To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

You’re not mean. If anything you’ve been kind / patient to tolerate this for so long.
Good luck. I hope your message does the trick.

OP if you ever decide to sell the horse or have it PTS, please don't tell the old owner.

Reason being, if it's a sale she'll harangue you to allow her to purchase at her chosen price, she could tell lies throughout the horsey community to put others off buying the horse, she could become aggressive towards you if you decide to sell to someone else, and she'll start stalking/harassing the new owner.

If you're going to PTS she'll be hassling you for "one last visit to say goodbye". She'll hang around when you don't want her there ruining your chance to say goodbye in your own time and way. She'll have opinions on the method of PTS and what happens to the body/ashes after. In short, she'll make your life hell at a time it's already difficult.

It's far better in either scenario that she simply doesn't know about it.

I no longer have my horse and it's a relief to not to have to avoid riding certain places (where she hangs out) in case she sees me, not having to avoid going to shows or events in case she sees me or the horse, not having to make excuses to my friends why I'd like them to take down that SM pic (because the background identified the yard and I can't tell them the truth because who knows if they're friends with her). I'm so pleased I'll never have to move yards again because she's worked out where the horse is and started deliberately turning up when I'm not there with her friends to visit. I'll never have to feel guilty for my friends when they contact me to say her friends have been to the old yard aggressively demanding to know where I moved to. I'll never again have to feel annoyed at receiving "send me a pic" or "maybe I'll pop up to ride one day in the summer" texts. I'm no longer watching over my shoulder in all things horse related and the relief is immense.

Completely shut this woman down now OP before it gets any worse.

@Lentillover1900

None of those are applicable in these circumstances.

I think the girl who gave A your email address is the weakest link. Please ask her not to give A any more info.

Its my own fault! I have a tendency in most all areas of life to avoid conflict by going along with whatever is requested of me. I then simmer quietly to myself before getting in a giant tizz because the requests are now far far beyond what I'm happy with. I'm trying to change that but its very much a work in progress. A chap once came to the house trying to buy a piece of my dads machinery that wasn't for sale. He was driving by, saw it and called in on the off chance. I spent 30 minutes apologising profusely because I couldn't sell it to him as it wasn't mine despite him asking me to (I even rang dad and asked him on the phone about selling it) - if it had been I'd probably of sold it just to avoid telling him no!!

Well done Op. Now block her and be finished with her ridiculousness.

I'd have gone with, "Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I've been wondering how to break this to you. I'm really sorry but horse died of (tragic and not your fault) condition."

@thecatsthecats

I'd have gone with, "Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I've been wondering how to break this to you. I'm really sorry but horse died of (tragic and not your fault) condition."

Trouble with that is, the previous owner is such a nutter, they'd probably ask for it to be returned to them stuffed and put in a specific pose!

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon what are the chances of her finding out where you stable T by asking around? You may want to make it known to your friends (and friends of friends) that they are, under no circumstances, to tell her where the stable/yard is

Sorry if this has already been said

Well done, OP.
See I wouldn't block her just yet- you want to see if you get any more batshit replies so you know if she's got the message or not. If you've got any neighbours on the way to your land might be worth giving them the heads up to let you know if there's a 'nice lost lady' mooching around as your CCTV wouldn't pick up further away. Although I suspect you've probably already got that sort of relationship given your land isn't on the beaten track. But I wouldn't take much notice of someone that didn't tick the usual 'up to no good' boxes especially as there's more polite and friendly randoms out and about getting quite innocently lost in recent months.

You are not mean. I’d be very upset by someone saying they planned to drive around looking for my horse to feed it. That’s someone with issues understanding what is appropriate.

Also to echo a previous poster - the fact it sounds like the location is well off the beaten track is great. Just be mindful, that if this woman knows where you live (or work or whatever - anywhere she could intercept you on your way to your horse) that she doesn't follow you in order to find out where he is.

Such obsessive, persistent entitlement leads me to think she wouldn't be above doing this.

Well done OP! ☺️ I'm quite similar to you in terms of being a bit of a people pleaser to my own detriment so I get that sending that message probably took a lot of courage for you. It's definitely the right thing to have done though. It seems like ex-owner doesn't really get what's socially appropriate here and you setting out boundaries may actually help her long term (as well as giving you some peace!)
(Also my manga brain has just made me realise where I recognise your username from, love it!)

Well done op

I just wanted to reiterate to tell the friend who gave your address what has happened and on absolutely no account to give her your address or any further information.

It's a link she has to you. So best close it off.
And also remind your friend what she did was incredibly stupid.

I actually think you should send her a 'cease and desist' letter via a solicitor. I think she is crazy and needs a fright to back down.

@CovidCorvid

Maybe let her visit once but make it clear it’s a one off?

Don't do this. You'll never get rid of her. Right now she doesn't know where he physically is. Once she knows this, she will be there all the time.

I would be furious with the "friend" who gave her your details. Like, properly furious.

Whoops! See it's moved on. Apologies.

@ThatsTheTea

YANBU. Just tell her exactly what you’ve said ‘I’ve let you know he’s okay but he’s my horse, I don’t want you visiting or contacting me again’.

YES ,perfect. YANBU, as there are LOTS of horses here & that close knit community they all tend to witter on with. Enjoy him. xx

Good on you, @BlueEyesWhiteDragon!

When lockdown is over tell her he has gone to a ranch in America on holiday....

If she really cared about the horse, she'd be happy he was well looked after, with a home for life. It's so much more than a lot of horses end up with.

Wanting to visit him is entirely about her needs and wants, it won't do him any favours and, if it sours your involvement to the point you decide to sell him, has the potential to do him a lot of harm.

I didn't agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it.

Exactly. Horsey is yours now, and while you feel for her missing her ex-horse, her feelings are not your problem to deal with, they are hers. That thoughtless person who passed your email on has a lot to answer for.

As she has been so unreasonable in her behaviour up to now, I sort of doubt this will be the end of it. Boundary violators rarely back off, and she clearly feels - on the strength of her desire - that she is entitled to get what she wants. Hold strong.

Well done Dragon, hopefully that is the last you will hear from her.

Feel as though a number of us would be happy to provide a rota security detail - we’d need to promise not to say anything about mud/stabling/shoeing etc
Good luck.

I have a mutual Claire who has a field right next to her garden.
She had to sell her horses so a friend of hers Mary asked to rent the field.
It was made clear that first and formost it was private land and she saw it as part of her garden so didn't want anyone other than her friend and her imediate family hanging around.

Mary told the previous owners of her latest horse where it was stabled.They kept turning and Claire couldn't enjoy her garden ,no privacy and the previuous owner shouting the name of the horse over and over.
Claire had a word with them ,it made no difference so Mary had to put a stop to the rental.

I think OP it would be a mistake to let this woman knock where you keep your horse.Hopefully she will leave you alone now you have spelt it out to her