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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my teen dd being unreasonable or me?

309 replies

Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 17:03

Like many we have delayed our holidays from last year to this, now to next , my ds has been with his gf a while and she has stayed with us in lockdown. He wants her to come on our city break holiday next year for 4 nights, dh assumed he would and are happy to as long as she pays her flight and spending money. We said if she comes dd can take a friend if she chooses. Dd doesnt want the gf to come and wants us to have a family holiday just us and is most upset and not talking to me now, she gets on fine with the gf so i am surprised. I feel really awkward now, am i being unfair bringing the gf, or is dd being unfair? I love family hols but the dynamics can change a bit if another person comes along, cant they?

Also dh and I are going on another seperate holiday abroad (beach hol) with dd as well, again all moved from last year so she has that too.

If i am in the wrong please tell me & i will have to tell the gf she cannot come.

Thank you
dd is 16

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 21:09

Can I add this isn't a pre booked and paid trip, original trip was cancelled and this is a new one , different and not booked yet , we discussed going and. DD requested we go when she is 18.
We aren't booking flights till end of 2021 so will.have a look.at it then , thank you x

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 22/03/2021 21:13

I fully suspect that if you exclude the GF now then DS will choose not to go and not only that will be extremely pissed off with not only his sister but you too. So then your DD won't get a holiday with her DB and neither will you.

Twoforthree · 22/03/2021 21:19

Maybe ds won't want to go without his gf? It's a long time away. They might even have split up by then. Park the whole decision till the last possible moment.

Strawberryfelineforever · 22/03/2021 21:19

So DD already requested the family go when she is 18? And now requesting that it just be the 4 of you? I do appreciate that she might be feeling like it's the last family holiday, but I think I'd have to draw the line somewhere because how many more requests will you have to indulge?

Doona · 22/03/2021 21:21

we discussed going and. DD requested we go when she is 18.

Why did she want to wait until then?

PastaAndPizzaPlease · 22/03/2021 21:25

I feel sorry for your DD. It sounds like she wants a family holiday just the four of you before her and her brother are really grown up and off doing their own thing.

His GF might be lovely and all friends and whatever, but she’s not your DDs family.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 22/03/2021 21:26

She also wanted the other holiday just us and did not want her brother coming....
Head spinning

OP posts:
aintnocoffeebigenough · 22/03/2021 21:28

@Sunflowers095 And on that note DD is being naive if she thinks her brother will be thrilled to spend time with her after the drama of uninviting GF caused by her tantrum. If my partner was uninvited like that I'd probably just not go.

Completely agree. If DD doesn’t want her to come because she wants to have some bonding time with DS then I don’t think his GF not coming will resolve it anyway - DD will have rather pissed him off and he’ll probably spend the holiday thinking about how much better it would have been with his GF there rather than relishing the chance to spend time with his sister.

By the age of 16, almost 17 she should be able to deal with this and still enjoy herself. It’s the sort of way I felt when I was 13/14 about my older brother’s girlfriend always being around. By my mid to late teens I’d realised I needed to get over it.

Tricky one OP Flowers What would DS say if you chatted to him about it? Maybe they could plan some activities to do just the pair of them before the holiday so DD still feels like they’ve had fun together?

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 21:30

@Flowers24

She also wanted the other holiday just us and did not want her brother coming.... Head spinning
She does sound like a dictator and I would not give in but curious to see how some posters will try to justify that..
abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 21:30

@Flowers24 she sounds like a bit of a madam to be honest, she'll probably turn round soon and say she doesn't want to go atall and will be going on holiday with her friends. I wouldn't be dictated to by her for any of it Hmm

velvetstar · 22/03/2021 21:31

I've been your DD in this scenario and it was incredibly tedious. It's not a family holiday for her as she's either the third wheel with two couples or she brings a friend and the dynamics have completely changed. This must especially be the case if she's has to spend lockdown with the gf too.

I don't blame her for being upset. I think seeing how things are at the end of the year is a good idea. A lot could have changed by then for all of you.

CandyLeBonBon · 22/03/2021 21:36

@Flowers24

Can I add this isn't a pre booked and paid trip, original trip was cancelled and this is a new one , different and not booked yet , we discussed going and. DD requested we go when she is 18. We aren't booking flights till end of 2021 so will.have a look.at it then , thank you x
Frankly op, I'd not bother booking anything. Your dd doesn't own anyone and frankly it's a selfish attitude.

Your son is an adult and your dd probably needs to understand that the entire universe doesn't revolve around her,

Honestly, if it's causing this much drama, I would shelve the idea.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 21:37

@Flowers24

She also wanted the other holiday just us and did not want her brother coming.... Head spinning
@sunflowersandbuttercups your thoughts on this?Hmm
ChloeCrocodile · 22/03/2021 21:39

OP I think you were thoughtless in inviting an additional person on holiday without checking if it was okay with those already going. If I were you I’d apologise to DD for the oversight but not rescind the invitation (that would be really rude).

I do feel for DD though, it has changed the dynamics and I wouldn’t want to go if I were her.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:39

[quote abeanbaked]@Flowers24 she sounds like a bit of a madam to be honest, she'll probably turn round soon and say she doesn't want to go atall and will be going on holiday with her friends. I wouldn't be dictated to by her for any of it Hmm[/quote]
You've really got it in for her.

She doesn't sound like a madam at all.

Windinmyhair · 22/03/2021 21:40

I think what your DD needs to learn is the art of compromise - at the moment she wants it all her own way. Maybe she wants one last hurrah of a holiday BUT she needs to accept that her brother is at a stage in his life where he has a partner he wants to bring - this is part of life and growing up. Family grows (and diminishes) but she has to roll with the punches.

For those saying "it isn't a family holiday etc" the DS thinks of his gf as part of the family. We don't always agree with our siblings, but we don't get to dictate to them either.

She is getting a holiday later with just you two - for the other holiday she shouldn't get to dictate terms. sounds like a spoilt child stamping her foot - she feels strongly about it at the time, but can't really articulate why?

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:40

@Flowers24

She also wanted the other holiday just us and did not want her brother coming.... Head spinning
Mm.

Was that as a result of being upset and wanting 1-1 time with you which she is clearly not getting ?

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 21:41

@Flowers24

She also wanted the other holiday just us and did not want her brother coming.... Head spinning
@RootyT00t DD is that you? You wouldn't really put up with this..would you?
CandyLeBonBon · 22/03/2021 21:43

Sorry but mud teens are dreadfully entitled. I'm currently managing 3 of them as a single parent. So no. Whilst she's entitled to have feelings about this, there is already a compromise set up, to her liking. She absolutely does not get to dictate how everyone else exists just so that she has things the way she wants.

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:46

@abeanbaked

I'm not surprised she doesn't want her brother on the other holiday.

Maybe, shock horror, she wants her parents to herself instead of being last on the list. Imagine.

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 21:47

Ah yes @RootyT00t not a madam at all. First saying her brother can't go on a holiday, just her and parents and then driving brothers GF can't come to the other holiday.

Totally normal, non-selfish behaviour. Please Hmm

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 21:47

@CandyLeBonBon

Sorry but mud teens are dreadfully entitled. I'm currently managing 3 of them as a single parent. So no. Whilst she's entitled to have feelings about this, there is already a compromise set up, to her liking. She absolutely does not get to dictate how everyone else exists just so that she has things the way she wants.
What's the compromise?
WisnaeMe · 22/03/2021 21:47

@Flowers24

what reasons is your DD giving for asking this ? 🌺

Sunflowers095 · 22/03/2021 21:48

[quote RootyT00t]@abeanbaked

I'm not surprised she doesn't want her brother on the other holiday.

Maybe, shock horror, she wants her parents to herself instead of being last on the list. Imagine.[/quote]
You really think this is normal? One persons wants dictating everything? You think it's a normal family dynamics for one child to decide how and when the parents spend time with the other child... No one who had a non dysfunctional upbringing would say this is ok or normal.

abeanbaked · 22/03/2021 21:48

@RootyT00t yes DD, that is definitely you Wink

In all seriousness though, please don't bow to a 16 year old like this, not only is it bloody ridiculous but you're not teaching them much for going into adulthood with.