Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

So your fil is going to putting 200k towards living in a cabin in your sil garden? That doesn’t strike me as very nice or particularly fair to him. Why can’t your sil use the 100k to get a bigger house with an extra bedroom for your fil?
I don’t think it’s grabby I think it’s understandable to be upset by so much of the money going to sil.

I think you have to accept that it is up to the FIL how he spends his own money although I do have sympathy for you and your husband as it sounds like a ridiculous scheme to me and not fair to your husband - however, your SIL will have most of the stress going forward which she is welcome to.

I think your FIL should have discussed it with you beforehand as it affects you too - rather sneeky of him to sell his house before discussing it with you in my opinion

@ThornAmongstRoses

You have money in the bank that you didn't have before.

We don’t, because we haven’t accepted it.

Why haven't you accepted it? £25k is a good sum of money to put towards your DCs university costs. That would really help them.

I think you are both angry about the wrong thing. This plan has been in the workings for long enough for your FIL to sell his house, without telling you, meanwhile the sister hasn't done anything to start the ball rolling to sort her house out, including, waiting on starting a new job. Does she actually have a contract for the new job?

Does your FIL have something drawn up to protect his investment in the new house? Have you actually checked with the sister that this plan is happening, or is your FIL the type of person to have a conversation and decided its happening.

Ultimately I would be sitting down with both of them and asking why you are having to sort this mess out when nothing was said to you.

I know nothing about wills and such like, but if you wanted to be really cheeky fuckers, could there be something put into a will about when the house is sold, your children get back however much you were expecting. But I would not expect that conversation to go well and relationships will be damaged beyond belief

But I do agree with everyone else, he is not dead and while I complete agree with having a conversation about wills before they die, don't assume you are getting anything and certainly never earmark it for anything.

Charge him £65K to stay with you.

YABVU he can spend his money how he likes, it’s his choice. But l agree it sounds completely unfair to me

As aside it’s interesting he wants to stay with you as it’s convenient and he’s only told you once his house being sold is a done deal pretty much. House sales and purchases aren’t going through quickly right now. Especially if the new one hasn’t been found yet, he may well be staying with you until quite late in the year. It’s nice he can choose to stay with you as it suits but wants to give his daughter the majority of his money

I really feel for you and your DH. My Grandma did something similar with my Aunt, who systematically screwed every penny of her other children's inheritance out of her. But, and it's a big but, at the end of the day, it was her money and her choice.

The same goes for your FiL, sadly.

I can see why your DH would feel hurt though. I’d suggest a ‘trial run’ to FIL where he stays with SIL for a few weeks.

It’s just so odd because my SIL’s partner has never been welcoming or particularly pleasant to FIL. In fact he isn’t particularly pleasant to anyone. SIL and her partner have been together since they were 16, childhood sweethearts, but he’s never bee particulately nice to her family. That’s one good thing about the Cabin, that at least FIL will have somewhere to escape to as I imagine he won’t be made to feel welcome or comfortable in the main house.

My worry is also that he’s just going to get used for free childcare whilst she and her partner are at work. FIL keeps saying he’s looking forward to spending time with the grandchildren and I do worry they’re going to take advantage of that.

As another poster said, FIL said he will only be with us for a few months but I envisage it will be longer than that, and as much as I like him, I do worry about the impact of him being here 24/7 for potentially 6 months.

I think the secrecy makes it all the more upsetting.

As Lindy2 has pointed, not only will SIL need to find a suitable property, she'll need to get PLANNING PERMISSION to build a self-contained annexe in the garden. That will be extremely difficult to achieve and will take a lot longer than 'a few months'. Unless they give up on the idea of a separate annexe and just buy a larger house with rooms for FIL. In the meantime your FIL is effectively making himself homeless.

And as others have pointed out, FIL's money will be tied up in SIL's house and can't be liquidated if he needs it for care home fees.

The thing is, your FIL has obviously reached a point where he wants to live with one of his children, but retain his independence. So a cabin or annexe is the obvious solution (my MIL lives with us in a separate building and it works very well). It removes or at least postpones the need to go into a care home.

So, why did he choose to do this with his daughter and not his son? Does he feel you wouldn't want to move/have enough space? Does he feel he gets on better with his daughter and her partner than his son and you? I'm not suggesting you aren't a lovely person, but it's perfectly possible to feel more comfortable with one couple than another. Does he think that, if it comes to it, he'd rather have his son-in-law (if there is one) help him with personal care than his son? Does it go back to old fashioned views that it's the daughter, not the son, that needs to step up to take responsibility for ageing parents? Does he think you've done your share and it's time for his daughter to do hers?

If it would have been an option for him to live with you, then perhaps your dh should put this on the table now.

People are assuming here the SIL really wants to care for her dad in his old age. Even though she only sees him once a year or so just now. I'm amazed at how gullible some posters are.

@user1493413286

So your fil is going to putting 200k towards living in a cabin in your sil garden? That doesn’t strike me as very nice or particularly fair to him. Why can’t your sil use the 100k to get a bigger house with an extra bedroom for your fil? I don’t think it’s grabby I think it’s understandable to be upset by so much of the money going to sil.

Presumably because Fil wants some privacy. We’re not talking a garden shed here, it’s an annexe.

”FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.”

I would say no to that. Chance your mind, just like your fil did. Let him use some of the 225k to rent his own place. Having him stay with you is almost certainly going to cause bad feelings.

We said yes to him staying when he lead us to believe that he was looking for a house in the same town we lived in and that it would just be a stop-gap between selling his house and looking for one that he liked in the area.

It was only after we agreed to him staying for a few months did he tell us what was really happening.

I think your FIL needs legal advice on ring fencing his assets. Where will he stand if SIL changed her mind about him living in the garden?

YANBU. The money should be split equally. If the FIL wants to live with SIL, then surely he can own a share in their new home, which can then be split equally once he dies? Either the SIL can by your DH out, or she can downsize again.

As it stands the FIL is screwing one child over in favour of the other, which is utterly abhorrent.

Care home fees likely won't be a worry here - it takes a lot. And this looks kosher, esp if he will live there for some time.

OP you're getting, and will continue to get some shit on here, but I see exactly where you're coming from.

You have to remember though, there is no such thing as an inheritance "due" - the man's not dead yet. So leave out all mention of intended inheritance, and just concentrate on the feelings of the secrecy and SIL "taking him" 100's of miles away.

I hear you, but there's nothing you can do about it.

@Whitney168

I hope your FIL puts some protection for his money in place, given the lack of strong relationship with his daughter now. I wouldn't mind betting it won't be the lovely close family living environment he has been sold ...

This.

It all seems out of the blue. Why is the sister suddenly keen to have him move across country. Will your FIL have a financial claim to the house and annex or will it be entirely hers to do as she pleases. What if her and her DH split up, will the DH have more of a claim to FILs share of the house and annex than he will?

skirk64 but sil will be likely providing care electricity and meals etc why should op and her dh get money when they haven't helped with any care.

There is something particularly unedifying about the fact your husband is counting his “inheritance”- and has plans for it- before his father has even died. Also- you were going to spend it on university costs for your children? What if he hasn’t conveniently died by the time you need it?

Don’t you realise that it’s not your DH’s inheritance, it’s your FIL’s house/money. He can sell his home and move wherever he wishes, he doesn’t need your permission. What if he’d sold his house, bought something cheaper and used the rest of the money on enjoying himself- holiday/car/hobbies, for instance? Would your DH have felt hard done-by?

The lesson is not to count your chickens- or your “inheritance”- until they’ve come home to roost. In other words, inheritance is not guaranteed. Best not rely on it.

So, why did he choose to do this with his daughter and not his son? Does he feel you wouldn't want to move/have enough space? Does he feel he gets on better with his daughter and her partner than his son and you? I'm not suggesting you aren't a lovely person, but it's perfectly possible to feel more comfortable with one couple than another. Does he think that, if it comes to it, he'd rather have his son-in-law (if there is one) help him with personal care than his son?

It’s because SIL lives on the coast and he’d prefer to live his life out there than in the town we live in - certainly came blame him for that.

He and SIL’s partner don’t get on at all, not for FIL’s lack of trying.

I think that’s one of the reasons DH is so indifferent to his sister, because she lets her partner treat this side of the family pretty awfully.

Thankfully I have a very good relationship with FIL.

This happened with one of my cousins and her FIL, and in that case he adjusted the will to leave far more to the other sibling to reflect the benefit my cousin had enjoyed with the extended house

Only the FIL's health deteriorated rapidly so that he needed a nursing home, the council came after the "asset" he'd passed to my cousin and the whole thing became a god awful mess

It's interesting that your SIL's the one who suggested this; I wonder if she's really thought it through or if actually she's the one seeing ££ signs - because sometimes it's wise to be careful what you wish for

@ThornAmongstRoses

”FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.”

I would say no to that. Chance your mind, just like your fil did. Let him use some of the 225k to rent his own place. Having him stay with you is almost certainly going to cause bad feelings.

We said yes to him staying when he lead us to believe that he was looking for a house in the same town we lived in and that it would just be a stop-gap between selling his house and looking for one that he liked in the area.

It was only after we agreed to him staying for a few months did he tell us what was really happening.

Have you asked him why all this was so secret?

It does seem grossly unfair, especially as your FIL has always said it would be split 50:50 and now it's going to be split 90:10 in your SIL's favour.

However, she's going to pick up all the care of him as he gets older, so that's one thing you won't have to worry about now (although it doesn't sound as though it would have been a problem for you and your DH).

My father is a stickler for doing things fairly so he'd never do something like this - I think your FIL has either had his ear bent by your SIL or there's something else going on.

YANBU to be sad that this has happened but yes, while he's alive, it is his money to spend how he wants to, including blowing it all on a round the world cruise if he so chooses.