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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my partners nans card back

397 replies

DawnR96 · 21/03/2021 23:06

For background: I have 3 children, 2 of which are my partners biological children whereas my eldest is not. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and 3very single year without fail, his gran will send his biological kids a birthday card and money but never my eldest. This hurts, my partner has taken on my eldest like his own, he's been around since she was 2 years old. Everyone in his family accepts that she is part of the family but not his gran.

She's been told before how upsetting this is and always makes an excuse. Last year she was told by both my partner and his dad about how much this upsets us but once again, she's done it.

Am I within my right to send back the card and explain that I would rather nothing at all from her unless she accepts that my 9 year old is part of the family.

Ive never done anything to upset her, I've always been kind and fair but for some reason, she really doesn't like me or my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
DawnR96 · 22/03/2021 08:18

@JosephineBaker

While to you, you’re a family, that’s not necessarily how she sees it. Dd1 is her grandson’s girlfriend’s child which is a pretty remote relationship from her.

If I’ve correctly followed your posts, DD1 is 5, so you are 20 and have 3 children under 5 and aren’t married. Her generation can be more rigid (judgemental) about that stuff, so perhaps she doesn’t see your family as the permanent stable unit that you do.

I’d been with DP for 10 years before we had children and his gran still didn’t regard us as a proper family until we married.

I'm 24, I have an 8, 4 and 3 year old. I understand that view completely, I don't agree with it but she is absolutely fine with other non-bio grandchildren who are from unmarried parents. It is a different generation but I don't think it's fair to be so mean 😔
OP posts:
Original poster
DawnR96 · 22/03/2021 08:20

I have slept on it. I think it's so upsetting because it's not really about the cards. It's about how we're treated differently and quite harshly compared to the rest of his family, even members who have had children out of wedlock.

I'm not going to send back the cards but I will not have anything to do with her. Her behaviour towards me and my daughter is actually foul and there is zero excuses for it. Thanks all xx

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/03/2021 08:21

I'm baffled at the posters saying, "But, but... it's not her grandchild, is it?" ... You'd have to be quite stupid to not understand this very simple thing that treating children differently is just plain wrong. Hmm

====

Sorry OP. You're not wrong. Your partner is allowing a relative to dismiss a child that he has treated as his own. Relative is completely in the wrong. Your partner needs to point blank tell relative that this unfair treatment will not continue and she either treats all of the children the same with cards/gifts - or just stops.

Have you or he told anybody else in the family? I imagine they'd be quite shocked.

OllyBJolly · 22/03/2021 08:26

Quite frankly I feel like if you can't accept my whole family as family, then I don't want anything from you

YABU. You can't force other relatives to see it this way. It's her choice whether to see this child as her kin. She doesn't. I have no expectation that my DH's family see my DCs as theirs. They have GPs/Aunts/Uncles/Cousins totally unrelated to DH's family.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/03/2021 08:27

... and this 'not married' stigma. Bollocks to that. It's been going on as long as time that women have had babies out of wedlock. Nothing new about it - and who ever criticises the 'father' for it?

Why are some posters making excuses for somebody who is treating other children (born out of wedlock) as mattering - whilst OP's child does not? I'm not as shocked that an elderly person might do this, but am flabbergasted that (presumably) mothers on a parenting site would be falling over themselves to understand and justify it to the OP.

How much more stable a relationship is there than between a mother and her child? FFS.

PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 08:27

I don't think its fair for the child who did receive a card to send it back. Maybe don't put it on display with the others.

It is an awful way to treat a child though. Could your OH remind her of the left out child's birthday next year? To give her no excuse? Does the child who doesn't get one notice they are excluded?

I think OH needs to put his foot down and say if eldest isn't welcomed into the family then no children will be attending family gatherings with her as that will hurt more than a card.

Alsohuman · 22/03/2021 08:30

I'm not as shocked that an elderly person might do this, but am flabbergasted that (presumably) mothers on a parenting site would be falling over themselves to understand and justify it to the OP.

Except they haven’t. We know it’s how some people behave. Regardless of how wrong it is, the reality is that it happens and in this case it’s unlikely to change.

Sundances · 22/03/2021 08:30

If it's only your family treated like this then it is to do with her relationship with DH. There is something going on there for her. Probably from his childhood.

I doubt you will get to the bottom of it. But if you ignore it you can see it as supporting DH rather than getting at DGM

Sarahandco · 22/03/2021 08:31

She is not obliged to but she should. I would say look, I am sorry but it is a card for all or a card for none. If your eldest was 18 or something I would say forget it, but 9 ? they should all be treated the same.

HeadNorth · 22/03/2021 08:31

She sounds vile. I wouldn't go to the trouble of sending the card back - just bin it and forget it. A tenner is no big deal - you can give the older one a tenner on her birthday if you want to keep it even, but personally I would just put any money from her into the family coffers for everyone and not give the woman a second's headspace.

m0therofdragons · 22/03/2021 08:33

If dc’s grandparents on father’s side were involved and sending eldest a card would you feel less bad? I understand your upset but she’s brought her blood family cards and doesn’t see your dc as her family. I think that’s easily explained as dc knows he has other extended family surely so pretending otherwise is possibly not realistic although convenient. How about if dc dad was a millionaire buying him the latest iPhone and designer clothes and you order dc didn’t get that? Blended families are complex and getting upset is unnecessary.

minniemoocher · 22/03/2021 08:33

It's very bad of her but you have to just accept she has a chip on her shoulder about you, your dd is an extension of it. She must be elderly to her a great grandmother so I would just chalk it up to her being a grumpy old woman. I know your dd doesn't have much biodad contact but that will be extra to whatever you get her so I wouldn't over think money in a card, it's not worth the anger. We had a similar situation and they did accept the non bio dd eventually but took time

AppleJane · 22/03/2021 08:34

The novelty of grandchildren had worn off by the time I came along. Children do notice being treated differently.

If she has no obligation to send all a card then you have no obligation to pass them on!

It's your DP's issue to sort out. Maybe he's afraid of losing an inheritance.

BabyYoda · 22/03/2021 08:34

Of course she’s not obligated to send anything to your eldest but she is deliberately excluding your child and whatever her reasons I think anyone who could be that petty and horrible to a child is better off away from all of them. Sounds like she enjoys upsetting people. Your husband has spoken to her so she’s had the opportunity to stop doing it but has continued knowing she’s causing upset. Some people are just dicks 🤷‍♀️

diddl · 22/03/2021 08:36

She's not obliged to seeOp's eldest as her GGGC, but if we're only talking about a card & a fiver, seems really mean to exclude her.

Does she send you cards, Op?

Is it you that she dislikes?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/03/2021 08:37

Alsohuman, Yes. They have done exactly that. How can you (generic you) twist the fact that other children in the family born to parents not married, receive acknowledgement/fair treatment - and OP's child is excluded?

We all know that nasty, unfair things happen but why do some make excuses for them and attempt bonkers explanations as to why this might be?

Would you be as laissez-faire about this if it were your child? I know that I wouldn't be.

justilou1 · 22/03/2021 08:38

I think she's a bitch and all correspondence needs to be returned, and all calls need to go to voicemail. She's making a statement and your biggest problem is your DH not supporting you.

PandaFluff · 22/03/2021 08:38

Actually, how old is nan? Is it possible she genuinely forgets each time? In which case a reminder might help? She might remember the others for some reason but not yours especially if you don't see her much.

angieloumc · 22/03/2021 08:38

It is very wrong of her but try not to give her any head space. I wouldn't send the card back as then she'll know she's bothering you. She's obviously judging you for having your child so young which is awful but just the way some people are. I had my first child quite young too and my ex's family blamed me and not him 😳
Just ignore her from now on, that will annoy her more than a reaction.

loveheartss · 22/03/2021 08:39

Aww it's just mean isn't it, especially when your child is still so young.

Not something I would do OP, I would look on your family as there are 3 children within it but not everyone is reasonable or particularly pleasant.

You are not wrong to feel hurt by it. It's never nice to feel excluded, no matter the reason.

I think your partner needs to have a chat with her, and just say that even though she doesn't view eldest as a member of HER family she is a member of HIS family and he would appreciate it if she treated all of them equally.

BrumBoo · 22/03/2021 08:39

Why are some posters making excuses for somebody who is treating other children (born out of wedlock) as mattering - whilst OP's child does not?

Which suggests this is about the grandmother only thinking of the biological children as her own grandchildren, which is mean from the perspective of many on here but is not completely unreasonable when looking at it in black and white. She is sending her grandchildren a card, she isn't sending one to a child who isn't related to her. I'm not saying I agree with it, but I also don't believe anyone can demand a familial relationship with someone they're not related to either.

Alsohuman · 22/03/2021 08:40

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Alsohuman, Yes. They have done exactly that. How can you (generic you) twist the fact that other children in the family born to parents not married, receive acknowledgement/fair treatment - and OP's child is excluded?

We all know that nasty, unfair things happen but why do some make excuses for them and attempt bonkers explanations as to why this might be?

Would you be as laissez-faire about this if it were your child? I know that I wouldn't be.

Except nobody’s made excuses. Accepting reality isn’t the same thing.
FamilyOfAliens · 22/03/2021 08:43

@m0therofdragons

If dc’s grandparents on father’s side were involved and sending eldest a card would you feel less bad? I understand your upset but she’s brought her blood family cards and doesn’t see your dc as her family. I think that’s easily explained as dc knows he has other extended family surely so pretending otherwise is possibly not realistic although convenient. How about if dc dad was a millionaire buying him the latest iPhone and designer clothes and you order dc didn’t get that? Blended families are complex and getting upset is unnecessary.
I wish people would RTFT or at least the OP’s posts, where she explains the great-grandma has other great-grandchildren who aren’t blood relatives, and whose parents aren’t married, and she doesn’t exclude them. Just the OP’s DD.

This is horrible behaviour from her but sadly I’ve seen it before in my extended family. It never ends well.

Notnownotneverever · 22/03/2021 08:43

It is awful. But you cannot force your DP’s gran to accept your child as a grandchild. She isn’t as if she wants to stick to the biological rules then she can. It’s unkind but not incorrect as such. But I don’t think you have a right to interfere in your other children’s relationship with their grandparent. They will see her for what she is over time but don’t make yourself the bad guy. The gran is doing that by herself so leave her to it. Show grace and just reassure your eldest that it doesn’t matter.

Greenrubber · 22/03/2021 08:44

@DawnR96

Does your child biological granparents/family get your 2 youngest anything?
I don't understand the upset with things like this your other child has a whole other family and your husbands family really has nothing to do with your previous life
It's great your husband has taken your kid on like his own but his family don't have to.
Some people will happily take othe rkids under their wing I always buy my brothers stepchildren birthday and Xmas presents but it is grudged I only do it to keep the peace I don't see them as family to me and I don't feel guilty about how I feel
Your child has a loving family and has siblings who love them who cares what someone else's gran does your child knows it's not his gran why would he care