Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

12 year old boys say stupid shit and then get away with sexually assaulting women 10 years later, because they got away with the 'low-level' stupid shit in the first place.

I agree - suspension is perfectly acceptable tbh. About time teenage boy misogyny was dealt with at the time and not waiting around for when they're adults with a lot more power.

@Thunderpunt Peggy Mitchell 😭

And this is why single sex schools are a great idea.

When I went to school the girls were much worse than the boys, comments about smelling of fish, comments about other girls' bodies in the changing rooms and asking the boys if they had any hairs on their balls yet.

@Meowchickameowmeow

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

Maybe this is what needs to happen to teach boys and girls to respect each other.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

I am not totally convinced by this. Is ‘high school’ a term someone in the U.K. would use about secondary school, especially a Year 6 teacher?

Year 7 are still children, the vast majority of boys won’t even have hit puberty yet. It is a pretty nasty comment but I doubt it is really misogynistic. There are clearly ructions in the friendship group and the boy stupidly verbally lashed out.

He deserves a telling off from the head of year, a detention, and a call home. Anything else would be a total overreaction.

If the slap really happened, though, that does deserve a stronger sanction. Year 7 girls and boys are pretty much the same size and it is no different from a boy slapping a girl for a hurtful comment (and we all know what people would say about that).

Schools have age appropriate behaviour sanctions, which need to be applied, not adult sanctions.

Scotland all's secondary high school. I'd imagine that's where the Americans got the idea ...

I think you are over reacting massively. It was a stupid comment that would be best ignored. Being sent home for that, let alone suspended, seems a bit over the top. I'm sure kids say daft things like that every day. I just can't see the same fuss being made if a girl had told a boy that his privates stank.

People asking what the girls punishment should be? This is exactly what is wrong with society. Say stupid shit = face the consequences. Good on your DD’s friend and I hope your DD is okay. I remember horrible comments like this flying round when I was at school and they just got brushed off but didn’t make them any less hurtful/embarrassing!

All's = calls

My DS started secondary school last September and it is brutal compared to the primary school bubble but having spent the last few years travelling back home on the train with teenage kids nothing would shock me now.

@Thefaceofboe

People asking what the girls punishment should be? This is exactly what is wrong with society. Say stupid shit = face the consequences. Good on your DD’s friend and I hope your DD is okay. I remember horrible comments like this flying round when I was at school and they just got brushed off but didn’t make them any less hurtful/embarrassing!

What if a girl said stupid shit to a boy? It would be ok for him to slap her then yeah?

I feel he should be spoken to about how it is not ok. I have a feeling he will have learnt a lesson because I doubt he would have expected the reaction he got.

I have a teenage Dd I agree that dd would have been mortified if I went to the school

And yes, every 12 year old boy who subjects a girl to misogynist abuse should be sent home for a day. Just like they would if they subjected any other student to racist or homophobic abuse.

Zero tolerance.

I'm sorry but I disagree with a lot of these comments. He said something insulting that wasn't nice at all, but why is it ok for your DD to insult him back? Two wrongs don't make a right do they? As for the girl who slapped him, I'm sure there would be outrage if the boy had slapped the girl.

At 12 I doubt he will understand the seriousness of what he said so I think an explanation by a teacher and a written apology would be sufficient. Suspension is absolutely ridiculous.

He hasn't got away with it. His male peers didn't really join in, they have said he was out of order, his female peers all turned on him, his girlfriend dumped him, this peer reaction has caused him to apologise twice.

This is a good outcome. I am actually heartened by how the girls rallied around and how that rallying around has affected him. I am sure all the other boys have observed this and learnt from it too.

Peer pressure is a much stronger force than any school sanction. The outcome of this is good. I am actually reassured to hear how swiftly this has been condemned and stamped down by his peers.

Exactly @slashlover - the fish comments were ubiquitous at my all girls secondary.

@KurtWilde can’t speak for all parents but wouldn’t phase me if my daughter got a slap round the cheek for making such a disgusting comment

I mean I’m amazed you yea h year six if you haven’t heard stuff like this before. And psst girls can be just as nasty about the boys around this age.

Yes it’s pathetic and stupid and nasty and he should be made to say sorry however suspended really. Common.

He told her she smells. She called him ugly. Her friend slapped him. I mean she got insulted. He got insulted and assaulted.

The boy should definitely have a stern talking to as what he's said is massively unacceptable, however your daughter's friend should not have slapped him. If I were his mum I wouldn't be too pleased about that. I remember being in a similar situation at school when I was on my period. It was humiliating so I hope your daughter is OK.

@supersonicginandtonic

I'm sorry but I disagree with a lot of these comments. He said something insulting that wasn't nice at all, but why is it ok for your DD to insult him back? Two wrongs don't make a right do they? As for the girl who slapped him, I'm sure there would be outrage if the boy had slapped the girl.

At 12 I doubt he will understand the seriousness of what he said so I think an explanation by a teacher and a written apology would be sufficient. Suspension is absolutely ridiculous.

Oh my god really?!? PLEASE. so women should just accept this disgusting sexual abuse from men and if they try to stop it by defending themselves then they’re an issue in this? So the school shouldn’t take it seriously, and the girl can’t defend herself. Nice life lesson for girls to know their place and their (lack of) worth.

I would contact the Mother, or Father, and hopefully they will give their son an ear bashing about his awful behaviour, and hopefully give your daughter a proper apology.

The schools these days, won't be able to keep track,and hear what kids say to each other at times, like these kind of comments directed at your daughter. The oldie days of schools, would have seen this boy, yanked in front of the class,and made to repeat exactly what he had said, and to be made an exhibition of, in front of the whole class.,and hopefully the child will then learn a little respect for people in the future.

@LexMitior

And this is why single sex schools are a great idea.

Yes of course he should be suspended for a day. Really, schools have obligations and duties to the children. Part of that is preparing kids for real life in the adult world. You don’t help kids who are filled with hormones that they get to say what they like if they feel slighted.

How long do you think the violent girl who slapped him should be suspended for? I don't think it is good for her future to think it is OK to slap people if you don't like what they say.

Not unreasonable to be disgusted but this is very common. Was when I was 11/12 myself in 2001/2002.

I also think slapping him on as also not on.

Like 11/12 year olds go none of them covered themselves in glory.

I wouldn't expect the teacher to send the kid home though.

I'm sorry your dd was so upset. It's a really nasty comment.

But young kids say this kind of shit. It's
Not ok and they need to learn it's not ok but it's also necessary to teach them why.

Detention is a good punishment and I'd also want removal of social times for rest of the week. So break and lunch is spent somewhere he cannot socialise.
I'm a massive advocate of the old school lines type punishment. I think when kids make comments like this they should have to research and produce an 1000 word essay with evidence about why you shouldn't say it, the consequences and what should happen about stamping this behaviour out of society.
Having to actually stop and think and put effort into a punishment is a better deterrent. More so than sitting staring at a walk in detention for 30 minutes.

I also agree with above about being careful not to put your DDs friend at risk if serious trouble. She assaulted him physically. It wasn't self defence but an assault in response to hearing unkind words. Legally there is no defence to that.

Your dd sounds like she has good friends. They need to learn how to verbally attack that kind of thing within common sense. Social ostracism is a great way to show people you won't tolerate their behaviour.

It's not a nice comment but it's silly immature teenage behaviour. I'm more concerned by the violence of slapping him.

As a parent of both boys and girls if you rang me to bitch about this I’d say I’m sorry for what he said butttttt big butttt your daughter also insulted him and her mate slapped him so maybe the most worrying part is the friend who goes around assaulting people rather than a ewww fishy comment.

I’m await your reaction when your daughter tells a little Willy or comes to fast joke as she ages. Which she no doubt will. Or tells a man to man up and stop being a baby/girl/pussy.