Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

"I don't want to"....

Reminded me of this

I think more people need to find their inner Phoebe .

The brides mother is shocking. Think she forgets her daughter is one of 7 billion people on the planet. Love those kinds of people 😂

@Jennylou88

I was in this boat a couple of years ago! tell them you will help organise a uk hen do/spa day for anyone who can't go and opt out now. All you need to say to the bride is that money is tight and you will organise something else special on the run up to her big day! You could even do a spa day for the two of you! X

Yeah that's a good idea. I've been to plenty where people don't want to do over nights etc or older relations weren't up for it so there was a small one organised as well, a meal out or just drinks. Honestly never came across anyone making a big deal over people not being able to go for whatever reason

[quote Strawbfields]**@Nesski* hey, so because 1 of the girls works in a school it has to be during the holidays. The bride wants Marbella or Tenerife and ideally 4 plus so by the time we pay for the holiday itself, we will have meals out to cover, drinks, experiences, themed outfits etc ... [/quote]
Themed outfits?

Oh my god, I'm wondering if I've been invited to the same hen party... Have any of the other hens pulled out, do you know? I had to say I couldn't come...

@SilverGlassHare

Oh my god, I'm wondering if I've been invited to the same hen party... Have any of the other hens pulled out, do you know? I had to say I couldn't come...

There's bound to be more than just OP who won't want to do that for loads of reasons, cost, covid, taking up so much holiday time etc

I didn’t have a hen party because of this rubbish. I also didn’t attend one one one of the ocaddions I was a bridesmaid because it was stupid. They’re too expensive, take a lot of effort and are self indulgent. Weddings are expensive and stressful enough, why do people need holidays etc on top? It’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t go if I were you. The bride gets a day, she doesn’t need a whole week on top. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. She’s a grown adult and isn’t much of a friend if she doesn’t understand.

Gurantee others will drop out as well.

No is a full sentance, just say it

I have NEVER spent £1000 on a holiday and I did a 2 week african safari once... even family holidays come in under £500 and thats for 4 of us.

By comparison I wanted to go abroad for my hen (pre-covid, unlikely to be practical now) and for 2 nights and 1 day abroad including travel, room and activities (but not food/drink as the girls all like and drink different amounts) it worked out £50-£60 pp (depending on numbers), I wouldnt of even dream of asking people to pay hundreds nevermind thousands.

@Hamhockandmash

I didn’t have a hen party because of this rubbish. I also didn’t attend one one one of the ocaddions I was a bridesmaid because it was stupid. They’re too expensive, take a lot of effort and are self indulgent. Weddings are expensive and stressful enough, why do people need holidays etc on top? It’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t go if I were you. The bride gets a day, she doesn’t need a whole week on top. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. She’s a grown adult and isn’t much of a friend if she doesn’t understand.

Totally agree but on that note, there is no obligation to have expensive or stressful weddings either. It never ceases to amaze me how much time, energy and money people willingly devote to something which can so often become a circus not even of their own making when the world and his wife start having their say. Step off the merry-go-round people, things are much calmer on solid ground

@BIWI

I'm sorry, but having given it a lot of thought, I will have to refuse this invitation. It's too much time off work and more money than I want to spend, given my own financial circumstances. I hope you all have lovely time.

This would be my response to. And no debate

If you want a hen party or a wedding abroad, that is fine as long as you pay for all your guests to attend.

OP you did the right thing 🎉

has anyone responded 🌺

Well done. You'll find others pull out too now they will have been waiting for someone brave.

"Because I don't want to " - absolutely love it!

I was about 40 before I dared say that in reply to invites.

It covers everything from not liking the company, the event, the location - everything.

What’s with all these expensive hen parties? Just get a group of friends together for a spa weekend sat/sun - have a lovely little afternoon tea in a posh hotel - that would be perfect for me!

I had a really old fashioned hen night.
It wasn't arranged, it was a last minute thing - had a few friends round my house for a couple of drinks and lots of laughter and silliness.
One had come down to stay for the wedding, another came over to help with something else and 2 others came over and brought fizz with them.
I couldn't drink it because I was a few weeks pregnant but we still all managed to have a great night! (And no hangovers on the day)

Mind, I didn't have any bridesmaids or MOH or any of that either.

@theleafandnotthetree agree. Our wedding was in a local pub on a sunny day. No dressing up fancy and don’t worry about gifts. People expect the world just because they’re getting hitched, it’s insane! My parents did registry office and fish and chips. My grandparents went to their wedding on the local bus. Why does it need to be so extreme all the time?

I had a colleague like this. Almost everyone said no and she was casting her net wider and wider.
In the end she went with her sister and had a UK night out. Stick up for yourself now.

@Strawbfields

Hey everyone, I've had a good chuckle at some of the replies on this thread. You are all a great bunch and you have really made me feel so much better about this whole situation.

I sent a message this morning, below is a word for word copy:

"Hey ladies, I've had a look into the options you've all sent over and I'm afraid I will not be going abroad at the expense you've quoted. My circumstances have changed since last year and without going into great detail, the money spent on the hen could go towards a new boiler for the house we're hoping to buy. Also, due to my shifts, I'd need at least 6 days off and I can't justify missing out on family trips etc after the terrible year we have all had. I really hope you understand, and hope Gemma* will understand too. I will of course be joining you all for any UK based celebrations and look forward to it. Take care and stay safe ladies xx"

• not the brides real name.

So every member of the group chat has read my message and I haven't had a reply. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I initially felt like I was being unreasonable and selfish but this thread has made me realise I'm just a normal girl with normal expenses and I shouldn't have to spend a months salary to show how good a friend I am.

Well done, OP. It's only once you've taken remedial action that you realise what a weight it has been!

@GoodbyeRosie

"Because I don't want to " - absolutely love it!

I was about 40 before I dared say that in reply to invites.

It covers everything from not liking the company, the event, the location - everything.

'It (just) doesnt suit' is another good phrase which covers a multitude of reasons and is perhaps slightly less blunt. But hey, I'm all for 'I don't want to' also.

[quote Hamhockandmash]@theleafandnotthetree agree. Our wedding was in a local pub on a sunny day. No dressing up fancy and don’t worry about gifts. People expect the world just because they’re getting hitched, it’s insane! My parents did registry office and fish and chips. My grandparents went to their wedding on the local bus. Why does it need to be so extreme all the time?[/quote]
Sounds lovely, for you as well as your guests. No pressure, no stress and the focus where it should be. Ive been to hugely extravagant weddings where every detail was planned to the nth degree but where the bride and groom didnt even come over to each table for a brief hello and thanks or where they forgot the most important bit - enjoy yourself and try and make sure everyone else is too.

OP you have got something really important out of this friendship: the chance to practise saying no. Your message was very good. You didn’t need to explain your reasoning with the boiler etc but I fully understand why you did. It gets easier with age, in my experience (I used to be completely unable to say no and still find it tricky). Do you feel the big relief you mentioned? Remember that the next time you need to say no to something. The ‘fallout’ if there is one is totally on the bride and her parents. Hopefully they’ll have enough sense to say fair enough, that’s life and move on.

I wonder what the bride's response would have been if her mum had said, "Well what I'll do is put that £,1000 into the pot so that everyone's contribution is reduced" so that the bride would have to pay her own share?

Shamelessly marking my place on this thread. Well done OP - so glad you were honest and to the point