To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

I would break all contact. Contacting someone who has a horse you have owned and asking about them is one thing. An old owner of our last horse, did just that. We sent her an update, some photos and she sent us lots of information about what he had done, and some photos of him as a younger horse. We didn’t hear from her again - like most people, she was just interested in how he was doing, and wanted to share information about his past, for his benefit. Had she wanted to visit, I would have been happy for her to do so, but it was a very different scenario. This sounds like something quite different, and is definitely not healthy!

Sometimes it’s better to think with your head than your heart. OP is being harassed by this woman (104 opening messages!) and some posters here are saying “invite her to your home address, don’t worry it’ll be a one off”. No way!

I wouldn’t bank on the police being that helpful if A started harassing OP in person either.

Wtf! Usually I would say let her visit, maybe once but in these circumstances I would tell her no sorry. I fear saying yes would open the floodgates and her harassment would get worse or she’d just show up unannounced.

If I were you, I’d be concerned she already knows your address from internet searches and hints she’s picked up. She’s bonkers, watch out for being followed.

How horrible that a PP said the OP obviously didn't care for the horse. Through the OP's posts, she has said how much she does, and she has bent over backwards trying to be nice.

Sending photos, engaging with this woman to be kind.

But do NOT have her visit the horse. And do NOT do twice yearly updates.

You know how it will be...

A 'I haven't heard from you, can I have my update'

you 'I sent you one 3 months ago. You know we agree twice yearly'

A 'oh I know, but I've been worried about the horse'

you 'Well, I'll send you a pic now, but I'm not doing anything else for 9 months'

A 'fine, thanks'

3 months later...
A 'can you send me an update please, I haven't stop thinking about the horse'

Rinse and repeat

Nip it in the but NOW. She is spoiling your enjoyment of your horse.

@TryingAgain16

I am shocked that she TOLD you she was coming to see him. At that point I think I would have informed the police. It's all gone way beyond normal behaviour. This person isn't taking your life into consideration at all. It's all about her and what she wants and you do NOT want someone like that in your life! I'm wondering if she is quite well.

The horse "got her through some tough times". If I had £1 for every time I'd heard that, I'd be rich. IMO it's code for having poor mental health or emotional problems. Pets are known to be good for people who are lonely, unwell etc. So is fresh air and exercise. IME the horse world is filled with a disproportionate amount of seriously fucked up people. Many of whom seem to form these intense relationships with their horses (to make up for the normal healthy relationships they seem to be unable to form with other people?). A lot of people use the yard as their social life, hanging out longer than they need to be there and chatting with other owners, it becomes their whole world. Some of them barely do anything with the horse to the extent it's not even properly looked after, the horse is just a vessel to facilitate their social life.

I was wondering if A had tracked down previous owners & done the same to them.

You’re right she’s going to try owning him by default and sneaking to him, you need to get rid.

These were my first thoughts - with people like this you do need to be very clear and very firm they often rely on people being "nice" for far too long.

I'd probably be cutting contact and letting FB people and friend who gave out your info that this is not on and her behavior is beyond normal boundaries and is worrying you. You've all been nice and reassured her the horse is safe and well - and now it needs to stop.

OP I think your message sounds perfectly reasonable. She’s batshit, do not let her visit.

There’s only 1 owner of 1 horse I’ve sold that I’ve messaged a few times over the years, that’s because I’m pretty sure she turned out to be dodgy and a dealer. After she’d had him a year, I messaged her to ask how he was getting on, no response. After 3 years, I messaged randomly as I’d had such a vivid dream about him and it made me want to text. No response. I even said in that message, whether you still have him or not, or he’s still alive or not, it would still be nice to know as I wonder about him (and bitterly regret selling him to her, but you live and learn, obviously I didn’t say that bit)

I’ve never messaged since and even if she’d have messaged back, that would’ve been it. I don’t want/ need regular updates, it’s really just to see whether she still had him.

You’re under no obligation to let her visit him or feel any guilt in not doing so. I’d send that message, take screenshots of it and note how many messages she’s sent you over the last few months. If anything ever were to be said on FB, you have screenshots and the info you’ve posted here, which clearly highlights how batshit she is. No one would side with her.

There is a pattern - the common denominator is the original hounding batsh#t crazy owner & reason why the horse being regularly sold - to pass the problem on as you can’t get rid of ex owner.

I know you're trying to be kind OP by saying you'll update her once or twice a year, but I really do think you'll be just opening yourself up to a load of trouble doing this. She'll just push for more and more. Send her the message saying he's fine but you don't want anymore contact.

OP, most posters are urging you to cut contact completely. This is not because they are unkind or heartless. It is because it is crystal clear that the volume of messages and the demands in the last message are not normal. If you continue to communicate with "A" the demands and intrusion in your life are going to escalate and cause you a lot of stress and worry.

To all the posters saying just let "A" see the horse once and make it clear it is just once and if she continues you can charge her with trespass. Really!! why should the OP have this level of disruption to her life and then potentially have a very stressful situation with maybe legal costs involved to sort it out.

"A's" behaviour is not normal and as sad and difficult as it is OP really needs to cut contact completely. This really is the kindest path for "A" too. "A" needs to accept that horse has a lovely new owner and home and be happy with that ending.

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'm going to send this I think but will sleep on it as im not sure if its too wishy washy.

Hi A. I am well thanks. Hope you are too? I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I've given it a lot of though and I am not happy for you and/or C to visit T at the yard. I have a lot on at the moment and the number of messages from you has just been too much for me and I am concerned that one visit will just make you want more and that is not something I am in the position to offer. I appreciate how much you care for him and I am very grateful for all the pictures and information you have shared about him. However right now I would like to focus on building the bond between him and me for the future rather than looking back on the past. Please rest assured that he is absolutely adored here and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal. Take care x

I think that's a good message overall. However, based on her past history of texting you I wouldn't give her any chance of keeping in touch.

I will continue to send you pictures of him a couple of times a year and if I ever need to sell him I will of course offer you first refusal.

Leave this bit off and then block her.

I really don‘t think you should engage with this woman any further than 1 last message. I‘ve got a privately rehomed dog and do keep in touch with her last owner. He texts me maybe once a year just to check that she’s still okay and I happily send him a few photos. All entirely reasonable behavior. 104 messages are not the actions of a reasonable person!

@Lentillover1900

* Also, even when we had someone actually coming on to the yard to feed the horses when they were in their stables, the police viewed it as a civil matter and wouldn’t get involved*

I’m a paralegal
That is very strange
It’s not a civil matter
I mean you could literally just quote the law at them

But trespassing is a civil matter?

@MrsHGWells

There is a pattern - the common denominator is the original hounding batsh#t crazy owner & reason why the horse being regularly sold - to pass the problem on as you can’t get rid of ex owner.

That's what I wondered. I think there's a book or film plot in this!

Not necessarily
Not in all cases at all

@Picassosfriend

She obviously really really loves the horse, I imagine in the same way that a dog or cat lover loves their animal. She probably thinks of him as her boy as she had him from six months old until aged nine. She also probably feels really guilty that she let him go and since that time he has been sold and re-sold many times, so nobody has obviously loved him like she did.

I think that life is about more than money, and if you could take the financial hit I would let his very loving first owner have him (obviously at a cost). She will obviously smother him with love and attention.

If you switched this scenario to a pet dog, then I think that many more people would be able to relate to it and would probably agree that if possible she should have him. As you have said you don't love him in the same way, let him go to her and let him have the best life for him.

I know that I am in the minority on here, but can just imagine that if this my dog, and she was sold on several times, then I would feel heartbroken too. 😞😞 Perhaps tell her what price you are looking for and give her the opportunity to save up to buy him back? You can then buy another horse to meet your riding requirements.

It's not as simple as that. Whenever you buy a horse it's a bit of a gamble, you never truly know what you're getting. The replacement horse OP buys could turn out not to be as safe or well trained as it originally seemed, it could have been rested for a year then go lame when brought back into regular work, or 100 other scenarios. Doing as you suggested could lead the OP down a very expensive path of heartbreaking vet investigation lasting many years and culminating with the additional expense (around £1000 for cremation, which is often the only option) of having the horse PTS as well as the loss of the original purchase price. Of course that may not happen, but OP would be mad to risk it when she currently owns a safe, sane, sound, healthy horse whom she'd like to keep.

You've sent her pix. Not to scare you, but if he wants to find him - knowing your name, area, etc. and any metadata/landmark features in your pix means she'll find him really easily. I'd move him.

I'd let her visit, because I'm soft when it comes to animals. If she loves him that much, chances are he loves her too and would be very happy to see her. Particularly if he has been moved around like a piece of furniture over the past few years, seeing her might be a nice thing for him - look, owners don't just disappear into the ether, never to return.

But your stance sounds reasonable. I guess you do run the risk of her just showing up to see him once she knows where he is. But it's sad that she loves him that much and had to lose him.

@MrsHGWells

There is a pattern - the common denominator is the original hounding batsh#t crazy owner & reason why the horse being regularly sold - to pass the problem on as you can’t get rid of ex owner.

I think you're on to something there @MrsHGWells.

You got a fabulous new horse @BlueEyesWhiteDragon because the previous owners were probably sick of the barrage of requests from 1st owner and they felt it was more hassle than it was worth in the end. It's an expensive hobby/pastime to not get peace to enjoy it because someone else wants to have a share.

She probably try to steal the horse, seems a bit of a clown. Inform all on Facebook of the harassment and how she sold the horse back and forth to her and her pal. Nobody likes people who do that to animals. Tell whoever in in charge of the field stables about it also.
You could go down another road and have others collude with you and as horrible as it seems may be the answer, tell her you sold the horse to a new owner in Scotland or ireland

Just send her a messages saying...

“I understand you feel you have a bond with this horse but you sold him x years ago, the horse is no longer yours. I’m happy to send you the occasional photo but I’m not happy with giving out a address to where I keep my horses and not comfortable with you visiting, he’s now my horse and cared for by me, I have no intentions of selling him but if that was to change I will contact you. Please stop with the constant messages, I lead a busy life and haven’t got time to reply to them”.

how she sold the horse back and forth to her and her pal that's not correct, she sold the horse to someone whom she didn't know and it was later sold via a dealer to a third person whom she is now friends with (at least according to her account, the other person may see it differently!). The horse has been traded a lot but not between the same people.

OP why is it such a big deal for you not to let her visit? If she had him for 9 years there must of been a reason she could no longer keep him. She sold him on the pretence that she could stay in contact with him so its not really her fault the new owner didn't stick to the agreement. She obviously still cares for him even if 104 messages was a bit phyco. Did she say why she had to give him up?

do not let her visit... its verging on stalker behaviour, you need strong boundaries and hope she backs off. I really don't think your being unreasonable - she sounds strangely fixated, it would annoy me too. x