Hen Party Abroad

[Strawbfields]

Hey,

I am a bridesmaid for a good friend who is absolutely insisting on having a 4/5 night hen party abroad in the summer holidays next year. Like the majority of us, I have been unable to get away with my OH or family due to the pandemic and I'd rather prioritise my family. The cost is looking to be in the region of £1000PP by the time we factor in the holiday cost, spending money and all the added extras that come with hen parties. (The brides DM is covering the brides cost)

I just think with everything that we have all gone through over the last year, it would be far better to hire out a lodge with hot tub etc and have a great time in the UK at a 1/4 of the cost.

It might also be worth mentioning the wedding has been postponed by a year due to the pandemic and a few of the girls circumstances have changed. If the wedding itself was abroad then that would be completely different, but I think it's a bit much just for a hen weekend. AIBU?

Honestly this just makes me cringe!

I am getting married this year, and would never dream of expecting my friends or family to spend that kind of money on my hen do, i'd be embarrassed! We are going to a spa day (which we got a deal on) and out for dinner after, cost to each person is under £100. There is just no need, especially when as you say people haven't had holidays with their own families.

I totally agree with how beyond a joke hen parties have gotten. I honestly couldn't sleep at night if I thought my friends were frantic with worry over how to afford my extravagant hen abroad. I would never put such an expense onto someone.

My dream hen party would be the likes of afternoon tea, or a Chinese meal followed by a shindig at a karaoke bar!

Honestly you've done the other girls a favour. I'd bet good money at least 3 others will have followed suit by the end of this week.

As soon as the ' No ifs or buts' message came through, it should have been one straight back saying ' count me out '.

I think I get as frustrated with the thread starter as much as the situation whenever threads like these appear - which is bloomin often with the number of demanding bridezillas about.

No need for long explanations - just a "sorry, that's too long a trip , it's far too expensive and I don't have the annual leave in any case".

If people fall out with you , then they are worth bothering about anyway.

Well done to you. DH attended a stag in Spain a few years ago...they rented a house for the weekend and had barbecues etc. It cost about €55 per person and flights were about €60. It was a great, inexpensive weekend.
The bride wanted a spa weekend at a 5* spa resort which would have cost all the women about €800 each. I replied that I wasn't going...when they asked why I said "because I don't want to". I had a few messages from others wishing they had the guts to do the same lol.

[quote Strawbfields]@MarieDelaere hey, we have a group chat and when I voiced my concerns (along the lines of "look, I can't take 6 days off work for a hen party when I'm already taking 2 days off for the wedding and I also can't afford to spend £1000 on a jolly abroad because we are in the process of house hunting" I was basically told by the grooms mother that I have a year to save for it, and the bride "desperately wants to go abroad, no ifs or buts" [/quote]
Tough shit. She can go on her own then.

I organised my best friends henny abroad. 3 nights in beautiful apartments in Benidorm. We were about £300 for flights and apartments plus a couple of pre booked and paid activities. This included also paying about £20/30 extra to cover the brides cost. Then we needed spending money so all in maybe £500-600. £1k and a full week holiday is ridiculous.

So glad youve said your piece OP, I wouldn't have gone into nearly so much detail as you but then I have no problem ever making my own little stand against the marriage industrial complex!

Should have said 'wedding' industrial complex, I'm all for marriage!

Good message. Bet everyone is twitching to reply but no one will want to be first!!!

but this thread has made me realise I'm just a normal girl with normal expenses and I shouldn't have to spend a months salary to show how good a friend I am

Indeed.

It will be interesting to see how others respond and whether they agree with you publicly, message you privately or show themselves up to be utterly ridiculous.

Saying it could pay for the new boiler you are hoping for, really cuts the 'no ifs no buts save up' bullshit. It puts it into context. I'm sorry i can't go because im saving for a boiler is hard to argue with. How do you justify the family freezing their tits off so you can go on a jolly to prove your loyalty and worth as a friend? It kind of makes them look out of touch with reality to everyone else so any drama will look terrible.

Silence itself speaks volumes and shows them up as selfish / spineless fuckers.

@Strawbfields well done for finding the courage to say no to the bride!

@magicstar1

Well done to you. DH attended a stag in Spain a few years ago...they rented a house for the weekend and had barbecues etc. It cost about €55 per person and flights were about €60. It was a great, inexpensive weekend. The bride wanted a spa weekend at a 5* spa resort which would have cost all the women about €800 each. I replied that I wasn't going...when they asked why I said "because I don't want to". I had a few messages from others wishing they had the guts to do the same lol.

"Because I don't want to". I love it, simple and inarguable. No one is going to come back and say, but you do want to....If only more people had your attitude and just said no rather than doing the usual passive aggressive thing of a) going along with things they don't want then bitching endlessly about it b) inventing excuses or c) going along with it then pulling out at the last minute which they intended to all along. That last is the worst and makes them nearly as bad as the idiots organising bridepalooza in the first place

That's such a distasteful thing to do in any time but especially in the climate we're in right now.

Thankfully I've never been involved in any demanding brides hen parties, last one I went to was my sister in laws, she wanted a surprise hen but she'd given her bridesmaids a strict budget of what they can ask people to pay, pretty sure it was less than €200 for 2 nights glamping, they provided breakfast for both mornings and dinner on the first night. We had a fantastic weekend

Just say no. Why should you have to spend £1000 on a party for her? If she wants you there she'll pay for you to go herself.

In my group of friends I have some how become the person people ask whether something is reasonable or not because I tell the truth.

I say I’d rather people have a problem with me for who I actually am, than be agreeable and something I’m not.

Similar situation a while back was the ‘chipping in’ for someone’s birthday gift. One of our group suggested an APPLE WATCH. Others were hand wringing about the cost and I just replied, it’s too much, it’s a no from me and bought said person a Wagamama voucher to the value of what I wanted to spend. As an aside they said it was the best present they got 😂

@justwant2beamum

I organised my best friends henny abroad. 3 nights in beautiful apartments in Benidorm. We were about £300 for flights and apartments plus a couple of pre booked and paid activities. This included also paying about £20/30 extra to cover the brides cost. Then we needed spending money so all in maybe £500-600. £1k and a full week holiday is ridiculous.

But to many people that would still be excessive and a lot to ask. I think the point is that hens abroad should probably be only considered where there is a pretty small group of people in very similar circumstances. Even then, people are increasingly aware of the need to curb unnecessary flying or may not like flying or don't want to use up leave for days travelling. Overall I consider them a bit tacky and self-involved and would neither hold one nor attend one. And I would feel no need to fall all over myself explaining why not

@Wingingit101 You have completely missed the point and are making the exact same self absorbed mistake as OP's bridezilla and enablers. A hen party is too expensive if the intended attendees can't afford it comfortably, it doesn't matter how much it actually costs. If someone says they can't afford it it should either be reorganised to be cheaper or that attendee should be allowed to bow out gracefully not questioned and harangued about their personal finances, what is wrong with people?

I had this once but the hen party was in the UK. I just could not afford to go. Very few people understood; lots of "it's only ...".

A friend's wedding was in Rome, she had a lovely time. Shored up by everyone else (including the bridal party) paying for it.

I went to one in Barcelona and at the end of it at the airport (so not even home) the bride to be said that we should have a hen-anniversary each year - you what? As it was the marriage only lasted 18 months ...

But it is so easy to spend someone else's money isn't it?

If it's Marbella or something like that it will be more than £1k. Some friends went to Ibiza and were spending (between them) £2k a night on alcohol alone!

It is just awful to even assume that people can afford this let alone in the middle of a pandemic and going into a recession. Quite rightly, if you can afford a holiday you will be choosing who to go with and spend your money on.

If the mother of the bride and groom are so set on this they can pay for it all can't they?

It astounds me that people actually expect other people to spend this sort of money on someone else's event.
Even if you were part of a super wealthy friendship group, who has the time for this AND thier own actual life stuff they want to do??

Some people utterly lose perspective over a wedding; because it's such a huge event to the bride she assumes it is for everyone..Err No. My wedding was big deal me, yours is just another nice celebration amongst many.

I agree with a poster above as well: these 'event' hen dos are probably less fun then the old letting your hair down night out on the town from years ago, as there is so much stress, pissing people off, demands, expectation and potential for disapointment.

It's an example of how having 'more' in modern life is really not better.

Good luck OP. Be strong. Once you've said it you'll be relieved.

@Strawbfields

Hey everyone, I've had a good chuckle at some of the replies on this thread. You are all a great bunch and you have really made me feel so much better about this whole situation.

I sent a message this morning, below is a word for word copy:

"Hey ladies, I've had a look into the options you've all sent over and I'm afraid I will not be going abroad at the expense you've quoted. My circumstances have changed since last year and without going into great detail, the money spent on the hen could go towards a new boiler for the house we're hoping to buy. Also, due to my shifts, I'd need at least 6 days off and I can't justify missing out on family trips etc after the terrible year we have all had. I really hope you understand, and hope Gemma* will understand too. I will of course be joining you all for any UK based celebrations and look forward to it. Take care and stay safe ladies xx"

• not the brides real name.

So every member of the group chat has read my message and I haven't had a reply. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I initially felt like I was being unreasonable and selfish but this thread has made me realise I'm just a normal girl with normal expenses and I shouldn't have to spend a months salary to show how good a friend I am.

Good for you. No one should be peer pressured into sinking £1k and over a week's worth of annual leave!

I wouldn't do that for a close family member/best friend, let alone someone I normally tiptoed around.

I was in this boat a couple of years ago! tell them you will help organise a uk hen do/spa day for anyone who can't go and opt out now. All you need to say to the bride is that money is tight and you will organise something else special on the run up to her big day! You could even do a spa day for the two of you! X

I hope that at least one person sends you a nice message back, OP. You've been extremely polite and conciliatory.

Good reply OP. I feel like I live in a different world sometimes. Who are all these people going on a £1k+ hen/stag do? I'm not hard up but the hen do's I've been on have been max. £100 (if that) all-in and we've all had a brilliant time. It's supposed to be fun, not a worry.