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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL priority is her

138 replies

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 12:35

In Scotland travel restrictions are lifted in 26th April. Yesterday my MIL told me and my 4 year old that she is off work that week and going on holiday that week with her friend. As she doesn't drive she is taking the bus. A bus that goes through our home town. The home town she has said to us many times is too far away.

I asked if they would stop on the way there to see their granddaughter and maybe go to the park but was told that she will "need to look into it" and might be "hard because of luggage". My DD hasn't seen her since Aug last year.

AIBU to think that she could have jumped at the chance to stop in our town given the bus goes through it! I could put her luggage in my house/car while they go to the park. And AIBU to be upset that instead of using a week off to visit us she had gone away with her friend? I know we are all longing to go on holiday but my DH hasn't seen her since Aug and I've not seen my parents because they live abroad for a very long time

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 13:43

@Plumbear2

Perhaps she dosent want to break her bus journey. If the bus is so convenient then why don't you hop on a few days later to see her at her convenience? I already asked this once but you have ignored this. I don't blame her personally you are coming across as very entitled.

You think op should crash her MILs holiday??

Original poster

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 13:43

@Bluntness100

Why not take a trip to see her? Glasgow to Livingston isn’t that far. The bus works two ways I think if you don’t drive. It’s only a week, lock down should be released for much longer. It’s not like a one off opportunity.

For sure we can do this in the weeks that follow. Travel restrictions are lifted the day she goes 😊

OP posts:

notacooldad · 22/03/2021 13:44

I think the Mil is getting a hard time tbh. (I'm not a mil or grandmother)
I despise making plans and some one says ' oh you can just...' or 'why don't you do this ....' when you have already have a clear idea on what you are doing.
Now restrictions in your area are lifted you can make proper plans rather than a grabbed half hour in the park once she has had her break.
I don't think she is selfish or a bad grand parent going from the information in this scenario.

Original poster

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 13:45

@CatsHairEverywhere

If you’re able to drive, why not go see her another time instead of expecting her to get the bus to yours? She should prioritise herself if you can’t even be arsed to make a car journey to see her but expect her to get how many buses to yours?

We can't until travel restrictions are lifted. And they are lifted on the day she goes on holiday via my town. Of course when we are allowed we will go. I just simply thought given it was on the way it would be possible but I seem to be asking too much

OP posts:

HotCrossBumsticks · 22/03/2021 13:46

Edinburgh from Glasgow is not going on holiday. And if you're half an hour away, surely you can meet up at any time while she's there for a week?
I don't see why this has to be such a drama

Plumbear2 · 22/03/2021 13:47

No she shouldn't crash the mils holiday. But if seeing her is so important she should at least be prepared to make tne suggestion that she drives to see MIL on another day. Why should the MIl disrupt her journey just because OP is having a hissy fit?

Original poster

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 13:48

@Plumbear2

Please don't be nasty. There's no need

OP posts:

EileenGC · 22/03/2021 13:49

As lockdown lifts we are all going to have different priorities as to what we want to do first. I think it's selfish of you to expect someone else to make you theirs.

This. I love my mum more than anything but she already knows the first person I’m seeing when this is over is my best friend.

Although I can also see why you’d be upset. However, I have never once in my life received a phone call from my grandma (she’s healthy and knows how to dial - we’re just not close), I haven’t seen her in 3 years and have no plans to do so soon, so I don’t really know what it’s like to have a relationship with a DGP. I’m guessing you’re more upset than your DD, who’s little and can’t get too upset about this.

Plumbear2 · 22/03/2021 13:50

That's no need to completely ignore my valid suggestions either. Why don't you drive to see her instead of assuming MIL should be happy to disrupt her journey?

StellaKowalski · 22/03/2021 13:51

@notacooldad

I think the Mil is getting a hard time tbh. (I'm not a mil or grandmother) I despise making plans and some one says ' oh you can just...' or 'why don't you do this ....' when you have already have a clear idea on what you are doing. Now restrictions in your area are lifted you can make proper plans rather than a grabbed half hour in the park once she has had her break. I don't think she is selfish or a bad grand parent going from the information in this scenario.

This.

Just wait to plan something when she's back. I mean really, what's the drama?

Original poster

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 13:52

@Plumbear2

That's no need to completely ignore my valid suggestions either. Why don't you drive to see her instead of assuming MIL should be happy to disrupt her journey?

I will when travel restrictions are lifted. They are lifted on the day she is travelling via my town. I just thought it would be nice to stop for an hour. It will have to be in the weeks that follow and we will go to Glasgow

OP posts:

Wingedharpy · 22/03/2021 13:52

Apologies @SunshineOnLeith2018.
I didn't mean to sound so blunt.
I meant to add other things to my post but got distracted, wandered off and then just posted without adding anything else.
I think your MIL has shown that she isn't particularly thoughtful by telling you about this trip in the first place.
She clearly didn't think how it would feel, from your perspective, to have her practically passing by your front door, without calling in to see you.
In her defence, it can be tricky to mix friend and family.
Maybe she's made arrangements to have lunch, go to the bar or some such activity with her pal before they check in and stopping off with you would have made that arrangement unworkable?
Was she a very maternal DM to your DH?
If not, she'll probably never be a very involved Granny.
I understand, when your own family are so far away, why this seems like a snub.

Dillydaffy · 22/03/2021 13:53

If I was your MIL I would be on a bus the minute I could to see your little girl. Sorry she is being so selfish, but you won't change her, people are strange things!

MatildaTheCat · 22/03/2021 13:53

I haven’t seen my DS since August so would jump at the opportunity to meet up as I was passing through his town if that were the case. She sounds as if she’s quite inflexible in her thinking and can’t contemplate changing a plan once it’s arranged. She also sounds quite inexperienced around travel if she thinks you are “too far” to visit usually.

Let it go and pop over to see her when you can. I doubt she will change.

Plumbear2 · 22/03/2021 13:57

OP you are missing my point. Why don't you travel to the next town while she is there to see her?

Chloemol · 22/03/2021 13:58

So now you know her priorities, and can plan your life accordingly, I would not be bending over backwards to sort plans to suit her in future

JustLyra · 22/03/2021 13:58

Does she live alone?

dropthedeadhorse · 22/03/2021 13:59

If she gets the bus to you and you meet her with your car and go to a playpark then can't you just drive her to her holiday destination after that rather than put her back on a bus? Sounds like it would be an hour round trip for you max.

florafoxtrot · 22/03/2021 14:00

I think it was really nice of you to come up with that option and suggest it to her with all things considered around lifting of restrictions and making the most of being able to see each other again. The fact that she isn't considering it is sad for your daughter and your DH but has she maybe just come up with a plan and isn't keen to change it? Feel like that might be quite common of her generation...

It does also sound a bit like she is a bit raging that you've dared to move somewhere that isn't down the road from her... and she's maybe made that point and can't concede it by getting off this bus?!

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 14:03

If she's only having a break in Edinburgh why not suggest that you all have a day at the zoo with the little one?

Original poster

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:04

@BigFatLiar

If she's only having a break in Edinburgh why not suggest that you all have a day at the zoo with the little one?

Sounds good but maybe another time as I think she is there Mon to Thurs and I'm only off on the Monday

OP posts:

Original poster

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:05

@florafoxtrot

I think it was really nice of you to come up with that option and suggest it to her with all things considered around lifting of restrictions and making the most of being able to see each other again. The fact that she isn't considering it is sad for your daughter and your DH but has she maybe just come up with a plan and isn't keen to change it? Feel like that might be quite common of her generation... It does also sound a bit like she is a bit raging that you've dared to move somewhere that isn't down the road from her... and she's maybe made that point and can't concede it by getting off this bus?!

Thank you 😊

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 22/03/2021 14:05

It's quite easy to see which posters are going to be the subject of a MIL thread in the future, isn't it?

Wingedharpy · 22/03/2021 14:06

I have a relative, who I'm very fond of, who lives in a very touristy location.
I have a pal and she and I, 2/3 times per year, visit this location.
On those visits, I never tell that relative that I've visited/am visiting, because, the natural progression of that conversation would be along the lines of "come and see us" or "let's meet up".
It wouldn't be fair to my pal - it's her holiday too - and I doubt she would want to spend any part of it meeting my family (lovely as they are).
When I visit the same place with DH, however, completely different scenario.

Plumbear2 · 22/03/2021 14:06

So put yourself out on the Monday then? If you carnt put yourself out for this, for a meet YOU want then why should she put herself out for you? Distrupt her journey for you? Think about it.

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