To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

@Lentillover1900

I mean you could literally just quote the law at them

What law is that then?

Morning @BlueEyesWhiteDragon

If you haven't sent your wishy washy message yet... just have another think about what you are sending. It needs to be clear. Don't forget this is a complete stranger and you owe her absolutely nothing.

Maybe it will help if you see it as one last message, the only message you need ever send her. No need to say you are well and ask how she is, you are not friends or even acquaintances.
No need to leave any openings whatsoever.

She is bothering you. She is hassling you even for responses to her, as if you owe her something. You don't. And you need to be firm or this is not going to go away!

One of the simple, polite straightforward messages suggested by pp would be best. (No need for the frilly bits, it actually doesn't matter what she thinks of you)

The only points you need to get across:
1.Too many messages now so I'm calling a halt.

1. T is fine and well.
2. No visit possible
3. I won't be communicating with you further.

"He is well, if I decide to sell him I will give you first refusal.
Do not contact me again"

Id reply with

You have sent me 104 messages, the horse is fit and well cared for. This constant asking to see the horse and getting in contact needs to stop as it is not acceptable behaviour. Stop now, not more contact, no more request to see the horse.

You sound rather mean.

Very often on MN, I find myself wondering if others have read the same thread as me! The op sounds the very opposite of mean. If she was mean, she would have said 'Not interested. Piss off. I'm blocking you.' The reality is that she's bent over backwards to accommodate the neediness of this woman, and even now is debating how to let her down gently. Sometimes you need to protect yourself. That is not being mean.

Just to throw my thoughts into the ring about those Facebook groups...

I'm not on Facebook and haven't been for a long while but when I was, I was on a few of the horse finder groups. Initially I thought it was lovely, reconnecting old owners/riders with horses they used to adore. But the more I read and the longer I was on there the more it got bloody weird, frankly! I now think those groups aren't at all healthy on the whole and perpetuate a lot of nostalgia which for some of the people on there turns to obsession, thinking they can somehow buy "their" horse back. I often wondered what it's like for the innocent new buyers on the other end who suddenly find out there is a post about their horse with 100 shares and 500 comments, with everyone expecting them to allow some sort of big reunion.

[quote PegasusReturns]@Lentillover1900

I mean you could literally just quote the law at them

What law is that then?[/quote]
www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/legal_guidance/THE-CRIMINAL-JUSTICE-AND-PUBLIC-ORDER-ACT-1994.pdf

And

www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/legal_guidance/TABLE-OF-OTHER-STATUTORY-OFFENCES-INVOLVING-TRESPASS-2019.pdf

Im am definitely more on your side as in no don't do it especially as she is pestering you so much (very annoying) But part of me would also feel like you in feeling guiltyand think what is the worse that could happen really, she may get closure? I don't think I would be comfortable giving out my address with everything that's been done. But maybe if you where out riding and could meet up...but just once. Like once she has met him then make sure that's it. But also I think equally it would be awful kind of you to do that and if you don't want to do any of this then you really don't have to and shouldn't feel bad as it's not your problem. She sold the horse you reassured her he is fine, sent photo and said he won't be passed to anyone anymore. Really she is thinking more of herself getting closure than the horse being ok because you have told her this.

Haven’t read all the replies just your posts but I’m a horse person, had to sell my “one”, I’ve tracked her down on FB, she looks happy and seems to be in a forever home, I wouldn’t DREAM of contacting the new owners, she’s theirs now! I also have a new pony who’s previous owner likes the odd photo, I’ve added them to my FB, they like his photos, add the odd comment and that’s it, because they aren’t bat shit insane!

You’re right she’s going to try owning him by default and sneaking to him, you need to get rid.

Your message is too wordy and too many gaps for response though, toughen up:

“Hi A, T is happy and well and in his forever home, if I ever do need to sell him (very unlikely), I will message to give you first choice. It’s been lovely to learn his history but it’s time for me to focus on bonding with him now, I hope you find another horse that you can love and care for, stay well and goodbye. I won’t be in contact again”

Then send a message on FB or personally to every one who knows where your yard is making it absolutely bloody clear no one is to hand your address out.

Told and shown her YOUR horse is fine

I hear you. I'd be absolutely unashamed with telling someone to back off.

I've been generous and nice in the past and have learned that some people will take advantage and you have to worry about yourself and your life too. OP has a right to peace.

I just feel like this woman sounds unhinged and has an unhealthy attachment/psychologically can't let go and that a lie might be kind in this instance.

I had this, when I bought a lovely pony and the previous owner expected to "pop over" and ride him when she wanted to. Not a chance. If you buy a car, do you expect the old owner to drive it when it suits them? Or if you buy a bed, can the bedshop man call in when he's passing and have a quick kip in it? She sounds like a fruitcake, and you'll have a right old game raking her off once you let her visit. It will become a thing, she'll just turn up.

@Sstrongtn

Haven’t read all the replies just your posts but I’m a horse person, had to sell my “one”, I’ve tracked her down on FB, she looks happy and seems to be in a forever home, I wouldn’t DREAM of contacting the new owners, she’s theirs now! I also have a new pony who’s previous owner likes the odd photo, I’ve added them to my FB, they like his photos, add the odd comment and that’s it, because they aren’t bat shit insane!

You’re right she’s going to try owning him by default and sneaking to him, you need to get rid.

Your message is too wordy and too many gaps for response though, toughen up:

“Hi A, T is happy and well and in his forever home, if I ever do need to sell him (very unlikely), I will message to give you first choice. It’s been lovely to learn his history but it’s time for me to focus on bonding with him now, I hope you find another horse that you can love and care for, stay well and goodbye. I won’t be in contact again”

Then send a message on FB or personally to every one who knows where your yard is making it absolutely bloody clear no one is to hand your address out.

Actually forget my reply...I think this is much better couldn't of put it better myself. (Which I obviously didn't)

'Dear previous horse owner. If you sold me your car, would you expect to come and look at it/ drive it? If you sold your house to me, would you expect to randomly stay over and treat it as if it was still your property? No? The horse is no longer yours. If you loved him so much, why sell him in the first place? He obviously didn't mean that much to you did he? Therefore, off you trot!' 😁👌

Blimey. I wouldn't be letting her visit , once she knows the address you'll never be rid of her . She messed this up for her self really, had she been MUCH less persistent you might have let her come . Its hard selling a horse , even more so if uts circumstances that dictate that you have to. Once they're sold, they're sold, you have no rights to anything.

I really wouldn't give her your address. It will make things far far worse than they are now.

@Homehaircuts

Im am definitely more on your side as in no don't do it especially as she is pestering you so much (very annoying) But part of me would also feel like you in feeling guiltyand think what is the worse that could happen really, she may get closure? I don't think I would be comfortable giving out my address with everything that's been done. But maybe if you where out riding and could meet up...but just once. Like once she has met him then make sure that's it. But also I think equally it would be awful kind of you to do that and if you don't want to do any of this then you really don't have to and shouldn't feel bad as it's not your problem. She sold the horse you reassured her he is fine, sent photo and said he won't be passed to anyone anymore. Really she is thinking more of herself getting closure than the horse being ok because you have told her this.

I don't think she wants closure tbh; I think she's after the opposite. She's trying to mine an increasing seam of contact and physical access that may never end unless the OP puts her foot down, and firmly, now.

Ah @BlueEyesWhiteDragon you're too nice. I know it seems rude to send a really abrupt "don't text/call/facebook me again you crazy woman" message, but that's what she needs to hear.

If you don't feel up to being so blunt, can you get your DH, or a friend, or someone else you trust to message her instead?

Oh God, you don't live in Devon do you?

@BlueEyesWhiteDragon

C is another previous owner of T.

C and A live close to each other and A had a lot of contact with C whilst she owned T.

So many letters! Given how outing this must be already if you are any of the parties involved im not sure why im bothering :)

I was wondering if A had tracked down previous owners & done the same to them.

I've known three women like A, & the thought of it makes me shudder. I'm no longer in touch with any of them, by my choice. I got to know each of them in different ways & we initially bonded over a different thing in each case. What they all had in common was:

• overstepping boundaries

• ramping up demands for length & frequency of contact, from normal at the start to ridiculously abnormal (e.g. a demand for 2-3 hour phone calls several times a week, every week, for one woman)

• moving from ordinary, friendly contact to a sense of entitlement & failure to see me as a real person any more, only as someone there to fulfil their needs & do whatever they wanted, leading to resentment if I wasn't available (I so recognise those 'You didn't answer immediately - are you OK?' messages, with me thinking, 'Yes! F* off & leave me alone!')

In every case, the only way I got out of it was by cutting them off completely. One still tries to engage me, texting (very infrequently) as though we're still talking. I don't respond, so it gets weirder every time. Another tried to use mutual friends who'd known her longer than I had, to get me to re-engage: they turned out to have gone through much the same with her!

I don't know what the answer is for you, because mine were only fixated on me, so I could cut them off more easily. Your wonderful-sounding horse is a complication, & his safety & privacy is a worry. I don't like her saying that she 'needs' the address & that if you don't give it to her she's just going to drive around trying to find him, whereas the normal alternative is to stay away. She doesn't give up, does she?

The number of messages is ridiculous - & then I think you said those are the main messages, not all the badgering ones - !! It's useful to look at the number & frequency of the demands on your time & attention, & contrast that with how much you give to people you actually like.

I hope you find a good solution, one which means she will leave you alone to enjoy your horses. All the best.

I wouldn't even send her any more pics/videos. All the easier for her to work out where he is if you do. Also, if you are keeping him out & unrugged he will not look as he did when she had him so without up to date pics she may not even be able to ID him if she happens across his field while driving around aimlessly.
This must be causing you a great deal of stress at a difficult time, I can quite see why you are worried about this.

@daisyjgrey

Oh God, you don't live in Devon do you?

Well now we all want to know why..

@dontsaveusername Really? She's "mean?" Your post sounds ignorant

I read the first bit and thought, aw that sounds a bit hard on her not to let her come and say hi to the horse occasionally. But then I got to the 104 messages bit and that just rings too many alarm bells. No way would I give location details to someone who was effectively harrassing me. I think you need to write a very clear email telling her she needs to accept that the horse is now yours, she won't get him back, and you are not comfortable about her visiting or keeping in touch, and ask her to stop contacting you or posting about you on social media. If she doesn't comply then I'd contact the police.