Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

You have to stand your ground. You have your own life and expenses. Who made this bride to be the queen of everything? Most normal people try and do something small and sensible so people can come. When did it get to be that hen parties have to be a holiday abroad? It’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s a night at the pub or a uk holiday cottage for a night with a hot tub. This has all gone too far now and people need to reign it in. Be firm. Write back “I’m sorry but there are ifs and buts. I have my own wedding to save for and we are buying a house. We cannot afford £1000 for a holiday next year. I also haven’t had a holiday with my partner or family for two years. Next summer my holiday priority will be my close loved ones. I think this is incredibly selfish to be honest. I will not participate. I think it’s reasonable to have a uk based cheaper alternative for those of us who do not want to go that far for a hen party”

Wow! I cant believe how many bridezillas behave so badly they lose long term friendships. Its ok for the bride, mummy is paying. The rest of you dont have that luxury. As someone else said, once you factor in drinks and expensive beach club beds (because this will come up later) it will cost significantly more. And no doubt mummy will be even more pushy in person

OP please don't feel pressured into doing this, its a huge sum of money and i totally get why you would want to prioritise your own family.

However if you think you can get 5 nights in a lodge with a hot tub plus spends and entertainment in the uk for £250 per person you're dreaming

Your “friend” is a tacky, basic moron who is likely to end up losing her long term relationships due to her attitude.

I would message the group chat: “I won’t be attending the overseas trip, it’s too expensive and requires too much annual leave. I have other financial commitments this year, however if I didn’t I would also not be committing this money to a hen because I inevitably have other priorities as an adult with a family of my own. I’m not going to enter into negotiations about my finances.

It is unreasonable to expect this from a friend and to pressure me. I wanted to celebrate your wedding with you, and would be thrilled to organise a sensible hen in the UK. This is my final word on the overseas trip, I hope we can move on and plan something lovely to celebrate.”

I would be tempted to put the link for this thread on the group chat. Oooops, wrong link. Job done. Boom. But no, tad harsh, but oooh, what fun to see the replies. Seriously though, take control of this mad situation you’ve got yourself in. Nope, not happening.

What @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy said is perfect! Copy and paste that

I’ve never been to a hen do.

She sounds terrible. Don't put yourself out of pocket for that

Good luck with sending the message, OP.

Expensive hen parties + themed outfits (WTAF?) + group chat is about the most revolting combination of things I can imagine.

If you are yourself planning to get married, buy a house etc, you'll find that your friendships tend to move on anyway as you'll meet new and less annoying people, so this will all fade into the background. If you have children in due course, you'll probably find it hard even to remember the name of this bride-to-be person that you used to be friends with in years to come.

@Muchtoomuchtodo

Just keep saying, I’m sorry I won’t be able to join you.

You’ve gone into details once. That’s enough. It’s also very cheeky to assume that everyone has money store at the end of each month to save for this purpose.

That.

You won't be the only one who cannot justify the expense.

Good luck OP

I know it's easier to say than live through but if your friend falls out with you, not wanting to spend a grand celebrating her getting married, prior to the spending that will br required for the actual wedding, then she isn't actually a friend.

When did the proof of a good friendship become how much you can give them financially rather than how much you support each other, laugh together, enjoy each others company, see there in a crisis etc

If someone thinks it's a good idea to organize a hen party abroad costing around 1000 quid per person under the current circumstances then they must have been living under a rock or in their own privileged little bubble for the past year.
Yes, the hen party is next year and yes, people have a year to save but does the groom's mother and the bride herself not realize how many people are struggling financially at the moment and that every penny that people might be able to save (if they can manage to save at all) will be needed for day-to-day living, for repairs, for a holiday with their own family etcetc
The only appropriate response when someone says they can't afford it is, "Oh what a shame. Let's go out for a drink before the wedding instead". Then those who can afford the hen party and want to go can go. To put pressure on people who have said they can't afford it is completely inappropriate and selfish. Do they want others to have to cut back on things they need for their families so that they can go and get drunk some abroad??

Then there's the pandemic issue. We can all hope that things might be better by next year and that we can travel freely again... but who knows? If new mutations emerge which are resistant to vaccines we could find ourselves still facing restrictions in 2022.
Organizing a hen party abroad until the situation is much more stable is a bit daft in my opinion.... in addition to the issue of how people's financial circumstances might change in the next year - for many it could get even worse.

My thoughts -
Bloody hell a good old fashioned bridezilla thread - they’ve been missing during Covid.
The longer you say ‘I’ll try’ the more plans will become entrenched and the more a ‘no’ will cause ructions.
I’d say a ‘firm but really regretful no’ soon.
I’m assuming that on top of familiar bride planning craziness sometimes seen, brides and families will also have had year of stress and crap and be investing even more in plans and unrealistic expectations !

I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts"

Answer: "And she's absolutely free to go, but unfortunately it will be without me".

Good grief, I'm so glad I got married at a time when hen nights were at most a fairly quiet evening out at a restaurant.

If the bride is insisting, then her rich parents can pay for you all. I'd tell the cheeky bitch mother and her daughter that.

With that price too, you're probably paying the brides half as well. I doubt the mother actually is.

It's ridiculous to expect that after we've been through a pandemic. People want to go on holiday with their own families, not some stuck up cow who hasn't ever been told the word no.

Following this intently.

In a similar situation myself. Going on an overseas hen do for 3 nights, was told rough cost would be no more than £400, so paid for flights and hotel. The cost just keeps going up, now more than double. For THREE nights. The bride wants luxury activities and an action packed itinery, amongst other things. Feel like I'm in too deep to say no to any of these things, or the two other UK hen dos I originally agreed to for her and paid deposits on. Everyone else is going along with it, so I'll be the unreasonable one as far as the party is concerned if I say no. 100% would be demoted from bridesmaid if I did.

Absolute madness. Would never normally allow anything like this, but appear to have lost my balls in this situation.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Good luck OP

I know it's easier to say than live through but if your friend falls out with you, not wanting to spend a grand celebrating her getting married, prior to the spending that will br required for the actual wedding, then she isn't actually a friend.

When did the proof of a good friendship become how much you can give them financially rather than how much you support each other, laugh together, enjoy each others company, see there in a crisis etc

Exactly on your last paragraph. This friend sees her friends as a bank basically, and probably free counsellors.

That's insane. I don't think anyone can afford that at the moment. And if we are going on holiday at all it will be with family!

Also I wouldnt go into loads of detail about your finances or wanting to save for a house, as you have seen they will just come up with arguments against it (well 1k isnt going to get you very far with a house is it...etc) the less detail the less they will think they can use it to persuade you

Crikey - I'm very happy that I am old enough to remember when all my friends got married and it wasn't a Hen "Do" but a Hen "Night". This was always going out for a meal and usually on to a club.

When did it morph into weekends or weeks away? No wonder young people are struggling financially if they're having to attend these things on a regular basis. I seem to remember going through a period of 5 years or so when I went to countless weddings and it was hard enough paying for travel, outfits and presents etc.

Could people try and make retro hen nights a fashionable thing to do?

@Muchtoomuchtodo

Just keep saying, I’m sorry I won’t be able to join you.

You’ve gone into details once. That’s enough. It’s also very cheeky to assume that everyone has money store at the end of each month to save for this purpose.

Yes this. You absolutely do NOT have to go and this person is no friend if they would want you to spend money you can't spare just to make them happy.

I hope it resolves without drama but do not allow yourself to be bullied.

Urgh I hate this whole attitude.

We had 180 people at our wedding with an open bar. We had the money for an extravagant hen do, but I wouldn't have dreamt of asking people to pay so much because it's so small minded. My bridesmaids organisesd a 1 night stay in a city roughly equidistant from where everyone lived (throughout the UK). I think the hotel, dinner, drinks, 2 mini spa treatments, and breakfast all came to £120. I checked everyone was okay to pay this before we booked. If someone wasn't I'd have either split the bill with them or picked something less expensive.

Regardless of finances, there's no chance I'd be using 8 days of my annual leave for 1 friend!

Tell your friend if she wants to show off have an open bar. People might actually enjoy that!

YA absolutely NBU

I also wouldn’t go into my finances in detail. I’d probably respond by picking up the MOB’s comment and quoting to the whole group. ‘Sorry I have family commitments and this won’t be possible. I hope you all have a lovely time.’

They don’t need to know what you’re saving for. And saving to pay for your mum / stepdad to go abroad or saving for a wedding / house is your money, your choice and a lot less shallow than dumping more than a grand on a hen do you don’t wish to attend.

OP, it's also possible that if you stand firm, others will do the same. They're probably all waiting for one person to say it first.

I don't think I have any friends who even had hen nights, never mind lengthy trips. That's probably why we are friends.

Op you sound lovely. You're too good for friends like these. If she cuts you out over this it will be no loss. I'd rather have no friends than friends like this! Can't be arsed with such drama.