To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

She clearly had a close relationship with owners B and C and expects the same with you.

I’m passing your way on Wednesday and thought I’d pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly!

That’s not normal. There’s no request to visit there, she’s saying she’s decided to visit and if you don’t give her the address she’ll drive around until she finds him. I’m curious as to C’s role in this. Does C know this has been planned?

It’s very sad as she obviously adores Horse and thought he’d be in her life for a lot longer, but it’s hard to maintain relationships with people who don’t understand normal boundaries.

I would respond with

Dear previous owner,

Having considered your request I do not feel it is appropriate for you to visit T. The level of messages and the increase in requests is bordering on harassment. Please do not contact me further. T is healthy and happy, I have given you the courtesy of letting you know he is well which quite frankly I didn’t have to. Any further communication will be passed to the police.

It sounds like the previous owner will keep pushing for more and more- and if you aren’t careful she will be turning up whenever she feels like it and before you know it she will be riding him etc.

I sold my horse at 16 and whilst I do still think about her and miss her deeply I would never constantly contact her owner. I may if I knew ask the owner for first refusal should the decide to sell her but that of course would still be their decision.

OP, if you haven't sent it yet, can you remove the mention of sending photos a couple of times a year? I'd be concerned that you'd take photos in his field and she'd try and find the location from them, based on background detail, church spires in the distance etc. I wouldn't be offering anything she could use to find out his location tbh.

She sounds so bonkers and intense that I don't think I'd be offering to provide further updates either. You didn't even buy your horse from her, which makes all her messages even crazier. Unfortunately, when you sell a horse you have to accept that they're not yours anymore and let them go. She knows that he has a good home with you and I think that is enough.

@Lentillover1900

I reckon she’s bored and lonely and lockdown given her too much time to navel gaze

I would allow her to visit, but say I’m afraid it would be just the one visit.

And then not to reply to any further messages

There’s no way you could say “just one visit” to this woman. Once she had the address she’d be over all the time.

I would be against letting her visit simply for the reason then she will have your address/address of where he is kept and, if the 104 messages are anything to go by, I don’t think this is the last you will hear of her and I wouldn’t be surprised if she “happens to be in the area” on regular occasions. Alternatively you could meet up somewhere away from you address? But that is expecting a lot of you.

I expect she feels a lot of guilt about his multiple homes since she had to sell him but she shouldn’t be burdening this onto you.

Have you spoken to her on the phone or just via message/written text? You may not wish to but speaking on the phone could probably get more across than via text. I think you should have a final conversation to say he is in his forever home but should (heaven forbid) the circumstances change, you will be in touch and make it clear, in a polite way, that her behaviour has been too much.

Best of luck.

Hope that message works, OP.

If he ever went back to A, she'd slap shoes on him, give him a full clip, rug him up to the eyeballs and keep him in a stable 24/7.

I think he's better off with you!

So she decided to 'make a day of it'. She'll want to ride him in that case. She's not just going to pat his nose all day.

I’m not going to give you my address and I do not appreciate being hounded through Facebook etc when I don’t respond to your messages. I have a busy life and do not need to accommodate your requests for visits and constant updates on (horse) He is well loved and cared for and has his forever home with us. Please stop trying to track us down as it is becoming overbearing and uncomfortable. Regards Blueeyes

This message written by a PP seems perfect to me.

I wouldn’t in a million years allow her to visit

Then she’ll know your address and will pop in whenever she feels like it. I think you need to be firm.

My other horse’s previous owner is a Facebook friend, she likes the odd pic. We see her at occasional events and she’ll come and say hi and give horse a fuss. That is my limit for contact from previous owners.

You need to say no, full stop. I can fully imagine otherwise that this will quickly become a situation where she visits and rides horse all the time. In other words, she gets all the nice benefits of owning "her" beloved horse but you have to bear the financial cost.

I would send the message but also tell her you are moving 400 miles away.

Don't give the crazy lady your address. And message the girl who told her how to contact you in the first place and make sure she won't either.

Shes behaved in a really weird manner and there's no way you want her or any of her friends knowing where you live or keep your horses.

@Lentillover1900

I'm bored & lonely during lockdown but I haven't turned into a stalker.

[quote SionnachGlic]@Lentillover1900

I'm bored & lonely during lockdown but I haven't turned into a stalker.[/quote]
Bully for you
Perhaps hers has manifested in nostalgia for her horse and she’s desperate to have some contact with him again

My point is
It’s a really tricky lonely time for some
And this person may be really lonely
So yes - I’d allow once

Then I’d shut down further visits

(in case it helps to have a quantity of people more or less saying the same thing!) Your message is nice but leaves the door open to this person, which is something it doesn't sound like you want. I think best to be blunt in this case and suggest:
Dear A, I would prefer that you don't visit. Dobbin is adored and well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days here. I don't ever intend to sell him. The number of messages from you has been excessive and as I will not be inviting you to visit I now consider our communication to be closed and ask that you stop contacting me. Best of luck, X

@Lentillover1900

My point is It’s a really tricky lonely time for some And this person may be really lonely So yes - I’d allow once

Then I’d shut down further visits

You wouldn’t be able to shut down further visits.

I would definitely just say “Look, I appreciate you loved this horse but you’ve sent me over 100 messages asking how he is, I’ve responded he is well, I don’t want you to visit, please don’t contact me again.” Clear, no room for interpretation, and makes her realise she’s in the wrong by highlighting the number of messages.

* You wouldn’t be able to shut down further visits.*

Of course you would. It be trespassing. I’d involve the police

Is he kept on a yard. If he is you can just say no visitors are allowed due to Covid restrictions. If he’s kept at your house, he’d be safely shut away on his stable on Wednesday (actually he would be if he was on a yard too) as it seems like she might actually drive around aimlessly looking for him! Once she finds him, that’s it, she’ll ‘pop in when she’s passing’ whenever she likes!

Do not respond. You owe absolutely nothing to her and if you continue a dialogue it's only going to get worse. Look at her actions so far, she isn't reasonable.
Who cares what her issues are.
Block

@Lentillover1900

My point is It’s a really tricky lonely time for some And this person may be really lonely So yes - I’d allow once

Then I’d shut down further visits

Then how do you manage to stop her rocking up all the time once she knows the address? If she misses the horse that much and is so bored why would she stop at one visit? And I think it's also quite mean saying - this is it, your one visit, then you'll never see the horse again - and as PP have pointed out, OP isn't keeping him as she would have so she feels even more worried/wants to keep seeing him just to check as she wasn't convinced he was ok etc etc but then OP is firm & says no to more visits, it's almost cruel doing that IMO. Honestly I think it's sad but she's also demonstrated she has no respect for any boundaries at all and the kindest thing for everyone - including her - is to slam that stable door shut and bolt it hard! She needs to move on, her behaviour isn't healthy, OP isn't helping if she enables it.

@Lentillover1900

My point is It’s a really tricky lonely time for some And this person may be really lonely So yes - I’d allow once

Then I’d shut down further visits

If she's lonely she needs to talk to her family and friends, not harass the new owner of her precious horse. I think one visit would mean she wouldn't stop, she's shown she can't cut back on the text messages, one visit and she'd be on even more to see the horse. As much as I have sympathy for someone who maybe lonely, that's not the OP problem to deal with

I'd also let the facebook group convenor the situation, and the person who passed on your email. Maybe she is sad and lonely but it doesn't sound like seeing Dobbin would actually help. It's kinder in the long run to cut her off firmly and politely.

Sorry - I missed out a word - I'd also let the facebook group convenor know the situation