Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

OP, at the end of the day you don't owe it to explain to anyone why people can't afford £1k to go to a 4 day hen. Just tell her outright that noone can afford it, and she either needs to set her expectations on whether she wants to spend time with her best friends (which is what it's supposed to be) or she wants to keep insta updated with her yacht parties - to which you should organise 4 nights in a plush youth hostel in Blackpool.

no ifs or buts"

That's what the groom's mother says. OK.

Before I read your updates about the bride and eggshells, I would have suggested a chat with the bride, just the two of you, with cameras if you possibly can.

Start with how you absolutely support her choices but you just cannot afford £1k and six days holidays in these unprecedented circumstances. You really don't want to step down as her bridesmaids but ..

I'd be crying myself at this point.

Now that you have described the bride and her approach, I'd just say how sorry you are that you cannot make it. Do not whatever you do string them along with we will see. In their minds that is a yes so you need to be clear.

I wouldn't even offer to arrange afternoon tea for her. Why, she is being pretty selfish her. Don't reward that kind of behaviour.

Frankly, if she insists on forcing you to prioritise her wants over your own family, well what kind of friend would do that to you?

Why are you still friends rather than just pleasant acquaintances? Ask her to do something for you, no ifs and buts and watch for a master class in not getting suckered in to doing things that don't suit you.

"Hen parties are fcking expensive."

Not if you don't go or have a bride who doesn't buy into the hype!

At the risk of sounding really old, I can't believe how entitled people are these days. Especially if this is all for the 'gram, what a sad state of affairs we're in.

My hen was admittedly twenty years ago but I stipulated no more than £100 per head to include EVERYTHING including a night at the hotel, dinner, breakfast games and a picnic. I appreciated that some people would be making the journey again two weeks later for my wedding and thus spending more money on that.

Just say no! If the bride is so spoilt that she can’t empathise with other people’s circumstances then she’s really not much of a friend. I couldn’t imagine expecting a friend to fork out £1000 for a holiday celebrating the fact I’m getting married. It’s completely nuts that anyone thinks this is ok!

Weddings and hen dos really do bring out the worst in people don't they?

No, unfortunately they bring out what's already there. The death of a closed loved one and/or their funeral can also tend to sort out the wheat from the chaff as far as real friends or support systems are concerned. I learned this lesson the hard way through my own in-laws. What they can certainly provide is an interesting 'scales from the eyes' moment.

The comment from the bride's mother is hilarious, 'no ifs or buts'. I'd have laughed. Surely that's the only natural response and she could have expected nothing else?

People and their weddings ...

Hope the message has gone down okay, OP! You are doing the right thing.

"I'm so sorry to disappoint but I can only manage to spend £X amount and take X day(s) off work. Could we make a fun hen night to fit within this budget? Hopefully we can still have a nice night, but no worries if you'd rather go ahead with the holiday I'm just sorry I won't make it"

I'm sorry, but having given it a lot of thought, I will have to refuse this invitation. It's too much time off work and more money than I want to spend, given my own financial circumstances. I hope you all have lovely time.

Hen dos bring out the worse in people.

This makes me so mad! I've been in your position and said thanks but no several times. I know of at least two people who have in the past used up full year annual leave entitlements for hen dos and weddings and moan when they can't take time off at Christmas.

People should rise up against this awful trend of having week long hen dos abroad (free for yourself, expensive for everyone else). What happened to a meal or night out?! Do you even need a hen do?!

Hold my drink.

@Wallabing

Following this intently.

In a similar situation myself. Going on an overseas hen do for 3 nights, was told rough cost would be no more than £400, so paid for flights and hotel. The cost just keeps going up, now more than double. For THREE nights. The bride wants luxury activities and an action packed itinery, amongst other things. Feel like I'm in too deep to say no to any of these things, or the two other UK hen dos I originally agreed to for her and paid deposits on. Everyone else is going along with it, so I'll be the unreasonable one as far as the party is concerned if I say no. 100% would be demoted from bridesmaid if I did.

Absolute madness. Would never normally allow anything like this, but appear to have lost my balls in this situation.

Hang on! She's having 3 hen parties 😱😱

I'd seriously think about cutting your losses and walking away now. Yes you'd lose the money you've already spent but at least you wouldn't be spending anymore

If you get any kick back with regards to 'it's what the bride wants' again I'd just be honest and say you feel spending in excess of a grand of family money on yourself after a year of missed family holidays & you & DH saving for a house move would be awfully selfish at this point.

You have to prioritise your own family, OP. It's just a bloody hen do!

Why would you be trying to explain/offer up what you can do/afford?

She doesn't deserve it imo.

Just tell her no & if she wants you there at all she'll be the one talking to you about it.

No. Just no.

Also @Wallabing I bet if you spoke up/dropped out others will too, surely there must be at least one other person thinking "what the fuck have I got myself into" but like you is too scared to say anything.

@Yuddiesorno

Crikey - I'm very happy that I am old enough to remember when all my friends got married and it wasn't a Hen "Do" but a Hen "Night". This was always going out for a meal and usually on to a club.

When did it morph into weekends or weeks away? No wonder young people are struggling financially if they're having to attend these things on a regular basis. I seem to remember going through a period of 5 years or so when I went to countless weddings and it was hard enough paying for travel, outfits and presents etc.

Could people try and make retro hen nights a fashionable thing to do?

This is what I was just thinking. I went for a meal and a dance around our handbags for mine and it was epic

Demoted from bridesmaid @Wallabing would surely be a good thing!

Just say sorry thst isn't going to work for me. I simply can't afford it.

If you want a hen do abroad 'no ifs or buts' then you need to pay for it yourself.

She should contrbute £1000 per person to get everyone there and then any activities over and above need to be discussed and fit with a pre-agreed budget according to the person with the smallest budget.

The other option is for everyone to contribute a set amount to the budget as set by the friend with the lowest budget, and the bride should pay for anything on top of this that she wants to do.

It's not rocket science.

I don't understand this rubbish around hens assuming everyone can afford this sort of money/ time off just for their bloody hen party! I was pregnant when I got married, my hen night was a curry buffet restaurant with a few friends and female family members and I loved it

The only way I would do it is if I could afford a holiday with my family as well. How guilty would you feel if you went and they didn't even get a holiday at all.

She is a cf

Completely agree that you should say no. As a PP has said (and as have lots of past threads), the costs always seem to spiral and people can find themselves almost in too deep to feel that can then back out.

No need to send some of the more robustly worded suggestions or to discuss your finances. You just need to be clear and make sure it sounds final.

"I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it. Please count me out of the plans but I hope you have a great time."

On the plus side, it's a hopeful sign for the country generally that we're having hen weekend threads again!

@Strawbfields

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply. I'm grateful for the responses.

I agree with many of you, I need to be straight up and just say no. I just wish I wasn't crippled with the anxiety of what everyone will think of me but hey, that's on me.

I mean you basically have two choices, swallow your anxiety and tell her no, or go.

I wouldn't go and I'd make no bone's about the fact I couldn't afford it . I was in a similar situation a few years ago had household expenses and a family illness didn't want to attend a hen do . It did change our friendship unfortunately but I'm ok with that because I realized that looking back I was always a second option for them .

Mine was as well @Heartofglass12345, although I wasn’t pregnant I did have a young baby.

Unfortunately with Brass Neckers like this you need to be explicit.

I’m sorry but my budget is £300 max. I cannot and will not commit to more. Please don’t ask again, it’s really upsetting me.

Obviously tweak as appropriate, but hopefully if your friend reads that it’ll prompt her to tell her mum to back off and give others the courage to post similar.

Also unless it’s not clear I wouldn’t be doing unless £1000 was literally a drop in the ocean for me.