MIL priority is her

[SunshineOnLeith2018]

In Scotland travel restrictions are lifted in 26th April. Yesterday my MIL told me and my 4 year old that she is off work that week and going on holiday that week with her friend. As she doesn't drive she is taking the bus. A bus that goes through our home town. The home town she has said to us many times is too far away.

I asked if they would stop on the way there to see their granddaughter and maybe go to the park but was told that she will "need to look into it" and might be "hard because of luggage". My DD hasn't seen her since Aug last year.

AIBU to think that she could have jumped at the chance to stop in our town given the bus goes through it! I could put her luggage in my house/car while they go to the park. And AIBU to be upset that instead of using a week off to visit us she had gone away with her friend? I know we are all longing to go on holiday but my DH hasn't seen her since Aug and I've not seen my parents because they live abroad for a very long time

Thanks again. Just if anyone knows the geography she is in Glasgow and going on holiday to Edinburgh. We are in Livingston. She chooses to take the bus because it's free. There are busses every 30 minutes from Glasgow to Edinburgh that stop in Livingston 😊

Our PIL once cancelled a visit to us (3 hour drive) because it would be 'too tiring'. We were totally sympathetic - they were in their seventies - and instead did the drive ( with three under 5s at the time) to see then instead.

Just weeks later we discovered they had booked a long haul flight to a developing country to see DH's brother and his family. There were several similar incidents over the years.

I never said anything, but it changed how I felt about them, and to be honest I make a lot less effort with MIL than before this happened. I think you reap what you sow.

My parents make weird decisions that I wouldn't make and it drives me insane but you have to just go with it, its their life. If it were me and I lived as close as you have described I'd be with my granddaughter at a minimum once a week because if want to have a relationship with her but some people are interested in being grandparents in name only. It will bite her back when she's older and your daughter has no interest in her gran, children are pretty observant at which adult is going out of their way to spend time with them.

Hmm, dunno. I hate when I’ve made plans and then a third party wants me to combine it with something else
This.

There will be plenty of opportunities soon to see each other on a more relaxed basis.
Personally I wouldn't want to be be faffing with going to a park with luggage and busses and if I had someone else with me. I'd prefer to concentrate on the plan in hand and then make plans to see you and dd on a separate occasion.

YANBU to be upset about this.

MN has a thing about grandparents being able to do what they want and not obligated to show any interest in their grandkids. Yes, fine, that's true, but it's pretty shitty of them imo.

I'd be upset too and I sympathise with you, but sadly, as others have said, it's her choice and you can't change the way she is.

Hopefully your daughter will be ok x

I’ve had similar with my MIL - another Glasgow granny as it happens.
I’m hurt on my sons behalf but personally I couldn’t care if I never see her face again. He won’t remember her. Her loss.

Yeah. Just give up now.

With us, as soon as the road map was laid out:

Grandparent 1 - calls up "when can I have the kids", "when can I babysit", "when can I visit you"
Grandparent 2 - "well it would be nice if you visited us once restrictions are lifted but we are off to x this weekend, and y the following weekend and then all being well to Spain for 3 months so we can do Wednesday 22nd between 9.30 and 11"..."but we don't get to see the kids"..."why does (grandparent 1)" do so much more with the kids, don't you trust us".

I've given up.

@notacooldad

Hmm, dunno. I hate when I’ve made plans and then a third party wants me to combine it with something else This.

There will be plenty of opportunities soon to see each other on a more relaxed basis.
Personally I wouldn't want to be be faffing with going to a park with luggage and busses and if I had someone else with me. I'd prefer to concentrate on the plan in hand and then make plans to see you and dd on a separate occasion.

I can put her luggage in the boot of my car. She gets off the bus and we go to a play park. Then she gets back on a bus.

Maybe MIL's friend wouldn't be thrilled at breaking the journey to go and play in the park with a 4 year old?

Come Xmas when she expects an invite you will not have time for her
. What an awful dgm....

@Wingedharpy

Maybe MIL's friend wouldn't be thrilled at breaking the journey to go and play in the park with a 4 year old?

Thanks. Her friend lives closer to Edinburgh than what I do. The 4 year old is her granddaughter.

I can put her luggage in the boot of my car. She gets off the bus and we go to a play park. Then she gets back on a bus.
Or you could drive her over for the remainder of the trip? Would that work? She's not clock watching then for the next bus.

I wasn't sure if she was going to meet her friend or that the friend was travelling with her.
If her friend is with her I would say leave it this time and catch up soon. I would be annoyed if I was the friend having to break off a journey to go to a park for some one else's kid. Especially as we don't know what the weather is going to be like kn that day.

Perhaps she dosent want to break her bus journey. If the bus is so convenient then why don't you hop on a few days later to see her at her convenience? I already asked this once but you have ignored this. I don't blame her personally you are coming across as very entitled.

My parents make a huge effort with DD and always have FIL doesn't.

They all have the relationships with her they deserve. Now she's older and more fun it becomes marked.

@cheeseismydownfall

Our PIL once cancelled a visit to us (3 hour drive) because it would be 'too tiring'. We were totally sympathetic - they were in their seventies - and instead did the drive ( with three under 5s at the time) to see then instead.

Just weeks later we discovered they had booked a long haul flight to a developing country to see DH's brother and his family. There were several similar incidents over the years.

I never said anything, but it changed how I felt about them, and to be honest I make a lot less effort with MIL than before this happened. I think you reap what you sow.

I have an ex friend like this. She made a big hoo haa about coming to visit me which involved 2 trains. Changing in London but arriving and leaving from St Pancras. She blew me out last minute because she said her boyfriend didnt like the idea of her travelling all that way by herself.

They then went on holiday a few months later and he decided to stay on. So she flew back from Tokyo alone 🙄

@Plumbear2

Perhaps she dosent want to break her bus journey. If the bus is so convenient then why don't you hop on a few days later to see her at her convenience? I already asked this once but you have ignored this. I don't blame her personally you are coming across as very entitled.

I think OP is making the frankly insane and entitled assumption that a GP wants to see their GC. Shocking, I know.

YABU

She is entitled to holiday with who she wants - most people would choose a week with a friend over a visit to family. If she's holidaying w her friend then stopping in the town for lunch with you may be hard to manage.

I get that you'd like her to be keen to see you, but it's unreasonable to be sniffy about her taking a holiday after such a year. Is she generally disinterested? - I don't understand why this has got your back up.

Yabu to assume that everybody has the same priorities as you but it's understandable that you might hope she'd see your dd so I mean it kindly.
Just be grateful that your dd is young enough to not know what's going on with regards to restrictions being lifted.

I would be pissed too.
Selfish I think.

Why would you make her get back on the bus?! That could well be awkward with luggage. Although you live so close that you could just visit her the following week.

Why not take a trip to see her? Glasgow to Livingston isn’t that far. The bus works two ways I think if you don’t drive. It’s only a week, lock down should be released for much longer. It’s not like a one off opportunity.

@katy1213

Honestly? I'm probably a similar age to your mother-in-law. If I had the chance of a holiday with a friend next month, there's no way I'd be choosing a family visit instead. And it's only a few months since you saw her, anyway.

How is Aug to April a few months?? And given the chance, why wouldn't you do both? Mil would never go away without popping to see the kids before she went and all ops has to do is literally get off the bus, spend an hour with them and get back on. Op and her DH will help with her luggage.

I'm just grateful I have a Mil who loves her grandkids

@partyatthepalace

YABU

She is entitled to holiday with who she wants - most people would choose a week with a friend over a visit to family. If she's holidaying w her friend then stopping in the town for lunch with you may be hard to manage.

I get that you'd like her to be keen to see you, but it's unreasonable to be sniffy about her taking a holiday after such a year. Is she generally disinterested? - I don't understand why this has got your back up.

I don't care that she's going on holiday. I just asked if she would stop to see her granddaughter as it's on the way and she can't check in until after 3pm

Why is the MILESTONE selfish? The OP wants the visit. I'd she really wants it that much she would hop on a bus herself to the next town to see her during her visit or even drive. Why shoUldale be MIL disrupt her journey to appease the OPS demand when there's a completely easy alternative?

If you’re able to drive, why not go see her another time instead of expecting her to get the bus to yours? She should prioritise herself if you can’t even be arsed to make a car journey to see her but expect her to get how many buses to yours?