Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

1000 replies

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 20:42

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

OP posts:

ThereOnceWasANote · 21/03/2021 23:40

Once she's knows where T is and how isolated the stable is, I think she will feel entitled to visit whenever she likes. I can't imagine she would steal him or hurt him, but I think you could expect a constant stream of messages with suggestions for how to look after him better. Just send a polite message saying that you don't want her to visit - no need to explain why - and then block her.

Sorka · 21/03/2021 23:41

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. However right now I would like to focus on building the bond between him and me for the future rather than looking back on the past. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal. Take care x

I cross posted with you. This is too soft and leaves the door open for her to keep contacting you.

Don’t ask her how she is - it invites a response and you want her to go away.

Remove ‘I have a lot on at the moment’ because she’ll just keep trying until she finds a better time and you say yes.

Offering to send her pictures of him is nice of you but again leaves the door open for continued contact so I wouldn’t say that either.

I would also explicitly tell her to stop texting you.

Original poster

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 23:41

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me. I am happy to move to the more usual contact a couple of times a year (like I have with the old owners of my other horses) but nothing more than that. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here but in the unlikely event I need to sell him I will contact you to let you know. Take care x

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 21/03/2021 23:41

@HarmonyHedges maybe you should ‘be kind’ to OP who has said she’s had a hard time of it since her world imploded?!

My theory is that the ‘be kind’ brigade are not so kind themselves.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2021 23:48

Sounds as if she really likes the horse. And you don't sound that attached. Just let her see her old pet. It would be cruel not to.

OysterMonkey · 21/03/2021 23:49

@Defmy

'I'm glad to be able to reassure you that X is happy, well loved and cared for. On reflection, I'm not comfortable giving out my address so I won't be doing that. I also need to make some space in my life for other committments and it's time for us to draw a line under these messages now due to the volume of contact. If X is ever available for sale, I will let you know but this is unlikely to happen. All the best.'

This is perfect.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2021 23:49

Read your message. It sounds perfect.

Original poster

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 23:51

Pretty sure I haven't referred to him as thing have I?

I do love him. Just because he doesn't hold the special place in my heart that my old girl did/does doesn't mean I don't think hes amazing. I searched for 6 months to find a horse I felt as comfortable on as I do him. I sat on him and knew he was perfect for what I needed. She can't offer market value for him so if I sell him to her I cannot then buy myself another especially with the craziness that is horse prices at the moment so I would be selling him back to her and leaving myself unable to ride which tbh as unkind as that may make me I am not willing to do.

OP posts:

Iwillgotothegym · 21/03/2021 23:52

Really good message, blunt, firm and reassuring about the horse’s welfare.

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 21/03/2021 23:52

Who is 'C'? Is this a child of hers who had the horse for 9 years?

HarryPottersBawbag · 21/03/2021 23:55

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

Pretty sure I haven't referred to him as thing have I?

and why should you? Enjoy your horse, don't do what pp suggested and get her to find you another horse so you can sell him back! Enjoy him, he sounds like he has a fab life with you and will do till his last. Send your message, block and focus on your life.

Original poster

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 23:57

C is another previous owner of T.

C and A live close to each other and A had a lot of contact with C whilst she owned T.

So many letters! Given how outing this must be already if you are any of the parties involved im not sure why im bothering :)

OP posts:

OysterMonkey · 22/03/2021 00:00

You’ve added in :

I am happy to move to the more usual contact a couple of times a year (like I have with the old owners of my other horses)

Are you sure about that?
It seems to contradict the bit above where you say they can’t visit?
(Which I think is correct by the way - I think you’d be nuts to let her near T)

bringbackfonzi · 22/03/2021 00:01

You called him 'something' a couple of times.

Original poster

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 22/03/2021 00:02

Just to answer another post. I absolutely feel she would be unhappy with the way I keep him. Not because he is not well looked after (IMO) because he is but because it is a very different style of horse management to what she did. I don't know what she would do with that.

I've made comments in passing about how I keep them but I can see if she rocked up to the field and he is covered head to toe in dirt because he's been rolling in the mud patch by the pond, and its raining but hes still out and not in a rug because hes a hairy monster that she might find that difficult to deal with and want to fix it.

OP posts:

GreenSlide · 22/03/2021 00:03

@greatauntfanny

In fact, reading your later posts about how you know he isn't the horse of 'your life' like you know he is hers but he best meets your requirements at this time... and she's offering to buy... I think for the sake of both her and the horse who would clearly receive a huge amount of fuss and love I'd sell him to her and find another horse to meet my requirements. I know I'm in the minority here and people will go 'why should OP have to sell and go through the both of finding a new horse!?' and all I can say is what I've said above

Fuck that, I wouldn't be selling any horse of mine to a crazy person.

TheHateIsNotGood · 22/03/2021 00:08

And so Schad I agree - if done well, methinks it might benefit Horse to know that they weren't 'abandoned' after all.

Might seem a bit anthropomorphic but really all we animals have feeelz, no matter what kind we are - human, horse and ......

OnSecondThoughts · 22/03/2021 00:12

Is this a thing with horses? I mean I suppose I can understand in a way, they're large, intelligent creatures and I guess you'd develop an attachment to them, but surely once you've sold one, it's no longer any of your business? I certainly would not let a previous owner know my address, definitely not one who sends you 100+ messages!

Sunsetslippers · 22/03/2021 00:14

Definitely agree with your response! Hopefully she will get the message and ease off

TheHateIsNotGood · 22/03/2021 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lookout198991 · 22/03/2021 00:19

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Yes, send your latest message. I wouldn't soften the blow by mentioning continuing contact a couple of times a year, but seems like you are set on that and I suppose if she doesn't take the message you can always be harsher in any future response. I would delete 'the more usual' - unnecessary as you go on to compare and perhaps a little harsher than you want to be implying her contact levels are unusual (although they are!).

You have been very kind - you wouldn't be agonising over this if you weren't. You owe her nothing more. I'm an animal lover and also have sympathy for her but the suggestion you might actually sell your own horse who is perfect for your needs is crazy to me - surely no one would prioritise a (slightly odd and scary) stranger over themselves for something as big as this! It's irrelevant whether he is your soulmate of a horse or not so I wouldn't trouble yourself over that.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 22/03/2021 00:20

I am actually wondering if the real reason this poor horse has been through so many homes in the past 4 years is because everyone he goes to gets harassed in this manner

Im thinking so
The poor horse has a crazy ex lol

Pantsomime · 22/03/2021 00:21

Hi OP I’d guilt her and say you appreciate that she loves him but is making you feel like you’ve stolen him and are questioning your treatment of him. You are the Legal owner, he wasn’t even a present you paid for him, love him and treat him well. Say you are uncomfortable about her visiting given the amount of messages she has sent to you and nature of her FB posts. Tell her you will let her know if your circumstances change and need to sell him. Wish her well.

Cushionsnotpillows · 22/03/2021 00:23

OP you need to amend/clarify what you mean by "contact" in you're reply. If you mean photos and an email you need to say this or she will claim you meant 2 contact visits a year to "her" horse.
I do think your message is a bit too soft and nicely nicey but this point above is the worst part where she could plaster this over fb claiming you said she could see the horse twice a year.

Original poster

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 22/03/2021 00:34

By contact I mean text so yes that's not clear. I'll change that.

Nope not called him something. I referred to a generic something I was looking to buy in my first post. Not sures its a hill worth dying on though!

I don't judge how anyone keeps there horses as long as their welfare needs are met. Its not a muddy field though although suspect that might be her judgement of it. Incidentally why do you mean by the right way for her to meet him so he knows he wasn't abandoned. I know horses can recognise people they have known from long ago and also old herd members but how would meeting her as a one off help him realise he wasn't abandoned. Wouldn't he just feel abandoned again when she didn't come back? Genuinely interested if you have links or studies somewhere.

Anyway as I have to be up at 6am I am going to head to bed and resolve it all tomorrow :)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 39 40

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is not accepting new messages.

Swipe left for the next trending thread