Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

He's going to be living with you for a very long time OP.

Campervan/ caravan outside then?

I don't think the FIL is happy. Why keep it such a secret?

I know a few people where the agreement has been for a parent to join (financial) forces with one adult child on the understanding that they provide care in the future. Having to look after an elderly person with care needs for possibly 20 years is very, very onerous and often people are more than happy to forego any inheritance in return for their own freedom.

My aunt looked after my granny for over 20 years. That’s 20 years of carers tramping in and out, not being able to go on holiday or even out for a whole day, continuous health problems and emergencies and all the associated legal and admin stuff.

Someone could get lucky and not have any of this, or the elderly person passes away peacefully quite early on, but on balance I’d forfeit the money and let the sil look after the fil.

@ssd

I don't think the FIL is happy. Why keep it such a secret?

Because he could guess his sons reaction clearly?

I think thr responses would habe been very different op if you’d phrased it, we are worried about how it will work etc but it was phrased all about the money, how much he is spending, how much she will get how much your husband will get and how you both wished to spend the money.

Ah, I just read the info that the cabin wouldn’t be able to have planning permission and wouldn’t be able to be sold separately in the future. I think that does change things because essentially your FIL will have no real assets. I do think though as he gets older his daughter will inevitably provide care of sorts, maybe not round the clock but definitely more support. Has there been any discussion about what would happen if you FIL needed high level care as he got older.Who would finance that? That would need to be clarified because essentially given away all his money well before he dies.

You and some other poster are acting like SIL is getting 225k and your husband is only getting 25k. The reality is 90k is going towards the new house - the bulk of which is to accommodate FIL and the land he needs for the cabin.
When it comes down to it SIL isn't really getting much more than DH.

This all just sounds so grabby. The likelihood of the two children getting the entirety of the value of his home was always unlikely.

@Musicaldilemma

Your FIL needs to make sure he gets a legal right in that Annex. The mortgaging bank might need to be involved. Your focus should be on protecting him. If your SIL is going to let him live there for the rest of his life, that needs to be a legal right. They also need to be careful re potential care home fees if he ends up not being able to live there anymore, eg severe dementia. So it all sounds quite complicated.

This

Its a very strange idea.
SS would probably see him giving SIL 90K as dissolution of assets and it might may things very tricky for her in the long run if he needs care.
Having said that your FIL can as he wishes.
Never plan your life around an inheritance

What if your FIL ended up needing to go into a care home? I assume SIL wouldn't sell her house to free up FIL's money to pay for it? Will SIL and BIL pay for it or do you think they would ask you to contribute too? Just a thought

@PandaFluff

I would check he has had legal advice though

So true, I have had indirect experience of similar arrangements that look good on paper but when reality strikes the elderly person has been left to regret their decision, the relative with whom they were supposed to live alongisde has changed the arrangement to the person's detriment.

Why should op and her dh get money when they haven't helped with any care

But as things stand they will be caring for FIL by disrupting their home so he can live with them while this goes through ... and if there are planning hiccups he could be there for an awfully long time

It could even happen that FIL pays the £90k towards the bigger house and the cabin never gets built, which would leave OP doing the caring and picking up the pieces as well

Inheritance is never guaranteed, no, but I don't think you are being unreasonable to be hurt and a bit in shock considering previous conversations

He definitely needs to get some legal advice about what happens if he goes into care though, your SIL could have to sell her house to release funds for his fees

Has he considered buying his own place near to them?

My friend had this exact same scenario, all arranged in secret. When her DH found out it caused a huge family rift and he never saw his sister or father again. He simply couldn't accept being excluded from the planning when he was the one who saw his father the most.

He felt so betrayed, I know he wouldn't have been as accommodating as you OP.

But as things stand they will be caring for FIL by disrupting their home so he can live with them while this goes through

For goodness sake, it’s six months, worst case a year. And he’s still got his lump sum. Unless you’re suggesting they should get money for having him live there a few months I’m really not sure of the point of your post.

To accommodate FIL my children are going to have to surrender their playroom and I’m having to surrender my office. It’s not like he’s easily slipping in and it just hurts that this is being asked of us for an indefinite length of time whilst God knows what SIL is doing

Wow. Then say no.

Working out how your are going to spend the inheritance you believe you are entitled to of a living person is incredibly very poor taste.

Your FIL still alive, it is his money to spend to live his live the way he chooses. Living with/beside his daughter, in a seaside town, is a great solution to impending old age and potentially needing extra care.

When he does die your dh will get what his dad chose to leave him, not what your dh (or you) thinks he is are entitled to.

Your dh should tell him he should definitely get legal advice to make sure the plans are watertight and that he should also think about what happens if it does not work out for him or them - can he get his money out and move. Other than that dh should wish him well. This has disaster written all over it and luckily you have a fair bit of time with him living with you to allow him space to reflect, hopefully before he signs his assets away. Ask him what his wife would have thought of the plan of living in the garden of dsil and Dbil.

Legal advice and all plans laid out on a time line. No skipping any steps.
If your FIL is smart enough to

1. get you agree to house him until “everything is sorted at the other end” and then
2. drops the bombshell about his real plans,

He’s smart enough to make a clear plan on paper, preferably with new will guidelines, too.

I’ve found that as people get older they can talk clearly about dying and know what they want to happen after. No need to be coy.

Or is he being manipulated?

Maybe he got wind of the fact that you already know what you will be spending his money on when he dies. What a horrible way to live. I can't believe people plan their lives on what they can spend when a relative has passed away!!

This is insane - I predict once SIL gets the money there's going to be endless delays sorting things out at that end, and your FIL is never going to move up there.

Please don't do this - tell him you wish him well, but it isn't possible to disrupt your lives - and it makes much more sense for him to move up there and sort things out from nearby.

I can understand the frustration and disappointment, but it sounds like it's happening regardless. It's kind of sneaky that you've been kept in the dark until he needs to arrange somewhere to live in the meantime.

It could have been the case that he'd end up going into care and there was no inheritance to be had anyway. That may still happen, and if sooner rather than later there could be a question mark over the money he gave to your SIL (and potentially your DH too).

On the plus side, his care as he ages will fall to your SIL and not you/DH.

For those who have asked, FIL is 65.

The more people post about then potential legal complications of this the more worried for him I am.

He’s a lovey man but very easily influenced, maybe even a little naive, and I do worry he’s been rail roaded into this. He’s sold his house and will giving £90k to his daughter in the hope her plan will materialise, whilst being effectively homeless himself.

I don’t dislike SIL, I don’t know her to dislike her. Me and DH have been together about 13 years and I’ve probably met his sister less than 10 times. That goes to show how little of an involvement she has with her side of the family.

The cost of 24hr dementia care is £40k-£50k a year. A family I know ‘lost’ half a million in the 10 years their parents were in a care home. Except it wasn’t really theirs until their parents died. I think they divided 24k up in the end.

The councils get uptight about older people ‘giving away’ their assets because obviously they have to pay if the older person can’t. Your FIL really needs to get some advice. I presume SIL would need to sell the new house if it was found to be a way of getting out of care costs so the council could access ‘his’ money for care home costs.

Having read your updates then yes I'd be upset and I think most people would be. If he has always said about his inheritance and then now he is changing his mind (although I dont think you should have ever banked on it - why do people never take into account that care home fees using it all up is quite likely?)

But if you see his dad often then it's a very weird thing for him not to mention. Especially so since he has asked to move in with you while it sorted and then got your agreement before changing the goal posts.

I think he does need to speak to his dad on two fronts.

It's ok to tell his dad how he feels, that he is upset that his sister and him will not be treated equally after his death and that he is upset that his dad didnt discuss it.

But I think he also needs to ask his dad a lot of questions:

When he gets older how will he pay for care home fees if the need arises, surely he wont be able to sell just the cabin as it is in his sisters garden. How is he going to ensure a good standard of care or has his daughter promised to look after him? What if she cant because of illness or needing to work? What legally would stop her just taking the money and not building a cabin? How is he going to feel about not seeing his son and other grandchildren as much? How is he going to feel if your children dont go to uni because you cant afford it, given he said it was important to him to help them. How does he feel about being reliant on his son in law who doeant seem to like him?
.
Something doesnt sound right in all this

So if I’m reading this right, your FIL has all his faculties and is making a decision for his future care whilst still alive and your DH is pissed because he has in his mind spent the “inheritance” he feels he is entitled to? On top of that you seem less than thrilled that he wants to live with you and His Son for a few months (cause I mean, there’s not a lot of money in it now) and your pissed that your SIL will be getting more given that she will inevitably be looking after him until he dies. Do you think your FIL is aware his Son just looks at him like a giant cash cow? Maybe that’s why he’s going to live with his Daughter.