Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

It’s just occurred to me that someone should collect all these Bridezilla stories and turn them into slender volume, as they call them. It’d be bound to be a bestseller at Christmas - perfect stocking filler. ‘Bridezillas From Hell’, ‘Batshit Brides’ - I’m sure some MNer could come up with a snappy title.

There is a book by Lucy Vine called What Fresh Hell on exactly this topic. It's fiction but contains a few real-life examples of batshit brides too!

@LibbyKate

I find this thread quite disturbing. I agree that the money is a lot and it was probably a trip that wasn’t hugely well thought-out, but some of the language and vitriol is really shocking. We all do things that, in hindsight, we realise weren’t the best idea. Maybe the bride was just over-excited and was looking forward to having everyone there? Maybe the other hens are also secretly worrying about money and felt a bit put out, as they would like to pull out but don’t feel they can?

I get the impression you are really enjoying this OP. It’s quite tasteless.

Would we want a group of girls/women attacking our daughters online like this..?

Hi @LibbyKate, I'm not enjoying any of this. If you read the full thread you'll understand that I've been made to feel humiliated and shamed by several members of the wedding party over an obscenely priced hen party.

Perhaps that's what you were referring to when you said it's distasteful? If so, I would agree. It's extremely poor taste to expect "friends" to stump up in excess of £1000 to attend a jolly abroad in light of the horrendous year that the global population has faced.

There is absolutely no point in replying, they aren't listening and if "I can't afford it" isn't enough what is?

I feel sorry for all the poor saps that have been sucked into this ridiculous circus. I give the marriage a year.

Also @LibbyKate, I have been attacked in a passive aggressive manner on the group chat and also by the bride herself, would you want your daughters etc to be treated as I have?

I find this thread quite disturbing. I agree that the money is a lot and it was probably a trip that wasn’t hugely well thought-out, but some of the language and vitriol is really shocking. We all do things that, in hindsight, we realise weren’t the best idea. Maybe the bride was just over-excited and was looking forward to having everyone there? Maybe the other hens are also secretly worrying about money and felt a bit put out, as they would like to pull out but don’t feel they can?

Did you read all of the posts??
The mother of the groom told the OP that the "bride wants to go abroad no ifs or buts".
The bridesmaids and then the bride cut the OP off when she said she couldn't afford it.
If the bride was a nice person who had got "over-excited", she would have realized at the point the OP said she couldn't afford it that perhaps the week abroad was over the top and either suggested something else so everyone could be there or simply said to the OP, "Oh what a shame. Let's get together for a drink some other time".
NOT respond in such an entitled manner and dump the OP as a bridesmaid.
The other bridesmaids are no better either.

I hate these sort of things, people feel they have to go and use their own holiday money that they need for their own holidays! Its so selfish of the person getting married?

Perhaps that's what you were referring to when you said it's distasteful? If so, I would agree. It's extremely poor taste to expect "friends" to stump up in excess of £1000 to attend a jolly abroad in light of the horrendous year that the global population has faced.

Good point OP.
This bride is not some over-excited lovely person who got carried away. You have to be living on another planet or completely self-absorbed not to realize these are extremely difficult times. She seems to have no awareness that others might be struggling.
She should have talked to everyone first about what might be possible in the MIDDLE OF A FUCKING PANDEMIC and whether booking somewhere abroad is advisable and whether people could afford to go. Or whether they could take holiday etcetcetc.

You’ve definitely dodged a bullet. I had a wedding abroad, no hen and a party at my parents house for those that couldn’t travel for the wedding. No requests for gifts either.

Have been on a hen abroad that was a week long but we rented a big villa in the algarve for about 12 of us and was v. cheap with east jet flights. The bride had a friend who lived on the algarve and knew the guy with the villa.

Worst BZ I’ve met was one who didn’t actually invite me or lots of our uni friends to the wedding but sent emails around with the link to the gift list and pleading requests!! As if I’m gonna give a gift when I’m not invited to the wedding

A true friend would understand if you don't have the money to attend, and would be disappointed not angry.

There is no need for any further contact from them now as you have made your decision and they have accepted it. Anything further from them now would be bullying you.

It is fine for brides to choose what they want, but they need to understand that not everyone can afford it, and they should accept that.

Well done for sticking to your guns op.

Just reading some of this, your message to them on the group chat was perfect and their reply was extremely infantile. Reminds me of a 40th weekend in Butlins I was invited to by a close friend, was an 80's themed one fri-mon lots of heavy drinking planned, £350 -400. I didnt want to go, dont do heavy drinking and could not afford as had a young baby at the time, my close friend ignored me for a week. I dont get it, i would never react that way & would understand, true friends would. I would just meet up with the person seperately for a meal if it were me, no worries !

@Nith

Sharing a bed in a room with three other people for a few nights is close to my idea of hell, paying £1K for the privilege is just ridiculous. Especially if you don't even get to have a say in the destination.

🙌🏻

Start another group chat with all the other girls (not the bride or brides dm or dmil and get the lay of the land. If you are all in agreement so much the better & you'll all
Have support x good luck, I feel for you, I hate these type of hen/stag do's.. such entitled behaviour from the bride/groom

@Cavagirl

She did however say I was "welcome" to attend as a guest

oh thank you so much - how much are the tickets?

I know it's a bit late now but how I wish you'd reply with this!!

I feel for you, OP. An old friend had her hen do and wedding abroad and it cost a fortune. In hindsight I wish I hadn’t gone to the hen do, but I was swept up in it all at the time. Hope it all works out ok for you.

I have just read all of your posts. I think being dropped from bridesmaid duties is probably a lucky escape.

I feel sad that people (her) have ruined your friendship for this.

Are you close to any others in the group? Just wondering if they'll start coming to you one by one in support. They probably are a bit shocked themselves and thinking if they step out of line, they'll be in the firing line!

I don't think the OP is enjoying this at all. She's been cast out by a group of people she thought were friends and in her posts she's just trying to see some humour in their silly self-centred statements.

OP I also find it amusing that the "gang" have realised that having blocked you, they have also blocked themselves from continuing to send hurtful messages so they are getting the groom to be, to pass on their resentment to your OH.

I think your sense of humour about this situation is warranted. They are both unkind and pathetic. Its a shame they haven't got anything better to think about than sending little barbs your way.

It’s like another world out there!

I’m part of a group arranging a hen do

We all literally bend over backwards to accommodate everyone - whether that be finances, childcare problems, dietary requirements. No bitching. No drama.
Just kindness, respect and.... well, friendship and shared love for the bride.

The thing is it is an invitation not a summons. So if you feel it is too expensive, can't get the time off, don't want to go that is absolutely fine and you should be upfront and say so. Be brave. Of course that might lead to a fall out but would that be a great loss? Who wants to be friends with someone you have to walk on eggshells to not offend. She sounds draining and I would use this as a way of letting this relationship go.

OP you have handled this admirably. No way would I be able to afford the money or annual leave, and to be told I was 'bang out of order'. I have no words.

OP, how close are you to any of the other bridesmaids?

Well done. Quite honestly I would walk away from the friendship - she’s not your friend. If she was she’s want you at her wedding in any capacity but that obviously isn’t the case. Hen dos have become completely ridiculous and the pressure on people is nuts. You have done the right thing.She is not you’re friend.

If our daughters were acting like entitled brats @LibbyKate, then they will be talked about with vitriol, deservedly so.

I can only imagine that when someone asks you to marry them, it makes you feel so special. And it should make you feel special - the man of your dreams choosing you over every one else he could ever imagine.

But then, that feeling of being so special sort of.... MUTATES....

Genuinely that's the only way I can rationalise otherwise completely normal women turning into bridezillas!