To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

She sounds incredibly strange and intense (104 messages!). I think your plan to tell her no is the right one. I think some of the suggested responses on here are too harsh. I would do it firmly but gently - after all, you haven't actually told her yet that her interest is unwelcome and her strange behaviour suggests that she might be struggling in her own life. You can go down the route of blocking her etc. if she doesn't listen to you. I wouldn't offer any form of contact though as that will just give her false hope and keep her engaged.

I would say something like, it's so lovely she has such fond memories of your horse. You hope that your messages over the past few months have given her some reassurance that he is very loved and cherished by you and has found his forever home. However, there are lots of demands on your time and she's been sending quite a lot of messages - you are afraid won't be able to keep her updated in future or to facilitate any kind of visit. You hope she understands and wish her all the best.

For the love of God, don't let her know where you or the horse are.

Someone who sends 100+ messages in a short space of time to what is essentially a stranger has zero boundaries and sounds unhinged.

I'd send a final message along the lines of those that have been suggested above, then I'd block her. If she persists with the harassment on facebook horsey groups, horse passport office etc., I'd be getting legal advice.

104 messages sounds like harassment tbh.

Not sure how heavy handed I'd want to be, but I'd be making it clear that is not acceptable. 17 messages with 3 responses is also quite strange.

Don't give her your address either!

@C152

She sounds batshit. I certainly wouldn't let her visit - don't give her your address! - and I would send one last message saying, out of courtesty, you responded to her initial message to let her know the horse was fine. You have since been very clear you are not interested in selling him and do not want her to visit. State clearly you do not want to receive any further communication from her in any form. Then block her, don't answer messages and return any post.

I think I know the case you are referring to there..

That was very different in that the horse had never been sold, but stolen by the loaner, ended up in a rescue and rehomed by the rescue to a totally incapable, incompetent person who then starved and rode the pony whilst it was lame.

Pony is back with actual owner and it turns out when given food to eat, puts on weight. A miracle.

You are correct however, that MIGHT well inspire a bunny boiler to attempt to steal back this horse :(

OP - Id say no, clearly, one more time. Tell her if you ever need to find your horse a home you'll contact her and if he dies, you'll let her know so she isn't left wondering, but otherwise, no further contact and should she try it, you'll be speaking to the police about harrassment.

FGS... quoted the wrong post!

@lookout198991

She sounds incredibly strange and intense (104 messages!). I think your plan to tell her no is the right one. I think some of the suggested responses on here are too harsh. I would do it firmly but gently - after all, you haven't actually told her yet that her interest is unwelcome and her strange behaviour suggests that she might be struggling in her own life. You can go down the route of blocking her etc. if she doesn't listen to you. I wouldn't offer any form of contact though as that will just give her false hope and keep her engaged.

I would say something like, it's so lovely she has such fond memories of your horse. You hope that your messages over the past few months have given her some reassurance that he is very loved and cherished by you and has found his forever home. However, there are lots of demands on your time and she's been sending quite a lot of messages - you are afraid won't be able to keep her updated in future or to facilitate any kind of visit. You hope she understands and wish her all the best.

This is a compassionate and thoughtful reply. Perfect.

Don’t give her details of location!!!

If you want to sell, then fine, that would likely be great for previous owner.

Otherwise message her clearly: you are keeping horse, home for life, well looked-after, will not sell of loan, no visits possible.

If she posts on Facebook or whatever, reply publicly: you bought horsey from dealer after he’d changed hands several times. Horsey well and happy, now has home for life.

@Sirzy

She had him for 9 years. The fact the poor horse has been passed from pillar to post since then probably makes he feel even worse that she had to rehome him for whatever reason.

Personally I would make it clear I had no intention of selling but that it was ok for her to visit occasionally as long as she lets you know in advance

This.

I think I would reply with a firm no, and if she persists actually consider reporting for harassment etc. Sounds dramatic but maybe even a restraining order. You can’t guarantee she wouldn’t just visit whenever she wants!

She clearly didnt want to sell him but circumstances meant she had to and she sold him to someone she knew who was supposed to be a forever home and then hes been to several since so I get shes upset.

I see lots of similar pleas on facebook - "I sold him to what I was assured was a forever home, but they sold him on..." I always think, "Well, you couldn't give him a forever home, so how can you expect that from someone else?"

Do NOT let her visit. Once she knows where you are you can't go back.

I think you need to be honest but kind with her. Let her know that you appreciate she loves him and you can imagine how it must feel having had him for so long, but that you don't feel comfortable with the situation. That you feel the messages are getting too frequent. Perhaps offer to send her 6monthly updates on him, but you adopted him on the basis that he's yours and you don't want any further requests regarding meet ups and selling him as you have no intention of either. Wish her well.

She's very much overstepping the boundaries. If she posts again about it on Facebook, I would consider setting up a new account in a different name. Or blocking her and just don't accept any further requests related to her. It's sad for her but she's being inappropriate and YANBU to want nothing further to do with her.

I do feel a bit sorry for her. She sold him but thought he'd be in her life forever.
Tell her it's too much and she needs to back off, but maybe promise to let her see him somewhere neutral if she does.Tbh I bet she already knows where you live, or she could find out if she's determined.

Gone through my phone:
16 in Oct. I replied to 10 of them
18 in Nov. I replied to 12 of them
13 in Dec. I replied to 5 and one of them in response to her asking why i wasn't replying said that I was really busy (my mum was unwell with covid) and would try and get her the video out riding that she was asking for.
19 in Jan. 5 chasing the video. I sent the video and answered another 6
21 in Feb. I answered 8.
Then the 17 in March. of which ive answered 3.
Tbf alot of them are did you get my message type messages. Ive got a samsung and she can see when ive read the message so when I read them and didnt reply id get a message later on in the day asking if I was OK. So I stopped reading them unless I was willing to answer but thats when she started messaging the same message with a not sure if you got this type thing.
I just feel really sorry for her. I love T but I admit hes not my horse of a lifetime. Ive had her. I had her for 26 years until she died. She taught me everything. Id just sit with her and that was enough to brighten my day. She was a horrible grumpy cow but god I loved that horse. I cant imagine how horrible I would feel if I had had to sell her and I suspect that if I had had to and shed been passed around Id be horrified.
T is lovely. I care for him and love him and I enjoy him. He will stay here for life as far as I am concerned but hes not the one. Hes A one if that makes sense. Tbh if he wasnt what I needed right now I wouldnt be averse to loaning him to her if she is indeed in a position to have him back. But right now I need him and hes got my out of the house and back out which I need. Things arent brill for me atm and I need the joy horses bring to me more than ever right now and I feel (as dramatic as it sounds) that shes souring that because Im on edge.

I don’t much about horse ownership, and it must be difficult letting a much loved animal go after 9 years.

However the vast majority of people would be aware that messaging someone this excessively, particularly when they are not getting many responses, is intrusive and not welcome. I wouldn’t even message my own grown-up children this much!
I suspect she has history of doing this to the other former owners, and potentially has some MH issues.
I would start off with a simple, kind, but very clear message that you are finding all her messages uncomfortable and a bit intrusive. And although you are happy to update her maybe once a year, you don’t feel it would be helpful or appropriate for her to visit. Perhaps acknowledge that no doubt this will not be what she wants to hear, but you think it is the best for everyone concerned.
If she comes back to you again, do not reply for a few days, and then respond firmly that you do not wish to hear further from her.
I think you need to be prepared for emotional fall-out from her, but don’t engage. Friendly, concise and firm.

I'd say something like - "You must realise you've sent me 104 messages since October and this is over the top and I am finding it uncomfortable. I don't wish to continue with contact with you. Horse is healthy & happy and I have no intention of selling on but I will keep your details in case I ever do wish to sell. Now I must ask you to stop contacting me, and if you do continue, I will view it as harassment and act accordingly."

Don't give her your address.

Saw title yeah Dragons probably BU
Read start yeah Dragons definitely BU
Gets to end no Dragon is definitely not BU

This will not be a one off visit. the fact there's being 104 messages would worry me, I doubt I've messaged my parents that many times 😅. It will be constant, she'll not understand bounderies. Polite, but firm no.

I have only read your posts and briefly scanned a few others. Gosh - difficult. I was initially sympathetic but the level of contact you are describing is ridiculous. Is there a professional body you could contact for advice? The level of trading of this horse sounds a lot. He was being sold on almost annually (after this individuals first long ownership)? Is that usual? One unusual situation - Ok, but then another, and another....

I have never owned horses so have no idea if this obsession and keeping in touch is typical. But I think in this case it might not diminish and that would impact your life more adversely than is OK.

I have rescue pedigree cats - I keep in touch with their breeder or rescue centre - but it is loose - couple of almost jokey photos a year to a facebook page. But I did let the breeder know when I had my last rescue put to sleep. I knew they would appreciate the update.

I really hope you find a good solution.

From 6 mths to 9 years is a long and important time during an horse's life and I'm sure the previous owner put a lot of time and love into your horse.

Hopefully, your Horse reflects this, and has overcome all the difficulties involved with being sold through dealers to get to their place with you.

Most likely the previous owner was forced to sell Horse because of circumstances, which can happen to anybody, even you; hopefully not to you as Horse has been through enough already.

Horsey people can be really intense and a bit wierd, I'm not horsey btw as I prefer Cows (and goats), but let her come One Time, no carrots, just a stroke, nuzzle and goodbye.

'I'm glad to be able to reassure you that X is happy, well loved and cared for. On reflection, I'm not comfortable giving out my address so I won't be doing that. I also need to make some space in my life for other committments and it's time for us to draw a line under these messages now due to the volume of contact. If X is ever available for sale, I will let you know but this is unlikely to happen. All the best.'

Do not give her your address, no matter what. She'll be visiting him every day before you know it.

Don't let her know where you live, you'll never get rid of her.

Absolutely the work she has put into him has reflected itself in the pretty amazing horse he is today which is what makes it so hard. Hes exceptionally well mannered on the ground, lovely to ride and just an all round good egg. I'm not sure why hes been to so many places in the last couple of years, I think the last one D just panicked a bit when they fell off. Hes 17.2 so its a long way to fall! Hes been nothing but exemplary here and not put a hoof wrong other than throwing a feed bucket at me but he says that was accidental!

I liked the suggestion of flagging her to Facebook page admins. A quick 104 messages since I've owned the horse would give them the right picture as to why you've blocked her.

I think you need to ask her to stop messaging you. Tell her if your circumstances change and you won't be keeping the horse, you'll let her know. But until that time, you don't want to hear from her again as her repeated emails and requests are making you uncomfortable.