Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

@Strawbfields

I hope that anyone reading this thread who is considering putting something like this onto their friends thinks twice. Please let this be a lesson on how NOT to arrange a hen do.

Agreed, some people are exceptionally cheeky when it comes to hen do's if that's what they want fine, but you can't throw your toys out of the pram when its not achievable for everyone else! I promise you, everyone who says they're going now wont all feel the same when it comes to parting with their cash

@Strawbfields

It's insane isn't it? I'm laughing out loud as I write this, the damn cheek of it all!

I don't know the bridesmaid very well. I've met her 2/3 times briefly although she seems friendly and was the one who privately messaged me weeks ago to agree that it was a heck of a lot of money etc. So for her to be the one to lambast me has shocked me.

Hey, I'm sure their Instagram pages will look great at the time. I hope when the time comes for me to have children that they never grow up to be spoiled little brats!

I’d have accidentally sent a screenshot of that message to the bride just for amusement value given how awful they have all been. But then I can be really petty when I want to be.

[quote Strawbfields]@MarieDelaere hey, we have a group chat and when I voiced my concerns (along the lines of "look, I can't take 6 days off work for a hen party when I'm already taking 2 days off for the wedding and I also can't afford to spend £1000 on a jolly abroad because we are in the process of house hunting" I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts" [/quote]
Just keep saying no.

Either stand up and say it or stop moaning. It's that simple. They can't force you.

Hard to say what the OHs are expected to do, and to get us to do, @AryaStarkWolf (and @Strawbfields).

Get us to grovel, probably, using their manly ways.

It's incredibly sexist and offensive to other people's relationships. But then the whole of modern wedding culture is.

@Strawbfields

Thank you so much ladies, I really appreciate your comments as I was starting to think maybe I was just being a killjoy.

The bride and I are good friends but she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around because she's hyper sensitive and very self absorbed. I am almost 100% certain that if I messaged her to say I can't spend that amount on a hen do she would take it personally. She has led a very spoiled life, both from her parents and partner, and telling her no is just a nightmare. As I said on my OP, if her wedding was abroad, that would be totally different, but I can't justify the money for a hen do.

How interesting she is so sensitive she can't take it but not such a shrinking violet sensitive soul that she can't make demands. You're a mug to fall from her pathetic games.

@SunshineCake

Maybe try reading the thread - or at least look at the OPs updates.
It has sort of moved on in the last 800 posts.

[quote FoonySpucker]@SunshineCake

Maybe try reading the thread - or at least look at the OPs updates.
It has sort of moved on in the last 800 posts.[/quote]
When I posted I missed that it had gone on for eight pages. No need to have attitude.

@Strawbfields use this as an opportunity to be firmer in your own life and less of a people pleaser and your boyfriend sounds great.

You’ve done the right thing and dodged a bullet! These people are not your friends.

I don't get the inter-relationship between expecting the bridesmaids to spend £1k on a hen AND all the wedding guests to queue up at a pay bar and how that extrapolated into feeling like a princess.

The suggestion was that it's this kind of expectation - 'feeling like a princess', having the 'best day of your life', and having everyone pander to you to ensure you achieve that end - which is fuelling the gargantuan sense of expectation lately displayed by many marrying couples (yes, unfortunately the brides in particular). This is the kind of attitude that leads to these unrealistic expectations and in turn to situations like this.

Consideration for their guests' comfort is likely to be last on their list of priorities.

Being quite old, and having suffered a lot of weddings where different degrees of this sort of thing were inflicted on guests, when DH and I got married, we deliberately made it as budget friendly as possible for guests. Hen was a spa day that a Wowcher or groupon deal was available on, we did a reccie to the hotel to check drinks prices were reasonable, and the actual wedding reception location had loads of hotels within easy walking distance from it, whole range of budgets. Fwiw I still thoroughly enjoyed the hen. A couple of us stayed at the hotel afterwards, but it was all very much done on come for as much as you want/can afford. From feedback it would seem that it was much appreciated, as lots of people are thoroughly fed up with high priced drinks, and unreasonable demands, so well done for being the voice of reason OP

With ‘friends’ like these, who needs enemies?

You did the right thing op, I’d be drastically re-thinking your friendship circle after this farce.

@SunshineCake if you click "see all" on the OPs post it's a quick and easy way to catch up on a long thread

Consideration for their guests' comfort is likely to be last on their list of priorities.

The over-priced venues' "wedding co-ordinators" don't help, either.

One of the abiding memories of the most recent wedding I attended is the hours of hanging around waiting for something to happen. Or for the bloody bar to open. Anything.

I loathe the stultifying madness of wedding "packages".

Honestly @Strawbfields I could not agree with you more and most of the posters here. The whole hen wedding thing has gotten TOTALLY out of hand, bringing out people's inner diva honestly I've fallen out with so many people over this kind of thing! Abroad weddings PLUS abroad hens, wanting stupidly expensive activities and wanting to hen to be covered and not pay a penny (?!???). The whole thing is ridiculous and looks like good riddance if you aren't going to be friendly with this diva anymore!

libbykate astonished at your reading of this situation and your suggestion that it is op who has behaved poorly. Good god woman are the mil of Gemma ? Are you still egging you soon to be sil to send bullying texts to op’s dp/dh ?

Additionally the full horror of sharing a sofa bed with a stranger with two others sharing a bed in the same room is incomprehensible. No way I would agree to this ever and how on earth does that youth hostel set up cost so much ? This Gemma sounds grasping all fur coat and no knickers classless bully nightmare.

I would come to the wedding wearing white 😄

[quote NotSorry]@SunshineCake if you click "see all" on the OPs post it's a quick and easy way to catch up on a long thread[/quote]
I'm aware of that. I just hadn't looked at how many pages there already were.

Coming very late, but just to say that I love your OH, and well done you. You really dodged a bullet there.
Not sure I'd accept an apology from the bride. I might get to speaking terms, and be polite, but never friends again.
She was never yours, btw:
"she's the kind of person who you walk on eggshells around"

Are you still going to the wedding, though? I wouldn't.

@Lweji

Are you still going to the wedding, though? I wouldn't.

If she doesn't go, how else will we find out whether there are ten groomsmen dressed in white?

@RosesAndHellebores

I don't get the inter-relationship between expecting the bridesmaids to spend £1k on a hen AND all the wedding guests to queue up at a pay bar and how that extrapolated into feeling like a princess. It extrapolated into being "all fur coat and no knickers". Anyone worthy of feeling like a princess would arrange a nice lunch for her besties and have a wedding she could afford to host.

it's astounding I agree 🌺

DdraigGoch

Good point. And a free meal, I suppose. Presents are not mandatory. Not sure it would be worth the trouble, though.

Did your OH get a reply @Strawbfields

Well swerved OP, what a relief. Of course the others will be cursing you now thinking they should have got in before you with an excuse, I can't imagine anyone I know being happy at the thought of spending a thousand pounds on a hen do. And being angry at you for not being able to afford something? It's like a toddler having a tantrum because you won't buy them an ice cream! I'd avoid the wedding too tbh, it's not going to go well for you is it.

I have organised two hen dos and there was a cost involved for meal/activities (max 50 quid if memory serves) and a few people said they couldn't afford the money or the time and that was absolutely fine and fair enough, no tantrums required!

Upset that you've missed zoom wedding chats? I'd say I was upset that my shift work hadn't been considered when they were arranging them! They aren't considering your work commitments so they kind of removed you from the group anyway tbh...

Also expecting you to save it in a year? That's just over £80 a month for a whole fucking year!

You've done the right thing. I love your DP/DH's thumbs up response!