Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

He's still alive! He could spend all his money on a Yacht if he wanted. Or care home fees might swallow up all his money.

"I hope your FIL puts some protection for his money in place, given the lack of strong relationship with his daughter now."

Who says he has a lack of strong relationship with her?! Just because she doesn't live on the doorstep now, that role is about to be reversed.

Tbh the inheritance could easily have been spent on care, £125k is not guaranteed at all.

Agree with others that your FIL is being sensible planning for when he becomes frail and can't cope alone. It's admirable.

I also think in years to come you will be glad of the 25k instead of having to take on the burden of care plus your SIL may find herself in a complex situation re assets if there comes a time where FIL can't safely live in the annex on her property. Her house may need to be sold to realise your FILs funds.

I think you are actually in a very fortunate position. Your DH should be grateful.

We had a similar situation years ago and with my in-laws, and now having another situation with a widowed aunt (who gave her son away to be adopted).

It's awful, it feels wrong, it feels mean, the man is still alive, but it still eats you up I know.

Problem is, it happens all the time. It feels unfair. Speak gently to your dad about it. Explain how you feel about the facts. He might not realise how it's unfair. But it's so important not to pressurise him.

The others are right, he might live for a long time still and need a lot of care, we just don't know. And it's his money at the end of the day. But it's hard not to take it personally.

He's not dead yet.

There is no inheritance. There is only his money. Which he is free to spend in any way he wants.

Your husband should be grateful his dad is going to give him some money instead of thinking it's not fair. If he died now I'd get half of everything.

Banking on any inheritance is really silly. Given the number of oldies who need to pay for care homes in advanced old age, the chances of actually inheriting is quite small.

Plus it's your fil's money to do with as he wishes. He's making plans to live independently for as long as possible. Sounds sensible to me.

be glad he is getting £25k now and not having it all being spent in care costs... which it still may happen

Something very similar happened to my dad and his sister. She was truly nasty to my gran (their mum) and so when my grandad died, she moved down to live closer to my parents. After a few years, when her general health started to decline, my gran sold her house and my parents sold theirs, and using the combined funds bought one house big enough for them all. My gran had her own suite of rooms (bedroom, living room and bathroom).

But from then on, my parents paid for everything - obviously all light/power etc. But also she had all her meals provided and had my mum waiting on her every need.

However, my dad's sister took great exception to that, and as a result she and my dad never spoke again. My aunt never even came to my gran's funeral when she died. Note, though, that she wasn't prepared to look after or fund my gran.

YABVU to assume that any of your FIL's money will be coming your way.

Problem is, it happens all the time. It feels unfair. Speak gently to your dad about it. Explain how you feel about the facts. He might not realise how it's unfair. But it's so important not to pressurise him

God. Prepare for the relationship to break down irretrievably if you do this. There’s no easy way to say to someon “ look I know you’re planning for a comfortable life, but I want your money so could you not do this, as I’m planning for you to die before my kids get to uni”.

Is there an option for you to offer the same? Ie with £90k can you buy a bigger house with a garden big evough? Would you want to?

I genuinely don't understand this expectation of inheritance some people seem to have. My DP's will leaves everything 50/50 to me and DB but so much could happen in the meantime it's in no way guaranteed there'll be anything left by the time we actually lose them. I'm hoping they can stay at home/with me or DB in old age but I also know it's perfectly possible they will need care we can't provide and any 'inheritance' will be needed to pay for that. It's their money (as it is your FIL's money) so should be used to benefit them while they're still living before anyone ever starts thinking of that money as 'inheritance'. I think it's your/DH's expectations which are off here tbh OP.

As everyone has already said- it's his money and he's being very sensible to pay for the home he wants and needs going forward. If he's sold his house, where do you think he's going to live for free for the next couple of decades whilst you wait for your entitled lot!

He's arrived at this point in his life with 250k. That's not your money, that's his money- he is sensibly buying what he wants which is to be closer to SIL and to gain care. Would you like to care for him f/t for 90k? It sounds like he's getting a bargain! Futhermore, if the money is not spent, then if he needs a care home (which hopefully he won't if he's living with SIL but he may if his care needs suddenly get very large) then that will all be eaten up.

25k is what you would get between the two of you if he has to spend it on care home fees!

I would check he has had legal advice though

I wonder if whats really upsetting your DH is that he's the last to hear about all the plans? It's been presented as a fait accompli and that might make him feel as though its been done behind his back, therefore heightening the feeling that his sister is somehow pulling a stroke and he's being cheated out of something.

In reality, as others have said, it's unlikely that he would have seen much of that money, if his dad went into a care home. It would have all been swallowed up in fees. In fact, this way he may emerge with a bigger amount than he otherwise would have had.

Maybe he just needs to say something like his feelings were hurt by being excluded from the conversation, that he supports any decision that his Dad makes, but can he be kept in the loop next time. ⁷

Inheritance? He isn’t dead!!!

He is spending HIS money how HE chooses. Good on him.

I would be ashamed of DH if I was you.

Has the SIL talked him into this?

I think there's a lot of manipulation going on here.

There is no £125k earmarked for your DH. It is money your FIL needs to live in his old age, sounds a more sensible suggestion than a care home which could be the alternative. Either way, the money should be spend on his living arrangements. You also shouldn't rely on any inheritance for your childrens university fund, for a start, FIL could live much longer.

Yes inheritance does cause family feuds but often the other way round, when faily members don't want 'inheritance money' spend on care etc. (much like your DH view).

Echoing other posters...it's not inheritance until he is dead.

Yikes. Your husband does not look good here, and neither do you.

If its entirely of the FILs choosing then so be it.

But I don't think it is.

You’re being given £25000 and being seemingly absolved of all future caring responsibilities.

SIL and her family are taking on the responsibility of future care and he will essentially be an additional member of their household.

Your DH sounds awful.

Wow. You do realise that regardless of what he told you he could have in reality left it all to charity. It's not unheard of, that is of course if there's anything left after care home fees.
You have money in the bank that you didn't have before.

It's a bit odd that this has only just come to light. I can understand why your husband might be upset that he wasn't included in your fathers plans - and maybe be worrying that he will see a lot less of his Dad. It doesn't sound like you will be able to visit him easily so the onus will be on you to collect him and bring him to stay with you.

The inheritance issue sounds harsh but honestly you've got no way of knowing what would have been left after care costs.

I think people are being rather hard on the op, this may be the only time a lump sum they could benefit from and also probably what his mother would have wanted. Of course there is nothing they can do about it but I understand why he feels miffed.

Is it just your DH that’s upset? I think you are too because as you mentioned the £125k you both thought would come your way was already earmarked for your children’s university expenses.

Your FIL is still alive and how he chooses to spend his money is his choice. He has ‘chosen’ to spend his final years living with his daughter and her family. He must have his reasons for making that choice.

You’ve mentioned your DH and his sister don’t have a relationship so unfortunately there hasn’t been any communication between them to give you a better understanding of how the decision has made.

I do understand how you and your DH feel but you should never factor ‘potential’ inheritance in to your finances. Circumstances can change and people can change their minds.