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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL priority is her

138 replies

SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 12:35

In Scotland travel restrictions are lifted in 26th April. Yesterday my MIL told me and my 4 year old that she is off work that week and going on holiday that week with her friend. As she doesn't drive she is taking the bus. A bus that goes through our home town. The home town she has said to us many times is too far away.

I asked if they would stop on the way there to see their granddaughter and maybe go to the park but was told that she will "need to look into it" and might be "hard because of luggage". My DD hasn't seen her since Aug last year.

AIBU to think that she could have jumped at the chance to stop in our town given the bus goes through it! I could put her luggage in my house/car while they go to the park. And AIBU to be upset that instead of using a week off to visit us she had gone away with her friend? I know we are all longing to go on holiday but my DH hasn't seen her since Aug and I've not seen my parents because they live abroad for a very long time

OP posts:
JustLyra · 22/03/2021 14:08

If she lives that close how come your DH hasn't see her since August? The restrictions on outside meet ups for 2 households haven't been in place the entire time in Scotland?

Plumbear2 · 22/03/2021 14:09

This story has more drips than a rain storm.

Easterbunnygettingready · 22/03/2021 14:09

I wouldn't be suggesting anything again. Leave any planning to dh. She has spelled out how high dgd figures.

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:10

@JustLyra

If she lives that close how come your DH hasn't see her since August? The restrictions on outside meet ups for 2 households haven't been in place the entire time in Scotland?
Pretty much since about October there's been travel restrictions meaning you can't leave your local authority. First it was health boards in central Scotland then council areas in level 4
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2021 14:10

@Plumbear2

So put yourself out on the Monday then? If you carnt put yourself out for this, for a meet YOU want then why should she put herself out for you? Distrupt her journey for you? Think about it.
I'm not sure OP is dying to see her MIL.

I think she thinks GC and GP will want to see each other. Shock

I wouldn't step over a puddle to see an IL who couldn't be arsed to see my child. Let DH deal with them.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 14:11

"I just simply thought given it was on the way it would be possible but I seem to be asking too much"

Well yeah it's possible but it's also a pain in the arse since you expect her to get back on the bus with her luggage.

Why haven't you offered to drive her there if she gets off the bus?

You could've seen her between august and now, you can see her a few days later. She's got plans that day already!

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:12

@Plumbear2

So put yourself out on the Monday then? If you carnt put yourself out for this, for a meet YOU want then why should she put herself out for you? Distrupt her journey for you? Think about it.
I'm sorry if I have offended you in some way. You seem to have very strong views and I appreciate your comments. All I was suggesting was to get off the bus that stops in my town. Spend an hour with her granddaughter then get back on another bus. But as you and others have pointed out I'm being unreasonable. Thank you for your input
OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 14:14

"She has spelled out how high dgd figures."

Omg 😂 this is what's going to happen after lockdown isn't it?

You have to rank people in priority order and if anyone's nose gets put out of joint then you'll be ghosted.

Such drama and determination to cause tension amongst families. Ridiculous

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:15

@DavidsSchitt

"I just simply thought given it was on the way it would be possible but I seem to be asking too much"

Well yeah it's possible but it's also a pain in the arse since you expect her to get back on the bus with her luggage.

Why haven't you offered to drive her there if she gets off the bus?

You could've seen her between august and now, you can see her a few days later. She's got plans that day already!

I could drive her yes and will offer that. Nobody is helping her get her luggage in the bus in the first place though. I'm not saying that to be cold it's just a fact. I'll suggest I drive her
OP posts:
Ignorethecheeseinthefridge · 22/03/2021 14:16

I can understand why you are hurt, four is a lovely age and, as a grandparent myself, I would run from my home town with nails in my boots to see my grandchildren right now. However, you cannot change how she feels and you probably feel differently towards her now, that's not easy but in the long term at least you will not be emotionally invested in her. Don't set yourself up for more hurt by trying to get her to care more about your precious child, you cannot change her and it's stressful to hope for more. Hope you can get to see your own parents soon and stay in touch with them till you can, one set of good grandparents is a lovely thing for a child and beyond.

Plumbear2 · 22/03/2021 14:17

And your MIL said no stating her reasons. I'm not sure why you turned this into an AIBU. Your MIL has every right to say no. It dosent mean mean she dosent love or care about her grandchild, or that her priorities are not in tbe right place. Like I said you could visit her during her visit but it turns out you are not prepared to do that.

FurryGiraffe · 22/03/2021 14:17

I get it OP. My MIL doesn't drive. She won't contemplate getting the train to visit us, though her and SFIL go on all sorts of train trips elsewhere. She's never visited either of my BIL's homes. I would mind less if she didn't make such a song and dance about how much she misses the DC...

Wingedharpy · 22/03/2021 14:19

What does your DH think OP, given that this is his Mum?

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:21

@Wingedharpy

What does your DH think OP, given that this is his Mum?
Hurt. Though he has a kind of walking on eggshells relationship with her not to upset her. She expects him to call her
OP posts:
JustLyra · 22/03/2021 14:22

Pretty much since about October there's been travel restrictions meaning you can't leave your local authority. First it was health boards in central Scotland then council areas in level 4

Does she live alone?

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:22

@JustLyra

Pretty much since about October there's been travel restrictions meaning you can't leave your local authority. First it was health boards in central Scotland then council areas in level 4

Does she live alone?

No with her partner (not my DH father)
OP posts:
TillyTopper · 22/03/2021 14:24

Take the win! It's a funny decision on her part but I couldn't get worked up about it.

DavidsSchitt · 22/03/2021 14:25

He's hurt because she thought it might be tricky changing buses with luggage?

The fact your first thought was for her to get back on a bus rather than drive her is more unreasonable than her wanting to stay on the bus!

Christ, I can't imagine asking MIL to break her journey, throwing her luggage in my boot for an hour then getting it back out for her to stand at the bus stop and lug back onto the bus 🤣

notacooldad · 22/03/2021 14:28

Just read through again. So she's only going away for a couple of days - Monday to Thursday -so if she is travelling she will have two full days, Tuesday and Wednesday.
In your mils shoes I would continue with the plan. I've been burnt so many times with other people's suggestions of ' why don't I.....?' Something always happens. Would the mil have to buy two tickets, one to your location and then another to continue or is it a hop on service?

I would make proper family time in the very near future so it's not a quick rushed 1/2 hour in the park ( less unlessthe bus stop is next to the park). Whether it would be family come to me or I to them doesn't really matter but I'd rather have a proper visit and catch up than a fleeting moment like your initial suggestion. I'd prefer quality time to spend with you and the child.
It fies seem a lot if fuss you and Dh are making with him being hurt. Good grief! Seriously have a proper catch up soon.

Original poster
SunshineOnLeith2018 · 22/03/2021 14:28

@DavidsSchitt

He's hurt because she thought it might be tricky changing buses with luggage?

The fact your first thought was for her to get back on a bus rather than drive her is more unreasonable than her wanting to stay on the bus!

Christ, I can't imagine asking MIL to break her journey, throwing her luggage in my boot for an hour then getting it back out for her to stand at the bus stop and lug back onto the bus 🤣

Point taken. Though I hope for 3 nights in a city she doesn't have loads of luggage to lug around 🤣
OP posts:
notacooldad · 22/03/2021 14:29

Point taken. Though I hope for 3 nights in a city she doesn't have loads of luggage to lug around
She won't be lugging at around once she's at her location will she?

Spudbyanyothername · 22/03/2021 14:31

I’m sure it’s upsetting and she has chosen friend over visiting you/granddaughter.
However maybe she intends to do both and didn’t visit in order of importance or closeness of relation, just had an opportunity and went with it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/03/2021 14:36

Wouldn't it be pretty disruptive for your child? Less than an hour together may upset your dc. Far better to arrange a full day or 2, when your MIL can see her DS as well rather than a very rushed half hour at the park.

Wingedharpy · 22/03/2021 14:36

Sadly OP, if her own son has to walk on eggshells around her so as not to upset her, she is never, ever going to be the cuddly, loving Granny you would want for your child.
Personally, I'd leave it rather than now suggesting you drive her after stopping off, because, I suspect you will just set yourself up for further snubbery.

Devlesko · 22/03/2021 14:37

I'm seeing family as soon as I can, friends can wait.
I'm a granny, will be there asap and probably have to be dragged away Grin maybe a month or two later.
We are all different though, maybe she doean't think of family like she does her friends.

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