To send my partners nans card back

[DawnR96]

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

Step parents certainly haven't been on the same journey and had the same heartbreaks. But it's really harsh to call the comparison insulting. It's basically suggesting that you can't ever love a step child as an adoptive/ biological child. Ridiculous.

I actually would return the cards, everyone has told her her behaviour is unacceptable (especially considering she gets cards for other non-bio members of the extended family) you need to show her that you will not be accepting cards for the other two children.

If you keep accepting the cards for the other 2 children then your words mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words. Send the cards back. Fuck her.

@Greenrubber

Diddl I have but it only mentions the father and brothers not the grandparent that I could see anyway If I was seperated from my child's father for whatever reason ii know his mum would still be involved because she is the child's biological grandmother and she loves my kid and I wouldn't not let her see my child because I didn't get on with the dad for whatever reason Of course the OP will come on with a reason why they are also not in contact anymore But it doent change the fact the daughter isn't the grand biological gran and she doesn't have to include her as her family

Excuse me? There is a legitimate reason as to why there is very little contact between my daughters bio dad. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. Not that it's any of your business but please do not hint that I just made up this reason for convenience.

It's basically suggesting that you can't ever love a step child as an adoptive/ biological child. Ridiculous

It's not even slightly suggesting that. How stupid.

@Ermintrude74

My parents always sent a card and gift for my stepdaughter. They spent a bit less than they did on my biological children, but my SD was absolutely recognised and welcomed and I'd have been pissed off if she hadn't been. It's a kindness to a CHILD for fucks sake. I'm astounded at the number of people justifying the exclusion of one child within a family of 3 children, because of biology and DNA that the child has no control over. Thank god none of you were part of my family.

Absolutely spot on.

I wouldn't have dreamed of giving Xmas and birthday presents to my biological nieces, but nothing to their older brother who lived with them, their mum and my brother.
That would be an unbelievably shitty thing to do and I don't understand how anyone can justify it.
Not being able to afford lots of presents, fine, I understand that.
But a card, an acknowledgement, does not have to cost the earth.

@GreenClock

She treats other non-bio relatives with respect so this is nothing to do with blood.

She treats other unmarried relatives with respect so this is nothing to do with matrimony.

I think it’s all about you having had a baby at 15, OP. She possibly thinks you’re not good enough. I don’t know what your work situation is, but she may regard you as a gold-digger.

Your boyfriend and his dad have tried to reason with this petty woman. I think that all you can do now is manage your DC1’s expectations. Explain that some people are spiteful sometimes and life isn’t always fair.

This was my thought too, especially as the rest of DP's family treat DD1 fairly.

Are the step parents inferior to adoptive parents now?

Not inferior but clearly not the same. There is a permanence of relationship conferred by legal adoption.

If a couple adopt a child, that is generally considered permanent. With blended families, if one partner moves on, the step DC may have little no contact with the former partner & their family going forward, because actually the relationship is predicated on the relationship between the two adults rather than between adult and child.

Does this child get a card from his biological grandmother?

I think you should just explain to the child that it is not her grandmother.

We almost never got anything from our aunt on my Dad's side. My Mum always sent them back for being to the wrong sister on a birthday, or spelling a name wrong. I only found this out later by accident. I'd have gladly swapped gift days with my sister. It is not the aunt that looks bad in this.

Please don't stop your kids getting things from their Nan. How it is now, she is the one looking bad to one or more of your kids. If you get between them you will be the bad guy. It would be kind to include your other child but she doesn't have to. You could make up the present value and explain what is happening and why without inflating it emotionally.
There could be a few life lessons in that. Forcing someone to show pretend love, or actively hiding their real love for your other children has no long term upside for anyone.

God threads like this always piss me off.

In all honesty, she probably doesn't like you because of your attitude that she should be cut off for not seeing your daughter as her grandchild. I wouldn't like you either if you came into the relationship with that tone. Yes, YABVU to consider doing this. If your husband was the one doing it it would be a different matter, but I think it's extremely entitled to attempt to cut off the OTHER side of the family, yet you see it all the time on here.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Are the step parents inferior to adoptive parents now?

Not inferior but clearly not the same. There is a permanence of relationship conferred by legal adoption.

If a couple adopt a child, that is generally considered permanent. With blended families, if one partner moves on, the step DC may have little no contact with the former partner & their family going forward, because actually the relationship is predicated on the relationship between the two adults rather than between adult and child.

Now that is a very fair point.

It just doesn't sound right to call the comparison " insulting" though ( I know you are not the one who said that though).

As for the point you are making, I don't disagree at all.
But at the time when the children are introduced as part of the family by both parents/ guardians, the right thing to do is to go along with those wishes, rather than treating a child as " less than" just in case things don't work out.

As some PP said, a child is being treated as an outsider despite numerous reminders to GM.

Your eldest child presumably has other grandparents. Do they send cards for their non-grandchildren too?

@aSofaNearYou

God threads like this always piss me off.

In all honesty, she probably doesn't like you because of your attitude that she should be cut off for not seeing your daughter as her grandchild. I wouldn't like you either if you came into the relationship with that tone. Yes, YABVU to consider doing this. If your husband was the one doing it it would be a different matter, but I think it's extremely entitled to attempt to cut off the OTHER side of the family, yet you see it all the time on here.

I know, right? A mother expecting an INNOCENT child to be treated like her other children is so entitled, annoying, out of order. What's the world coming to?

@HotCrossBumsticks

Try telling adoptive families the "importance" of biology and blood

I wish people would stop with this insulting comparison. It's not the same thing.

It is the same thing so far as I'm concerned.

I don't subscribe to the blood is thicker than water crap. Should either of my kids form a family containing step children, I'll treat them the same.

A family is a group of people who love each other, regardless of biology.

@bridgetreilly

Your eldest child presumably has other grandparents. Do they send cards for their non-grandchildren too?

OP has already posted that DD1's bio dad and his family aren't involved.

@aSofaNearYou

God threads like this always piss me off.

In all honesty, she probably doesn't like you because of your attitude that she should be cut off for not seeing your daughter as her grandchild. I wouldn't like you either if you came into the relationship with that tone. Yes, YABVU to consider doing this. If your husband was the one doing it it would be a different matter, but I think it's extremely entitled to attempt to cut off the OTHER side of the family, yet you see it all the time on here.

No, the OP has says she expects the great-grandma to treat her child the same as she treats all the other non-biological great-grandchildren in the family.

Are the step parents inferior to adoptive parents now.

That's irrelevant. The only issue that should matter here is that it's not the child's fault. Ever. All else is an aside.

This is a child being singled out for exclusion because a grown adult presumably has an issue with one of her parents. A child has no say in who her parents are. The only thing she'll see is that she's being rejected by a family member. She won't just brush it off as the actions of a mean-spirited old boot; children do not have the emotional maturity to rationalise in this way. All the evidence shows that when children are rejected like this - or when their parents divorce, for that matter - they think it is THEIR fault.

I'd expect my partner to say a hard 'no' to this too. Innocent children are not to blame for adults' behaviour and should not be subjected to their spiteful wrangling.

The expectation is a simple acknowledgement by way of a card, not a deposit on a flat or to fund her education. Who is so petty and spiteful that they'd take their angst out on a child?

Please don't stop your kids getting things from their Nan. How it is now, she is the one looking bad to one or more of your kids. If you get between them you will be the bad guy. I don’t think it’s a case of how you look to your kids. It’s a case of parenting and showing them how to live and behave. Do not let people slight your sister, is a good strong message. We wouldn’t accept this treatment for one of ours. We are trying to build a family not pander to every arsehole so no one thinks we are “bad”.

A family is a group of people who love each other, regardless of biology.

If you're old and looking towards death and wondering what you are leaving behind in the world, family might be more about the people who are carrying your genes into the future.

It is the same thing so far as I'm concerned

Bully for you. It's not the same thing though.

@DawnR96 your very first meeting with her sets the scene - she doesn't accept your DD, she's an old-fashioned bint who does not agree with her grandson bringing up another man's child. It's that simple.
She won't change.
Send back all the cards. Tell your youngest kids that "great-grandma doesn't send cards anymore, she's not able to get out and about much anymore". Maybe when they're old enough you can tell them - or not, that's up to you and DH.
She needs keeping at arms length - you are a family and that's what matters here.

Lastly, to all the pps saying "nan" and "grandmother" SHE'S THEIR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER!

@DawnR96
I never questioned the reason you were not in contact with the father! I'm taking about other family members like grandparents

i think youre being weird about this.

Your eldest has their own grandparents surely. Why would you punish an old woman who just wants to send something to her grandkids.

My dps family dont send things to my eldest for his birthday. Thats up to them. He gets things from his dads family though that my other kids dont get

Why are people determined to miss that OP has pointed out that this woman doesn't exclude other children who are not related to her?

If you come on here with snidey little remarks at least make sure you have read the whole thread.

@aSofaNearYou