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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL priority is her

138 replies

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 12:35

In Scotland travel restrictions are lifted in 26th April. Yesterday my MIL told me and my 4 year old that she is off work that week and going on holiday that week with her friend. As she doesn't drive she is taking the bus. A bus that goes through our home town. The home town she has said to us many times is too far away.

I asked if they would stop on the way there to see their granddaughter and maybe go to the park but was told that she will "need to look into it" and might be "hard because of luggage". My DD hasn't seen her since Aug last year.

AIBU to think that she could have jumped at the chance to stop in our town given the bus goes through it! I could put her luggage in my house/car while they go to the park. And AIBU to be upset that instead of using a week off to visit us she had gone away with her friend? I know we are all longing to go on holiday but my DH hasn't seen her since Aug and I've not seen my parents because they live abroad for a very long time

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/03/2021 17:07

@notacooldad

Hmm, dunno. I hate when I’ve made plans and then a third party wants me to combine it with something else This.

There will be plenty of opportunities soon to see each other on a more relaxed basis.
Personally I wouldn't want to be be faffing with going to a park with luggage and busses and if I had someone else with me. I'd prefer to concentrate on the plan in hand and then make plans to see you and dd on a separate occasion.

100% that. Fitting in another person/visit when you're travelling to a holiday has always been a complete pain in the neck and stressy, however much I've wanted to see them. I just don't do it any more.

This friend is clearly available and they've jumped at the chance. You don't know what restrictions the friend is under. And of course, once things have opened up, your MIL can visit you in a far more relaxed way, and for longer.

It will be a much nicer visit when she can actually focus on you and her GC, rather than worrying about the next stage of the journey.

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2021 17:29

@MiddleParking

Hmm, dunno. I hate when I’ve made plans and then a third party wants me to combine it with something else. I can see why you’re hurt that your daughter isn’t her priority though.
Yes, I have a friend who gets on everyone's wick and is frequently told off by her husband because EVERY trip has to involve a visit to everyone in a twenty mile radius of the peraqho arranged the first meet up.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice that she maintains strong friendships, but at the same time it's exhausting - and I mean that literally. I know that a meet up with her is going to involve a ridiculously contorted schedule that will be way more knackering than it needs to be.

Far nicer to devote different trips to different people.

theleafandnotthetree · 22/03/2021 17:43

@thecatsthecats. I don't think I'd put making a very small effort to meet up with your grandaughter and son who you hadn't met in many months in the same category as meeting Barry you went to college with 30 years ago and Linda, your second cousin once removed. These aren't randomers, they are kinda sorta meant to be the old 'nearest and dearest'.

EuroTrashed · 22/03/2021 17:51

I would be relieved at the clear message on her list of priorities (& therefore your own reciprocal priorities) however I would be deeply hurt for my child. My own MIL is similar and I feel my children have missed the close relationship I had with my own GPs.

GoldenOmber · 22/03/2021 18:08

She has every right to act like she can’t really be bothered to see her grandchild, and you have every right to conclude that she can’t really be bothered to see her grandchild, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Lollypop701 · 22/03/2021 18:50

Sounds like MIL likes you to run around after her... the walking on eggshells comment isn’t a good description of a healthy relationship. I’d suggest it and leave it there. the fact she is stopping off to shop makes me think she wants to see you, hadn’t thought about it till you mentioned it and is trying to see you . But doesn’t want you to expect her to do it again!

jessstan2 · 22/03/2021 18:59

@SunshineOnLeith2018

I seem to have come across as heartless at not offering to take her by car abs send her back in a bus. Given that she was taking the bus and a healthy 60 year old still at work I thought that would be alright. Anyway she has text me to say she will stop because she would like to do some shopping in Livingston.
Aw, that's nice. So all is well that ends well.
SnackSizeRaisin · 22/03/2021 19:29

I don't really understand the problem. You live pretty close, she's only going away for 3 days. Why don't you just see her the weekend after? I don't think you should expect her granddaughter to be her number one priority, however much she loves her. A trip away with a close adult friend she hasn't seen for ages may well be pretty appealing.
After lockdown ends I would of course expect to catch up with family over the next few weeks - but I wouldn't expect see them on the very first day it was allowed, nor be offended if they saw someone else on that day.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/03/2021 19:47

I honestly couldn't care less about my mil doing something like this. Not because I don't like her or anything, just because I wouldn't be bothering facilitating or trying to push a relationship that she's clearly not that bothered about. It wouldn't upset me either.

MyPantsAreInsideOut · 22/03/2021 20:01

I am saying this as a life long non car owner and bus traveller.

The sheer number of my relatives that have made snarky comments about "you never come to visit", when they are bloody car owners is astounding.

No concept of what takes them fifteen minutes in a car can take me two hours on buses.

A lot of car owners, even ones who previously rode the bus themselves, show zero understanding of the absolute fucking ball ache of bus travel.

Bus- You have to schlep to the bus stop.
Car- Go outside, beep beep, throw bags in back, get in.

Bus- Wait ages for a bus that's either full, late, or doesn't show up at all. Then there's the daydreaming drivers who fail to see you and don't stop at all.
Car- Turn key, check your mirrors, drive off.

Bus- Go on an hour+ long magical mystery tour of local housing estates, industrial estates, hospitals, shopping centres and open countryside because the bus companies have lengthened routes to preposterous levels to save costs and maximise profits. Traffic jams very likely and unavoidable.
Car- Drive for a short while on the most direct route you know, of your own choosing. Traffic jams avoidable with apps, local radio etc.

Bus- Finally reach somewhere a fair distance from where you need to go, get off and walk anything up to half an hour to get there, possibly dragging luggage up and down lumpy gutters and pavements.
Car- Arrive outside destination, walk a few feet, bang, there you are. Luggage is waiting in the car.

You think your MIL is an (insert negative here) for not wanting to go through that more than once in order to spend one hour in the park with your four yrear old daughter.

She can put her luggage in my car for a bit before she has to take it out and lug it back to the bus stop you say. How very generous of you.

MyPantsAreInsideOut · 22/03/2021 20:05

Just to be clear, my car owning relatives NEVER visit me at all.

Cokie3 · 22/03/2021 21:01

@MyPantsAreInsideOut

I am saying this as a life long non car owner and bus traveller.

The sheer number of my relatives that have made snarky comments about "you never come to visit", when they are bloody car owners is astounding.

No concept of what takes them fifteen minutes in a car can take me two hours on buses.

A lot of car owners, even ones who previously rode the bus themselves, show zero understanding of the absolute fucking ball ache of bus travel.

Bus- You have to schlep to the bus stop.
Car- Go outside, beep beep, throw bags in back, get in.

Bus- Wait ages for a bus that's either full, late, or doesn't show up at all. Then there's the daydreaming drivers who fail to see you and don't stop at all.
Car- Turn key, check your mirrors, drive off.

Bus- Go on an hour+ long magical mystery tour of local housing estates, industrial estates, hospitals, shopping centres and open countryside because the bus companies have lengthened routes to preposterous levels to save costs and maximise profits. Traffic jams very likely and unavoidable.
Car- Drive for a short while on the most direct route you know, of your own choosing. Traffic jams avoidable with apps, local radio etc.

Bus- Finally reach somewhere a fair distance from where you need to go, get off and walk anything up to half an hour to get there, possibly dragging luggage up and down lumpy gutters and pavements.
Car- Arrive outside destination, walk a few feet, bang, there you are. Luggage is waiting in the car.

You think your MIL is an (insert negative here) for not wanting to go through that more than once in order to spend one hour in the park with your four yrear old daughter.

She can put her luggage in my car for a bit before she has to take it out and lug it back to the bus stop you say. How very generous of you.

@MyPantsAreInsideOut If travelling by bus is that much of a hassle and ball ache, why not get your licence and get a car? Barring medical conditions that prevent you from legally driving, then all the more incentive and reason for you to stop being a 'life long' bus user if it's that much trouble!
Youseethethingis · 22/03/2021 21:13

@MyPantsAreInsideOut
You are showing zero understanding of the fucking ballache of being a driver who is always expected to be the one to do the leg work in your apparently free car which runs on fresh air and doesn’t require any mental or physical input from you Hmm

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