Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Over the top comment now because she turned him down.

What happens to a girl later in down the line that turns him down.

At what point is enough.

Find out what your daughter wants. You are justified in your reaction. But she matters most here and you need to listen to her.

Buy her some period pants she may be less concerned bless her. Horrible comment. But it isn't the worst. What has happened to the girl who slapped him.

STOP. MAKING. EXCUSES. FOR. BOYS. BRUISED EGOS.

I also disagree with suggestions it should be called out in class. That's the last thing the OP's DD needs, letting the whole class know what was said. They are 12, they say stupid things to each other. Making a huge fuss about it will surely just cause more embarrassment.

I don't believe for a second your a teacher, surely you would be aware of the process that would be involved and wouldn't warrant suspension or being expelled. What he said was vile no doubt about that but he's 12 they aren't emotionally developed, should he be punish of course. He has actually made an effort to apologise without being pushed into by the school but its apparent that your out for blood and will want to escalate to get the maximum about punishment required. Other teachers have stated he would be given detention and isolation and a one off incident wouldn't warrant suspension ot excluding.

If you make this in to a huge deal, the friend who slapped him is going to get in to a lot of trouble. When what she did will probably have embarrassed him and given him a wake up call more than any detention or day's suspension.

I'd tell his mum what he said though. And how upset DD was.

@Thefaceofboe that's fair enough. The problem is many parents of a DD WOULD be phased, and that's where the unacceptable double standard turns up.

@Therarestone

STOP. MAKING. EXCUSES. FOR. BOYS. BRUISED EGOS.

Stop making excuses for violence.

To those who have said that DDs friend could be in trouble, I hadn't considered that and will definitely bear that in mind before escalating this hugely. I do feel slightly calmer now as DD has had 2 messages off him apologising, a lot of messages of support and apparently his girlfriend has dumped him over it (I've told her to put her phone away as I don't want any back and forth on social media while emotions are still running high). I still don't feel its been taken seriously enough though - this time it was DD who he targeted who is confident and popular enough to stand up for herself, but next time it might not be.

To be honest being ostracised by his peers is going to be far more effective than being put in detention or whatever anyway.

Boys used to say this all the time when I was at school. Good to see it is not just being accepted as ok and that the kids are reacting strongly to tell him it is not ok. He should get a punishment equal to that for racism or homophobia, whatever that would be.

Year 7 on social media... well that’s how problems continue for sure. Minimum age for some is at least 13.... but sure it’s a rude comment that’s the issue with teenagers.

@Alwaysandforeverhere

As a parent of both boys and girls if you rang me to bitch about this I’d say I’m sorry for what he said butttttt big butttt your daughter also insulted him and her mate slapped him so maybe the most worrying part is the friend who goes around assaulting people rather than a ewww fishy comment.

I’m await your reaction when your daughter tells a little Willy or comes to fast joke as she ages. Which she no doubt will. Or tells a man to man up and stop being a baby/girl/pussy.

What an inspiring example of how to teach boys that abusing women is ok. Glad you’re proud of yourself

I'm shocked at those of you that think a suspension is a wild overreaction.

No wonder men get away with treating women like shit when this kind of thing is laughed off or goes unpunished. We are telling them that although it's "a little bit naughty" there aren't really any consequences for their behaviour.

One day suspension won't affect his education whatsoever but it might shock him and teach him a life long lesson.

@ShinyGreenElephant

I teach y6 and if one of my class made that comment they would absolutely be sent home. They're only one year older and I don't see why that would make it any better.

@mbosnz my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally. Hes part of her wider friendship group and it will be difficult for her to entirely avoid him in future so she would like to at least not have to deal with him in school.

No wonder men turn out the way they do if boys are allowed to behave like this with no real consequences. Looks like I'll have to deal with his mum.

I’m a primary school teacher too. Year 7-9s are feral little shits. They think they’re all grown up and like to use as many swear words as they can. I remember boys saying this to random girls when I was that age (thankfully they never said it to me).

Is this a one off comment? If not, then report him for bullying your DD.

He got told off, he knows not to say it. What about the violence, do yu think it is OK to tell girls they can slap boys if they don't like what they say? I think if he is suspended the girl should be suspended as well.

Oh my goodness.

I was a teacher in sec schools for ages. The things that are said would shock you (as would some behaviour.)

What he said was awful BUT a boy that age saying something silly is really nothing to get wound up over.

Honestly. @ShinyGreenElephant if you are really a teacher you must teach in heaven if this shocks you so much.

It and similar comments are par for course.

Next time, a boy will be telling a girl she has tiny tits, or no tits, or whatever. And a girl may be telling a boy her has a tiny willy. They trade insults.

It happens ALL the time.

No way is it a sending home offence.

@Alwaysandforeverhere sorry, so her being on Instagram is worse than a boy making a disgusting misogynistic comment designed to humiliate her in front of a group of kids? Yes, its backfired and he regrets it, but I think its very important that his peers aren't fully responsible for teaching him the lesson- both he and DD need to see that the adults find it unacceptable too. Its not just a 'silly comment'.

I agree. put the phones away

Dignity, always dignity. Tell your dd not to engage with this boy and to find some new friends who don’t use this language/slap people and have boyfriends/girlfriends at age 11/12.

Rather than the boy leaving the school, I’d find a better place for my dd away from this bunch of riffraff.

This boys behaviour was not acceptable and does need to be tackled- if nothing else because he needs to understand why What he said was so reprehensible. So yes- detention, proper apology (either in writing or in person), even a day in isolation and his parents definitely need to be brought into school to discuss his behaviour. However I don’t think suspension or exclusion is the best way to achieve this- unless it is repeated or a pattern of behaviour, in which case punishment should be escalated.

That said, some posters on here need to get a grip. He is 12 years old- old enough to be responsible for their behaviour and be punished, certainly- but the way some posters are talking about a 12 year old child is pretty awful. He was wrong/made a mistake/repeated something he has heard or whatever. He does need to be tackled so that he understands that what he has said is utterly wrong AND why. But he’s 12. They do make mistakes and I don’t adults should be hurling insults or suggesting that he is inevitably going to be a rapist or “future incel” etc. As adults they should know better.

@ShinyGreenElephant you haven’t addressed the violence? You seem to think it’s acceptable?

Have you even seen what they access on Instagram? I mean common.

Yes I’d tell my son the comment wasn’t nice, and out of order and as I said say sorry but if you blew it up I’d be making damn sure the girl who assaulted him was held account as well. You don’t get to hit people because you don’t like what they say.

I was a girl called smelly in school too at one point rather funny that I’m the parent in the wrong here too as a parent of both and a smelly girl

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Alwaysandforeverhere sorry, so her being on Instagram is worse than a boy making a disgusting misogynistic comment designed to humiliate her in front of a group of kids? Yes, its backfired and he regrets it, but I think its very important that his peers aren't fully responsible for teaching him the lesson- both he and DD need to see that the adults find it unacceptable too. Its not just a 'silly comment'.[/quote]
Do you also condemn slapping people or is that OK?

@LittleMissMuppetty I teach in a really rough school (not taught for the last 2 years but I doubt things have changed that much). There's a difference between finding something surprising and finding in unacceptable. I know its common, I just don't think that makes it ok

Also- are 12 year olds really asking each other out/“dating” etc? My 12 year old is not remotely interested in that sort of thing, nor are her class mates. They seem far too young and immature for that. I’d be strongly discouraging it.