Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

YABU not to put a vote up!! You would definitely have got 100% agreement that you are NOT being unresonable.

One of my colleagues at work lost her BF over ridiculous hen party demands. My colleague ended up paying for everyone on her credit card and then only half of the hens paid her back in full. She lost hundreds and the bride felt she should just take the hit.

2 years later, the bride is getting divorced and has lost her childhood best mate.

Any replies yet OP?

Unless covid is under control by the time of this wedding, you'd all be breaking the law anyway.

Whilst the stay at home restrictions are in place, you are only allowed to leave home in order to travel abroad if you have a reasonable excuse.

It is illegal to leave home without a reasonable excuse. Travel abroad for holidays is not permitted.

The stay at home restrictions end on 29 March 2021. They are due to be replaced by stay in UK restrictions. From 29 March, subject to the approval of Parliament, it will remain unlawful to leave the UK unless you have a permitted reason.

From here:
www.gov.uk/guidance/coronavirus-covid-19-declaration-form-for-international-travel

Who are these people that expect their friends to blow thousands on their hen do? They probably expect hundreds of pounds worth of wedding presents on top too. When did brides get so outrageously greedy and selfish...

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU

Who are these people that expect their friends to blow thousands on their hen do? They probably expect hundreds of pounds worth of wedding presents on top too. When did brides get so outrageously greedy and selfish...

It's got to be something to do with the rise and rise of (a) available credit, (b) a wedding industry based on that, (c) stupid lifestyle glossy wedding crap online everywhere that pushes rampant consumerism at people who don't to be made to feel or seen to be 'cheap', and (d) pre-wedding and wedding 'packages' that are over-sold with endless add-ons by a hospitality industry desperate for a source of steady income.

The avaricious and faux-snobbish meets and taps into the entitled, naive and gullible ...

Lolz OP- I had/have a friend like this and if she’s like mine by the time it’s your hen do she’ll be pregnant/have a baby and couldn’t possibly attend and you’ll understand when you have kids. When you do have a baby you’ll still be expected to bend over backwards because she’ll have more than one kid and you couldn’t imagine how hard that is. When you have two kids her kids will be older and then she’ll be pressuring you to do all the stuff that she couldn’t possibly have and airily tell you to just sort out a sitter and come along 🙄

Hey everyone, I still haven't had a reply from anyone and there has been no further messages in the chat. The bride also hasn't replied to me.

I had a good chat with my mum today and my OH and both of them have said exactly what you all have. This whole fiasco has got me totally resenting the whole wedding day carry on now. Isn't the whole point of a wedding to be about getting married to your OH and sharing the day with those close to you? Why all the expense and self absorbed nonsense? It's needless and selfish

I am reading this and am in shock, me wedding is next year ( was this year) so everything has been postponed now. My hen party cost 200e for one night ( dinner and accommodation included in this) when it was planned this year. I personally hate hen parties, only having one as my sister says I have to have one, but there will only be 10 people at it, not tat what so ever, no wearing matching clothes etc. It will be a nice dinner with a club and cocktails after. It was to be a bank holiday Saturday so no need to take too much time off. My mother and my mother in law ( who is 79) will definitely not be at it. Do not agree with that at all, will organize afternoon tea for my mother, mother in law and aunts etc one Saturday afternoon before the wedding - 35e max each. All I want is a nice few drinks get together to celebrate the days up to my wedding. No way in the world would I inflict a weeks holiday costing that much on my friends nor would I want to spend a weeks holiday with them. Holidays are for how you want to spend them be it with family etc. Well done in your response, you have nipped it in the bud early

@Strawbfields

Hey everyone, I still haven't had a reply from anyone and there has been no further messages in the chat. The bride also hasn't replied to me.

I had a good chat with my mum today and my OH and both of them have said exactly what you all have. This whole fiasco has got me totally resenting the whole wedding day carry on now. Isn't the whole point of a wedding to be about getting married to your OH and sharing the day with those close to you? Why all the expense and self absorbed nonsense? It's needless and selfish

Yes.

And I'd be questioning my friendship with the bride tbh.

@Strawbfields

Hey *@LindyLou2020*, I totally agree with you. I think its poor taste.

In saying that though, my OH and I have discussed getting married and both agreed we would take both sets of parents to Cyprus (my mum and DSD have been together for 12 years and have never been abroad together - money is tight for them) so I guess you could say I'm a hypocrite if I'm willing to pay for my parents holiday for my own wedding but not pay £1000 to go on a hen. Then again, my DF passed away when I was 6 and my DM fell into major financial troubles due to DF having no life insurance so a holiday to see her only child get married would be a small way to thank her for everything she has done for me, and the sacrifices she made to ensure I had everything I needed.

Why are you a hypocrite? It’s your wedding, your parents and your money, it’s not a week away for someone else’s hen party. I know what I’d rather spend my money on and it wouldn’t make me a hypocrite.

I think the whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. Most people (with common sense) who have overseas hen parties don’t do it for 6 days or expect everyone to be able to afford to go. They usually have a 2nd hen party at home for everyone who couldn’t make it. I also think it’s ridiculous anyone is making plans to go overseas at the moment with covid.

Stop trying to justify your feelings, you don’t have to. As they taught you in Grange Hill, just say NO.

@Strawbfields

Hey everyone, I still haven't had a reply from anyone and there has been no further messages in the chat. The bride also hasn't replied to me.

I had a good chat with my mum today and my OH and both of them have said exactly what you all have. This whole fiasco has got me totally resenting the whole wedding day carry on now. Isn't the whole point of a wedding to be about getting married to your OH and sharing the day with those close to you? Why all the expense and self absorbed nonsense? It's needless and selfish

It really is

I just tell people right off the bat that I don't do this and tbh I now hope I never get another wedding invitation, just the wedding attendance is so expensive!

Don't worry about it, you have so done the right thing.

@ChronicallyCurious

I think YABU because it’s the brides hen party she can do what she wants, you don’t have to go? I’ve been invited to a few hen parties abroad and some I’ve gone to and some I’ve turned down because I can’t afford even when I was bridesmaid. I wouldn’t have expected them to change it because I couldn’t afford it, really it’s just a party to celebrate getting married.

Just say no sorry. The brides Mother is also being unreasonable because you don’t have to go and she shouldn’t be pushing that either. You just need to keep saying no sorry.

It’s her hen party, but it’s someone else’s wallet.... I couldn’t imagine wanting to spend other people’s money this way, I’d feel like crap.

I'm older but have lost count of the weddings of a younger generation that have been planned down to the last detail, colour scheme and that little something that no one else could ever think of, only to end in divorce within 5 years. My neice was the fastest, she had seperated and moved on to someone else before my sister had even finished paying off the loan for the wedding.

Hen partys are the same, all that planning and expense, even when in the UK it's often hundreds.

A wedding is a ceremony where people join you to celebrate and have fun, not angst over whether they can afford to attend.

@Wexone
My hen party cost 200e for one night ( dinner and accommodation included in this) when it was planned this year. I personally hate hen parties, only having one as my sister says I have to have one, but there will only be 10 people at it, not tat what so ever, no wearing matching clothes etc. It will be a nice dinner with a club and cocktails after.

200e that's before drinks and cocktails, is the club entrance included, are travel costs included, is breakfast included? I think 200e plus costs is a lot for one night. The hen the OP is invited too is less than that pro rata and with a bit of sun thrown in too.

folowing

@Imnotbent yes that does include breakfast, entrance to the club and a round of cocktails, it was also a drag show aswell in the club. Everyone was asked were they ok with that price and they were fine with it. My sister organized it and believe me if it was too dear she would tell me.

I don't get this. We had thirty people at our wedding, no stag, no hen, catered ourselves, made the cake ourselves, my DSIL made my dress, we walked to the venue, bought our wedding rings second hand in a local jewellery shop the week before.. several of the guests have independently told me since that it was one of the nicest weddings they've ever been to, because it was relaxed I think. I don't miss any of the things we didn't do, it was all still beautiful. I appreciate not everyone wants to do it like that but there is surely a middle way? Most people have friends with a range of incomes and over-elaborate plans often don't create fun for anyone except the wedding couple it seems - and sometimes not even them. My bro and DSIL spent a lot more on their wedding but just did a countryside afternoon tea thing and karting for their hen and stag. To me it just seems tacky to make such a giant fuss of yourself and spend other people's money for them.

YANBU it would be a push for some people without a pandemic. It's unrealistic to expect people to save for a hen jolly abroad when nobody really knows what's going to happen in the next year. If she has a strop or is funny about your refusal then it will show her up as unreasonable.

I use ‘because I don’t want to’. At the age of 40 I’ve come to realise I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. Well done for sending that reply OP, I’ve been on plenty of hen weekends but have never had to spend that much. It’s never mandatory.

Just say no.
Say you aren't going. You don't have to give a reason. No one can dictate to you that you have to use so many days holiday and spend that amount of money for someone else's hen do. Even if I had the money and holidays I wouldn't want to go away and spend that for a hen do. I wouldn't want to spend half of that.

Tell the bride no. Let other go if they want.

Offer to go out for a meal with your friend instead.

You may find some of the others involved don't have the time/money/inclination for it either and would appreciate someone making the move first.

No idea why hen and stag do have to now involve multiple days and a ton of money.

I was bridesmaid for a cousin of mine who had three hens - one abroad. One of her work friends pulled out - she is a single mum of three and said she just couldn't make it work. My cousin was LIVID - said she knew how much her colleague got as a redundancy payout and that she could easily have afforded the hen. Her colleague didn't have a new job to go to so needed to budget accordingly and, anyway, her finances were personal.

I think my reply would be 'Thank you for asking me but I can't think of anything I would like do less so I won't be joining you. I hope you all have a lovely time though.' Just leave it at that.

Am I alone in being too invested in the 'anticipated responses' 😳

Haven’t read all the replies but we went abroad for my hen do, 3 nights, 4 days for £400. £1000 is so expensive. Also, I was adamant all the way through that I would only go abroad if people could afford it and if they couldn’t that was absolutely fine, we wouldn’t go. They all wanted a girls weekend away (or so they said) and were happy to pay the ££. If anyone wasn’t I would’ve totally understood. The bride and her mother are being completely unreasonable, stand your ground.

Hey ladies, so I've been removed from the group chat. This is the message I just got from one of the other bridesmaids

"Thanks for letting us know. No worries, shame you can't make it when you have a year to save but fine. We are going to remove you from the chat now as we are keeping this chat specifically for those attending the hen. If we decide to do a UK one, we will add you to that nearer the time. Spoken to Gemma* this morning and she's raging that you've pulled out so I prob wouldn't message her for a few days. Cheers"

I am mortified and embarrassed but on their part, not my own. What absolute cows! I think I'll be washing my hair on the day of the wedding at this rate lol