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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
Greenrubber · 22/03/2021 08:44

Also the reason I buy for my brothers is because the step children where disowned by their family other wise I wouldn't bother

FamilyOfAliens · 22/03/2021 08:45

But you cannot force your DP’s gran to accept your child as a grandchild. She isn’t as if she wants to stick to the biological rules then she can.

See my post above yours.

loveheartss · 22/03/2021 08:45

I mean, is it really relevant that it's not her grandchild in terms of sending a card? Do people not send cards to those who are not related to them anymore?

I send cards to friends, friends children, etc.

I don't think the OP would be too fussed whether it specifically has grandchild on it, just an acknowledgement would be nice.

CecilyP · 22/03/2021 08:47

If dc’s grandparents on father’s side were involved and sending eldest a card would you feel less bad?

Yes, I know OP has said there is no contact with the fathers side, but if there was, her DC could be getting cards and presents from him, his parents and 2 sets of grandparents. Would the other children be upset at the eldest getting so much more than them?

AppleJane · 22/03/2021 08:50

What's your relationship like with your DP's parents? Why can't they have a word with their mother? If my mother was upsetting my grandchildren I'd have something to say!

Livelovebehappy · 22/03/2021 08:54

Does your eldest have two grandparents anyway? Ie her Dfs parents as well as yours? If so, it could be argued that your eldest is the benefitting from three presents, whereby your children together just get 2.

Blockedoff · 22/03/2021 08:56

@Livelovebehappy OP has confirmed that the paternal grandparents have no involvement.

Wroxie · 22/03/2021 09:02

YOU shouldn't do anything, your partner, however, should. It's his grandmother.

Greenrubber · 22/03/2021 09:04

But why do they have no involvement? Could be disowned could be not allowed to because OP has moved on could be anything
Still doesn't make her child any more entitled to a relationship with the other grandparent
Also is this the only problem that she has with the grandparent? If so she really shouldn't be making issues between her other kids and their gran it's not their fault or her grans it the OP that has the issue

Hallyup5 · 22/03/2021 09:11

It might suck but your eldest child is not related to her and therefore she is absolutely within her right to not send them money for their birthday. I take it your eldest gets nothing from their dad's side of the family? That's your actual issue so don't take it out on your partner's gran.

Residenthere · 22/03/2021 09:12

How awful! Think of how your eldest must feel and send the card back.

Rainbowdino · 22/03/2021 09:12

I don’t think you’re wrong at all, I would be sending the card back. It’s unfair and your eldest will pick up on it, she doesn’t have her dads side of the family by the sound of it so it will breed resentment!

diddl · 22/03/2021 09:12

"But why do they have no involvement?"

Have you not even read Ops postsHmm

thebabessavedme · 22/03/2021 09:13

This shit happens in one part of our very blended family, it makes me really very angry, ffs, its just a card to wish someone (a child) a happy birthday, why be so petty and unpleasant just because of a lack of dna? I send cards to loads of people not actually related to me simply because I like to wish a person a happy birthday.

Jakc · 22/03/2021 09:20

Send them back and do the same every time. She’s nasty

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 22/03/2021 09:20

You can't change how she is- a horrible person but you can change the way you deal with her, which is to ignore her, not make any contact and and not bother letting her see the children. Your partner should've come up with this already. I hate it when people let their families treat their partners like shit and just use the 'I don't like conflict' line. Hopefully she'll just stop sending anything. Your eldest should be grateful she's not related to such a mean spirited person.

Kat70 · 22/03/2021 09:21

I'm wondering if you and your eldest child are a different colour, race, ethnicity etc to nan?
Is this a possible reason for her nasty, horrid behaviour? A really horrible way to treat a child.

30mph · 22/03/2021 09:22

As she is being inconsistent in her treatment of the other grandchildren and non-bio grandchildren, it is obviously personal. She's deliberately being unkind to you and your child. I'd return the card. She can't have it both ways.

My daughter is in a second marriage with step-children, as well as her own. They all get treated the same by me. Because it is the right thing to do. Relationships and love develop over time. But childhood is short. Set the foundations on decent ground.

SongSilkTrainspot · 22/03/2021 09:22

@Teardrop2021

DawnR96 why though shes not her grandchild. Just because you've blended you're family doesn't necessarily mean everyone else views it the same. You could split up and she never see your eldest again. Meeting an older child at the age of 2 is difference to watching your grandchildren grow up from birth.
Place yourself in the child’s shoes. They person who they love as their dad has a family member who ignores her.

Op anyone with an ounce of decency can see this is wrong, do all you can to protect the child from the toxicity of the woman.

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/03/2021 09:25

I voted YANBU, but I do think this is not your decision but your partner’s decision to take as it is his side of the family. I would expect him to send it back though, otherwise it’s just lip service that he thinks the eldest is as much his child as the others.

Tistheseason17 · 22/03/2021 09:25

With their birthdays being only 5 days apart I would not give the card - it's going to hurt DD1.

I would nit return it either.

Ignore and when your younger ones are older you can explain.

Oooohbehave · 22/03/2021 09:28

YANBU. What a horrible woman.

ClarkeGriffin · 22/03/2021 09:31

Come on op the solution is so obvious. She is a spiteful bitch who doesn't like you for whatever reason. She's happy to treat a stepsister better despite not being related to them either.

Send the card back, and get married. Can just be in a registry office with all of your children, but who cares, she just doesn't see you as part of the family. Become part of it officially to annoy her.

And make sure you get a lovely photo with all of your children on your wedding day and send it to her and all other relatives. If she wants to be childish, treat her like a child.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/03/2021 09:33

you cannot force your DP’s gran to accept your child as a grandchild. She isn’t as if she wants to stick to the biological rules then she can.

No, she can't. This isn't her family. She doesn't get to make the rules.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe has this one right: this is one to be taken up by your partner. And she needs to be given a very firm understanding that either she plays by his rules, or she doesn't play. Those are her choices.

No it is not okay to decide you'll single out one child in a large extended family for the freezing-out treatment. They are just children. They don't have the emotional capacity or understanding to deal with a mean-spirited relative the same way adults can. It's rejection, by their own family, and it can be devastating.

I really don't see why so many PPs are of the view that this is perfectly okay. It's unconscionable.

OP, YANBU Flowers

Wannakisstheteacher · 22/03/2021 09:33

These threads are always exactly the same. The biological Dad’s family never have any contact so the Step Dad’s family are strong armed into treating the children exactly the same or they get cut out. When it’s a Step Mother though, it is totally accepted that she wouldn’t treat her SDC the same as her actual DC.