MIL priority is her

[SunshineOnLeith2018]

In Scotland travel restrictions are lifted in 26th April. Yesterday my MIL told me and my 4 year old that she is off work that week and going on holiday that week with her friend. As she doesn't drive she is taking the bus. A bus that goes through our home town. The home town she has said to us many times is too far away.

I asked if they would stop on the way there to see their granddaughter and maybe go to the park but was told that she will "need to look into it" and might be "hard because of luggage". My DD hasn't seen her since Aug last year.

AIBU to think that she could have jumped at the chance to stop in our town given the bus goes through it! I could put her luggage in my house/car while they go to the park. And AIBU to be upset that instead of using a week off to visit us she had gone away with her friend? I know we are all longing to go on holiday but my DH hasn't seen her since Aug and I've not seen my parents because they live abroad for a very long time

You're entitled to feel upset, but she's entitled to make her own choices. This is one of those "let it go" situations because her decision has already been made.

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe she has seized this opportunity as her friend is available then too? If she's single, it's not always easy to find a travel partner.

Also, what kind of bus is it? Can she just hop on and off?

I couldn’t get that wound up about this.

Yabu

YABU although I don’t blame you for feeling it.

You're not being unreasonable to be a little upset but that's her choice. Perhaps she just doesn't really want to spend time with her granddaughter and would prefer just to go on holiday.

As lockdown lifts we are all going to have different priorities as to what we want to do first. I think it's selfish of you to expect someone else to make you theirs.

I can't imagine having a 4 year old granddaughter and giving up a chance of seeing her even if it meant some inconvenience to me.

yanbu to feel upset about this, I've had similar situations with my own DM so I know how it hurts.

However there's nothing you can do about it. It's her choice to make and all you can do is accept it and do your best to not let it effect you. I know this is much easier said than done.

In my situation my DM doesn't have time to visit my kids but spends all her spare time with my DNiece. It results hurts, but there's nothing I can do.

I dont think its as easy as "just stopping". I dont think her friend will be keen on stopping and how many buses can there be realistically? You are best off inviting her for a long weekend later in the year when this is hopefully allowed. If she uses the too far card, you can then use this trip as leverage

My PIL haven't seen my kids since Christmas day 2019. They live 8 miles away. There is obviously a lot more going on, but the biggest issue for us is that they clearly don't care about seeing their grandchildren. We can't and wouldn't try to change how they feel/behave. You're definitely allowed to be upset but unfortunately there's not alot you can do...some people have different priorities.

*really hurts

RothRoth
Thats the kind of grandparent I intend to be.

Honestly? I'm probably a similar age to your mother-in-law. If I had the chance of a holiday with a friend next month, there's no way I'd be choosing a family visit instead. And it's only a few months since you saw her, anyway.

Thanks everyone. General consensus is I am being unreasonable. I just thought given the bus goes via my town and her pal is in the next town and she can't check in to her hotel until after 3pm she could have stopped. There's a bus every 30 mins. But maybe I'm expecting too much. Thanks everyone 😊

I'd be really annoyed OP.

But MIL I'd entitled to do what she wants. On the face of it though, I'd find it quite hurtful

It's not so much that you're being unreasonable, it's just a matter of there's nothing you can do about it. Your MIL clearly has different priorities.

Hmm, dunno. I hate when I’ve made plans and then a third party wants me to combine it with something else. I can see why you’re hurt that your daughter isn’t her priority though.

Don't ever go out of your way for her.

Have you suggested she might drop in on the return journey?

@SunshineOnLeith2018

Thanks everyone. General consensus is I am being unreasonable. I just thought given the bus goes via my town and her pal is in the next town and she can't check in to her hotel until after 3pm she could have stopped. There's a bus every 30 mins. But maybe I'm expecting too much. Thanks everyone 😊

Gosh I don't think you are expecting too much at all OP and I would be hurt on my child and husbands behalf if not on my own as its not my own mother. Of course there is nothing you can do, even if you or your husband shared your thoughts you'd feel like you'd guilted her into it. What you want is for her to WANT to make time and a bit of effort for her family. I totally get you

Drip drip. Considering her stop is in the next town why don't you suggest going there one day to see her? That way it's easier for her without her luggage and she won't have to break her journey. You are tbe one who wants to meet so you should be tbe one to inconvenience yourself.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My parents and PIL don’t behave how I want to be with my grandchildren at all. In counselling they have always said you can’t control someone else and what you deem to be acceptable might not be for someone else.

I would be hurt and upset but I’ve learnt over time not hold them to the values I have for myself.

She’s putting herself herself so honestly I would do the same for you. Don’t go out of your way for her and focus on your family.

Do you mean a coach journey with scheduled stops, i.e lunch in your town? I’d think that would be very tight for time.

I understand that you feel she is disinterested in seeing DH and DGD, but it is her choice, and if when DGD has no interest in seeing her as a result, that will be DGD’s prerogative.

I think your'e perfectly entitled to feel a bit upset by this. But it's your MIL, not your mother, so I wouldn't be hurt and I would absolutely leave it up to your DP to manage. Also, people like this must understand that there's therefore no reason for you to make any effort for her either if it's the other way down the line. And again, I hope your DP isn't one of those people who expect you to bend over backwards to accommodate her once things go back to normal.