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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Grenlei · 23/03/2021 18:57

As I said upthread, it's not just a silly throwaway comment. It's the thin end of the wedge. If it was a throwaway comment he would have said your breath stinks - insulting but not misogynistic and I'm sure OPs DD wouldn't have been upset by that. However telling a girl to close her legs is just vile.

Staffy1 · 23/03/2021 18:57

Ffs, it's a 12 year old! She could just as easily have said "your dick/balls smell worse" back and be done with it. All this talk of mysoginistic men is nuts. Wanting a big scene and suspension is nuts.

dworky · 23/03/2021 18:59

@Meowchickameowmeow

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?
It's not just stupid shit though, is it? It's vile misogyny, meant to degrade & undermine not only the girl he said it to, but every girl in earshot. I'd expect it to be taken as seriously as a racist insult.
callingon · 23/03/2021 18:59

I teach year 7s and I would expect a pretty serious school response to a comment like that! A day in isolation would probably be my schools approach.

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 19:02

I am flabbergasted- I didn’t have to put up with boys making remarks about me, let alone my genitalia at school.

Low standards at the school.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 19:02

@Alwaysandforeverhere

Have you even seen what they access on Instagram? I mean common.

Yes I’d tell my son the comment wasn’t nice, and out of order and as I said say sorry but if you blew it up I’d be making damn sure the girl who assaulted him was held account as well. You don’t get to hit people because you don’t like what they say.

I was a girl called smelly in school too at one point rather funny that I’m the parent in the wrong here too as a parent of both and a smelly girl Grin

Did you not read it properly or are you really that ok with misogyny? He didn’t call her smelly, he made a vile sexual comment about her. If you’d actually defend your child in this situation then YOU are the problem.
Alwaysandforeverhere · 23/03/2021 19:02

@Staffy1

Ffs, it's a 12 year old! She could just as easily have said "your dick/balls smell worse" back and be done with it. All this talk of mysoginistic men is nuts. Wanting a big scene and suspension is nuts.
Or nob cheese I remember being a rather highly used insult at school
nicknamehelp · 23/03/2021 19:02

@shinyelephant an adult has dealt with it he's been spoken too.

callmeH · 23/03/2021 19:02

The boy was vile, but then so are many boys.

That should read 'so are many 12 year olds, boys and girls'. I've heard some vile things said by girls too, I'm not excusing anyone but there seems to be an idea that boys are bad and girls are not.

Lilyargin · 23/03/2021 19:03

Many schools I work have in have racist remarks/behaviour as a discipline matter to be logged on the system alongside defiance/homework/disruptive behaviour etc. I have only been to one school where sexist comments/behaviour is a behaviour matter.
I think this says a lot about attitudes towards racism and sexism respectively.
I also think we should demand that all schools take sexism as seriously as they take racism.
If the boy had made offensive racist comments to pupil, I suspect a lot more would be being done.
Well done for standing up for your daughter. We all need to keep making our voices heard and we should all demand sexism be taken seriously in schools.
This is where we can change attitudes towards girls and women, while boys are young.

elsaesmeralda · 23/03/2021 19:03

Yeah it's a nasty comment and no doubt would've embarrassed her but unfortunately this stuff was said all the time when I was at school, it's nothing new, he's just a young lad thinking he's funny. It's not nice for your dd being on the receiving end of it but he got a smack for it and he's apologised, that should be enough

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 19:03

@callmeH

The boy was vile, but then so are many boys.

That should read 'so are many 12 year olds, boys and girls'. I've heard some vile things said by girls too, I'm not excusing anyone but there seems to be an idea that boys are bad and girls are not.

This
Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 19:03

What about if a lass embrassed a teenage lad called him ginger pubes infront of everyone. Would you still have the same outrage? Kids can be bloody awful of course they should be punish but they shouldn't be a labelled an abuser or potentially written off at the age of 12.

Alonelonelyloner · 23/03/2021 19:03

WTAF I CANNOT BELIEVE SOME OF THE REPLIES ON HERE!

So, if it were a racist or transphobic comment it would be worthy of exclusion, but misogyny is a detention???

Fuck.
People make me scream.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 23/03/2021 19:04

Would I defend my child who had been assaulted because he made a rude comment. Yes yes I would. I’d tell him his comment wasn’t ok but yes I’d defend my child saying something nasty does not mean you deserve to be assaulted it’s that simple.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 23/03/2021 19:04

@LittleMissMuppetty

Exactly this.

It's a horrible thing to say and he absolutely needs to be appropriately dealt with. But sending a child home from school for a one-off silly remark at a time when they're testing boundaries is ridiculous. Classes would be half-empty.

And really, if you think that a rude remark deserves a sending home then what do you suggest about the violence? That's totally fine as a response? And your daughter also called him a name too. Sure it was retaliation, but that's still not acceptable conduct is it?

Of course your poor daughter is upset. In your shoes I'd be fuming. But it sounds like he was properly humiliated by getting a slap in the face - that will bother him far more than any detention.

Teenage boys can be horrible but it's not necessarily an "all teen boys are misgynists" thing. Teenage girls are bloody awful too, and are just as horrible with the things they tease boys about. Teens have a lot to learn about where boundaries lie, and what it's OK to tease about and what isn't. And how to learn with hormones and new emotions, plus of course, rejection. Strict but fair teachers who deal with any incidents like this should be all that's needed without all the dramatics.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 19:05

@Alonelonelyloner

WTAF I CANNOT BELIEVE SOME OF THE REPLIES ON HERE!

So, if it were a racist or transphobic comment it would be worthy of exclusion, but misogyny is a detention???

Fuck.
People make me scream.

💯
lap90 · 23/03/2021 19:05

@LittleMissMuppetty

Oh my goodness.

I was a teacher in sec schools for ages. The things that are said would shock you (as would some behaviour.)

What he said was awful BUT a boy that age saying something silly is really nothing to get wound up over.

Honestly. @ShinyGreenElephant if you are really a teacher you must teach in heaven if this shocks you so much.

It and similar comments are par for course.

Next time, a boy will be telling a girl she has tiny tits, or no tits, or whatever. And a girl may be telling a boy her has a tiny willy. They trade insults.

It happens ALL the time.

No way is it a sending home offence.

Oh yes, I was educated in an all girl's school and do recall similar comments - smelly breath, fishy smell e.t.c.

Certainly do not consider it on par with racial slurs.

DonnaDonna01 · 23/03/2021 19:05

He needs to have some kind of sanction for this but not suspension. We’ve had all the news stories on women not being safe on the street and that’s because we need to educate boys at this age not suspend them from school, probably making this boy’s attitude even worse.

christinarossetti19 · 23/03/2021 19:06

I'm very glad to hear that he has apologised directly to your dd and that he is being criticised by his peers.

And hopefully the school will let you know tomorrow what actions they have decided to take against.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 19:06

@Alwaysandforeverhere

Would I defend my child who had been assaulted because he made a rude comment. Yes yes I would. I’d tell him his comment wasn’t ok but yes I’d defend my child saying something nasty does not mean you deserve to be assaulted it’s that simple.
If I had a son who did this, I would tell him he got off light. And give him the bollocking of his life.
exLtEveDallas · 23/03/2021 19:06

He has had a telling off. Any further punishment would be overkill. Yes, it was a vile thing to say but it doesn’t warrant further sanctions. I would suggest his form tutor could lead a discussion on abuse, linking racism, homophobia, misogynistic abuse etc.

The one who needs to be suspended is the one who physically assaulted him. There is no excuse for her laying her hands on him.

If you take this any further you need to be as disgusted with her as you are with him and tell the school she needs to be punished also - hitting someone is ‘actual’ violence and school cannot condone it.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 23/03/2021 19:07

Well next time you say anything nasty if you get whacked it’s your own fault then Hmm

Alwaysandforeverhere · 23/03/2021 19:08

I mean op could also report to the police and see which ones an actual crime. Assault or fishy comment....

But oh no poor women can never be the ones int he wrong. Double standards.

Grenlei · 23/03/2021 19:10

If you replace the words used to the OPs DD with a racist or homophobic equivalent, which the perpetrator apologised for and got slapped and dumped over, would you still think that was no big deal and no need for further sanction? Or would you consider racism/ homophobia entirely unacceptable and to require a very strong response from the school?

I suspect no one would be telling a parent to just brush off a racist comment. Or that its ok because kids said stuff like that when they were at school too.