To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

I hope you have had very strong words with the girl who passed her your contact details. Huge breach of your privacy. Let her know that if Owner A ever tries to contact you through her, or asks for any further details about you , that you will take it very badly if she complies, and that if it happens she is to tell you so that you can deal with it.

Never give her your address.

I am actually wondering if the real reason this poor horse has been through so many homes in the past 4 years is because everyone he goes to gets harassed in this manner.

If you really do intend to keep him forever (and he deserves that!) then draw a firm line under this situation now.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. However right now I would like to focus on building the bond between him and me for the future rather than looking back on the past. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal. Take care x

I think this is v good. Would suggest a couple of tweaks:

• change question mark to full stop after 'Hope you are too?'. You are not really interested in how she is and don't want a response.
• delete 'and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer'. You don't need to explain why you're not comfortable with it and risks her coming back saying "I just need one visit to say goodbye".
• I would delete 'I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if'. and say 'So I'm afraid I won't be able to send any more updates or reply to any messages'. I do think you need to be firm on this to make it clear that you don't want her to initiate any further contact. I also think it's maybe cleaner and clearer for her to think there will be no contact rather than waiting for her annual updates.

@Iwillgotothegym

I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer

I cross posted with you. I think most of the letter is good. I am afraid you need to be more blunt. You don’t owe her an explanation and this wording allows her to promise that she really will only visit once. She may also try further contact after Covid as you may not be busy then. Maybe you can say you will send pictures twice a year but if she makes contact you will need to end contact with her altogether.

I agree with this - don't put in things she can argue or make promises about. I wouldn't put in the how are you either - this message isn't about continuing a dialogue with her, this is telling her no and shutting her down.

Horsey here too! Joining in with the chorus of 104 messages in 6 months is OTT. Don't let her come and see him, she'll be turning up unannounced for ever afterwards to stick her oar in give him a carrot and cry in his mane if you do.

You'll end up having to move yards because of it.

Sadly I think you'll need to get tough with her and tell her to stop messaging you, you'll be in touch as and when it suits you a couple of times a year. She does sound nuts.
I've sold a few I've either bred or bought in to keep other youngsters company, I'm always delighted to get updates from the current owners, but I don't consider it my right. One of them, the new owners haven't been in touch and I do wonder how he is, I could write a letter to be passed on, but I think that's pushing it to be honest.

We have a small herd and are in touch with all their old owners. But one lady was a bit much. We bought a rather spirited Welsh cob from her that had destroyed her confidence for our teenage DD and she couldn't let go. She didn't work so she would turn up at the yard three or four days a week and hang about for hours sometimes waiting for me or DD to arrive. If she found out DDD had a lesson, she would turn up to watch. It got to the point where my DD was in tears as she felt the pony wasn't hers at all. We let it go as we were shortly moving quite a drive away to an equestrian property where we could keep all our ponies at home. And she was nowhere near as obsessed as this woman. She is positively unhinged, OP, and I would find it quite worrying that she sends a message saying she is coming to visit and give her the address. No "Can I come and visit?" I wouldn't trust him not to try and take him either. Even if your MH was in the best state, this woman is a nightmare, if you are feeling low, she is going to make your life hell.

I'm starting to think you are the author of your own misfortune to some extent. You are giving her hope! That message will just raise her hope of getting him back some day. From that she will feel justified in pestering you to see him. You don't seem to have taken anyone's advice to be blunt and block her on board at all. Sorry but you will only have yourself to blame for her continued harassment if you send that message. Why are you saying that you hope she's well? Why do you care? Why say you will give her first refusal if you sell? She's not going to go away if you do that. Honestly this is very frustrating.

The 'driving aimlessly around' comment sounds as if she has a fair idea of where you/your horse are. I'm assuming that passport is somewhere safe and he's micro-chipped. It should be enough to know that he's somewhere safe, and she really needs to leave it at that. It's really nice to see dd's old pony with a new small jockey via Facebook, and likewise I have current pony's old owner on fb too. Contact by all 3 of us is limited to the liking of photos. You sell a horse, it's gone. It's not your problem.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. However right now I would like to focus on building the bond between him and me for the future rather than looking back on the past. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal. Take care x

Too wishy washy! I know you are truong to be nice but this is a stalker!!
You sound too apologetic, which she will take to mean that you might change your mind and keep pestering you.

I would go for something stronger.

I have received all your messages, of which there have been many. As the new owner of (horse) I cannot permit any visits. Any agreement that you had with xxx does not apply to me as he has been sold on a number of times.

In the unlikely event that I decide to sell (Horse) I will contact you to see if you wish buy him.

If you persist in contacting me again, then I will have no alternative but to seek legal action

I adore my horse
Therefore I would not sell her
She is old now, and doesn’t event anymore but I shall keep her until she dies. Perhaps I shall get another then , but I will decide hopefully in a good few years
Some people treat horses differently, when they no longer suit their purpose they sell.
If they sell they say goodbye, the end. Some horses are treated well, some not. You don’t get the option to keep checking up
Enjoy your horse OP, I knew the first time I sat on mine she was a keeper. Think part of me will die when she does
No way is she going to a happy hacker home, she deserves more for the 10 years of thrills we had.
She can happily hack with me, occasional optional jump 😊

Sorry that I haven't read the entire thread, but your reply needs to be short, sharp and brief. Shorter than it currently is. 107 messages is harrasment IMO! You have reassurent her the horse is fine. I'd be concerned that 1 visit, becomes 2 then suddenly its 107!!!!

Don't use covid as an excuse because she will expect to visit later on! You don't need to explain why she can't come at all! If anything, say it might upset her and/or the horse. DON'T give out your addres or ever let her visit! Don't include anything about if things change with your situation, you will let her know. Bonkers! She will continue to harrass you to see if things have changed. Cut if off NOW!!! Send the message and block her from FB and your phone.

The only thing I'd add is if you do block her make sure you keep a friend on the horsey Facebook groups ready to comment on and shut down any "where's my horse, owner not kept in touch" bullshit posts. We've got one like this on our (massive) local group that appears in cycles, luckily everybody ignores her now without anyone having to explain.

YANBU, OP, the level of entitlement in her message would make me very uneasy. Also, maybe it will unsettle T? (I don’t know much about horses!)

I think your message is great except for the last line, don’t offer to send pictures, she will latch on to that.

T has moved on, she needs to as well.

You need to be blunter.

I think she sounds like she has very bad anxiety and she has worked herself in to a frenzy worrying about the horse. she obviously feels high amounts of guilt too. I'd let her see him once away from the stable and make it clear that that's it and offer to send her yearly photos. I think if she sees him once she may be able to put her mind at rest.

Too wishy washy! I know you are truong to be nice but this is a stalker!!
You sound too apologetic, which she will take to mean that you might change your mind and keep pestering you.

I would go for something stronger.

I have received all your messages, of which there have been many. As the new owner of (horse) I cannot permit any visits. Any agreement that you had with xxx does not apply to me as he has been sold on a number of times.
In the unlikely event that I decide to sell (Horse) I will contact you to see if you wish buy him.

If you persist in contacting me again, then I will have no alternative but to seek legal action

I think this is too strong at this point. The OP hasn't asked her to back off, she's been nice. So - as nuts as the other woman is, as far as I know, she hasn't told her not to contact her.

The OP's message is great. If the old owner carries on contacting after, then a stronger email is required.

Sending a stroppy email now may make things harder than they need be. I'd give her a chance to back off from a friendly email first.

I’d be blunter:

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too.

I've given it a lot of thought and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. The number of messages from you has been too much for me and I am forced to ask you not to contact me again.

Please rest assured that T is absolutely adored and well looked after and he will live out the rest of his days here.

This is the last message I will be sending you.

My edited version of your note:

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of thought and I'm not comfortable sharing my address with strangers. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here.Take care x

Wow that sounds like A LOT! 😯 I sold my horse when I started uni and asked them to let me know if they were ever selling him. They didn’t and advertised him online. A friend saw his advert and sent me it. I was still at uni at the time and was in no position to buy him back but I’d missed him so much and didn’t want him going to anyone else so agreed to buy him back, set the price she was looking for etc. The day before going to get him the woman messaged saying he was already away to someone else and then completely ignored any messages from me. All I wanted to know was where he’d gone so I could at least buy him after they had finished with him but she wouldn’t tell me that. Eventually years down the line my sister decided to surprise me and posted on Facebook looking for him and managed to track him down. We finally bought him back and still have him today aged 21 😊

So I can see it from the other side but what this girl seems to be doing is non stop! At no point during any of the time of my horse was away did I ever go to visit him, it wouldn’t have been fair. Especially to continually expect to visit. Almost like having ownership over the horse without actually owning it! If you do tell her where your horse is I would make it clear it can be one visit and say whether or not you’d be willing to sell him on in the future. If she continues on beyond that and is sending you constant messages that’s definitely harassment 😕

I agree with those saying the message is too long and gives her too much chance to negotiate.

I would reply telling her you feel uncomfortable with the amount of texts so you don't wish to share your address and tell her that you are blocking her and not to try and contact you through any means again.

Good luck op. It all sounds very draining.

Tell her the horse is dead, post some vacuum dust and that’ll be the end of it.

Dear Stalker (insert name) T is loved and well-cared for. The agreement you say you had with a previous owner does not transfer as a condition for my ownership. You do not have my permission to visit him. Consequently I will not reply to any more messages from you. Do not contact me on this matter again. I have been more than fair in the replies I have already made to your very numerous messages so far.

You needed to confront this more directly some time ago, and your clear and direct final message needs to clearly state that if after this last message she keeps trying to trace the horse "which is MINE not YOURS" via Facebook or the horse passport people, you will reply to the posts publicly asking her to stop harassing you and take it further if needs be.

There is absolutely a truth in the fact that I have brought this on myself. I up to now have not in a way that cannot be misconstrued told her to leave me alone. I've made jokey comments and hinted at it

"haha yes im terrible at responding my general average response is once every 6 months even if I know you really well"
"god no. I dont even message my brother that much to check hes still alive"
"haha not sure id say stalker wouldnt you have to follow me home but yeah defo crazy"

I suppose I feel that I should do a polite go away and if that doesnt work escalate to a blunt go away and a block.

I suppose im a bit scared not of her as such but of her plastering drama all over facebook. Shes obviously got my name and rough location now and probably my address (I work from home so if shes googled my number she'll have the address). I'm a bit lot of a conflict avoider so this is a nightmare for me.

@Thelovecats69

Tell her the horse is dead, post some vacuum dust and that’ll be the end of it.

Hahaha! Oh Jesus Christ 😂😂😂

Seriously OP, don't send your text. Some people on this thread have given excellent suggestions. Take it as an opportunity to flex your "fuck off" muscles.

Some people need to be told in no uncertain terms or they will never leave you alone.

As we say in Scotland "get her telt"