My cat just had a shit in my fire.

[LAgeDeRaisin]

So I've just got my 1 year old to nap, I've got horrible all day morning sickness, and it's my day off work today. I'm exhausted.

I decided to go to bed for a nap with the baby monitor and was nearly asleep when I hear this scraping noise from across the room.

The cat had managed to open the bedroom door, come in, and was digging around in the ash at the bottom of the fireplace to have a shit. I tried to pick him up but he was mid squat and it was midway out. He then became outraged and ran out traipsing soot all over the carpet. He is 9 years old with no health problems.

AIBU that he is a massive arsehole? He has a catflap which he has free access to and always goes outside. He 100% did this to spite me because I wanted 30 minutes to myself in bed.

Stories of your own arsehole pets requested please; it may help me feel better.

One of ours likes to pee in DH's washbasin. He also goes out but comes back in to do his business. The other one makes do with the carpet or the floor next to his litter.

Lockdown has brought the very worst of cat behaviour.

Not my cat but I would never leave any rice unattended...😄

@Alreadyinmypyjamas

Mine took a shit in the bag of litter, that my lazy twat of a husband had left next to her litter tray.

Mine did this once when the cat sitter had shut her out of the bathroom where the litter tray was kept. I thought it was pretty clever of her actually.

@ComDummings

All cats are arseholes. Fact! Ours tries to kill us by running under our feet constantly. She she will be lying down napping for an hour being so cute, then we get up for a drink or something and BOOM, little dickhead runs under your feet. For no reason either, just to try and trip us and kill us.

Ours do this. Only to me. I tell them repeatedly that nobody will feed them if I'm dead but they don't care.

One of them shit on the new carpet because he wouldn't walk past the (perfectly lovely) plasterer to go to the litter tray.

He also ran away from me once and proceeded to knock himself out on the door frame and forget who we were for about a week. That was interesting (he is fine now albeit still not very bright)

Same cat ate a fucking bee and went into anaphylaxis. Still tries to eat bees the daft git.

Oh and they eat. Everything. Came downstairs once to find theyd broken into a box of mr Kipling's, eaten them all and smeared icing all over the floor. Excellent.

My wedding dress was in a posh box under my bed, It is now in the bin.

Cats are twats.

@GeorgiePorge

cats are dicks. Mine brought me a live magpie at 5am. When I chased him downstairs he let it go in kitchen/dinning room so I had bird crap everywhere.

And they ALWAYS throw up on a clean duvet - nowhere else.

Better that than an adult squirrel or a grass snake. We've had both (twice)

My big boy was extremely cross about something the other day. He pissed on DD1’s bed - I knew he had done so, despite the bed cover being dark and patterned as it had been disturbed, and he was looking guilty. I pulled the cover off the bed and chucked it in the wash while I cleaned the bedding and mattress. Got the bedcover out of the washing machine, and it fucking stank. I shook it out... if you want to know what washed cat turds look like, they are mostly fur. Had to disinfect the washing machine before rewashing the bedding.

Same cat had a companion who liked to shit on the bath mat. This always offended his sensibilities, and he would often cover the poo with a pair of a child’s abandoned pants or a sock. We always knew what was in store for us when we saw him running down the hall with a piece of underwear in his mouth.

I read that as “face” at first so you got off lightly!

Thinking back, I don’t believe I’ve ever had a cat who wasn’t a pain in some way....

Eat bee
Leave headless mouse at bottom of stairs so can stand straight on it
Get run over, break leg the day we went on holiday
Brought dead bird in and played with it at the bottom of the bed
Bite me hard and give me infection
Dislocate back leg. We’d only had him 2 hrs
(All different cats)

And all the frequent cat vom, clawing furniture and carpets, I could go on...

My young cat 🐈‍⬛ goes outside for hours and rushes back indoors when he wants to use the litter tray.

FFS I want rid of the litter tray! I thought he would use the flower beds like every other cat in the neighbourhood.

I just remembered another one, cat peed in the bowl of my Kitchen Aid mixer, didn't discover until I went to use it by which time it had dried to a brown, sticky, stinky crust. Despite a good washing and disinfecting I didn't fancy making any cakes after that.

I've got two bastard cats. They both insist on peeing on any bags that are inadvertenly left on the floor - plastic bags, handbags, rucksacks, all get the random pee treatment. They will also pee all over any laundry which is on the floor of the utility room, towels lying on the bathroom floor etc. I hate them sometimes

My late cat peed in my husband's overnight bag.
On another occasion he did the same in my canvas handbag which was lying open on the floor.

My old long gone cat was a monumental bastard and would go into the neighbours cat-flap and piss on their hob, eat their cats food, sleep on their bed and once pulled down their curtains. He used to retrieve hair bobbles from another neighbours 8yo daughters bedroom in the night - I’d wake up with a pile of them on the end of my bed and he’d be looking very pleased with himself. I spent a lot of my time apologising and buying gifts.

Ahahaha, that’s hilarious 😆

My dog is lovely but was an arsehole once when we were in bed (yes, he sleeps on our bed so perhaps we asked for it). He sat himself on a pillow directly in between DH and me while we were talking. He then did that ‘scooting’ thing that dogs do when they’ve got an itchy arse, and smeared a skid mark down said pillow. Fucking disgusting but also hilarious.

Got a massive garden but my fuckwit cat walked into the garden hed and passed all over my bike yesterday.
Bastard looked at me the whole time as well

OP, if it makes you feel any better, I was once on the toilet and the cat got on to the bidet next to me and started taking in it.

My cat has access to litter trays inside, we rent so no cat flap, but he does have access all day and night (in summer) to go outside. He has started coming upstairs, miaowing constantly at all times of the night and then peeing in the bath.
I'm glad he atleast goes in the bath rather than the floor but it's very annoying.
If he doesn't go in the bath then I have to physically be present when he uses his litter tray. It's very odd and isn't all the time but it's always the times when I've barely slept or just sat down.
I'm pretty sure they do it to be inconsiderate

^ taking a dump, that should have read!

Trust me to miss out the essential word in the anecdote.

My basset hound decided to take a shit on my brand new pair of converse and my cat decided he would sleep in a neighbour's bed for the night ,nearly gave the poor man a heart attack when he climbed to go to sleep .

I foolishly left a suitcase open while I was packing for a work trip to Las Vegas. Opened up my case in the hotel room to realise everything stunk of piss, cat piss to be precise. I hated that cat.

I had a cat that really hated the rain. In wet weather, he used to shit in the bath rahter than go outdoors.

Oddly, he never pissed in the house, no matter how wet the weather.

I knew someone who worked in one of those health food shops that have the big bins of muesli that customers scoop what they want from. There was a free ranging shop cat. You can guess the rest.

And this thread is why I will NEVER have a pet.

I was skim reading and mis read that as my cat just had a shit in my FACE 🤣.