Inheritance issues causing a massive tension in the family.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

My DH and his sister have no relationship with each other. It’s not that they actively dislike each other, it’s more that there’s just nothing there, just total indifference. They may see each other yearly at a family get together or something but there’s no contact in between those times, not even a text message here and there.

My FIL lives relatively close to us so is very involved in our lives (no problem at all, he’s a lovely man) and since he lost his wife (DH’s mum) just over 4 years ago we’ve taken him even more into our fold to ensure he doesn’t get lonely.

We live near the Midlands and DH’s sister and family live near Skegness. His sister comes down about once a year to see her dad and will stay for about a week with her partner and their children. FIL doesn’t go and stay with them though as with their two young children, and the fact the house is quite small, there’s isn’t really any room to accommodate FIL for any period of time.

Anyway, FIL has always said that when he passes away he would want his property sold and split 50:50 between DH and SIL.

However, last week he dropped a bombshell that he’s sold his house and is moving up to Skegness and will be having a Granny Annexe type Cabin built in SIL’s garden for him to live in.

We have seen the brochure for the Cabins and they are beautiful and cost about £100k to £130k depending on size and style.

We asked how on earth he would fit one in SIL’s garden as they only have a small garden and FIL told us that SIL is going to sell her house, and then he (FIL) is going to give SIL £90k from the sale of his own house and his contribution will allow for a mortgage big enough to her to buy a larger house with a big enough garden for his Cabin to be built in.

FIL’s house has already been sold for £250k and has said he will give £25k to my DH. The remainder will be used to give £90k to SIL (so she can buy a bigger house) and then the cost of building the Cabin.

SIL is waiting to start a new job which will enable them to pay the increased mortgage payments on whichever house they buy, compared to the payments they have for their current house.

My DH is quite upset as not only is SIL being given £90k, she will then also have a much larger house to show for it, and after FIL’s passing, a nice £120k accommodation in the back garden which will no doubt add a lot of value to her property.

DH is more upset as the 50% inheritance that was earmarked for him was mainly going to be for our children as we were going to put it into a university fund for them to use when they’re older.

FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to.

FIL has got to leave his house at the end of April and has told us he’ll probably only be with us for a few months, but SIL hasn’t even started looking for a house yet, never mind the two months it takes to build the Cabin when the house has been bought.

It’s all such a mess.

There’s underlying tension brewing and I’m worried it’s going to cause a huge fracture in DH’s and FIL’s relationship and also that DH’s and SIL’s relationship will go from one of apathy to one of rivalry.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds? Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Rather than the £125k that was supposed to be his fair share, he’s now getting £25k out of the whole £250k and everything else, in effect, is going to SIL.

Really worried we’ve come across as Grabby now.

The only reason I speak about FIL’s passing as when his wife died he changed his Will, he did it with DH and SIL and he was openly adamant that he wanted everything 50:50 when it comes to selling any property he owns.

He frequently made comments himself about how he’d like it if some of the inheritance he gave was used to put towards the grandchildren’s education (ours and SIL’s) as he had always said he’d felt guilty that he couldn’t have helped out when my DH went to Uni.

So yes, the 50:50 split and his wishes for it was always an open discussion FIL would have with DH and SIL.

DH doesn’t mind at all that FIL is spending his money, it just hurts that SIL is ultimately benefiting from it very well. It probably feels worse because they have no relationship with each other.

Is he upset because he feels that his sister has connived to have her father live with her so she can get the bigger house and more money?

What kind of relationship do they usually have?

If he needs care in the next few years, wouldn't that be deprivation of assets?

There’s nothing quite like people’s sense of entitlement to other people’s money. Hideous and I would be telling your dh to grow the fuck up.

There is no inheritance. Would your dh feel bitter if your FIL had decided to go on holidays with his money rather than leave it to your dh?

Or if he’d had to spend it on care fees would he feel his children were being deprived.

If he wants the DC to go to uni then he’d better get saving, rather than being grabby over money he literally has no entitlement to.

If my child behaved like that I’d leave everything to a cats home.

@Worknoplay

We had a similar situation years ago and with my in-laws, and now having another situation with a widowed aunt (who gave her son away to be adopted).

It's awful, it feels wrong, it feels mean, the man is still alive, but it still eats you up I know.

Problem is, it happens all the time. It feels unfair. Speak gently to your dad about it. Explain how you feel about the facts. He might not realise how it's unfair. But it's so important not to pressurise him.

The others are right, he might live for a long time still and need a lot of care, we just don't know. And it's his money at the end of the day. But it's hard not to take it personally.

What is unfair about a parent spending their own money?

I work in probate.

Are inheritance discrepancies a typical cause of family feuds?

Almost always.

Is DH right to be feeling a bit irked by it?

Well personally I would say yes although the MN answer is no.

I imagine it has been a big shock as he doesn't seem to have discussed his plans beforehand. It is however, his choice and as long as he hasn't been coerced at all, he is the one to decide where he should live.

Your post does seem to be all about the change in £ inheritance rather than being sad you won't see your FIL as much anymore.

This move though could take a lot longer than your FIL thinks. Not only does your SIL need to buy a new property but a cabin to live in will also require planning permission. It doesn't seem a well thought out plan and it is a bit strange that he has already gone ahead and sold before anything else is anywhere near sorted. He's left himself homeless so it's lucky you are willing to give him somewhere to stay.

I would echo the voices that say he must get legal advice.
You also need to have a clear dialog about exactly how long he will be living with you.
Your SIL has to move to accommodate him, so the money he is giving her is an investment in his own future. He is going to effectively be part of her household, which potentially means she could be taking on the job of carer as there won't be anything left for a care home.
The £25k he has earmarked for your DH will still go a long way towards the accommodation costs your children's university education.

There is no tension only what you create.

You've said your Dh is indifferent to his sister so why would that change unless your Dh makes it so?

My PIL used to spend a lot of time with us, including holidays etc. After MIL died, FIL remarried very quickly - the 'inheritance' is gone but more so DH misses the relationship he had with his dad. The money is irrelevant.

It's within DH's gift to keep that relationship.... if he wants to.

I wonder if whats really upsetting your DH is that he's the last to hear about all the plans? It's been presented as a fait accompli and that might make him feel as though its been done behind his back, therefore heightening the feeling that his sister is somehow pulling a stroke and he's being cheated out of something.

I think there’s some of this.

We include FIL in so much of our lives, and to drop this bombshell came as a shock, especially because behind the scenes FIL and SIL have been discussing it for months.

I do wonder if FIL’s secrecy was perhaps because he was worried DH would be upset.

Never ever bank on an expected inheritance. I know enough people who have had their lives work and savings swallowed up by care home fees to know this.

It's not your DH's money, it's his fathers, to spend as he wishes.

Has the SIL talked him into this? I think there's a lot of manipulation going on here.

Yes, it was her suggestion.

Does anyone know what happens if the DF needs proper residential care and all his money is tied up in his daughter’s house?

Will they see it as deprivation of assets or will he get care costs paid for my the council?

That would be my concern.

From my experience, it's very possible that your DS or her partner/husband have talked him into it. That's what happened to us - DH's sister in law and her husband were going to get a very disproportionate share and it felt very unfair when it came out, even more so when we realised that they had been heavily pressured into it.

You could advise your dad to make sure it's all legal/he has spoken to a lawyer of his choice, with expertise in wills.

Oops posted too soon....

Was also going to say, you don’t know what the future will bring yet. Your FIL may live for a number of years and may become more dependent on his daughter. You may in time, feel relieved he chose to live with them and not you. You may eventually feel his daughter ‘deserves’ the money. I’ve seen it happen in my own family.

You have money in the bank that you didn't have before.

We don’t, because we haven’t accepted it.

So what would you rather? Would you want FIL to come and live in an annex in your house, and take on the expectation that he would be a permanent additional family member and that you would provide support and care as he ages? If you’d like to at, then why not tell him how upset you are that he’ll be moving away and suggest he moves in with you instead?

Normally I would say not to bank on any inheritance but in this case the sister is getting her share and more before your FIL is dead

Could you offer similar or pool your money to buy a bigger house with an attached annexe.
If he has sold already you could be quicker off the mark to get something sorted and it sounds like he wouldn’t have to move far so it isn’t going to be shock to his system moving to a place he has never set foot in.

On the upside, all the doctors appointments, administration, paperwork and odd jobs elderly parents require will now fall to SIL.
I can see why your DH would feel hurt though. I’d suggest a ‘trial run’ to FIL where he stays with SIL for a few weeks.

I'd not accommodate him for this interim period.

Tell him you'll be too busy working second jobs to save for the kids' uni.

“FIL has also asked if he can come and live with us whilst everything “at the other end” gets sorted, which we have already said yes to. “

I would say no to that. Chance your mind, just like your fil did. Let him use some of the 225k to rent his own place. Having him stay with you is almost certainly going to cause bad feelings.

@ThornAmongstRoses

You have money in the bank that you didn't have before.

We don’t, because we haven’t accepted it.

Er, why not? Did you actually tell FIL you refused it?

Had FIL ever previously spoken with you about his future care needs? It's quite dramatic to leave your whole community, I'm wondering why he didn't propose something similar with you instead of SIL.

@ssd

Has the SIL talked him into this?

I think there's a lot of manipulation going on here.

Yes, people manipulating their parents into allowing them to care for them in their old age is a well known phenomenon. 🙄

Forgetting about how your DH feels for a moment, I really hope that FIL and SIL have sought legal advice on how to do this, because it sounds to my non qualified brain like a potential financial minefield.

This is about FIL's old-age care, not about inheritance. He could have ended up spending the full value of his house on a care home. He might yet (and a situation could arise whereby SIL is forced to sell her new house to enable this).

It is not uncommon that ageing parents turn to their daughters, not their sons, for old-age care, practical support and admin. How does your SIL feel about taking on that obligation? It could be big one.

Had you and your DH ever offered or implied that your FIL might be able to come and live with you? Had he ever hinted? How would you have felt about that? Would it have been possible? Would your DH have taken on the daily burden of his care?

There's lots to think about here, if you wish to but it's about old-age care, not inheritance. What is happening sounds like a good arrangement for FIL.