To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

I can often tell from friends pics on SM what yard their horse is on from the background, so I'd stop sending any further information to her. I wouldn't loan either only sell to her (if you decide to) because she still views him as hers and I think she'd steal him.

Change your WhatsApp privacy ticks too!

I may be a bit naive but never realized horses were passed around through dealers like this. Poor horse.

Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly!

Is where you keep him a fairly easy place to spot, because this would make me nervous, that regardless of what you say, she might well do this anyway, trying to find him.

I would also speak to the person who gave your email address and say under no circumstances to give any more of your personal details out

@HeronLanyon

God I’ve never Understood how horsey people pass horses around like this ! That poor horse. Anyway she sounds very pushy. Given her final message I’d be wary of saying yes to a visit. I’d kind of think she may visit him when I wasn’t there etc. Such a shame because I want to say yes of course let her visit him. agree with pp - ‘he’s fine, I’ll keep you in the loop if i do decide to sell him’. And if you sell him DO get in touch with her.

I agree with this. At first I thought - a single visit, just to reassure her - but then thinking about her 104 messages - NO!

She's beyond concerned - she's obsessed.

You could, perhaps as Heron has said, promise to give her first refusal if your circumstances ever change and you decide to sell him.

Perhaps an annual update (with photo) so she can see that he is doing well and has "fallen on his hooves" if you are comfortable with that

It's very sad how animals are often passed from pillar to post. Horses are expensive to maintain, and I imagine that a job loss or whatever means that a beloved animal has to be sold on. It would break my heart .

Hell no
Id be telling her to back off before i report her for harassment and block
I couldnt trust her with my address
She sold him, her right to see him is gone

Absolutely do not let her visit because she’s clearly demonstrated that she’s still holding a candle for this horse so to speak so I highly doubt that one visit will result in her disappearing after that. Even how she’s worded that message about visiting ‘I’m going to pop by’ - a statement not a question, so you’d better give me your address or I’ll be driving around aimlessly. That’s quite unhinged to me. She’ll be turning up unannounced at any time once she knows where you live. You need to be quite firm and clear from here on out and let her know that if the harassment continues, you’ll be contacting the police.

Honestly I would block and ignore.
Do NOT give her your address. You'll never be rid of her.

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. However right now I would like to focus on building the bond between him and me for the future rather than looking back on the past. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal. Take care x

As PP have said the history may be sad but this person needs to move on.

Don’t let her visit. Don’t use Covid as a reason. That holds out a vague hope that even though you have blocked her if she just gets in touch somehow next year you will change your mind.

Aaah Blue that is really good to hear. Horse's have memories too - probably Horse remembers the human that raised him from a Foal, through Breaking and turned to a decent Riding Horse.

Thinking of Horse, he/she might appreciate a visit from his Raiser, just to say hi, hope you're ok, sorry i had to sell you but it's turned out well as your owner loves you as much as I did.

And she's got better hay and stabling so count yourself lucky Horse, love you, goodbye.

17.2 is on the taller side

@CovidCorvid

Maybe let her visit once but make it clear it’s a one off?

Absolutely not.

Letting the old owner know where the horse is, is not a good kdea. She'll be turning up all the time.

A reply telling her to stop harassing the new owner is the only correct response.

Jesus, she sounds a bit unhinged to be honest.

I wouldn't engage with any further contact.

Would it be worth adding that you are concerned that it might upset the horse if she visited? That they obviously had a deep bond, and these things go both ways. He is now settled and happy with you, but to see her again might distress him?

Surely she wouldn't want to put him through anything that would upset him.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

Gone through my phone: 16 in Oct. I replied to 10 of them 18 in Nov. I replied to 12 of them 13 in Dec. I replied to 5 and one of them in response to her asking why i wasn't replying said that I was really busy (my mum was unwell with covid) and would try and get her the video out riding that she was asking for. 19 in Jan. 5 chasing the video. I sent the video and answered another 6 21 in Feb. I answered 8. Then the 17 in March. of which ive answered 3. Tbf alot of them are did you get my message type messages. Ive got a samsung and she can see when ive read the message so when I read them and didnt reply id get a message later on in the day asking if I was OK. So I stopped reading them unless I was willing to answer but thats when she started messaging the same message with a not sure if you got this type thing. I just feel really sorry for her. I love T but I admit hes not my horse of a lifetime. Ive had her. I had her for 26 years until she died. She taught me everything. Id just sit with her and that was enough to brighten my day. She was a horrible grumpy cow but god I loved that horse. I cant imagine how horrible I would feel if I had had to sell her and I suspect that if I had had to and shed been passed around Id be horrified. T is lovely. I care for him and love him and I enjoy him. He will stay here for life as far as I am concerned but hes not the one. Hes A one if that makes sense. Tbh if he wasnt what I needed right now I wouldnt be averse to loaning him to her if she is indeed in a position to have him back. But right now I need him and hes got my out of the house and back out which I need. Things arent brill for me atm and I need the joy horses bring to me more than ever right now and I feel (as dramatic as it sounds) that shes souring that because Im on edge.

It sounds like you have been very patient and kind. Many other people wouldn't have your level of empathy or taken the time to respond to even half of those messages (particular not when you are going through a difficult time in your own life - I'm sorry to hear that ).

However, you need to prioritise yourself now. This is causing you upset and turning something which is meant to be your relaxation into a stress. You don't owe her any more contact. She is a stranger and is behaving unreasonably. In fact, I actually think it would also be kinder for her to cut ties. This type of contact probably isn't satisfying for her (hence her keeping coming back and asking for more details) - it's probably keeping her loss fresh in her mind and making it harder for her to move on.

Great message op. Good idea to sleep on it. Good luck.

Cross-post TheHate

I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer

I cross posted with you. I think most of the letter is good. I am afraid you need to be more blunt. You don’t owe her an explanation and this wording allows her to promise that she really will only visit once. She may also try further contact after Covid as you may not be busy then. Maybe you can say you will send pictures twice a year but if she makes contact you will need to end contact with her altogether.

Tell her no you arent giving her your address and no she cant visit.
Block her and report her for harassment

@AnxiousAndUnraveling

Do not let her know you’re address and read her message again, she’s telling you she’s visiting, not even asking. This to me says it’s all about her needs, she has no boundaries or consideration of you and what you want -

“thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly!”

It's worse than that. She's not only saying she's going to visit, she's saying she's going to visit whether OP gives her the address or not! Her driving won't be aimless, she's looking for him.

I'd consider moving him, giving him a new name and telling the next yard you've only just bought him. You've sent her pics and videos of his location, it's not impossible that she could find him. I doubt she'd steal him from the yard but I've seen it several times where old owners turn up with a pack of lies and ride the horse without the new owners knowledge or permission and having previously been told no. At least give the current yard a heads up that she's not to even visit.

@Babyroobs

I may be a bit naive but never realized horses were passed around through dealers like this. Poor horse.

I didn't either, also didn't realise you can 'part ex' horses!

Have you thought that maybe she’s lonely and it’s not actually so much about the horse as trying to befriend you? The horse gives you a link. Maybe she has no friends. My sister uses her dog to make friends because she doesn’t have any non dog friends. Just a thought. Try and be kind but firm. Just say “I’m sorry but lockdown has been tough and I’m not in a position to meet up right now. I’ll let you know if that changes”

Just read through this, OP that message sounds great you should send that. It's kind but you get your point across well.
I agree with PPs, yes it must of been hard and feels unfair. But life is unfair and you have to move on. She is harassing you! I would feel so uncomfortable with that amount of messaging. Stick to you guns op, I get why she might still be upset about it but that's not your fault. This is your horse now and your choice.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. However right now I would like to focus on building the bond between him and me for the future rather than looking back on the past. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal. Take care x

Perfect reply... do not give her your address 😳

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon that message is perfect, it’s clear with your boundaries, reassuring to her and respectful of her whilst not pandering. She can’t object to it at all and if she does she’s being utterly unreasonable and you’d have every right to block her.