To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

I'd add

PS I am hoping to move to Cornwall/Scotland/West Wales in a couple of months, but rest assured he will be perfectly cared for for life.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

There is absolutely a truth in the fact that I have brought this on myself. I up to now have not in a way that cannot be misconstrued told her to leave me alone. I've made jokey comments and hinted at it

"haha yes im terrible at responding my general average response is once every 6 months even if I know you really well"
"god no. I dont even message my brother that much to check hes still alive"
"haha not sure id say stalker wouldnt you have to follow me home but yeah defo crazy"

I suppose I feel that I should do a polite go away and if that doesnt work escalate to a blunt go away and a block.

I suppose im a bit scared not of her as such but of her plastering drama all over facebook. Shes obviously got my name and rough location now and probably my address (I work from home so if shes googled my number she'll have the address). I'm a bit lot of a conflict avoider so this is a nightmare for me.

I'm absolute convinced, from experience, that avoiding conflict creates conflict.

Nip it in the bud.

I've just seen your example message it's too sympathetic and will just open further discourse. It needs to be clear she needs to cease all contact and to stop going to extreme lengths to trace YOUR horse.

Sorry @BlueEyesWhiteDragon I'm team crazy horse lady.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back for most people was the 104 messages.

This gives the impression she's blowing up your phone. However, from your latest post, it's clear that the reality of the situation is that you've replied to the majority of them. She's not obsessively sending you messages despite not getting a reply, she's engaged in a conversation with you.

It's like me saying 'omg my friend is so obsessed with me, they sent me 100 messages last month' and neglecting to mention I'd replied to most of them because we were having a conversation.

I also really feel for her. She's desperate to see the horse she loved for 9 years (and clearly ever since) and thought she'd be able to see him forever when she regretfully sold him.

I get that as a buyer it's not want you wanted, and of course you're under no obligation to let her see him. But honestly... let her see the horse. He's literally standing in a field all day. He'd probably be glad of the attention.

I hope your yard is secure. I’d be worried that she’ll still drive around to look for him. Definitely don’t agree to meet up - it would be sending her the wrong message.

I don't know horses but I do know people. Don't give her an inch.

@greatauntfanny but OP has been gradually tailing off responses, and has only responded to 3 out of 17 in March.

The situation will get out of hand is contact is allowed with the horse.

Still too harsh?

“Dear A, I have been happy to provide you with assurance that Horse is safe and well but I will not be providing you with my address not the address of his stable. I did not agree to sharing my details with you and I do not agree to you and C visiting Horse. My privacy is important to me and I must now request that you stop badgering me as it is making me uncomfortable.”

Hope your FB settings don't reveal the town you live in. It wouldn't be hard for her to contact all the possible places the horse could be within the area. Her message sounds like she already knows vaguely where you are, so I'd be contacting the yard to let them know not to give any strangers access or to give out any personal information.
I'm torn - she might just be a woman who desperately misses her horse, but equally she could be a total loon. 100 + messages is leaning towards the loon side!

I think that's a perfect response, it's to the point but still pleasant.

For those saying it's too wishy washy, I don't think being overly blunt is going to either put this woman's mind at rest, or stop her hassling op. Lots of perfectly lovely and previously valuable horses end up in the downwards spiral of musical homes, usually ending at low end sales, and she's already watched hers start on that path.

I'm also not convinced hiding the yard address would help. I've always kept mine at home so I've never gone searching them all out. But I could still recognise any from photos, and if I wanted to find out where any local horse was stabled I could do so easily enough.

@category12

I'd say something like - "You must realise you've sent me 104 messages since October and this is over the top and I am finding it uncomfortable. I don't wish to continue with contact with you. Horse is healthy & happy and I have no intention of selling on but I will keep your details in case I ever do wish to sell. Now I must ask you to stop contacting me, and if you do continue, I will view it as harassment and act accordingly."

Send this it’s perfect. If you leave the door even slightly open she’ll elbow through it. Don’t tell her where the horse is or she’ll keep turning up. Every time you go to the yard she will have ‘popped by’, ‘been in the neighbourhood’ or ‘worried you haven’t responded’.

I’d also be cross at the girl who gave her your email address. You don’t just handover someone else’s contact details!

In fact, reading your later posts about how you know he isn't the horse of 'your life' like you know he is hers but he best meets your requirements at this time... and she's offering to buy... I think for the sake of both her and the horse who would clearly receive a huge amount of fuss and love I'd sell him to her and find another horse to meet my requirements. I know I'm in the minority here and people will go 'why should OP have to sell and go through the both of finding a new horse!?' and all I can say is what I've said above

But OP is only replying because the former owner is intimidating her. She blocked contact and then the ex owner posted about wanting to know his whereabouts relentlessly on Facebook (despite the fact she did know his whereabouts) and then went looking for his information from the passport office. This is stalking.

OP this is your message

Name, I appreciate T was your horse and you loved him, but you gave up all rights to him when he was sold. Your messages became intense and too much, and so I blocked you. You then started a campaign to trace him which I found intimidating, so I resumed contact. Enough is enough. He is my horse, and will remain my horse til he dies. I am blocking your number now. If you contact me again or use external agencies or social media to trace my horse's whereabouts I will consider it harassment. To be clear, you have caused this, I was willing to allow you to have some access to MY horse until you became unreasonable and intense. Rest assured he is loved, leads a happy life and always will.

A normal person wouldn't text you that she is around and if you don't give her address she will just drive around, maybe she will do everything to find your house. Tell her to stop

@Sirzy

She had him for 9 years. The fact the poor horse has been passed from pillar to post since then probably makes he feel even worse that she had to rehome him for whatever reason.

Personally I would make it clear I had no intention of selling but that it was ok for her to visit occasionally as long as she lets you know in advance

I would do this too. She obviously loves him, and probably was forced to sell for financial reasons. I imagine she is scared he will ( like so many ) get sold on, and on, and then end his days horribly. Why does it matter if she visits him once in a while ? He may love her too.

@greatauntfanny what about some empathy for the OP, who’s had a hard time?

OP has said horse is adored, that’s plenty.

Its more than 104 if you count the replies (as its 104 opening messages) but yes in the beginning I absolutely responded more often than not. Since my life imploded in December I've ignored her more than I've replied but I accept she probably thinks shes giving me a helpful nudge because im super busy and not answered her which I why I need to say something.

I think the bottom line is I don't want her visiting because I feel shes too intense which is a result of the number of messages. I felt obligated to reply to them because of the number. Thats on me. I should have shut it down when I first got irritated rather than trying to phase it out.

Yes he might be standing in a field all day but hes MY horse. I dont want her turning up, catching him, feeding him, giving him a groom, taking him for a ride. And thats what I think shell push to do. Shes hinted at it already. Thats what I want to be doing with him. I want him to bond with me.

Agree with pps. He is your horse now, and this woman has crossed the line with badgering you so much. 104 messages is terrible. I know she is pining for him, but she did let him go and now he is yours. FFS don't let her know your address @BlueEyesWhiteDragon

you dont need to send photos a few tines a yr.
also I would'nt suggest she'd get first refusal.
otherwise message is fine ; maybe add the ampunt of messages sent since october, make her realise its a bit ' bat shit crazy'

I feel bad for her... the messaging is a bit excessive, but it sounds like maybe she believes she has a friendship with you from your shared love/relationship with this horse.

I would be tempted to let her see the horse. It might be the closure she needs. I'm not a horsey person though, so I'm not really sure what the problem is with her visiting the horse now and then and what harm that would really cause...

A friend of mine had to give her beloved cat away after moving in with her boyfriend who was allergic. She ended up giving the cat to someone who happens to also be a friend of mine (but the two don't know each other as are from different friend groups) Anyway, my friend who took the cat in sends updates/photos and has had the other friend over her house to see the cat. It's been like 6 years now and the invitation to visit is always open. I think its nice when people bond over an animal.

My Daughter owns horses and I lost my old fella a year and a half ago. I think your reply is a good one, and the odd photo when you feel up to it, but you have to ask yourself, what if she thinks you are not looking after him the right way?

I have read threads where horse owners quickly formed packs galvanised to go in and remove horses that do not belong to them.

Conversely, the horse community can be a good thing too, as recently a former local moved away with a trial horse without paying for it, and the horse owner had her new address within the hour, some 4 hours drive away...

The previous owner of my fella caused me a lot of strife as well, Which considering he was a welfare case by the time I received him, left my equine vet, farrier and myself just stunned at the vitriol that came my way and caused division with people who I thought were friends and people who clearly had no idea and never saw the horse unrugged under the previous owner's care.

So from my experience, don't ever let on your address and be aware of ''new'' horse friends trying to get in your inner circle. Put some cameras up if you are not on-site, I use Arlo Pro 2 which reports back to my mobile.

Definitely don’t let her visit. If she knows where you live she’ll be round pestering you all the time. I think you need to draw a line under this. Tell her he’s your horse now, he’s well cared for, and you want to bond with him and you don’t want to engage with her further. Then block block block.

Good luck op. It must be very stressful. I don't think you should let her visit your horse. If you ever do, take the horse to a public place don't invite her to your home or yard

@greatauntfanny

In fact, reading your later posts about how you know he isn't the horse of 'your life' like you know he is hers but he best meets your requirements at this time... and she's offering to buy... I think for the sake of both her and the horse who would clearly receive a huge amount of fuss and love I'd sell him to her and find another horse to meet my requirements. I know I'm in the minority here and people will go 'why should OP have to sell and go through the both of finding a new horse!?' and all I can say is what I've said above

I am a horse person and I agree 100% with this. Sell her the horse for god's sake and get yourself another one.

Or even better, tell her to shortlist some horses for you of a similar temperament and if she finds one that is to your satisfaction she can buy him/her for you.

I sold my first horse when I left my parents' home 35 years ago and my heart still breaks when I think about him. Be kind.

If you love the horse, why do you refer to him as a thing?