Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

I wouldn’t worry too much about replies, people are probably wondering why they didn’t have the wherewithal to say no

I feel for you OP and I don't think YABU in the slightest, the bride is.
I'm a bride and my two bridesmaids are currently planning my hen do. We're having to alter what I had initially hoped to do (spend a weekend staying in a rented house or lodge in the U.K., in the countryside but not too far from London where most of us live, so that we can easily get there after work on Fri and back on Sun without the need for anyone to take annual leave) because Covid has meant we haven't known whether anything likely to go ahead or not until pretty late in the day, and it's proving v tricky to find accommodation to fit the bill - either things are too expensive and/or it seems in many cases rentals aren't letting you book for mixed households until the rules say so - even for an advance booking for say July when theoretically you could have mixed households, they're apparently not letting them book that now. So, hey ho won't be quite what I would have planned without Covid but at the end of the day, after the year we've all had the thing I'm most looking forward to is actually seeing my friends, and being somewhere different to my flat.

Essentially I'm saying, maybe you can tactfully suggest the bride adjusts her expectations? And if she insists on being a bridezilla (I just don't know where people get off expecting all their friends to use precious annual leave and huge amounts of money celebrating their hen do and wedding. By all means have a fun weekend but annual leave and that amount of money is for people to spend on holidays that are actually of their own choosing...).
Good luck OP!

@GoodbyeRosie

"Because I don't want to " - absolutely love it!

I was about 40 before I dared say that in reply to invites.

It covers everything from not liking the company, the event, the location - everything.

I do this now these days too, it’s very liberating I also sometimes say “no thanks, dont fancy it” I dint remember the last time I went somewhere I didnt want to, unless it was for the dc

Well done for standing up for yourself op

I think YABU because it’s the brides hen party she can do what she wants, you don’t have to go?
I’ve been invited to a few hen parties abroad and some I’ve gone to and some I’ve turned down because I can’t afford even when I was bridesmaid. I wouldn’t have expected them to change it because I couldn’t afford it, really it’s just a party to celebrate getting married.

Just say no sorry. The brides Mother is also being unreasonable because you don’t have to go and she shouldn’t be pushing that either. You just need to keep saying no sorry.

Well done for standing up for yourself OP, I bet others in the group think it is too expensive too! Hen parties have got so ridiculous, I haven’t been on any abroad but have been on some in the UK that have been up to £250 which I think is too much and sometimes wonder if the bride is actually bothered by half of what her friends decide to plan!

Fuck that. If she causes major issue then I'd walk from the friendship.
You said you would never expect that from your friends so why should it be ok that any of them expect that from you?

We didn't do stag/hen dos as such we had a boys vs girls paintball match and a pot luck party at a fancy tent in my uncles field. We brought loads of food with us too and we provided booze and paid for the paintballs and use of guns were a gift from a friend who had a mobile paintball business (it was his idea). Had a few other bits and bobs too but it was basically a big pre wedding party (about 3 months before hand), kids were all welcome too and it was so much fun.

People could camp out in the field too so cheap digs if wanted.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a hen/wedding abroad, but it needs to be affordable, reasonable and very much optional.

I had my hen do abroad, but it was to a destination that my friends and I had been discussing going for years, and I got a good deal (approx £120 travel, accomodation and tickets when we got there) and one friend who was unemployed I paid for. I then had an evening out with friends locally for those that couldn't/didn't want to come. Oh, and it was at a weekend so no leave required for those attending.

But £1k, needing annual leave, and being guilted into it is a very different matter, and totally unreasonable.

Just seen that you have replied! Nothing wrong with your reply just like there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to have it abroad. Of course if they have an issue with your reply then they are being v unreasonable. Deciding to have any kind of party/wedding abroad you know that you’re risking some people not being able to attend and that’s a risk you have to be willing to take.

Honestly, why on earth would you bother keeping someone in your life who you have to walk on eggshells? Who is self absorbed and precious?

Why does anyone bother being friends with people like this?

Who actually enjoys this level of drama!?

@Strawbfields just say No. say you can’t afford it and you’re not happy to put things off for this

Looking forward to hearing how many others drop out now

Not quite the same but I have a friendship group. They were all very much in the £100k a year plus salary bracket and I and another friend simply were not. We used to do a regular night out in London and these were getting increasingly more and more over the top. Think private dining rooms in very expensive hotels, or Moet nights etc. I think one night cost me over £200.00 and I literally had a tiny steak and a side salad plus wine. I stuck my head above the parapet and suggested something much cheaper with prosecco as opposed to champagne for the next time we went out. The response in support of this was amazing.. There were in reality only two out of a group of 8 that wanted these expensive nights out but the rest were not able to say anything. Now things are much more reasonable and I think the last night out pre covid was £50 a head for dinner.

Sometimes it takes one person to point this out which it sounds like what you have done.

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting" - well she can insist all she likes, you don't have to obey. She's not Kim Jong Un, she's not your boss.
Save your money, and your leave, for family holiday/your own wedding/house.
People like her really rip my knitting.

Sorry if this has already been suggested, but just tell them you can't do 6 days so you will join them on day 2 or 3. That's what one of my friends did for her cousin's hen party abroad a few years ago. She genuinely couldn't get the time off work, so just flew on the Thursday & came home with them all a few days later. They were staying in a villa though, so it was a little easier because they didn't have the risk of the hotel being full.

You did great OP!

Now one more thing before it get twisted, message the bride (who i understand isn't on the group chat) so she knows you aren't objecting to the hen do going ahead, just you can't afford it and are unlikely to be able to get the time off so think its best you step aside now and they can plan without you.

Say you'd be happy to arranged a 2nd uk based thing for her.

But get it in now, before she hears you were trying to dictate the trip she could have, or just didn't want to celebrate with her. Its that you can't, and you aren't angry or upset that they are arranging a do you can't afford.

(Be careful its not that the bride said this would be nice if everyone could but would be happy with something in the UK if it meant everyone could go.)

I don't think you're going to be a bridesmaid for much longer. Would it be better to opt out altogether now, before you're pushed?

If they expect you to buy your own gown this is no bad thing.

Bravo OP. Don’t fear the tumble weed that might follow. You are a grown up. And you have control of what you do. Don’t forget that. (Wish we all had a Mother of the Bride who would pay for our holidays!!! )

Well done OP. Hope you get a kind reply.

I'd say this "The Lockdown has given me much time to reflect on what's important in life, times are and have been very hard, with that in mind, one of the things I want do now is to live within my means. I can not afford the sort of money required on what for me would be an over the top frivolous event. I appreciate not everyone will share my point of view so I wish those who can afford the week end a really lovely time. I'd also add that it's unbelievably presumptuous for anyone to stipulate a "no if's no buts" comment not having any knowledge of an invitee's financial situation"

People like her really rip my knitting

New expression for me, love it

It will be interesting to see if any of the others drop out now. I understand how hard it is to be the first or only person to say no, the expectation and peer pressure can be huge, even as a grown adult.

I've been on holidays with friends that have cost over £1000 but we've all agreed on the type of holiday we what and where we want to go.

My hen party will be next year and I wouldn't dream of assuming everyone would be ok to pay £1000! I don't think many people have this kind of money to spend on someone's hen do and its fine to say you can't afford it :-)

I'm with everyone else, its ridiculous. the last year so many have lost their jobs, been furloughed and had to balance the books, expecting people to conjure a grand out of nowhere for a few days hen party is quite frankly living in cloud cuckoo land

Even if I could find that money in my back pocket, a holiday with family would be priority over a hen party

As others have said, its better to say now that you won't be able to make it and hope there will be a party somewhere in UK