To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

OP why is it such a big deal for you not to let her visit? - because OP doesn't believe it will be a single visit and many people here agree with her. The current owner understandably doesn't want to run the risk that this woman is constantly turning up, feeding the horse, fussing over it - subtly or openly criticising how he is now living - and asking to ride the horse, which she has already hinted at!

I'd let her visit, because I'm soft when it comes to animals.

But people are more important than animals. OP feels harassed, thinks that crazy horse lady has no boundaries, wouldn't be happy with just one visit, would be constantly "popping over" to see "her" horse.... who needs that level of crazy in their life? OP is not crazy horse lady's therapist.

Crazy lady sold the horse to the OP. The reasons for the sale are totally irrelevant. Doesn't matter. OP is the owner. Horse is happy and cared for with OP. The old owner needs to accept that the horse isn't hers any more.

There is a pattern - the common denominator is the original hounding batsh#t crazy owner & reason why the horse being regularly sold - to pass the problem on as you can’t get rid of ex owner.

This has been said a few times but I don't think it's the case. Horse owners don't strike me as the shy, retiring types who will be swayed by someone like this woman.

OP why is it such a big deal for you not to let her visit?

OP has said she is at the end of her tether. "A" is clearly harassing her and now she is making demands and telling OP that she is going to visit. This isn't normal behaviour and it is causing stress and disruption to OP. Why should OP have this constant messaging, stress and worry. OP has things in her life she is dealing with too. Spending time and bonding with your horse is important and OP needs to be able to get on with her life without this constant intrusion.

@Lentillover1900

Not necessarily Not in all cases at all

But it is.

If it has criminal intent, i.e. to steal or damage property, that becomes criminal matter yes. But it is then no longer a mere trespass but another offence.

I can't believe some people are saying OP should just let the previous owner buy the horse back from her. Talk about rewarding crazy and obsessive behaviour!

What OP should do is block and keep an eye out. I agree about CCTV.

This rings alarm bells for me OP as my mum had a ‘previous owner’ that started visiting the horse regularly after being allowed a visit. She was very critical of the way mum kept the horse and started doing things like rugging the horse with a rug she brought cos he ‘looked cold’ and once even getting a farrier friend to look at his feet (mum arrived in the middle of that and farrier was very embarrassed!) There was also a malicious report to the RSPCA, who confirmed no concerns whatsoever.

Mum tried to be nice for too long. You MUST be blunt.

“Hello X, I’ve decided against allowing you to visit horse. I appreciate he’s an important part of your past but it’s best if we all move forward. You can feel sure he’ll always be well cared for with me. Take care’.

One visit WILL lead to more. With or without you there (probably without). I am confident about that!

Those who would let her visit, how would you feel if you bought a 2nd hand car and the old owner pestered you all the time? They didn’t approve of the tyres you put on it or the fuel you use? Wanted photos and wanted to know where you’d driven it? Wanted to come and visit and potentially coming to your house when you’re not there?

I love my horses very much and they want for nothing, but they are not pets. The relationship I have with them is very different to the one I have with my dog. They have a job to do. For me, it’s more pragmatic. They do the job and, when they can’t do that job anymore because of age or illness or injury, they retire and they have a home for life with me. Or, for example, when my DD out grew her first lead rein pony, we sold him on to another little girl who has had all the joy out of learning to ride on him.

We all loved that pony, but he has another family and a little girl to love. It’s not right, or fair for us to constantly ask for photos and updates. He’s not ours any more.

I'm mixed about this.

You said 104 messages since October but then you said you've replied to her some and sent photos so some of those messages would be a part of those so not as many as you've implied. If she'd send 104 and you never replied, then that would be batshit.

You said she's asked you 3 times during that time to see the horse.
That isn't excessive.

Was there a reason back last year, you didn't want her to see the horse once? Seems kind of mean to me.

Others have said you've been too nice about it but not really. Instead of telling her straight away, she can't see the horse, you were passive aggressive letting it go on this long.

Ladderclimber - that sounds very stressful. Unfortunately this woman (original owner) has demonstrated that she is hassle and doesn't respect boundaries. I think your message is perfect - but might add that you don't want to be contacted again: “Hello X, I’ve decided against allowing you to visit horse. I appreciate he’s an important part of your past but it’s best if we all move forward. You can feel sure he’ll always be well cared for with me. I consider this matter closed now. Take care’.

I think your message is fine OP. She's far more intense than I would want to deal with.

Not a good idea to let her visit. She'll have your address then, and come back whenever she likes. She sounds obsessed.

Edited a bit:

Hi A. Hope you are well. I've given it a lot of thought and it won’t be possible for you and C to visit T. I do not think it would be beneficial to him and believe he may find it very confusing. We are developing our bond and it is best for him to look forward rather than back, particularly after a tumultuous last few years of being shifted around so many times.

I will keep you updated a few times a year, but cannot manage the level of contact your messages indicate you wish to keep. My focus is on my horse and human family obligations.

A, I really appreciate how much you care for him and I am so grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared with me.

He is absolutely adored here and well looked after and it is my intent that he happily live out the rest of his days with me. In the unlikely event I need to place him elsewhere I will contact you to let know.

Take care x

Yikes. Loads of messages. I've skimmed through.

I've sent her a message. I changed it and made it a bit blunter although not as harsh as it could be. She's read it and not replied so hopefully that's the end of it. I can't decide whether to block or not and give her a chance to see if she acts differently. I'm leaning towards the latter because I just feel so mean. If it hadn't been for the volume of messages I wouldn't have thought twice about letting her see him which also seems to be the general consensus here.

He's on my own land off a track off another track off a lane like looks like it goes nowhere that's off another dodgy road that's off a farm track off a main road so he's not easy to find no matter how much driving round you do. I already have CCTV at the yard as its out in the back of beyond and I like to check in on them make sure they OK between my visits so whilst I can't guarantee she couldn't find him, I'd be alerted as soon as she got on the yard and unless she goes roaming halfway down the field she won't see them hanging out at the bottom anyway.

Goodness me OP you must be worn out with all of this. Hope you are OK

OP, you're not mean.

Well done @BlueEyesWhiteDragon hopefully that's the end of it. Enjoy your horse, sounds like you've found a gem.

Well done OP. Don't feel mean, she needed telling very bluntly and you have been too nice up to now. Don't reply to any further messages from her

Wow - she sounds bananas - that would really grate on me, I'm not surprised you don't want more hassle than she's already giving you, give an inch and all that!

Good luck

You're not mean, on the contrary, you've been kind. Hope your message will put a stop to this escalating further.

Pleased there’s no wriggle room, OP! You have to be cruel to be kind.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

Yikes. Loads of messages. I've skimmed through.

I've sent her a message. I changed it and made it a bit blunter although not as harsh as it could be. She's read it and not replied so hopefully that's the end of it. I can't decide whether to block or not and give her a chance to see if she acts differently. I'm leaning towards the latter because I just feel so mean. If it hadn't been for the volume of messages I wouldn't have thought twice about letting her see him which also seems to be the general consensus here.

He's on my own land off a track off another track off a lane like looks like it goes nowhere that's off another dodgy road that's off a farm track off a main road so he's not easy to find no matter how much driving round you do. I already have CCTV at the yard as its out in the back of beyond and I like to check in on them make sure they OK between my visits so whilst I can't guarantee she couldn't find him, I'd be alerted as soon as she got on the yard and unless she goes roaming halfway down the field she won't see them hanging out at the bottom anyway.

Well done OP, you're doing the right thing 🌺

Don't feel bad, she has been very manipulative.

Hopefully she’ll back off now but she does sound determined!

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

Yikes. Loads of messages. I've skimmed through.

I've sent her a message. I changed it and made it a bit blunter although not as harsh as it could be. She's read it and not replied so hopefully that's the end of it. I can't decide whether to block or not and give her a chance to see if she acts differently. I'm leaning towards the latter because I just feel so mean. If it hadn't been for the volume of messages I wouldn't have thought twice about letting her see him which also seems to be the general consensus here.

He's on my own land off a track off another track off a lane like looks like it goes nowhere that's off another dodgy road that's off a farm track off a main road so he's not easy to find no matter how much driving round you do. I already have CCTV at the yard as its out in the back of beyond and I like to check in on them make sure they OK between my visits so whilst I can't guarantee she couldn't find him, I'd be alerted as soon as she got on the yard and unless she goes roaming halfway down the field she won't see them hanging out at the bottom anyway.

Well done. Also if it's your own land that's even more power to your arm to tell her she must not trespass.