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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 23/03/2021 19:43

@Lilyargin

Those of you who support this, please ask the schools your children attend why they don’t see misogyny and misogynist comments as a hate crime. Schools need to re-think their response to this behaviour. And they need a push.
Maybe ask them if they treat female on male violence the same as male on female violence.
echt · 23/03/2021 19:44

Maybe ask them if they treat female on male violence the same as male on female violence

A school would have to take action regarding both parties.

SpeakingFranglais · 23/03/2021 19:45

Haven’t RTFT but, I have a now young adult DS and DD.

How would I feel if it was said to DD? Incensed, outraged, conscious of her mental health, angry that another child had said this based on fuck all other than some stereotypical misogynistic behaviour which is often learned at home. I would want to know exactly what the school was doing, what the parents were doing and how they were both addressing this ingrained patriarchal behaviour.

If it had been DS that did it, I would be shocked, outraged, embarrassed and appalled and would want answers from him. Where did he get that from, why did he think that was ok, what if one of his friends had said it about me or his sister. I would also be horrified that my son had caused so much unnecessary conflict and hurt. Would I want him suspended? Of course not, but I would see it as absolutely my problem that he was punished and educated? YES!

As a mother whose DC went to a huge, mixed sex comprehensive whose admissions process takes children from all backgrounds and learning abilities in the immediate area I am conscious that not all knowledge, learning & upbringings are equal or are similar to ours.

It’s a case of balance between all stakeholders. The school must be seen to punish and educate, the parent of the offender to educate and punish and the parent of the victim to support, educate and nurture resilience.

Sadly many of the above will not be there at any level I’m some families and schools.

Robintakeover · 23/03/2021 19:46

@Thefaceofboe

People asking what the girls punishment should be? This is exactly what is wrong with society. Say stupid shit = face the consequences. Good on your DD’s friend and I hope your DD is okay. I remember horrible comments like this flying round when I was at school and they just got brushed off but didn’t make them any less hurtful/embarrassing!
It’s a crime called assault - don’t recommend you encourage your kids to go round wolloping people - great way to limit your own life opportunities
ArabellaScott · 23/03/2021 19:46

@Alonelonelyloner

WTAF I CANNOT BELIEVE SOME OF THE REPLIES ON HERE!

So, if it were a racist or transphobic comment it would be worthy of exclusion, but misogyny is a detention???

Fuck.
People make me scream.

Agree.
LexMitior · 23/03/2021 19:48

@MorganKitten

You seem to want him suspended, if he is then the girl who slapped him (which could be considered assault) should be suspended too.
That is fine with me. Both of them need to stop, and get some ide about socially acceptable behaviour.

Still, I'd be asking the school some serious questions about how they handle sexualised comments, and the response "oh he's apologised and made a mistake" would just tell me that they couldn't be arsed to deal with it.

Making a mistake is:

Turning the wrong way down the road
Offering your vegetarian friend a hot dog
Putting salt in your coffee instead of sugar

It does not include making remarks about your genitalia, which is a decision actively made, like hitting, and both should be punished.

Queenie24 · 23/03/2021 19:49

I cant see the school doing much apart from telling him off. My daughter dealt with a lot worse and the school could not do much as they have a duty of care to both children grrrrrr

Staffy1 · 23/03/2021 19:49

echt

Teardrop2021
YukoandHiro I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this thread us bonkers. I wonder if a girl had made that comment it would have sparked as much outrage.
But that didn't happen, did it.

Oh look, a windmill......hmm

Yes, but the very good point being made was, would it have sparked so much outrage? Never mind though...you're obviously busy looking at a windmill.

ancientgran · 23/03/2021 19:49

@echt

Maybe ask them if they treat female on male violence the same as male on female violence

A school would have to take action regarding both parties.

It would be nice if the OP would let us know what happened to the girl, she seems to be avoiding that other than to say she hadn't thought about it.

The boy has had a telling off, the girl should be dealt with as well.

echt · 23/03/2021 19:52

It would be nice if the OP would let us know what happened to the girl, she seems to be avoiding that other than to say she hadn't thought about it

The OP would not be told about what happened to the girl. She is not entitled to that information.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2021 19:53

had it coming

Do better.

Greengate66 · 23/03/2021 19:54

I think it’s great that you’re taking it seriously and making the school take it seriously too. Aldo great that the friends publicly made it clear this was unacceptable.
I would be angry too, but I think the issue is that the boy is exhibiting typical male entitlement behaviour. If you can help nip it in the bud you’ll be doing every woman this idiot comes into contact with in the future a big favour.
Can you encourage the school to teach him - and the other boys that when they approach a girl and she doesn’t respond favourably the correct response is not to shame and abuse her and that women don’t owe them sexual favours, ego boosts - or anything at all really.

FreekStar · 23/03/2021 19:54

If you think this is something that a child would be excluded and sent home for then you have a very naive view of what the behaviour of secondary school pupils is actually like!

It was a horrible comment, but pretty mild in relative terms of what teachers have to deal with on a daily basis.

echt · 23/03/2021 19:55

@Staffy1

echt

Teardrop2021
YukoandHiro I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this thread us bonkers. I wonder if a girl had made that comment it would have sparked as much outrage.
But that didn't happen, did it.

Oh look, a windmill......hmm

Yes, but the very good point being made was, would it have sparked so much outrage? Never mind though...you're obviously busy looking at a windmill.

Not at all.

I thought it was the usual tedious shit that makes it all about the boy.

Again.

ozymandiusking · 23/03/2021 19:56

I would pay a vist to his home and speak to his mother.
Politely of course. I suspect she might be as appalled as you and your daughter.

ArabellaScott · 23/03/2021 19:56

Can you encourage the school to teach him - and the other boys that when they approach a girl and she doesn’t respond favourably the correct response is not to shame and abuse her and that women don’t owe them sexual favours, ego boosts - or anything at all really.

I think the best solution might be if the school implemented some extra teaching on misogyny.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 19:57

Staffy1 I know crazy isn't it no one seems to wanna reference the point I made if it had been a girl who said would it have sparkled the same outrage I think we know the answer would be a no and the friend who assaulted the lad wouldn't likely have hit another girl over it unfortunately people will bypass the comment because of the double standards often shown on here. Instead they make a jab at me avoiding the relevant question I asked.

Sunflowers095 · 23/03/2021 19:58

@SoupDragon

had it coming

Do better.

Actually if I said something misogynistic or homophobic and someone slapped me I would be able to understand that as I'm not an imbecile.
RubyViolet · 23/03/2021 19:59

Can you ask whether the school has a code of conduct and what it says about misogyny and sexual harassment .
I think l would start the conversation there. If doesn’t have this l would be asking them why.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:00

echt your avoiding answering the question though. If a girl made the same comment who it justified the outrage on here and the request to suspend or expell her?

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 20:00

OP clearly doesn't want her DDs friend to face any kind of punishment for assaulting another student. Makes me question what kind of teacher would be ok with that tbh.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:03

Double standards are a rifle on mn its ok for a girl to smack a boy knowing she won't get hit back but when asked if the same call for punishment would have been given to a girl the question get avoided.

echt · 23/03/2021 20:03

@Teardrop2021

echt your avoiding answering the question though. If a girl made the same comment who it justified the outrage on here and the request to suspend or expell her?
No I'm not. I've said what I think. Can't you read?
Sunflowers095 · 23/03/2021 20:04

@FelicityCentre

I agree what he said was disgusting. I feel suspension is over the top but he should definitely have more punishment than just a telling off (although maybe he has, we dont know).

However DDs best friend slapped him across the face he was assaulted in response. and I feel this child should also be punished. She also humilated him in front of his group (as he did your daughter). Which you want him punished for but not the girl involved. You say his peers should not be responsible for teaching him a lesson. Assaulting him is not teaching him a lesson. Its sinking to his level and going one lower in my opinion. She cant grow up to think she can use violence as a reaction to comments.

I understand your daughter "wants him gone out of school" for his disgusting comments. However if I was him I would want the girl gone who assaulted him.

Are you serious?

The difference is he inflicted all of this on himself. She reacted to his nasty behaviour, not instigated it.

Female violence is not an issue. Men sexually harassing women more so. But we always seem to change the conversation.

Kettledodger · 23/03/2021 20:04

Those who think it's just a silly remark at what age do you think it becomes more inappropriate 14?16?18? So are you expecting a switch to happen?

No this is inappropriate at ANY age and needs to be dealt with. We have just had an outpouring of how women do not feel safe and the sexist, misogynistic society, we as women still live in, yet a 12 year old boy is just being silly and no consequences are given? Oh and BTW I don't condone the slap either.

I fear nothing will get better if we can't even see where things are going wrong.