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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

1000 replies

BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 21/03/2021 20:42

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

OP posts:
IwishIwasontheN17 · 22/03/2021 13:47

@Starborn

She didn't 'lose' him, *@Parkerwhereareyou*, she sold him. If she can't afford to buy him back at his fair market price, she doesn't get to come around and play at being his owner, undermining OP's relationship with her horse. Even if she can afford to buy him, he's not for sale.

Your draft message is still too nice and friendly, OP. Tell her to limit herself to one text or email every six months, no visits.

Nothing to say she wouldn’t re-sell him in straitened circumstances if the OP did take pity and sell him back to her
purplecorkheart · 22/03/2021 13:49

Well done op. Please do ring the girl who gave your email to her and tell her she is not to give out the details of where the horse is. Keep an good eye on the cctv over the next few days.

Erkrie · 22/03/2021 13:49

I think you've done the right thing op. Treat yourself as you would anyone else. If someone else had this problem, what would you advise them to do? I'm sure it wouldn't be to hand out their address and make themselves subject to increased hassle and stalking. It really is ok to say no.

RandomUser18282 · 22/03/2021 13:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

amihavinganervousbreakdown · 22/03/2021 13:56

Well done OP for sticking up for yourself.
Have you considered that owner C could have been driven potty by her so they ended up selling the poor horse to be rid of the situation? I feel sad for her, but having sold the horse it is no longer hers and she can't keep hassling you. It could be very disruptive and confusing for the horse to see her when it's bonding with you too. In the best interest of yourself and the horse I think you've done the right thing.

SweetPetrichor · 22/03/2021 13:58

Seems like you've made the best choice given the situation. I'd have been similar to you - I wouldn't mind a one-off visit from an old owner but she just sounds far too intense and I wouldn't feel particularly safe given that intensity.

Visits can work - I keep in touch with a horse I loaned in my teens and I visit if I'm in the area, but that's because the owner offered rather than me asking. It has to work on mutual respect like that, and it doesn't sound like your horses ex-owner has much respect!

CleanQueen123 · 22/03/2021 14:00

Well done you.

I think @Ladderclimber has a suitable cautionary tale. You'd allow one visit then turn up to find her doing all sorts because she didn't agree with the way you keep him.

Heaven forbid he became ill or injured. You'd never hear the end of her "helpful" suggestions for his care!

CleanQueen123 · 22/03/2021 14:04

@SweetPetrichor that's it isn't it. It has to be formed on mutual respect.

I visited a pony I sold. The people who bought him from me needed to sell him and asked if I wanted to visit before he went. So I did.

The people they sold him to are in touch with me on Facebook. They wanted some info on his various quirks so I answered their questions and sent some foal photos and photos of sire and dam.

They live some distance away so I'm unlikely to visit but if they're at a competition closer to me I might pop along to see him if they're happy for me to do that.

They love him and it's enough for me to know that. I like their Facebook posts and the owner occasionally sends me additional photos or videos and that's it.

Original poster
BlueEyesWhiteDragon · 22/03/2021 14:06

I've already had words with the girl who shared the email but more in a dear god don't tell her anything else way. Whilst she shouldn't have shared it without checking in all fairness before this I didn't know the levels of communication that would be coming my way so I would have allowed it to be given to A initially.

Having thought about it more as I read responses though I do wonder if though part of the reason she is so desperate to see him is because she knows he's kept very differently and I think she finds it difficult to accept he's OK in such a different lifestyle. Given I'm not sure I can out myself more, mine are kept on a track system, and whilst there is large areas of grazing for them in and amongst the tracks its low quality grazing rather than a lovely green field. Track systems (round here anyway) seem to split the community like Marmite. I'm also very defensive of it (the track) as there has been some judgement especially once my old girl passed as I didn't revert to a field once her specific requirements were gone - it was set up for her - but I saw an improvement in all the horses not just her which is why I decided to keep it.

I don't know how I could set her mind at ease with that though because the pics I sent of him he looks great, in good condition, shiny coat, well muscled not fat, alert, obviously content. I've sent videos of him rolling, snoozing, grooming the others, us out for a ride (thats the video she wanted a view between his ears type thing) and I keep coming back to will one visit be enough and I don't think it will be.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 22/03/2021 14:08

Well done @BlueEyesWhiteDragon

If you're not blocking her immediately, because you feel a need to see how or if she responds, could you resolve to not answer her if she does?

If her response is along the lines of 'fair enough, understood' unlikely then that doesn't need an answer, you can just block.

If her response is some kind of batshittery or argument highly likely, try to bear in mind that the 'conversation' will only continue if you join in, you don't have to accept invitations to arguments.
= no response and block.

If she doesn't answer at all highly unlikely fine, also = no further contact and block to make sure.

It's not even as if you bought T from her! You've been really kind and tolerant, but satisfying this woman's needs is not your job, never mind your life's work!!

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 22/03/2021 14:08

It sounds like his life is infinitely better with you, OP. No way in hell would I sell a horse to be cosseted in a stable rather than living out in the field like a horse.

ApplesPearsAndCrumble · 22/03/2021 14:09

I have read the whole thread and am amazed at your tolerance OP. She asked for videos of a ride viewed between his eyes? 104 messages! It is creepy stalker behaviour.

I sold my last horse to a riding school. Occasionally I paid for lessons there and asked to ride him specifically. Even then i sometimes wondered if that was a bit out of order.

I think this lady is really not exhibiting wholly sane behaviour. Do not delete messages by the way, just in case she escalates and good luck.

category12 · 22/03/2021 14:09

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I've already had words with the girl who shared the email but more in a dear god don't tell her anything else way. Whilst she shouldn't have shared it without checking in all fairness before this I didn't know the levels of communication that would be coming my way so I would have allowed it to be given to A initially.

Having thought about it more as I read responses though I do wonder if though part of the reason she is so desperate to see him is because she knows he's kept very differently and I think she finds it difficult to accept he's OK in such a different lifestyle. Given I'm not sure I can out myself more, mine are kept on a track system, and whilst there is large areas of grazing for them in and amongst the tracks its low quality grazing rather than a lovely green field. Track systems (round here anyway) seem to split the community like Marmite. I'm also very defensive of it (the track) as there has been some judgement especially once my old girl passed as I didn't revert to a field once her specific requirements were gone - it was set up for her - but I saw an improvement in all the horses not just her which is why I decided to keep it.

I don't know how I could set her mind at ease with that though because the pics I sent of him he looks great, in good condition, shiny coat, well muscled not fat, alert, obviously content. I've sent videos of him rolling, snoozing, grooming the others, us out for a ride (thats the video she wanted a view between his ears type thing) and I keep coming back to will one visit be enough and I don't think it will be.

You've been lovely and given her absolutely loads of your time and consideration with the messages and photos etc. And she absolutely wouldn't be satisfied by one visit. Don't second guess yourself.
purplecorkheart · 22/03/2021 14:10

Honestly, one visit would not be enough and to be honest I could see it leading to many many more texts with "helpful" suggestions.

WilsonMilson · 22/03/2021 14:15

104 messages strongly suggests she’s a nutter. On that basis, the last thing you should do is give her your address - you’ll never get rid of her.

I’d send exactly what @EvilEye said and then block.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/03/2021 14:24

My advice now is to stop allowing this take anymore of your head space. You don't need to worry about why A is so desperate to see your horse. You have dealt with it now and it's time to put a line under it and move on. You no longer have to worry about setting her mind at ease. You do have to worry about putting your own mind at ease. I'm not sure how you can do that without giving in to her demands but you need to let it go now that you've sent the message and she's read it.

Throckmorton · 22/03/2021 14:28

I'd never heard of the track system until now - it sounds great! Your chap is a lucky boy!! I can't think of many horses that would prefer a stable over that!

hannayeah · 22/03/2021 14:30

I suspect she feels guilty about having sold him.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 22/03/2021 14:31

A video from between his ears?

She's a worry. You have been very kind, but, goodness!

I'm trying to figure out how much brass neck one would need to have in order to ask someone to take specific footage for me. I think it's a fuck tonne of brass.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/03/2021 14:32

Oh dear, I did laugh out loud at that list of reasons for trespass being counted as a crime. Camping, squatting, criminal damage, unauthorised raves, carrying deadly weapons... but not a word about feeding carrots to horses. I really cannot imagine the police getting very excited about that.

Anyway - I'm in the camp that says well done for telling A NOT NOW, NOT EVER is she going to "just pop round". Methinks she read too many cute pony books when she was small. In books the pony and owner are always re-united and it's always a good thing. In real life, not so much. For one thing, in the books I read at that age the pony cost £5...

You have to wonder whether those posters supporting a visit would be quite cool with their husband's ex-girlfriend dropping round for a quickie for old time's sake. After all she did love him, and love is the most important thing, right? What will a little kindness cost you?

FannyFlapClap · 22/03/2021 14:37

Video between the ears = potentially a way to identify where you are by spotting various landmarks etc.

Remona · 22/03/2021 14:39

I keep coming back to will one visit be enough and I don't think it will be.

You know it won't be. We ALL know it won't be.

The problem is, allowing one visit would be like opening Pandora's Box. It'll be too late when she knows where he is. There'd be no end to her visits and requests and it'd be very difficult to get rid of her then.

You've had infinitely more patience with her than I would have had OP.

Dnadoon · 22/03/2021 14:39

Well done OP. Now read up on how to be more assertive. I read a book about it once and cant remember what it was called. But it helped me stop being a people pleaser too.

turnedthewatersintoblood · 22/03/2021 14:41

The bit I pick up on as irritating us asking if the messages have got through then asking “are you ok” like they are ready to hear about your private life.

CongealedCrags · 22/03/2021 14:42

I don't know how I could set her mind at ease with that though because the pics I sent of him he looks great, in good condition, shiny coat, well muscled not fat, alert, obviously content. I've sent videos of him rolling, snoozing, grooming the others, us out for a ride (thats the video she wanted a view between his ears type thing) and I keep coming back to will one visit be enough and I don't think it will be.

It sounds like you're running an Only Fans account for the horse for free Grin

I hope she pays attention to your message.

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