Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

I think he needs to recognise that his father is still alive, and it’s his money to do what he wishes with, not simply your husbands inheritance.

Now he can try to do something with the will, but it will be hard, but I would say this is not he’s giving hour husbands inheritance away, he’s spending his money to ensure he lives his life happily.

How old is his father?

Shes going to be looking after him and providing care meals etc hes going to have his own accommodation, any hertiance would be eaten up in care fees. Sounds like the house sold very quickly before shes had chance to look at things are up in the air with the pandemic.

The man is still alive! There is no inheritance yet. He wants to go and live closer to his daughter and is spending his own money whilst he is still alive to live the life he wants to have. Is he supposed to spend potentially the next couple of decades organising his life so as not to deplete or diminish what his children seem to view as “their” money?

It's hard yo understand why your dfil thinks it's fair but it's your dfil's money and his business. He's made a decision with what he wants to spend it on, I think you have to respect it. 25k is still a lovely gesture towards uni fees for your children.

Your DH should be pleased that his father is going to spend his old age comfortable and looked after, not griping because he’d counted on the proceeds of his death to pay for university fees.

The man is still alive! There is no inheritance yet

This, this isn’t he’s skewed the will. This is objecting to him spending his money as he pleases to ensure he has a comfortable life, because he won’t get his money. It’s distasteful. The mans alive. Your husband has to stop eying up his fathers assets as his.

You don’t get an inheritance until someone dies, until he does that money is for FIL to do as he chooses.
As for earmarking the money for anything while FIL is still alive that’s ridiculous, what if he needs care?
You never had that £125k in the first place abd DH ever have made any assumptions/plans
Just make sure that if the plan goes tits up DH doesn’t sort it out while his sister pockets the money

£125k that was supposed to be his fair share,

No, as others have said, the whole £250k belongs to your FIL.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older

You can't earmark a man's money thats beyond grabby hes still alive for a start! He wants to go live with his dd and thats his choice. Respect his decision.

As others have pointed out, there is no inheritance at present, just FIL's money. He is still alive and can choose to spend it as he thinks fit.

I understand that your dh might feel he has got the thin end of the wedge, but FIL may live for many years yet, he may need care etc. You can't plan how to spend an inheritance before he is even dead.

It's not your husband's money though, the Father has made a decision whilst he is still alive. Its wrong to assume that money was always going to be inheritance. It's not wise to make life choices based on expected inheritance- it can be eaten up by care home fees for example.

Agree, earmarking a mans money when he’s not even dead yet is really poor form. Objecting to his father planning a comfortable life for himself becayse he wants his money is hugely distasteful.

You don’t say how old he is, but why do you think he will die before the kids hit uni? How old is he?

Sorry but as your FIL is still alive ear marking money is beyond grabby! It’s his money to do with as he pleases. 25k is very generous considering he could keep the whole
Lot! I wouldn’t even think about money or inheritance right now as it’s not relevant. What happens if he needed a care home? All the money would be spent on that so the inheritance may have never existed

Honestly op I would be ashamed of your dh. His father is alive and well and is making plans for his own care arrangements. He is not burdening anyone here and seems a lovely person too. Your dh is behaving so grabby and shocking that he is counting his money before he receives anything.
Yes your sil will eventually have the benefit of the increased value of her property BUT your fil can go on to live a very long life which she will be providing some care to her dad. I think both you and your dh need to step away from this issue and be very grateful for whatever inheritance you receive.

FiL is being very sensible in thinking ahead to a time when he might need more care and improving his chance for living independently as long as possible. SiL is going to facilitate this - do not underestimate the sheer burden of looking after an elderly person for what can be many, many years.

Your FiL must have had concerns/ discussions with SiL on how to plan for his old age. Why was your husband not involved? Could it be that your FiL doesn't think he would step up and take some of the burden? The fact that your husband has already spent his inheritance (on uni fees - so he expects his father to snuff it in the next 10 years or so? How callous) would suggest your husband's priorities are not aligned to your FiLs well-being.

Your FIL needs to make sure he gets a legal right in that Annex. The mortgaging bank might need to be involved. Your focus should be on protecting him. If your SIL is going to let him live there for the rest of his life, that needs to be a legal right. They also need to be careful re potential care home fees if he ends up not being able to live there anymore, eg severe dementia. So it all sounds quite complicated.

I hope your FIL puts some protection for his money in place, given the lack of strong relationship with his daughter now. I wouldn't mind betting it won't be the lovely close family living environment he has been sold ...

He had ‘earmarked’ money he gets when his father dies for University fees? He’s a catch.... What happens if his dad doesn’t die by the time he needs the money? That would be inconsiderate of him, to live, when you need the money. You both sound as grabby as each other.

Does your DH realise that care is £12/1300 a WEEK? As he gets older your DH knows now his DD will be looked after. He’s fortunate to be getting the £25,000 that he has no entitlement to.
I know so many people thinking they’re getting huge inheritances when they’ll get nothing once the cost of their parents care is covered.
Does you DH want to look after him and have him living in the garden?

if dfil gets fragile enough to need care home within a shortish period your sil will probably find herself with a problem ditto with him dying if she thinks a house partially subsidized by him will be ignored after his death
Unless they are very careful she is in for a shock
Isn't there an issue about not giving more than £3000 a year regarding tax?
I think he is unwise getting himself tangled up in this - for his own sake -if it doesn't work
But op - its his money he can choose & he is entitled to make his own mistakes

I see this from both sides, it’s his money and he’s still alive. But also the SIL is benefiting unequally which is the annoying part. It’s a case of suck it up and say nothing. It’s funny how money ruins families- usually involves someone benefitting unfairly. Clearly discussions were had about him wanting to move to the coast and she saw an opportunity.

How dreadful to argue over an ‘inheritance’ when the person is still alive and well. Your DH isn’t coming out of this well at all. It’s your FIL’s money to do with what he wants.

My mam’s house had to be sold for care home fees. No inheritance here.

An inheritance is not guaranteed these days. £25k is a nice amount.

Fucking hell, he's still alive. He can spend his money how he likes!

You planned for him to be dead in time for your kids uni fund?! That's shocking

It's FIL money so he can do what he wants. You're being grabby.

You can feel annoyed that he's moving away with very little discussion - that must have come as a shock to your DH. Any inheritance is a different matter altogether.