweettea1 · 23/03/2021 20:39

Yes its disgusting what he said but suspended is a bit over the top do you think dd friend should be suspended to for slapping the boy?