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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
MumInBrussels · 22/03/2021 09:34

@Kat70

I'm wondering if you and your eldest child are a different colour, race, ethnicity etc to nan? Is this a possible reason for her nasty, horrid behaviour? A really horrible way to treat a child.
Yes, this is what I was wondering too. She's obviously not just being forgetful, she's being a cow. If she were just forgetful, she'd have written the date down wherever she's written down the dates for the other kids. I'd ignore the cards and stop seeing or talking to her - if she can't do this very basic thing, she's not going to treat your children equally in person either.
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/03/2021 09:35

I hate all that shit. You're not biologically related to me so you can fuck off.
Try telling adoptive families the "importance" of biology and blood.
Its a horrid spiteful thing to do leave a child out. There's no excuse for it.
I'm torn though on whether or not you should send the card and money back
Why in affect "punish" her sibling by taking money from her. OTOH you should send it back to get your point across. I suppose if possible you could always give DD the money out of your own pocket..

ClarkeGriffin · 22/03/2021 09:35

Oh you could go an extra mile too and have your partner officially adopt your daughter once you're married. If we can do that here, think we can. All have the same last name then.

Yeah it's a tad petty, but it's hardly like the gran is up for an award for being the most grown up person ever. Sounds like she hasn't aged a day since she was 10. People like that are so easy to annoy, this would annoy her, plus the marriage.

AiryFairyMum · 22/03/2021 09:43

Does your older child not have family on their dad's side though, which your partner's children don't have? Similarly, I wouldn't expect to join a family if I wasn't married or related by blood.

Fucket · 22/03/2021 09:47

For some people biology and/or marriage matter. You don’t have to accept it of course. Can a Compromise not be found? Each child gets a card and money be deposited into a child’s bank account? Even if she sent the money to your DP to do the banking.

My DSS is treated like family to some members of my side but not others. Some will spoil him equally but all get him a card. He has another set of siblings and relatives and if we’re going to insist we all treat him as family the poor lad is going to be broke come Xmas time trying to reciprocate.

Marriage is the bit that matters to us. No one in our family and in fact DHs either has had children whilst unmarried. In fact my father was very much upset DH and were likely to have our first out of wedlock (he was a child of a single mother born in the 1950s -widowed btw, and knew it was hard work). We brought our wedding forward and do not regret it. So therefore I am married to DSS father, I have made a commitment to him, if I survive my husband I will leave DSS an equal share (1/4 of nothing probably). My dad and his partner (he was a widower) have been together for 15 years they are unmarried, they have chosen not to make that commitment to each other, and I believe this relates to finances and her not wanting to. Then I do only view her as my father’s partner and her children are not my step brother or step sister.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2021 09:48

For all those saying the GG is doing this because of the horribly archaic dd1 is born 'out of wedlock all the children are, if you want to be pedantic. Dd1 is not biologically related, which is different.
Its not particularly nice, but neither is forcing or denying a relationship with your dc and this woman.

HHSchultz · 22/03/2021 09:49

Haven't read whole Thread, I'm at work. This sounds like the kind of shit my mother would pull. Ignore her, share the money between all the children and forget she exists is my advice.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/03/2021 09:54

Doesn't your daughter have her own blood relatives? Surely she receives cards etc from her own father's family that your other children don't get, so it all balances out. If she doesnt, then that's the issue here.

I never understand this attitude. Your partner has chosen to form a blended family with you but his extended family haven't. You can't make people consider someone a relative whom they are not in fact related to.

Greenrubber · 22/03/2021 09:54

Diddl
I have but it only mentions the father and brothers not the grandparent that I could see anyway
If I was seperated from my child's father for whatever reason ii know his mum would still be involved because she is the child's biological grandmother and she loves my kid and I wouldn't not let her see my child because I didn't get on with the dad for whatever reason
Of course the OP will come on with a reason why they are also not in contact anymore
But it doent change the fact the daughter isn't the grand biological gran and she doesn't have to include her as her family

SupermarketSecrets · 22/03/2021 09:54

@DawnR96

I have slept on it. I think it's so upsetting because it's not really about the cards. It's about how we're treated differently and quite harshly compared to the rest of his family, even members who have had children out of wedlock.

I'm not going to send back the cards but I will not have anything to do with her. Her behaviour towards me and my daughter is actually foul and there is zero excuses for it. Thanks all xx

You've made your mind up but if I was you, I'd give my dc the card but write the nan a letter saying how upsetting it is that she leaves out your eldest. She is your partners family, we've let you know in the past that it's upsetting. If you don't want to include her, please do NOT send any children cards or gifts. It's all or non to me
Crowsaregreat · 22/03/2021 09:56

She's a batshit old lady and she doesn't like you or your daughter for some reason. You won't change her, can't you just bin the cards, get a collective treat with the money and never see her? Letting her know it upsets you might just feed the drama?

ThatDamnKrampus · 22/03/2021 09:56

All those saying she isn't the biological grandchild - would you think this was right if the child had been adopted by the partner?

She is vindictive and I personally would send it back or spend it but say it was sent for both/all children and then send a joint thank you from all the children - make her feel uncomfortable.

Your poor child.

HotCrossBumsticks · 22/03/2021 09:57

(You're being unreasonable. You don't get to decide what other people do with their time and money. She isn't obliged to send her grandson's girlfriend's kid anything

This. I never understand why people blend families and then expect everyone else to pretend that they haven't done so. Your child is not her great grand child. She's allowed to differentiate between children who are her relatives and children who are not, if she chooses to.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/03/2021 09:57

Try telling adoptive families the "importance" of biology and blood.

It's different. An adopted child often may have little/no relationships with blood family and the whole point is that decision to adopt creates a new relationship.

If OPs partner is so accepting of her, perhaps he could adopt her. If her actual blood father would object to that then it tells you that it's all a bit more complex here as she already has her own relatives.

CecilyP · 22/03/2021 09:58

How awful! Think of how your eldest must feel and send the card back.

I doubt she feels anything. This wouldn’t be the only card. There will be other cards and presents from closer relatives. Unless she doesn’t a forensic examination of who gets what!

Sundances · 22/03/2021 10:00

I suspect it is DGM getting at DH, her grandson. Have a look at his childhood, is he only boy, is there a golden child in his siblings, is he the last born (a surprise!), first born ( a disappointment because she wanted a girl grandchild).
Check this out. She knows she is getting you upset and thus him, I doubt it's just the unmarried bit.

HotCrossBumsticks · 22/03/2021 10:06

Try telling adoptive families the "importance" of biology and blood

I wish people would stop with this insulting comparison. It's not the same thing.

LeSquigh · 22/03/2021 10:08

My kids have different dads and therefore have different families on their dads side. There are some members of the other side of the family who will buy for both my kids but we really don’t expect it and it is much appreciated but absolutely not expected that they do. Why should they have to? My DP took my son in as his own when he was under 3 and my DS can’t remember a time when he wasn’t there but it doesn’t mean his family have to lavish my child with gifts. YAB MASSIVELY U.

5zeds · 22/03/2021 10:11

I would put them in an envelope and send them back without opening them. I wouldn’t let anyone try to cause a divide between my children and I don’t think that’s punishing the younger children AT ALL, I think it’s protecting them from the underlying message that their big sister is somehow not quite as “nice” or “acceptable” as the rest of them. Let the old woman pour her warped ideas of life somewhere else.
In an envelope stamp and address and no comment at all. This is an unwanted intrusion into your happy life. Don’t think about it just do it.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/03/2021 10:14

She's allowed to differentiate between children who are her relatives and children who are not, if she chooses to.

She's 'allowed' to do no such thing. Not if their parents say otherwise. This isn't her family; she's not the parents and what they say goes. This not something I would tolerate and I'd expect that my partner would be on the same page and back me up.

If this were a case of protecting my eldest child, anything less would be a deal-breaker.

OP is NBU.

FamilyOfAliens · 22/03/2021 10:16

@Greenrubber

Diddl I have but it only mentions the father and brothers not the grandparent that I could see anyway If I was seperated from my child's father for whatever reason ii know his mum would still be involved because she is the child's biological grandmother and she loves my kid and I wouldn't not let her see my child because I didn't get on with the dad for whatever reason Of course the OP will come on with a reason why they are also not in contact anymore But it doent change the fact the daughter isn't the grand biological gran and she doesn't have to include her as her family
What do you mean by “Of course the OP will come on with a reason why they are not in contact anymore”? It almost sounds as if you think the OP is lying about what her relationship was like with her DD’s father and why they aren’t in contact any more.

And it’s irrelevant what you or your family would do. You’re not the OP.

And I bet the OP is fed up of posting that the other non-biological great-grandchildren don’t get the same treatment, so it’s clearly not a “only blood relatives” issue.

Ermintrude74 · 22/03/2021 10:17

My parents always sent a card and gift for my stepdaughter. They spent a bit less than they did on my biological children, but my SD was absolutely recognised and welcomed and I'd have been pissed off if she hadn't been. It's a kindness to a CHILD for fucks sake. I'm astounded at the number of people justifying the exclusion of one child within a family of 3 children, because of biology and DNA that the child has no control over. Thank god none of you were part of my family.

dontsaveusername · 22/03/2021 10:17

I would return everything sent, with maybe a polite note explaining the unfairness and how you are not prepared to have their brother/sister hurt by her lack of though and care, again.

Do not accept these cards or gifts if you oldest child is left out. They will understand and be very hurt. Do not allow anyone to behave like this around your children.

TillyTopper · 22/03/2021 10:20

Personally I wouldn't sent it back. I can see it's hurtful to you and your DC, but if you send it back you risk breaking the relationship and hurting your other DC. Why should the DC that does get something miss out just because you object to her not including other family members?

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 22/03/2021 10:22

@HotCrossBumsticks

Try telling adoptive families the "importance" of biology and blood

I wish people would stop with this insulting comparison. It's not the same thing.

Wtf? It's insulting to compare a step parent raising a child as their own to am adoptive parent? Are the step parents inferior to adoptive parents now? Nice.