Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

Perhaps it's an age thing here but I can remember when weddings were fun for everyone, the stag and hen nights were just that, a night out for the fellas was a pub crawl and a curry, the girls went dancing and held each others hair back when they got pissed, no money was ever mentioned in the wedding invitation, there was no 'theme' and no one needed a passport to get to the venue, children were welcome at the do, it was acceptable to wear an outfit for a second time and no one had to take annual leave and the wedding present list included items like kitchen utensils. ahhhhh the good ole days

Just message the bride privately saying unfortunately you just can't afford it at the moment and you hope she understands. No need to message in the group chat.

I wouldn't suggest the hiring out a lodge e.t.c unless the bride asked for alternative ideas.

[quote Strawbfields]@MarieDelaere hey, we have a group chat and when I voiced my concerns (along the lines of "look, I can't take 6 days off work for a hen party when I'm already taking 2 days off for the wedding and I also can't afford to spend £1000 on a jolly abroad because we are in the process of house hunting" I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts" [/quote]
Fine. But you can't go.

@thebabessavedme

Perhaps it's an age thing here but I can remember when weddings were fun for everyone, the stag and hen nights were just that, a night out for the fellas was a pub crawl and a curry, the girls went dancing and held each others hair back when they got pissed, no money was ever mentioned in the wedding invitation, there was no 'theme' and no one needed a passport to get to the venue, children were welcome at the do, it was acceptable to wear an outfit for a second time and no one had to take annual leave and the wedding present list included items like kitchen utensils. ahhhhh the good ole days

Ohhh! I remember them too!

Whats the update? Has bridezilla gone bat shit crazy?

@Strawbfields

Thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate your comments as I was starting to think maybe I was just being a killjoy.

The bride and I are good friends but she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed. I am almost 100% certain that if I messaged her to say I can't spend that amount on a hen do she would take it personally. She has led a very spoiled life, both from her parents and partner, and telling her no is just a nightmare. As I said on my OP, if her wedding was abroad, that would be totally different, but I can't justify the money for a hen do.

You do realise that when the wedding is over and life gets back to 'normal', you are unlikely to stay friends for very much longer.

So you'll have huge regrets for spending all that time and money.

I'd cut my losses now and walk away if I were you

I can remember even further back when bridesmaids were always little girls, chosen from cousins or young nieces with perhaps a chief bridesmaid in her teens to keep the younger ones in line. If you had an adult friend then she would most likely to be already married and be given the role of Matron of Honour.

Ah this makes me mad , why do some women think they can be so demanding just because they are getting married ! I got married a few years ago , a lot of my friends are on the minimum wage so I knew my hen do had to be as cheap as possible. It was £68 each for that we had a night in a hotel , saw a show and had cocktail making that included a buffet . Then drinks on top , nobody dropped out as it was so cheap and we all had such a laugh . They don't need to be abroad and ridiculously expensive

I would just reply 'as I mentioned previously, this trip is not within my budget and I won't be coming. I know you all will make the trip fantastic for bride, and let me know if I can help towards creating some games for one of your nights away. In the meantime I will come out of this group so you can focus on the planning. Enjoy ladies.' and just leave it there. No need to respond to their thoughts or comments. then separately message the bride and say ' I have informed the group of my situation, and wanted you to know also that I won't be attending the hen do. I know you will all have an amazing time and can't wait to hear about it when you return'.

@Mixitupalot

Jesus that’s awful, I run a business and my hen parties are uk based. 4 nights (2 day trips inc) travel & accommodation inc B&B for £325 she’s having a laugh!

A long weekend in Butlins isn’t what the bride wants though,

Expensive hen parties + themed outfits (WTAF?) + group chat is about the most revolting combination of things I can imagine

@Wallabing, you really need to think long and hard about this awful financial hole you're being sucked into. Can you recoup any costs if you pull out now?

[quote Strawbfields]@MarieDelaere hey, we have a group chat and when I voiced my concerns (along the lines of "look, I can't take 6 days off work for a hen party when I'm already taking 2 days off for the wedding and I also can't afford to spend £1000 on a jolly abroad because we are in the process of house hunting" I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts" [/quote]
Saving for it doesn't magic up the time off from work, does it?

She sounds as daft as her daughter!

Willy Russell's Stags and Hens. That's what these things used to look like.

I hope this won't be another thread where the OP posts about her dilemma and lots of people have been kind to respond in full to her concerns and offering lots of good advice on how to deal with the situation - but the OP ends up being a wet blanket and goes along with the exorbitant hen do anyway.

Crazy - I don't get this foreign trip thing for hen parties.

My hen night (just the one night) was a meal out with my girlfriends, paid for by me. I wore an awful homemade and totally embarrassing hat as was the custom.

Then we went back to mine & got pissed.

That's what we did in the 80s

Outrageous cf- ery on the brides part but op for your own future happiness you need to be a bit more assertive and stop caring what other people think of you . It's very liberating.

Sorry I can’t afford that so won’t be able to come. Would love to cel rate with you another time though.

unless £1000 was literally a drop in the ocean for me.

Even if I had limitless funds, I would not be prioritising a grasping bride-to-be over my own family.

Get your priorities right.

Why do people even agree to these things if they are going to be difficult for them in some way?

Wouldn't it be better to say no straight away?

Shouldn't brides be prepared to pay for others if this is what they want to do so badly?

As with the wedding itself-you want people there, you pay?

Still doesn't solve the problem of time off work for others though!

I've been married twice & have had two hen nights.

The cost to guests was nothing other than their cost of getting there as with many nights out.

It was in a small town so for some within walking distance, for others a short taxi ride or drive.

Perhaps it's an age thing here but I can remember when weddings were fun for everyone, the stag and hen nights were just that, a night out for the fellas was a pub crawl and a curry, the girls went dancing and held each others hair back when they got pissed, no money was ever mentioned in the wedding invitation, there was no 'theme' and no one needed a passport to get to the venue, children were welcome at the do, it was acceptable to wear an outfit for a second time and no one had to take annual leave and the wedding present list included items like kitchen utensils. ahhhhh the good ole days

Yup and bridesmaids were little girls from the extended family not a gaggle of shrieking "besties" dressed in identikit pastel dresses (usually hideous) with identikit hair and fake nails. These days the little girls and little page boys seem to be banished!

I'm 44 and I remember fondly a few hen nights and one stag night I was randomly invited too! Everyone went for a meal and got wrecked. For the stags it was normally the other way round - everyone got wrecked and then had a kebab or a curry and puked it up in the Bigg Market in Newcastle...
Those were the days!

That's ridiculous, your money is for you to spend as you wish. Spending money on your own mum is completely different to spending it on a hen do you don't even want to go on. I get why you are anxious, I would be too. But think how awful you will feel spending that money on a trip you don't want, imagine yourself on that hen do and how much of a fool you will feel. Nip it in the bud now.

@icdtap

Perhaps it's an age thing here but I can remember when weddings were fun for everyone, the stag and hen nights were just that, a night out for the fellas was a pub crawl and a curry, the girls went dancing and held each others hair back when they got pissed, no money was ever mentioned in the wedding invitation, there was no 'theme' and no one needed a passport to get to the venue, children were welcome at the do, it was acceptable to wear an outfit for a second time and no one had to take annual leave and the wedding present list included items like kitchen utensils. ahhhhh the good ole days

Yup and bridesmaids were little girls from the extended family not a gaggle of shrieking "besties" dressed in identikit pastel dresses (usually hideous) with identikit hair and fake nails. These days the little girls and little page boys seem to be banished!

I'm 44 and I remember fondly a few hen nights and one stag night I was randomly invited too! Everyone went for a meal and got wrecked. For the stags it was normally the other way round - everyone got wrecked and then had a kebab or a curry and puked it up in the Bigg Market in Newcastle...
Those were the days!

Yup , that was normal. I wish it still was!

I love my friends and am pretty social but don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed myself on a hens party. (Or a baby shower). Something about a forced girls only event is just not fun, hens party is so stressful because you have a mix of friends from different groups and it’s just weird going to any sort of club situation not being able to talk to guys or meet your boyfriends like you would on a natural night out. Only certain groups work well on a holiday together and a “hens” is always a mix of others that aren’t necessarily part of the group. Not really the point of the post but I wouldn’t want to spend money on a holiday for this - one evening is enough. I have always loved unique hens parties when it’s a hens and stag combined and actually just a normal fun party, or just a nice spa day, but the forced fun of a hens I can do without.

Why do brides do this? So weird. I can't imagine insisting my friends spend money they can't afford just to gratify my wants.