To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

OP you have been very accommodating so far but I think your message needs to be much more explicit in terms of what you are willing to do in future and you should definitely scale back your communications - as difficult as it is for her, she sold the horse and has no right to any information. You have given it to her as a courtesy but you have no obligation to continue.

Hi HorseStalker

Horse and I are both well thanks. Unfortunately, I do not feel comfortable giving you the address to visit at this time. In the last few months the number of messages I have received from you has been overwhelming and I do not wish to encourage further communication at such a high level.

I understand how difficult it is to have to sell a horse you had for so long and that you want to make sure he is looked after but as the updates have shown Horse is absolutely adored, well looked after and the intention is that he will live out the rest of his days happily here with me.

Going forward, I am willing to provide you with a couple of updates per year, as a courtesy to your attachment to Horse, and in the extremely unlikely event I need to sell him I will give you first refusal but I will not sustain any more involved contact at this time and any other messages will not be responded to.

I will send an update on Horse in the summer so until then, take care.

BlueEyesWhiteDragon

I'd send her a message to stop messaging you, she still feels a sense of ownership over him which is reflected in her constant messaging.
She is now harrasing you and needs to back off.
If you let her visit once she will keep turning up, or she will message as she is arriving, don't do it.

Exactly this OP. I'm sorry, it is a really difficult situation but I think you need to be firm in your response. Personally, I would cut all contact with her otherwise the messages and the pleading will just continue. Reassure her that if you do ever consider selling T you will contact her first but beyond that you won't be replying or communicating with her from this point.

Is ‘tell her the horse died’ the new cancel the cheque?

your message to her is kindhearted and conciliatory but not clear enough for someone as intense as this, from the way she's behaving it won't stop her, she'll keep coming at you.

if she discovers where the horse is she will never stop turning up, whether you are there or not, and with that you risk the constant critical messages about how you manage your horses. Something you definitely want to avoid.

Rather than asking, start telling. Don't make excuses about how busy your life is, she clearly doesn't care about your life or boundaries as she's already marching right across that even though you've dropped hints. Instead of saying her messages are too much for you, tell her that 5 months of this is harassment and tell her she has to stop. Tell her not to go exploring for the yard, mention covid restrictions and the yard security policy and that you will be forced to report her to the police as any responsible owner would when strangers are nosing round.

Tell her you will email and photos once or twice a year, tell her if you ever decide to sell she can have first refusal but if the harassing messages continue you will be forced to cut all further contact. The harassing messages could be intended to grind you down to the point of selling just so she'll leave you alone, take charge and set her straight.

She clearly loves the horse and her situation is very sad, but imposing on your life to this extent is not OK.

@WisnaeMe

She is very manipulative and controlling OP and up until now you have allowed this. Her 104 messages are harassing you.

She will push the boundaries to achieve her aim of riding him regularly and completely take over.

I agree with your Text message telling her that this contact is no longer appropriate.

I feel awful for you OP, you sound lovely and this has been used against you, stand your ground and if she randomly appears I would not hesitate in calling 101 to log harassment.

Hit Send and end all this now OP 🌺

I agree with this 100%

I think if you allow her to visit once she will keep turning up and interfering with your horse. She is harassing you already and I can well imagine malicious calls to the RSPCA if she disagrees with your husbandry, etc.

To me she sounds potentially unwell and desperate - she has emotionally attached EVERYTHING to this horse. I worry that when you do out your foot down and say no that she will become more desperate and the harassment may increase or take a more sinister turn.

Desperate people do strange things sometimes that they justify in their own minds but to everyone else their actions are WAY out there.

I would send her a very firm NO and STOP CONTACTING ME type message. And if it does escalate or persist I would not hesitate to involve the police.

Hard NO.

And this is one occasion where that is a complete sentence. Solid boundaries are needed here.

Also, if you don’t already I would strongly advise getting decent CCTV covering your horses. You said she lives locally, she knows what you look like from Facebook, knows where you live from your business address, and is already showing that she has no problems harassing people - if she gets desperate she may well step it up and follow you from your home to the stable yard.

@melj1213 is a good response. However, just pause and think about the updates twice a year. That does keep the door open with communication and I think horsestalker will use that promise you have given to keep in contact with you. The messages might ease off for a while but they will then gather pace again. Going forward, I think you could end up being put in a position where you are being emotionally blackmailed to let "A" see the horse.

You could always offer the twice year updates but if A continues harassing you, end them at that point.

Having thought about it some more, I know for a fact I'd have put a stop to this long ago, and I wouldn't have been nice about it. 104 messages? Absolutely not. I'd have simply text "he's not your horse anymore so leave me the fuck alone before I call the police". Maybe I'm a bitch but this is harassment and you being nice is just egging her on.

No way would I give her the address of the horse. One visit won’t be enough for this woman and you won’t be able to do anything right by her regarding her precious horse.
I find it unhinged that she actually contacted the horse passport office to forward her letters for her.

I forgot to add to my post but I would also be telling anyone who she might contact not to give out your information - including your yard address - to anyone without your explicit consent.

If she uses social media to try and pressure you into contact then I would have a stock response prepared - eg "As I have already explained, Horse is well and happy, and updates will be provided periodically as a courtesy. If you continue seeking further contact then I will see it as harassment and all communications will stop entirely."- and never deviate from it.

If I'm honest I'd be dubious about letting her visit once as she will then know where he is and keep turning up.

You need to tell her she is stressing you out with the level of contact and that she needs to back off

Wow...good advice on here. Tell her where to go.

She is not being reasonable and to be honest you’ve put up with it way longer than I would have. Until the horse is hers, nothing you can do will ever be enough for her.

She had the horse for almost 9 years. I'e no experience with horses but have had dogs. If I had to give up a dog after loving and caring for it for almost 9 years I'd be devastated. I would want to see it again and know it was being well looked after. I'd want it back too.

I can see where she is coming from.
I can also see why you are upset and don't want contact.

I was all set to say YABU and should let her visit as she had him for such a long time and it sounds like owner B was a bit shit and didn't keep their promises.

However then I saw 104 messages and now think YANBU

I’ve recently had problems with the previous owner of my retiree.

Retiree was removed from the owner by the RSPCA for severe neglect, was prosecuted and banned from keeping horses.

I think her ban must have ended as she kept contacting me as she was “worried” about retiree - wtf?? Worried about the horse you neglected? Cheeky fucker.

I had sent a few pics to start with but she kept messaging, wanting to visit, wanting updates - the horse is retired, she does absolutely fuck all, there’s nothing to update. What did she think I was going to say - Hi, X did a big shit today? Hi, X ate some grass? Hi, X cost another £120 for a box of Bute - wanna contribute? Who has time for this stuff? Plus - she fucking neglected her!!!

I sent one last very firm, but polite message, telling her not to contact me again and blocked her everywhere.

She posted on local my horsey FB groups - I messaged the admins, explained the circumstances and they chucked her off.

I’d definitely tell the person who gave her your contact details to not give her any more information what so ever.

Send one last very firm message and block her.

I also think you need to be more blunt in your message to her.

I would send her an update, once a year, at Christmas.

You could always offer the twice year updates but if A continues harassing you, end them at that point.

I would agree with that, my response suggestion was what I would see as the "settlement" letter - it firmly sets out the OPs boundaries and what is acceptable on the assumption that the previous owner us a reasonable person (even if she isnt) and leaves it on amicable terms.

Only if the previous owner doesnt behave reasonably then the OP can then escalate it to a "I tried being reasonable, you are now harassing me so I'm shutting down communication due to your behaviour"

Good lord a love triangle with a horse. OP, rip the bandage off and advise - no further contact - end of. The ex-owner has no boundaries and has been burdening her needs above the horse & and all subsequent owners.

Her decision to sell all those years ago needs to be crystalised in her head as a done deal. Ex owner can only regain rights buy purchase, not coat -tailing on your ownership and rights to enjoy unfettered.

Good Luck OP, hope she gets the message.

Is there anyway that you can arrange a visit at "neutral territory"?

If she visits the horse at the stables he is in then what's to stop her trying to call when she "is in the area"?

God, she sounds a bit bonkers. Definitely don't give her your address! You'll never get rid of her. Hope she reacts well to your message.

"Dear crazy ex-horse owner. I have turned T into glue. If you bother me again, you will be next."

Then enjoy riding, caring for and owning T yourself.
(I wouldn't let her visit - she will be there all the time and cause problems for you and T. I would advise her to never contact you again, and if she does, ask the police/PCSO for advice as it is harrasment).

nutter

I reckon she’s bored and lonely and lockdown given her too much time to navel gaze

I would allow her to visit, but say I’m afraid it would be just the one visit.

And then not to reply to any further messages