Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

@KurtWilde

OP clearly doesn't want her DDs friend to face any kind of punishment for assaulting another student. Makes me question what kind of teacher would be ok with that tbh.

The OP has said no such thing.

@KurtWilde

OP clearly doesn't want her DDs friend to face any kind of punishment for assaulting another student. Makes me question what kind of teacher would be ok with that tbh.

Oh do shove off. It’s great the poor girl has a friend who wants to define her from bullies and sexual violence. Yes not done elegantly, but coming from a good place. Unlike your comments! Hope you enjoy defending misogynists and bullies

echt you haven't answered the question yes or no, also you can try and have a discussion without trying to be insulting, thats twice you've had a dig at me it just invalids your response.

Oh dear, if this is you and your daughters view then you’re in for a bumpy ride at high school. The comment was disgusting, I fully sympathise and understand your fury. BUT, this is high school and with all the will in the world, the kids will still say horrible things - they don’t think of consequences, they just think they’re acting the big I am in front of their mates. Should it be accepted? No. But realistically kids do say hurtful things - especially at that age and to have the expectation for him to be suspended or excluded just sets yourself and your daughter up for some serious disappointment. I’m not sure what the right answer is - which is why I don’t work in a school but stopping his education is daft, if anything he needs to be educated about respecting others and boundaries etc.

Your daughter’s friend was wrong too btw. Slapping him isn’t the answer either.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy so it's ok for a girl to slap a boy? What is that teaching her exactly? That violence is ok as long as it's not a boy aiming it at a girl?

@Teardrop2021

echt you haven't answered the question yes or no, also you can try and have a discussion without trying to be insulting, thats twice you've had a dig at me it just invalids your response.

I've said what I think. Read my posts.

Why don't schools tell the perpetrator's parents when comments like this are made. Surely if we want to teach our children what is acceptable and not, we need to know when they do/say something like this.

@Crocidura

thedancingbear The assault is far, far worse than the silly comment. Says the bloke

I'm a woman and also think that physical violence is worse than a misogynistic and insulting comment.

Thanks Crocidura

Don't get me wrong: it is an ugly and misogynistic comment. And I hope the boy is pulled up on it.

But physically hitting people - other than in self defence - is almost always going to be a worse offence. Even if we decide we only care about the welfare of women (and I don't think anyone's saying that), then it's violence, not words, than kill so many every year.

In suggesting that we are fine with violence in some contexts - dependent on who has committed it, and in retaliation for what - then we completely completely undermine any other message we're trying to convey.

If my DD made a homophobic comment and someone slapped her for it then I would tell her she got what was coming to her and be utterly disgusted in her.

I'm a lot calmer now as DD seems fine - I've taken her phone in case things escalate but all she's had is nice messages and a 3rd apology off the little shit in question. Weve had her fave takeaway and are watching a movie eating ice cream. I will see what the school come back with but I'm now probably happy to have it in writing with them and an assurance that if there's any kind of a repeat from him or anyone else that its taken extremely seriously.

Thanks for all the advice - a lot of it seems crazy to me but does give me a bit of perspective which will help me get my message across to his mum in the right way at least

It's a horrible comment but it's pretty tame going by what my girls tell me. She will need to toughen up.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy what I won't stand for is double standards. That's not a defence of a misogynist or a bully, that's just common sense. Two wrongs don't make a right, especially in a learning environment.

Omg what a massive over reaction. Maybe it would be more effective to teach young adults how to deal with stupid comments rather than act like it’s the end of the world

I have to say that this is a very depressing thread. School was actually a safe place for me and I did not have to put up with stuff like this.

Also, just amazed at it being "normal". I don't want this kind of normal for my daughter, or it be backed up by indolent school discipline either.

echt

Staffy1

echt

Teardrop2021
YukoandHiro I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this thread us bonkers. I wonder if a girl had made that comment it would have sparked as much outrage.
But that didn't happen, did it.

Oh look, a windmill......hmm

Yes, but the very good point being made was, would it have sparked so much outrage? Never mind though...you're obviously busy looking at a windmill.

Not at all.

I thought it was the usual tedious shit that makes it all about the boy.

Again.

Not really an answer and avoiding the question

@waltzingparrot

Why don't schools tell the perpetrator's parents when comments like this are made. Surely if we want to teach our children what is acceptable and not, we need to know when they do/say something like this.

Maybe the answer is that all the parents go "its normal" or "he made a mistake".

Ridiculous parents, in other words.

@bigbluebus

At my DS's school any form of physical violence resulted in a suspension. I'd be very careful that you don't end up getting your DD's friend suspended for slapping the boy if you push this to a further investigation.

I’m inclined to have with this. You do risk pushing the schedule instead investigating the slap. You could wait and see whether the boy’s behaviour improves. It should, given the response he was given by his peers.

Leave the other parent alone and let school deal with them. You should know this as a teacher.

@ShinyGreenElephant

If my DD made a homophobic comment and someone slapped her for it then I would tell her she got what was coming to her and be utterly disgusted in her.

I'm a lot calmer now as DD seems fine - I've taken her phone in case things escalate but all she's had is nice messages and a 3rd apology off the little shit in question. Weve had her fave takeaway and are watching a movie eating ice cream. I will see what the school come back with but I'm now probably happy to have it in writing with them and an assurance that if there's any kind of a repeat from him or anyone else that its taken extremely seriously.

Thanks for all the advice - a lot of it seems crazy to me but does give me a bit of perspective which will help me get my message across to his mum in the right way at least

but what do you intend to do about the assault - will you be talking to that girls parents too ?

[quote KurtWilde]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy what I won't stand for is double standards. That's not a defence of a misogynist or a bully, that's just common sense. Two wrongs don't make a right, especially in a learning environment. [/quote]
What are you on about, what are the double standards? We are talking about gender-based sexual violence here. We are talking about a precursor to one of society’s biggest issues, which boys are learning is ok. And which is leading to the deaths and terrorising of women. Many girls feel deeply uncomfortable getting their education because of boys, in many countries they don’t go to school when on their periods because of this.

Yes girls shouldn’t hit boys when they sexually degrade and bully them, but please do show me the evidence that THIS is the overriding issue here. The girl defended her friend publicly against bullies, which shows a strength of character and bravedy. YES she shouldn’t have hit the boy, that was not ok and she needs to be told that. However—you’re saying simultaneously that her hitting the boy should never happen, but also that he should face no consequences for what he did to the girl. Maybe the lesson for the girl should be violence is not the answer, HERE IS HOW WE ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THIS by taking punishing the boy seriously. Rather than your idea that the boy should just get away without consequences.

‘Agree’, where on earth did ‘have’ come from 😲

@Wife2b - this.

OP, I am a bit taken aback by your extreme reaction and the fact you say you are a teacher!

Of course what this boy said is rude and unacceptable and he needs to be sat down and talked to. Perhaps given a detention and/or his parents informed. So also should the girl who slapped him (why do you think this is acceptable?). And quite frankly, so should your daughter, she literally insulted him back?

...they are in year 7. 12 year old same dumb shit all the time. Do you not remember this phase of your life? Get off your high horse and stop being so involved. Let her live a little, life isnt all rainbows and sunshine. She (as will everyone else) come across much worse in the years to come, at university etc. It's life, you need to teach her how to handle her emotions and such situations not teach her to expect this boy deserves to be suspended......

@Robintakeover her mum messaged me earlier to check DD was ok so yeah weve discussed it. I told her to tell her DD how much we both love her and that I will pay for them to go out for a pizza or whatever when lockdown is over. If it was the opposite way and DD did something vile and got a slap then I would be telling her she deserved it, certainly not having a go at the kid who stuck up for whats right.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation

Leave the other parent alone and let school deal with them. You should know this as a teacher.

Absolutely agree let the school deal with it without trying to make more issues outside when does it stop. That incident also involved another girl hitting the lad imagine if he had a sister who then decided to take action and hit the girl for smacking her brother. Let the school deal with the issue instead of taking matters into your own hands.

Governors?!

A child said something nasty to another child. Who subsequently said something nasty back.

What he said was inappropriate and unkind but not worthy of suspension or governors getting involved. He should be made to apologise to your daughter and that's that.

I think you're blowing this out of proportion.

I don’t think many pp appreciate the context in which schools have to apply serious sanctions like fixed-term exclusions (which is what is being discussed, and I’m surprised to hear a serving teacher refer to ‘suspension’). They are (rightly) scrutinised by both governors and Ofsted and a very high number can trigger inspections. There is a HUGE national context of getting children back into school right now. Of course a FTE is not appropriate here.

The school needs to take this more seriously. It also sounds like the students are meting out a decent whack of natural justice to the boy, as they often do when someone has really crossed the line.

On a tangent - there’s a reason Instagram is 13+. Year 7s shouldn’t have access to it.