Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Burnshersmurfs · 23/03/2021 19:12

This thread goes a a hell of a long way to explaining a lot of what is wrong with our society today. It’s been a real eye-opener.

Lilyargin · 23/03/2021 19:13

Alonelonelyloner

💯.

Totally agree. Unbelievable.

Lilyargin · 23/03/2021 19:14

Burnshersmurfs

Absolutely.

Depressing.

notacooldad · 23/03/2021 19:14

It's not just stupid shit though, is it? It's vile misogyny, meant to degrade & undermine not only the girl he said it to, but every girl in earshot
Absolutely.
In other threads we hear about how males test boundaries to see what they can get away with. Maybe they do this without realising what they are doing but they do it all the same.
It starts with insulting names and they find there is no consequence to this. Maybe they will pinch someone's bum or cat call. It's all pushing boundaries and escalating things a little further. I am not suggesting for that this kid is going to go on to become a raving pervert. What I am saying is that if relatively small things go unchallenged it gives the green light to be a bit more daring or insulting.

I believe this behaviour should be stamped out immediately and there should be a zero tolerance attitude towards it. I also know that I am kidding myself if I am expecting things to change any time soon.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 19:17

@Burnshersmurfs

This thread goes a a hell of a long way to explaining a lot of what is wrong with our society today. It’s been a real eye-opener.
💯
DunderBlue · 23/03/2021 19:17

In my opinion I think you should take it further. It might seem like one of those silly little things kids do but it shouldn't be. Boys learning there's few consequences to speaking to girls like this is why we have so many men who don't know when things go too far.
When I was at school boys talked like this and most of the time nothing happened. I didn't ever even get that upset. But now I'm older and see how many men in my age group don't see what constitutes as harassment and inappropriate, I think they should have been taught right from wrong younger.
I think this should be treat seriously and I think that boy needs to know he cannot talk about any girl that way. Take it as far as you feel you need to go. Not only should he learn he can't speak like that but your daughter needs to see she doesn't have to put up with it or take it!
We shouldn't teach boys they won't get punished because "their educations more important" and we shouldn't teach girls they have to put up with it because it's just what we've all put up with.

Sunflowers095 · 23/03/2021 19:18

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

I'm Shock that you'd send a child home for this. That would come under illegal exclusion surely.

The boy needs to apologise, have a detention and his parents informed.

Of course he should be sent home. Parents should be inconvenienced as a result of bad parenting and it teaches a lesson.
Cam2020 · 23/03/2021 19:18

*Therarestone

STOP. MAKING. EXCUSES. FOR. BOYS. BRUISED EGOS.*

Stop making excuses for violence.

Didn't quite catch that without the shouting. Also, your sentence was too long to read. Definitely need some full stops, there!

echt · 23/03/2021 19:19

Unbefuckinglievable apologists for the boy's behaviour. Angry

No wonder women get treated like shit when, other women line up to minimise revolting behaviour.

The boy should have been suspended immediately.

YukoandHiro · 23/03/2021 19:20

@LexMitior Really?? When did you go to school? Because I went to an all girls school in the 90s and despite lack of boys this kind of sexualised graphic insult - you stink of fish etc etc - was absolutely par for the course.
Now I didn't go to the best school. But it wasn't the worst either.
Lot of cloud cuckoo land on this thread.

Sunflowers095 · 23/03/2021 19:20

@Alwaysandforeverhere

Would I defend my child who had been assaulted because he made a rude comment. Yes yes I would. I’d tell him his comment wasn’t ok but yes I’d defend my child saying something nasty does not mean you deserve to be assaulted it’s that simple.
Why on earth would you defend your child if they said something like that?

The boy getting slapped learned a lesson of natural consequences when you behave in a disgusting way and had it coming.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 19:20

Only on MN would everyone get the pitch folks out right off a 12 year old as an sexual abuser who isn't emotionally developed.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 23/03/2021 19:21

@Sunflowers095 It is an illegal exclusion to send a child home in the circumstances described without the relevant exclusion paperwork.as PPs said, likely the attitude comes from home. Better to educate the child as to why what they have said is so offensive (in the first case). Obviously subsequent incidents need treating differently.

mummydoris2006 · 23/03/2021 19:21

So on the flipside if someone says something we don't like or find offensive then someone else can cause harm to them on our behalf? It was crappy comment said by an immature 12 year old boy, yes your daughter has every right to feel upset but a child missing out on education for it by being suspended is a massive over reaction in my opinion. I have a teenage DD myself and the way teenagers talk to each other can make me cringe, I'm pretty sure my parents would have had the same view of the way teenagers spoke to each other when I was younger too. Unfortunately your DD is going to experience these type of comments during her teenage years and if she is expecting every child to be removed for this then I feel she is setting herself up for a fall.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 19:22

YukoandHiro I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this thread us bonkers. I wonder if a girl had made that comment it would have sparked as much outrage.

Staffy1 · 23/03/2021 19:22

@Burnshersmurfs

This thread goes a a hell of a long way to explaining a lot of what is wrong with our society today. It’s been a real eye-opener.
Yes, I agree, but probably not for the same reason you think.
Brefugee · 23/03/2021 19:22

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

can you imagine a world where boys were held to account for this sexist shitbaggery from an early age and gave it up?

Gosh how great would that be.

Burnshersmurfs · 23/03/2021 19:23

@Teardrop2021

Only on MN would everyone get the pitch folks out right off a 12 year old as an sexual abuser who isn't emotionally developed.
Emotional development doesn’t just happen. It really helps to teach them right from wrong by using appropriate sanctions for unacceptable behaviour.
Grenlei · 23/03/2021 19:24

Why should any girl have to put up with these comments?

We have thankfully moved on from expecting people to tolerate racism - why is sexism/ misogyny less important somehow, less worth worrying about?

Lilyargin · 23/03/2021 19:24

This behaviour needs to be called out every time and the message needs to be given loudly and clearly that misogynist comments are not acceptable.

What was said when we were at school is irrelevant. Look at where we are are today. Didn’t work, not taking it very seriously, did it?

Greenmarmalade · 23/03/2021 19:24

Education is what’s needed here so the boy can understand why his comment (that he’s heard somewhere) is so hurtful.

He should also be given a punishment in school (not exclusion).

echt · 23/03/2021 19:24

@Teardrop2021

YukoandHiro I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this thread us bonkers. I wonder if a girl had made that comment it would have sparked as much outrage.
But that didn't happen, did it.

Oh look, a windmill......Hmm

Cam2020 · 23/03/2021 19:25

Alwaysandforeverhere

Would I defend my child who had been assaulted because he made a rude comment. Yes yes I would. I’d tell him his comment wasn’t ok but yes I’d defend my child saying something nasty does not mean you deserve to be assaulted it’s that simple.

Why on earth would you defend your child if they said something like that?

The boy getting slapped learned a lesson of natural consequences when you behave in a disgusting way and had it coming.*

So if a girl says, a boy has a small dick etc she deserves a slap?

Ohnomoreno · 23/03/2021 19:25

Gosh it's all moved on a bit since my day. Insults like that were a daily occurrence and "fuck right off softcock" usually fixed it just fine. I'm sure it's not a very mature approach.

mummydoris2006 · 23/03/2021 19:26

@sunflowers095 when does the natural consequence stop though if that is the route taken? What if someone then hits the girl for hitting the boy? Surely this is then a natural consequence of her using violence in the first place? If you use the argument the boy was in the wrong (which I agree he was)so there are consequences then surely the child that then physically attacked is him is also in the wrong so should expect consequences?