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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL priority is her

138 replies

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 12:35

In Scotland travel restrictions are lifted in 26th April. Yesterday my MIL told me and my 4 year old that she is off work that week and going on holiday that week with her friend. As she doesn't drive she is taking the bus. A bus that goes through our home town. The home town she has said to us many times is too far away.

I asked if they would stop on the way there to see their granddaughter and maybe go to the park but was told that she will "need to look into it" and might be "hard because of luggage". My DD hasn't seen her since Aug last year.

AIBU to think that she could have jumped at the chance to stop in our town given the bus goes through it! I could put her luggage in my house/car while they go to the park. And AIBU to be upset that instead of using a week off to visit us she had gone away with her friend? I know we are all longing to go on holiday but my DH hasn't seen her since Aug and I've not seen my parents because they live abroad for a very long time

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 22/03/2021 14:43

@Cassilis

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe she has seized this opportunity as her friend is available then too? If she's single, it's not always easy to find a travel partner.

Also, what kind of bus is it? Can she just hop on and off?

Going on a long 'bus/coach trip for a holiday is quite different to visiting someone out of the area.

You'll see her sooner or later.

Cokie3 · 22/03/2021 14:45

No YANBU but it sounds like your MIL is very self-absorbed anyway and your DH has a difficult relationship with her. I would simply mention that DH is hurt she doesn't want to see him or her own granddaughter and see what her response is. Then maybe suggest you drive her the rest of the way.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 22/03/2021 14:45

Lolol... this is mental..

She has a 4 year old GD she hasn't seen in months, is going on a bus through there, and won't stop to see her??? Dear God.

I get that no one on MN is "entitled" to feel anything other than complete indifference to other people's choices, but it would definitely clarify for me where I stand in her pecking order.

MirandaWestsNewBFF · 22/03/2021 14:48

YANBU to be upset. My dad is like this and I’ve had to accept that he won’t change. As marvelwife has said, she’s putting herself first, you put your little family unit first. X

ancientgran · 22/03/2021 14:49

@cheeseismydownfall

Our PIL once cancelled a visit to us (3 hour drive) because it would be 'too tiring'. We were totally sympathetic - they were in their seventies - and instead did the drive ( with three under 5s at the time) to see then instead.

Just weeks later we discovered they had booked a long haul flight to a developing country to see DH's brother and his family. There were several similar incidents over the years.

I never said anything, but it changed how I felt about them, and to be honest I make a lot less effort with MIL than before this happened. I think you reap what you sow.

Bit different unless one of them was the pilot. Being a passenger on a plane is different to doing a 3 hr drive.
Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:53

I seem to have come across as heartless at not offering to take her by car abs send her back in a bus. Given that she was taking the bus and a healthy 60 year old still at work I thought that would be alright. Anyway she has text me to say she will stop because she would like to do some shopping in Livingston.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/03/2021 15:00

Oh well as long as it’s not JUST to see her 4 yo GD that’s fine then! Hmm

1forAll74 · 22/03/2021 15:06

It's her own personal holiday and getaway,so you can't expect her to change her plans, even though you think she should,

Furrybootsyecomfy · 22/03/2021 15:19

Livi is pretty much equidistant between Edinburgh and Glasgow.

And does the bus stop there now? It used to just stop in Harthill.

From what I can tell, YABU. Maybe she wants to wait a little and spend some proper time with her GD, in somewhere better than a bus station adjacent park. Maybe she’s secretly a bit hurt that you or her son won’t take a day off and bring her GD to the zoo in Costorphine? Maybe her friend is going through a really difficult time and while your MIL is desperate to see your daughter, she knows a four year old probably won’t be that bothered by another week.
I’m sorry OP, but I think you are misrepresenting the distances involved in this story- it’s not like she’s coming from hours away and won’t get another chance for years.

jellybellybanana · 22/03/2021 15:20

Bit different unless one of them was the pilot. Being a passenger on a plane is different to doing a 3 hr drive

Yes, it is different, in that it is much harder.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 22/03/2021 15:23

I’d feel a little hurt too but that’s her decision. In relationships, I tend to treat people how they treat me. In future when she needs a favour or wants you to go out of your way, then don’t.

tenlittlecygnets · 22/03/2021 15:24

There are some really odd messages on here.

If op's MIL hasn't seen her GD for 7 months, then she should be chomping at the bit to see her - it shouldn't be too tricky for MIL to take the bus to see her GD or to break her journey, or to visit on the way back from holiday. But for some reason it seems that she doesn't want to.

OP, YANBU. I can see why this is hurtful. (Expecting a GM to want to see her GC? Preposterous!) but there's not much you can do about it, sadly.

Furrybootsyecomfy · 22/03/2021 15:26

Op, I owe you an apology. I used to get this bus all the time and checked out of sheer nosiness. I can see it does stop in Deer Park now though!

speakout · 22/03/2021 15:29

I have low expectations of my relatives- and I am never disappointed.

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 15:30

@Furrybootsyecomfy

Op, I owe you an apology. I used to get this bus all the time and checked out of sheer nosiness. I can see it does stop in Deer Park now though!
Smile that's where we live
OP posts:
jellybellybanana · 22/03/2021 15:30

The title of the thread is "MIL's priority is her". And? Why shouldn't it be? I am willing to bet no-one else has her has number one priority, why shouldn't she put herself first?

Cassilis · 22/03/2021 15:32

@tenlittlecygnets

There are some really odd messages on here.

If op's MIL hasn't seen her GD for 7 months, then she should be chomping at the bit to see her - it shouldn't be too tricky for MIL to take the bus to see her GD or to break her journey, or to visit on the way back from holiday. But for some reason it seems that she doesn't want to.

OP, YANBU. I can see why this is hurtful. (Expecting a GM to want to see her GC? Preposterous!) but there's not much you can do about it, sadly.

But it's not just MIL it's her friend too. Maybe MIL thinks it's rude to make friend interrupt the journey too.
Lbnc2021 · 22/03/2021 15:37

My exmil lives 400 miles away from where I used to live with exhusband. I had given birth to twins 5 months previously when she went to visit her daughter for the week 5 miles away and hummed and hawed about coming to meet her new grandchildren. I even offered to pick her up. Then told her to forget it if it was too much hassle despite her plastering all over social media what a doting grandmother she was. Mind you the whole family were halfwits.

Cokie3 · 22/03/2021 15:54

@Cassilis Friend isn't going with her on the bus. She is going to her friend's house. Surely the MIL can spend an hour at least with her granddaughter, since buses go every 30 minutes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2021 15:57

@jellybellybanana

Bit different unless one of them was the pilot. Being a passenger on a plane is different to doing a 3 hr drive

Yes, it is different, in that it is much harder.

Disabled and chronically ill here. Not for me. Far easier to be wheeled around in a chair at the airport and sit on a plane. Dh does the drive to and from the airport. Admittedly it’s tiring and I wouldn’t go somewhere with a very long flight or very different time zone. But it’s unfair to presume someone, who can take a flight can drive for 3 hours.
Julieandthejets · 22/03/2021 16:05

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. It shows where her priorities lie. Unless this is just a one off and she is generally involved in your wee girl’s life. Honestly only on mumsnet do all obligations to your children and grandchildren cease when they are 18 years old and any sort of support or relationship is apparently expecting too much 🙄

MegaClutterSlut · 22/03/2021 16:06

Yanbu. I wouldn't try and force a relationship between them when she doesn't give a shit. My dad is the same with my children. They may see him twice a year if they're lucky. Its their loss Smile

Easterbunnygettingready · 22/03/2021 16:11

So...
Holiday
Shopping
Dgd
Lovely lady...

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/03/2021 16:18

I dont think you've been U, I think you've been quite accommodating and there's nothing wrong with making the suggestion to her and trying to find ways of meeting up with GD, its a suggestion is all it is. I can understand that you feel she ought to meet you halfway (Pun intended).

She didn't seem to appreciate this much and that must sting but I see from your last post that she wants to stop now.

I'd be a bit miffed that shopping is the swing factor but I think you probably need to accept that is her and not expect too much from her in future so that you are not disappointed. She's the one that is missing out on your lovely DD

Osirus · 22/03/2021 16:40

@SunshineOnLeith2018

Thanks everyone. General consensus is I am being unreasonable. I just thought given the bus goes via my town and her pal is in the next town and she can't check in to her hotel until after 3pm she could have stopped. There's a bus every 30 mins. But maybe I'm expecting too much. Thanks everyone 😊
You should have given this info in your OP, you would have had more YANBU.

I was all set to say YABU, but as you have since added this info I would say they could definitely have stopped.

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