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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

1000 replies

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 20:42

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

OP posts:
Lentillover1900 · 22/03/2021 14:44

* Those who would let her visit, how would you feel if you bought a 2nd hand car and the old owner pestered you all the time? They didn’t approve of the tyres you put on it or the fuel you use? Wanted photos and wanted to know where you’d driven it? Wanted to come and visit and potentially coming to your house when you’re not there?*

Oh don’t be daft Grin

forrestgreen · 22/03/2021 14:46

Also never heard of the track system before. Sounds awesome

Lordamighty · 22/03/2021 14:47

@FannyFlapClap

Video between the ears = potentially a way to identify where you are by spotting various landmarks etc.
That’s exactly what I was thinking too.
ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/03/2021 14:47

@turnedthewatersintoblood

The bit I pick up on as irritating us asking if the messages have got through then asking “are you ok” like they are ready to hear about your private life.
With one of my 'friends' like A, 'Are you OK?' meant, 'You didn't get right back to me! You're supposed to get right back to me! What's wrong with you?'. The idea that it's normal & OK not to reply at once did not occur to her. She wanted it, it had to happen & if I didn't do as she demanded, I was malfunctioning.

MN needs an eye roll emoji.

BigPaperBag · 22/03/2021 14:47

We once had to report someone for harassment due to something similar. The Police actually took it very seriously and went to their home to warn them off and tell them about future consequences if they continued. I suggest you do the same.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/03/2021 14:49

@Lentillover1900

* Those who would let her visit, how would you feel if you bought a 2nd hand car and the old owner pestered you all the time? They didn’t approve of the tyres you put on it or the fuel you use? Wanted photos and wanted to know where you’d driven it? Wanted to come and visit and potentially coming to your house when you’re not there?*

Oh don’t be daft Grin

Haven't there been threads about people coming back to houses they once lived in, & picking the fruit off the trees in the garden, saying, "It's alright, I used to live here"?
Trivium4all · 22/03/2021 14:51

I'm Facebook friends with the previous owners of all of my horses, and none of them are that insistent. My riding mare came from a very traditional set-up, and is now barefoot and living on a track system. Her breeder and her previous owner both occasionally "like" a post about her, and/or comment that she is looking well. THIS is normal behaviour, WRT keeping track of a previously owned horse. If either of them wanted to come see her, I wouldn't hesitate to invite them.

However, your previous owner sounds a little bit deranged! I agree with PP that think she's got something going on, possibly mental-health-related. I appreciate that she probably parted with him very reluctantly initially, and now feels all sorts of feelings of regret and guilt etc., but 104 emails in 3 months is not completely sane, normal behaviour! On this basis, I wouldn't be allowing her onto the yard where he is kept.

If you really wanted to give her the opportunity to see him again, then one thing you could do is offer to meet her somewhere else for a hack (does she have another horse? Or would you have to bring two?). If you made clear that this was a one-time thing, that might be a way to let her see him without letting her onto your yard. However, I'd first be inclined to be rather more frank, and to tell her that her excessive emails make you think that she's not fully accepted that he is your horse now, and that they make you worry that she will start transgressing your privacy and interfering with your horses.

shockthemonkey · 22/03/2021 14:51

OP I went to great lengths when I went barefoot to get mine into a track system, or as close to it as you can manage here in France.

It's been brilliant for him but I could see the shock when my friends from posh competition stables saw him after he'd transitioned.

Then one of their horses got a serious foot condition and guess what, went barefoot and joined mine! Both as happy as Larry.

Owner A might not see it though, if she sees muddy and hairy she may think "less loved".

I think you've been extremely kind to A but you're right to now put a stop to the obsessive behaviour.

Lacucuracha · 22/03/2021 14:52

MNers are always very generous with other people's time/property/money and animals.

MsPavlichenko · 22/03/2021 14:57

I have read this with increasing astonishment.

She is a cheeky fucker at best, a potential stalker at worst. I would not engage at any level, and if she continues to harass you I’d consider further action. Apart from anything else her continued obsessing over a horse she sold on years ago is unhealthy.

Stickytreacle · 22/03/2021 14:57

I haven't rtft, but previous owner sounds unhinged. I'd stop all contact and block her, any commnication will just feed her obsession. I had my mare put down a few years ago and I still have nightmares that somebody awful has bought her and won't let me buy her back, so I do sort of appreciate how awful it must be, but she made the decision to sell and relinquish control. She needs to buy another horse if she misses them so much.
I'm pretty certain you'll be harassed into selling by this woman if you don't stop it now.

FelicityCentre · 22/03/2021 14:57

Im baffled as to why this woman thinks she can visit. After you sell a house you dont ask if you can come back and picnic in your old bedroom. Or if they can send you videos of them in the house. This woman sounds worrying. She (sadly for her) sold him. A "hes fine" text is more than adequate. Videos of you riding him is just madness. I would give it 48 hours for her to reply and then block and go back to your life. If she speaks negatively about you on social media just put up screenshots of her continuous texts and video requests and step away.

Alcemeg · 22/03/2021 15:00

Post on Facebook saying the horse died and how sad you are Grin

TheSockMonster · 22/03/2021 15:00

It sounds like you're running an Only Fans account for the horse for free

That made me laugh Grin

But then it made me worry a bit and hope OP has seen proof this woman was actually Owner A!

Daytimetellysucks · 22/03/2021 15:01

@Lentillover1900

* Those who would let her visit, how would you feel if you bought a 2nd hand car and the old owner pestered you all the time? They didn’t approve of the tyres you put on it or the fuel you use? Wanted photos and wanted to know where you’d driven it? Wanted to come and visit and potentially coming to your house when you’re not there?*

Oh don’t be daft Grin

Why is it daft?

The horse is OP’s property as much as a car would be Hmm

Lentillover1900 · 22/03/2021 15:05

* The horse is OP’s property as much as a car would be hmm*

Indeed.
The comparison between an inanimate object and a living being is... tenuous to say the least and renders the analogy irrelevant IMO.

I think one visit is fine because the woman clearly adored the horse and given were in a lockdown.... I suspect many lonely and nostalgic.

If it was about a car? I’d tell her to shove it

SofiaMichelle · 22/03/2021 15:05

@Lentillover1900

There is not a hope in hell that you'd be able to secure any action against a person in your field, on foot, alone, doing no damage and not being threatening.

If you wasted the police's time, you might convince them to come out - by lying about the situation, most likely - but they wouldn't be carrying the person off and wouldn't be able to prevent them returning.

Absolutely no way.

Lentillover1900 · 22/03/2021 15:07

Trespassing is a civil matter. Yes.

Unless it involves a crime

One of which would be harassment and another is stalking, which is a crime

* Stalking is illegal and can include being followed or constantly harassed by another person - for example being sent unwanted emails.*

SeaShoreGalore · 22/03/2021 15:08

Don’t worry OP, you are not mean!

Daytimetellysucks · 22/03/2021 15:09

The horse is the op’s property.

Whether it’s inanimate or not is irrelevant.

Having been in the same situation as the OP, it never is just one photo/just one update/just one visit.

I adore my horses, but once I sell them, they become the property of someone else, just like when I sold my car, and I don’t get to hassle them for visits/photos/updates.

cassandre · 22/03/2021 15:09

You sound like a lovely person OP but you're right to draw boundaries. The way this person is behaving isn't normal and it's effectively harassment of you. For her own psychological health as well, she needs to move on and accept that she is no longer the horse's owner and no longer responsible for his care.

You've already gone above and beyond in terms of reassuring her that the horse is healthy, happy and well cared for.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/03/2021 15:10

I have never owned a horse but I was curious as to what a track system was so I looked it up, sounds like a much better idea to me, more natural. Probably a stupid question but if you don't shoe them, does that mean you can only ride them on certain terrains or how does that work?

MichelleofzeResistance · 22/03/2021 15:13

I don't know how I could set her mind at ease with that though

I don't think you can, unless you're up for shared ownership of your horse, which is where this is heading.

Daytimetellysucks · 22/03/2021 15:14

Trespassing is a civil matter. Yes. Unless it involves a crime. One of which would be harassment and another is stalking, which is a crime

But trespassing to feed/stroke someone else’s horse, isn’t currently a crime.

Which is why we’re having a bloody nightmare with random members of the public trespassing in my horses field to feed them - the police cannot do anything about it.

Lentillover1900 · 22/03/2021 15:16

Whether it’s inanimate or not is irrelevant.

To you
But those of us saying “yes, I’d let her” are doing it because we are talking about a car rather than an inanimate object.

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