Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Yes @laudete - I quite agree.

Unfortunately I dont think it's exclusion or suspension material, but I strongly agree with the OP that more should be done. I would expect detention and I also think it should be called out in class, with an explanation that it's completely unacceptable and would likely lead to suspension if repeated. I also think he should be made to make a written apology. Why should girls have to put up with this behaviour in school? If is happened at work it would be grounds for dismissal. Why do we expect so little from our boys?
If this was my son he would be in massive trouble from me, and I 'd be telling him he'd got away lightly with a slap. I'd be making him make a written apology, and I'd be making one too for his disgraceful behaviour.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

From the point of view of the school, they're probably being very careful not to hear that he got twatted across the chops by somebody else. or to be heard saying it serves him right.

Because if he goes running home to Mummy complaining that a girl/two girls slapped him for NO REASON AT ALL, she's likely to be ringing up wanting to know that his attacker(s) is/are suspended and have to write him an apology letter, intending to go to the Governors if her darling boy's safety in school is not made a top priority.

Don't belittle violence. The "running home to mummy" and "her darling boy" comments are out of order. Whatever he said the other girl had no right to hit him. It is assault but as usual female on male violence is minimised because boys are just supposed to take it.

What he said was wrong but still no reason for other girl to hit him.

I suppose high schools are different but its so bloody scary that boys are just allowed to behave like this, and explains a lot about why men behave so horribly as adults.

But he, wasn't just allowed to behave like that - he's been vilified by his peers and dumped his girlfriend! He early got cocky, said something below the belt in an attempt to elevate his, social standing and it's backfired on him.

Dear God if my son had said that to someone I would want to be informed as I would be marching him round to see her parents and apologise profusely to her in front of them. Let him know what it feels like to be humiliated like that in front of other people.

@Griselda1

Disgusting comment, your poor daughter. What worries me is that her friend could come out of this the worst as technically she committed an assault. Perhaps, ridiculous as it seems, you need to have a conversation with your daughter and her friend about the upper hand they'll gain by not being physically violent.

What do you mean technically she committed an assault? She did commit an assault.

@Tonty not in this case of course, I'm talking about the root of what people call double standards in wider society... why more people brush aside female use of violence under threat

What an absolutely disgusting comment! What the hell is wrong with kids these days, using such awful language? On another point, why would a 12 year old boy be asking a 12 year old girl out? Much, much too young
Are you joking?
The very same scenario was happening over 40 years ago when I was at school.
Yes it is disgusting and said to humiliate.
It is not 'kids theses days' Its males being the same was they always ie lashing out at rejection and doing their best to put a female down because she has dared to reject his advances.

It's the same old story.

A child was physically assaulted in my daughters school, a slap and a thump on the arm basically.The school refused to discipline her saying they didn't have sufficient proof and it was on the perimeter of the school.The police sought cctv evidence and dealt with it instead, resulting in a caution.Perhaps you need to agree to move on with serious lessons learnt.

Its an awful thing to say. Personally i feel it should be regarded the same as if he had said a racist or homophobic comment. I know a comment like that could put some girls off from attending school when on their period. And this is also why girls should not have to suffer supposedly gender neutral toilets when boys and men act like this

You’re being ridiculous. What he said was disgusting. But he shouldn’t be expelled for it!

If that was my daughter I'd be furious. I am not saying what the boy said or done was okay but I do think looking back at when I was at school, secondary schools do deal with things completely different to primary school. I understand your daughter felt humiliated but & although I don't agree this is part of school process imo when growing up. I can think of loads of situations where people said things similar ect & it gets dealt with differently. I would be really embarrassed though if my mum kicked up a massive stink about it personally.

You know what, if every 12 year old little shit were suspended for this sort of comment they would grow up with a lot more respect for women.

Matildalamp - Are you saying that assault is ok then? Imagine if a parent on here had said that a girl had insulted her son and his friend had slapped the girl round the face. Would you say that was OK?

Of course his comment was vile but assault is never ok, whether male or female.

I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was

It was a horrible thing for your DD to be party to, and there's no question that what he said shouldn't come from the mouth of anyone. But dream on OP, if you think a suspension is warranted. Perhaps you've not spent time in an UK secondary school but I have; there would be half the number of kids (especially Year 7-9 boys) in school if they took every comment like this as needing a disciplinary.

He should be spoken to perhaps, especially if he's a repeat offender, but isn't a formal apology, or worse, taking talk of your daughter's fanny to the Governing Body even more humiliating for her?

Make a note of what was said and when, in case similar happens again, and let it be for this time if my advice. He too was humiliated by the slap from her best friend, and let's hope that teaches him a lesson. But equally that slap was not acceptable in terms of a civilised and respectful environment.

I am not totally convinced by this. Is ‘high school’ a term someone in the U.K. would use about secondary school, especially a Year 6 teacher?

Year 7 are still children, the vast majority of boys won’t even have hit puberty yet. It is a pretty nasty comment but I doubt it is really misogynistic. There are clearly ructions in the friendship group and the boy stupidly verbally lashed out.

He deserves a telling off from the head of year, a detention, and a call home. Anything else would be a total overreaction.

If the slap really happened, though, that does deserve a stronger sanction. Year 7 girls and boys are pretty much the same size and it is no different from a boy slapping a girl for a hurtful comment (and we all know what people would say about that).

Schools have age appropriate behaviour sanctions, which need to be applied, not adult sanctions.

@notacooldad

What an absolutely disgusting comment! What the hell is wrong with kids these days, using such awful language? On another point, why would a 12 year old boy be asking a 12 year old girl out? Much, much too young Are you joking? The very same scenario was happening over 40 years ago when I was at school. Yes it is disgusting and said to humiliate. It is not 'kids theses days' Its males being the same was they always ie lashing out at rejection and doing their best to put a female down because she has dared to reject his advances.

It's the same old story.

@notacooldad you said what I was about to say! These kind of language has been used by kids for decades now. Certainly nothing new unfortunately.

Can we stop calling Children-"Little Shits"

@Likeawolf

If the OP had said that the friend who slapped the boy who made the comment was male, not female, I wonder it posters would still be saying that it was suspension worthy? Or would they be saying boys say and do stupid shit, you should just give them both a talking to.

Violence is of course not the right approach to resolving issues but given the CONTEXT of the incident, it would be appalling to see the OP's friend suspended for standing up to misogyny and the boy using the misogynistic language given only a 'talking to'. Message to kids? Misogyny is alive and well and if you're female, don't you DARE stand up to it.

I am so depressed at the number of posters who don't see that if we don't educate young men to do better and be better, we can't expect attitudes to women to change. We need to be having more conversations with men and boys to ensure that they see women as equals, not domestic and sexual service providers. And we need to be able to recognise that internalised misogyny in women is widespread too.

This is how I see the situation as well. Your dds friend should not get a harsher punishment than your him. The punishments should be the same. Violence and misogyny against a protected characteristic should be on apar from a school’s POV.

@matikdalamp 1 ill judged comment at a immature age does not mean this poor boy is going to turn into a serious threat to women. He's apologised, been slapped, had peers turn on him and been spoken to by a teacher I think for 1 comment this is punishment enough.
Also we need not only to educate our boys to respect all not just women but educate our girls to respect themselves and be confident so comments don't cause them to be so distraught

@charliebear78

Can we stop calling Children-"Little Shits"

Well they can be little shits. I was a little shit, most kids are at some point.

And this is why single sex schools are a great idea.

Yes of course he should be suspended for a day. Really, schools have obligations and duties to the children. Part of that is preparing kids for real life in the adult world. You don’t help kids who are filled with hormones that they get to say what they like if they feel slighted.

You teach year 6?
Do you honestly think he should be excluded?
Sent home? You are nuts!

If suspending boys for comments like this means half the year would be suspended that's a pretty damning indictment of the next generation isn't it? - that half of them at least feel entitled to come out with misogynistic comments, in the knowledge that there will be no more than a minor punishment, and their underlying perceptions about women will not be challenged!

@Sirzy

School won’t tell you about punishment given to another pupil.

It was an awful comment but being suspended for one comment would be way over the top.

It's not really for one comment though.

It's sexual harassment, because he asked her out twice and was refused, so now he's punishing her for it.

This is what abusive men do.