Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

Well done you have behaved with dignity and common sense. I think overseas hen do like this are indulgent and extravagant. I would never expect my friends to pay that sort of money.

Genuinely that's the only way I can rationalise otherwise completely normal women turning into bridezillas!

I think it says some interesting things about our culture, and none of them good. About the way women are still apparently conditioned to believe their wedding day should THE happiest day of their lives. And so it should be happy, but committing to one partner for live is not the zenith of a woman's achievements in life. Plus the pressure often makes it the opposite. That they 'dream' about their wedding day from being little girls. That they should feel like a 'Princess for a day'. (Who wants to be? The constitution is anachronistic and corrupt). That they should be 'given away' by some male relative like a parcel and even relinquish their own name. That the attach such huge importance to differentiating between the titles 'Miss, Ms and Mrs', insisting on the 'Mrs' even though they're all truncations of the same word.

And yes, I'm married, but not under any of the conditions stated above.

I think this is the reason women respond to impending marriage this sort of way, and the story outlined on this thread isn't atypical or that unbelievable, but fairly common. 'Groomzilla' is a thing too, but not nearly so pervasive.

The patriarchy has sold them a pup.

I think you’re well out of it OP.
If they’re real friends they won’t make you feel bad. The Hen is what, a year away? It’s not like you reneged at the last minute.
Can you imagine how fraught the wedding lead up is going to be if she’s so fraught about the hen weekend?

Haven't RTFT.

But if anything, shouldn't brides 'dial down' their expectations around their pre-wedding celebrations to make it more inclusive for friends / family members etc.?

Also, if I was the bride, no way would I want to force someone to come on holiday with me who didn't want to be there. I would want to go with my friends, not my entourage!!

Some brides seem to forget that marriage does not signal the end of girly holidays / expensive trips / weekends away etc.

Surely just spending some time doing something fun and accessible with your best 'girl squad' (sorry) is what a hen do is all about? Bridezillas - read the room FGS!!

It is a real shame that you have been treated this way by people you thought of as friends OP. The wedding is no excuse!

I hope that you are as resilient and good-humoured as you sound.

Their loss in the end.

Lucky you found out before you spent a fortune (a boiler)and a precious holiday with them.

Can't believe the fiancee messaged your OH, how embarrassing for them really. I certainly wouldn't be going to the wedding. Can i ask how many women are going on the Hen trip? Are you good friends with any of them? I find it unbelievable that all the others will be happy to spend that much money and time tbh

OP - this whole situation is totally insane. You’re much better off dropping the “friendship” group (they sound dreadful) and politely declining the wedding invite if it actually comes through.

The 6 days off work is a much bigger imposition than the cost IMO. I wouldn’t want to spend £1k to stay in a shared apartment sleeping on a sofa bed. You can have 2 nights in a lovely luxury Cotswolds hotel for that!!

Could have written your posts myself OP. The day I was demoted was the biggest relief and I've never heard from the bride since. Initially I mourned the friendship but on reflection, it obviously wasn't a friendship worth keeping because friends just don't treat you like that. Two years on, I've barely given her a second thought and don't have any regrets that she's no longer part of my life.

It sounds like you've got some great people around you and that you've done what's right for you.

I'm getting married next year and couldn't be more conscious that my day just isn't as important to others as it is for me. I'd hate for my decisions to cause pressure and stress for others - I'm just looking forward to marrying my DP and if our family and friends can be there with us then that's a bonus.

Well done to you for standing by your own principles. These are not the types of friends you want to journey life with. Good riddance to them all. Be proud of yourself for not joining this circus.

The bizarre thing about all this (and similar hen do trips) is that of this group of people - friends, family etc- want to go on holiday together so desperately - they can just book a holiday and go. They don't need to wait for one of the group to get married and have to tie it in with the wedding party etc. Just go abroad together and have a great time!

If it's not a group everyone would choose to go on holiday with, then you can't expect them to spend holiday-level money and annual leave and bully other people into going.

I always wonder about these posts - like five years down the line when she’s reminiscing, is she going to reflect on how she lost a friend because friend couldn’t commit to a hen do for financial reasons, and realise how ridiculously she behaved? Or is she just going to rile herself up again and tell a heavily edited story to her (undoubtedly brand new) friends?

It just beggars belief it really does.

@AnaofBroceliande

She'll invite you to the evening do with a tacky poem telling you to hand her cash.

Just nope out of that one, too. Gotta get the boiler serviced or file your nails or something.

For that price, she could have a brand new boiler.

@Strawbfields

Her fiancé just messaged my OH to say it's "bang out of order" that I've said I won't go abroad for the hen. OH has sent back a thumbs up emoji

Just when I thought the situation couldn't get any funnier lol!

Oh oh oh, I don't know how I missed this post last time I read this - he did WHAT???!!!

"Bang out of order" - what a load of self-indulgent SHIT! You are not under ANY obligation to go to her poxy hen extravaganza but it does sound like they were expecting your input to help pay for Bridezilla's trip, and possibly other (MOB, MOG?)

After reading that, I would honestly sack the whole thing off and leave them to it - I'm gobsmacked that he would think that was an ok thing to do!

I do love your OH's response though

Weddings se to ha e got so completely out of hand in the last few years.

On what other occasion would it be acceptable to expect a friend to shell out £1000 to sleep on a sofa bed in a self-catering apparent in order to celebrate your occasion.

I think in return for demoting you as a bridesmaid you should demote her as a friend.

Getting multiple people to message you and make you feel like shit is out of order, and she is no friend of yours.

Even if you could afford it easily, its your choice if you spend that much money on something, and making you feel shit because you can’t is bitchy and unnecessary.

Can't believe the fiancee messaged your OH

It happened to me and my DP, @AryaStarkWolf! The groom-to-be rang up DP absolutely raging about something the Bridezilla claimed I had done or not done which was all absolute bollocks.

DP told them to stick their wedding up their arses. I've still got their 'wedding money' sitting in my bank account.

I'm curious about what will happen with that friendship group if the next bridesmaid plans a wedding with a £1k hen do. I mean is that going to be another year of saving up? What if they all expect £1k spend on their hen. And if you've asked someone to do that for you, you can hardly say no. It wouldn't be fair.

Well done, OP. You really have dodged a bullet, there.

I wouldn't be going to that wedding if they literally paid me.

Shame your OH replied to her fiance with a thumbs up emoji - may give the impression that he agrees with him. I'd be getting him to send another emoji saying 'when Bridezilla calms down can you let her know we won't be attending the wedding after the disgraceful way Strawbs has been treated for literally putting her own family first. Have a fab wedding and good luck - you're gonna need it!'

What a bunch of twats, honestly!!

I hope that anyone reading this thread who is considering putting something like this onto their friends thinks twice. Please let this be a lesson on how NOT to arrange a hen do.

There's some really cheeky brides out there. But this is a whole entourage of cheeky
Lucky escape there

I read this yesterday and was shocked and now I've caught up I AM ENRAGED!
I honestly can't believe people can be sol self absorbed.

You’ve done the right thing here, OP. I read another thread recently about a friendship gone wrong and the OP had in the past been pressured into going on an expensive hen and had taken out a loan to pay for it. I think the current issue was her inability to attend the baby shower as she was working and the friend told her to pull a sickie. Some people are incredibly entitled. They are best avoided. No one needs a ‘friend’ like that.

Shame the pandemic hasn't made people like Bridezilla and her friends reevaluate what's really important in life.

££££ overseas hen dos and extravagant weddings? Not so much.

Having your nearest and dearest there on your important days, even if it's not fancy? Priceless.

@MarieDelaere

Can't believe the fiancee messaged your OH

It happened to me and my DP, @AryaStarkWolf! The groom-to-be rang up DP absolutely raging about something the Bridezilla claimed I had done or not done which was all absolute bollocks.

DP told them to stick their wedding up their arses. I've still got their 'wedding money' sitting in my bank account.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people? Also what was he expecting your OH to do, discipline you or something? Weirdos

I don't get the inter-relationship between expecting the bridesmaids to spend £1k on a hen AND all the wedding guests to queue up at a pay bar and how that extrapolated into feeling like a princess. It extrapolated into being "all fur coat and no knickers". Anyone worthy of feeling like a princess would arrange a nice lunch for her besties and have a wedding she could afford to host.

@RosesAndHellebores

I don't get the inter-relationship between expecting the bridesmaids to spend £1k on a hen AND all the wedding guests to queue up at a pay bar and how that extrapolated into feeling like a princess. It extrapolated into being "all fur coat and no knickers". Anyone worthy of feeling like a princess would arrange a nice lunch for her besties and have a wedding she could afford to host.

I totally agree ^^

If anything, this has taught me how not to treat people when my time comes (not that I'd ever dream of putting anyone through this)