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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Party Abroad

999 replies

Strawbfields · 22/03/2021 21:15

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

OP posts:
FoonySpucker · 23/03/2021 11:08

The OP clearly stated that it is the mother of the groom who said "no ifs, no buts".

Lots of references to the mother of the bride in the responses - am I missing something?

MingeofDeath · 23/03/2021 11:08

The bride and I are good friends but she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed.

You don't have to walk on eggshells around good friends

KingdomScrolls · 23/03/2021 11:11

I went on a hen party to Tenerife, my best friend's younger sister. It's not divergence I would've chosen to holiday but I went because whilst I've known the bride since she was a child and wanted to celebrate with her, I really wanted a holiday with my friend! We went for 5 nights and stayed in a nice hotel sharing a room between 3 or 4 I think it cost about £600 plus transfers and spending etc so probably about £1000+ but as I said I had other motives. Our bride was more open though and also recognised not everyone would afford the whole shebang (there were about 40 of us..!!!), so some stayed in a cheaper hotel, some rented an air BnB some just came for two nights and slept in someone else's room on the sofa! She was overjoyed at anyone who could come in whatever way, and those who couldn't she was fully understanding as to why. The problem you've got here is a spoilt brat being enabled by her family.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2021 11:16

Anyone organising and thinking something like this is appropriate and reasonable in current circumstances is someone not worth worrying unduly about offending or remaining close friends with. Maybe whem the bride fever eases.....the sense of entitlement and self importance is staggering. So much for Covid having caused people to recalibrate their values.

MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 11:18

@FoonySpucker

The OP clearly stated that it is the mother of the groom who said "no ifs, no buts".

Lots of references to the mother of the bride in the responses - am I missing something?

I remember the OP said that the bride was spoilt by her parents and the groom, and implied that she was generally quite high maintenance. So I expect the MoB is going along with this too on the hideous group chat, as is, obviously, the MoG.

Maybe they're all competing to spoil her. Crazy dynamic.

Also MoB is supposed to be paying for the bride's hen-holiday costs; but I'd be a bit suspicious of that tbh, just because I think people like this are tight with their own money and generous with other people's.

DdraigGoch · 23/03/2021 11:19

I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts"
"My budget is £300, no ifs or buts"

kirinm · 23/03/2021 11:24

I will never understand why a bride thinks it is okay to expect people to fork out £££ or take numerous days off to facilitate a hen / stag do. I think it is utterly selfish because people feel obliged regardless of their circumstances.

Mummyratbag · 23/03/2021 11:27

Not read every reply, but the only way you'd be a hypocrite is if you were putting pressure on someone else to spend money they didn't want to. Given that you are planning to pay for family to come to your wedding you are anything but!

She sounds a complete princess and I doubt very much that the holiday would much fun, it will be all about tippy toeing around her and keeping her happy...what happens when you don't stump up x amount whilst out their to do whatever she wants?

Mummyratbag · 23/03/2021 11:27

*there

theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2021 11:28

Taking even budget out of it, noone is obliged to go to anything that doesnt suit them and their reasons are their business. I wouldn't go to something like that because I wouldnt enjoy it. Good enough reason for me!

SeaShoreGalore · 23/03/2021 11:36

If you're going to say no, best do it early and firmly.

notalwaysalondoner · 23/03/2021 11:37

Also - don't go via the bride's mother - don't assume it's what she wants. Tell the bride directly that you won't give anything away, but her DM is putting a group of you under a lot of pressure to spend more than you can afford and go away when you don't necessarily have enough holiday. For my hen do despite strict instructions that the cost per person for a weekend shouldn't be more than ~£150, my maid of honour and sister were both trying to book private chefs, luxury spas etc... when I had in mind more a basic bunkhouse and hiking... I had to really rein them in to keep the budget down, despite having been very clear about what I wanted (I actually wound up booking the accommodation myself as I didn't trust them to find something affordable). So don't assume she's aware of what is being asked.

Murtaghjames · 23/03/2021 11:43

I can understand how you feel OP. I will be facing the same predicament next year only it's my sil not friend. She's already said she's having a hens abroad and then a two day wedding. Dreading it. Sad

Original poster
Strawbfields · 23/03/2021 11:51

Hey everyone, I've had a good chuckle at some of the replies on this thread. You are all a great bunch and you have really made me feel so much better about this whole situation.

I sent a message this morning, below is a word for word copy:

"Hey ladies, I've had a look into the options you've all sent over and I'm afraid I will not be going abroad at the expense you've quoted. My circumstances have changed since last year and without going into great detail, the money spent on the hen could go towards a new boiler for the house we're hoping to buy. Also, due to my shifts, I'd need at least 6 days off and I can't justify missing out on family trips etc after the terrible year we have all had. I really hope you understand, and hope Gemma* will understand too. I will of course be joining you all for any UK based celebrations and look forward to it. Take care and stay safe ladies xx"

  • not the brides real name.

So every member of the group chat has read my message and I haven't had a reply. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I initially felt like I was being unreasonable and selfish but this thread has made me realise I'm just a normal girl with normal expenses and I shouldn't have to spend a months salary to show how good a friend I am.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 23/03/2021 11:52

so I guess you could say I'm a hypocrite if I'm willing to pay for my parents holiday for my own wedding but not pay £1000 to go on a hen.

Nope! You are not hypocritical at all - they are 2 quite different circumstances. Your friend is a bridezilla. (I shall never understand why people spend so much on a wedding and expect others to do likewise)

Roadtohades · 23/03/2021 11:53

Well done and very nicely written OP! Hope you get support from some of the others now Flowers

Darbs76 · 23/03/2021 11:54

£1000 is way too much. I organised 3 nights in Spain for £200 each 10yrs ago. It was the most fun I’ve had in years.

Darbs76 · 23/03/2021 11:55

The bride and I also split the cost of another friends holiday so she could come

Leeds2 · 23/03/2021 11:56

I would hazard a guess, OP, that yours will be the first of several dropouts.

PussGirl · 23/03/2021 11:57

Your message is perfect - interesting to see what if anything comes back

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 23/03/2021 11:58

Why don't people just go out for a meal and a few drinks any more? It's getting ridiculous.

Ganasha · 23/03/2021 11:59

Very well written OP

JadeSeahorse · 23/03/2021 12:01

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

Why don't people just go out for a meal and a few drinks any more? It's getting ridiculous.
This with massive bells on!
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/03/2021 12:01

Yanbu. Never understands people who think they are entitled to expect people to shell out all their money on a hen do. Bloody awful.

MimiDaisy11 · 23/03/2021 12:03

I'd never put anything like this on people. And if I really wanted something like this it seems sensible to ask everyone else what they think and if they can afford it. Only then once I made sure would I think of arranging it. I don't get that because you're a bride you get to act like a demanding child.

With travel not settled down, I agree with your idea of a few nights in the UK. Before I read all your message I was thinking if I was going to ask people to spend a few days with me I'd have to be the one to pay for the accommodation and a lodge or some nice apartment rental in the UK would be more acceptable and something on me to pay for.

Your message sounds sensible. I'm surprised there aren't others in the same situation.

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