To think you sold him years ago (horse) so no you cant come visit him

[BlueEyesWhiteDragon]

I bought a(nother) horse last summer from a local dealer as I've lost confidence riding for various reasons and my mare is a bit crazy spirited and I wanted something quiet and ploddy. Hes perfect for this.

About 6 months ago a previous owner of his (from 4 years ago) discovered I had him and keeps getting in touch to ask how he is, can she come visit, do I want to sell him? I've pandered to the first one by replying occasionally and said no to the latter 2 several times but perhaps not bluntly enough.

I've just had a text message tonight saying

Hi Dragon. You haven't replied to my message last night. Hope everythings OK and you are well? How is T doing? Im passing your way on Wednesday and thought Id pop in and visit him with C and give him some carrots but I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Speak soon A xxx

As far as I can tell the history of T is
A owned him from 6 months to 9 years. He was then sold to B with the proviso that they would keep in touch. B sold him 2 years later to Dealer 1 who sold him to person C. 12 months later C sold him to a Dealer 2. Dealer 2 sold him to D who had him just under 6 months before falling off him and so returned him in a part ex for something smaller. I then bought him.
When B sold him to the first dealer A posted on a facebook group to try and track him down. C responded to say she had him and they have been facebook friends since and A went to visit T a couple of times. A was offered him back when C sold him but couldn't afford him. When the second dealer sold him they obviously refused to share details on where he went due to GDPR so A has been posting on facebook groups since then trying to track him down. A girl who used to help me with them saw a post and said she thought he was with me and gave my email address. I received a long email saying how they regretted selling him, about how hed been to loads of homes since them and they just wanted to know he was OK. I responded with some photos through whatsapp, said he was fine and that he had a home for life with me.

Since that original email on 7th October I have had 104 messages asking about him! At one point I blocked her because I had enough but she was posting all over facebook asking for info because I had disappeared and sent letters to the horses passport office asking them to forward them onto me which they did so I unblocked her.

I am at the end of my tether. I dont want the hassle of a previous owner keeping in touch with me. I didnt agree to keep in touch and in fact the dealer never mentioned it. She sold him 4 years ago. I appreciate she loves him and regrets selling him, but thats tough shit isnt it? Hes been to loads of people before me. Its unfortunate that they seem to be local enough to visit. Im debating saying ive sold him just so shell leave me alone but then shell be back all over facbook hunting for him.

AIBU to say no hes mine now. Ive let you know hes OK. If anything happens or changes Ill let you know but Id prefer you not to visit?

She needs to learn to live with her choices. Indulging her desire for contact with the horse won't help her to do that. Agree that a short, firm and polite message is needed to draw a line.

I think I saw this on the FB page, she was completely out of line there too. I agree with others saying send a much briefer message that leaves on room for misunderstanding. "Dear x, here is a lovely pic of pony. As I've said before, he's safe and well and will be with me for the rest of his life. I do not want you to visit and I will not be keeping in touch and giving you updates. Please do not contact me or make any further attempts to find him and visit".

Agree with recent posts. Don't be too nicey nicey about it and do NOT give her your address.

It isn't #unkind to be clear with her. Quite the opposite. She isn't acting rationally and it is right and normal that you sympathise with her. But you can sympathise with someone and also not tolerate how their behaviour affects YOUR wellbeing. Make sure she knows you don't want so much texting, (and yes, specify texting - all communication, whatever) and that you aren't happy with her visiting in person at all. If she still carries on after that, you have a bigger problem and I would get more heavy handed tbh and would possibly mention harassment to the police.

What she has done is harassment. The texts alone are bad enough, but hunting you down via facebook and the horse passport office after you had to block her, is really bad.

Like op, I also feel bad for her and understand how she might be feeling, but that's no reason to let her away with really bad behaviour. A clear, but polite go away is definitely necessary imo.

Don't let the crew on here make you feel guilty for that either.

@lockeddownandcrazy

Hi, Dobbin has a home for life with me and I dont think it would help him for you to visit. He is not for sale and never will be. Thank you for your interest but please stop messaging me now.

I would send exactly this.
Also lol at Dobbin. That's such a horse name.

She sounds like an absolute loon.

Does your yard have CCTV?

@DudeistPriest

Is she well off? Maybe sell him back to her for a very good price.

Your response to harassment would be to sell back your horse

Nah. The horse is not for sale. OP wants to keep her horse. This crazy mad woman just needs to leave well alone.

I can't believe anyone would suggest selling back to someone who behaved like this.

In any case all this woman wants is access to the the horse and yard to become an even bigger nuisance to OP.

Well, she sounds lonely and like she just really loved the horse. 104 messages in 5-6 months is 2 messages a week by very rough calculations. If you are telling the whole truth as I imagine you've replied and you're counting messsgee that were part of a conversation. You also say you blocked her during this time.

If she's honestly been sending 2 messages a week then I would not give her your address. She clearly had boundary issues.

You could send one more reassuring email about how the horse is well loved and a video and more photos.

I don't think one more visit is going to be enough for her.

In an ideal world, I'd invite her to come and see the horse and do catchup dates. This is a lonely and sad world for some and these small acts of kindness go along way. Not everyone can afford to keep a horse.

If she's slightly unhinged though, I worry that you're opening the door to a situation that will cause you both angst.

She sounds unhinged. Send the message, then block her.

@Mummyozzi - OP clarified the 104 were just opening messages and didn’t include replies.

I wouldn't let her have your address or see the horse at all!
Her saying: I need the address else i'll just be driving round aimlessly! Sounds a bit stalker-ish to me, I'd be worried if she's that desperate then the horse may disappear...

I'd say to her, firmly, horse is not for sale, you're not seeing him and not to message again otherwise you'll report her to the police for harassment. Also, I'd be having words with the woman who passed in your email and the horse passport place.

You're being a good horse owner.
She's not thinking of the horse's welfare, only her own gratification.
I think your message is fair and you should then block. If she tries to contact you in any other way, then tell her she is harassing you and you will report her if she contacts you again. And mean it.

I believe that if you need to invoke the Harassment Act you need to explicitly say “please do not contact me again.”

So it might be worth OP making sure that some version of this request is in her message.

Please nobody attack me for saying this but...

You could tell her the horse died.

That way she can just grieve for him & move on. She may eventually have to find out this news one way or another.

She clearly has attachment issues and it might be the kindest thing to do.

Block her and don't engage with her at all.

Why do you feel you need to reply in any way?

You have no need to enter into any correspondence and doing so any going to make her go away, is it.

If you give her the address I guarantee 6mths from now you’ll turn up at the yard to be met with her trotting round on your horse.

@Mummyozzi

Please nobody attack me for saying this but...

You could tell her the horse died.

That way she can just grieve for him & move on. She may eventually have to find out this news one way or another.

She clearly has attachment issues and it might be the kindest thing to do.

I'm not going to attack you for saying it but I really, really don't understand why so many people on MN have "lie about it" as their first response to any situation.

I've owned horses all my life, obviously sold on a few and also done a little bit of dealing, and have a rather odd story 'from the other side'.

I sold a gelding to what seemed to be a nice family - all went well, horse went to them and I received the usual 'he's here and settled' messages that are nice to get when a horse leaves you.

Then they started messaging/phoning/emailing once a day - nothing bad, just to let me know how the horse was and what they were up to. This went on for SIX MONTHS before I finally got my big girl pants on and said 'enough - I sold the horse to you, he's yours now!'

To clarify, I didn't know these people before, they were from outside our area and they competed in a different discipline, so I wasn't going to be seeing them on the circuit. I honestly think they thought they had bought themselves some kind of friendship subscription along with a horse...

For those of you not familiar with the horsey world, it's generally a great community, but it does tend to attract those who have a tendency to, um, take things to the extreme end of the spectrum.

OP, I agree with others that you should shut this down gently but firmly and do not allow any visits or further contact - this has gone on long enough. The passporting authority (is it BHS/ IHS or a breed soc?) certainly shouldn't be facilitating any contact, that's a clear breach of GDPR.

It might also be worth contacting the person who was helping you with your horse who then gave out your email addresses to NOT provide this woman with any further information about you, your horse and where to find either of you. And perhaps remind them that it is not ok to hand out contact details to complete strangers without asking first.

I'd send her a message to stop messaging you, she still feels a sense of ownership over him which is reflected in her constant messaging.
She is now harrasing you and needs to back off.
If you let her visit once she will keep turning up, or she will message as she is arriving, don't do it.

@Mummyozzi

Please nobody attack me for saying this but...

You could tell her the horse died.

That way she can just grieve for him & move on. She may eventually have to find out this news one way or another.

She clearly has attachment issues and it might be the kindest thing to do.

If you read the thread, you will see that bad suggestion has already been made.

Definitely send one final, firm message that he is not for sale and you won't be communicating further.

As others have said, one visit won't be enough and you'll end up with some kind of bizarre equine co-parenting situation with her.

The way you keep him won't be acceptable to her. She'll want to ride him. You'll find her going up there without your knowledge. And worse case scenario, she'll remove him from your property.

And also give the friend that handed out your contact details an earful. Followed by strict instructions not to tel anyone where the horse is.

Really don’t let her visit/know where you live. If you ever do decide to let her visit take him somewhere not related to you.
I wild also be very uncomfortable with the level of Facebook harassment. He is your horse and you sound a lovely owner with his setup. I don’t understand how anyone cannot think your setup is better than 24/7 stabled

@Picassosfriend You can then buy another horse to meet your riding requirements.

It's not as easy as that, as OP has explained. Let's extend your dog analogy a bit further then. Would you say to someone "oh you can just get another dog then"? No? As they are all unique and special? Well to horsey people it's the same - each horse is unique and OP is very happy with her new horse. Why in the name of heck should she give him up to a boundary trampling cheeky fucker and have to start looking again (which could take months and involve her considerable expense to do so?)

@FannyFlapClap

It might also be worth contacting the person who was helping you with your horse who then gave out your email addresses to NOT provide this woman with any further information about you, your horse and where to find either of you. And perhaps remind them that it is not ok to hand out contact details to complete strangers without asking first.

This!

I'd send her a message to stop messaging you, she still feels a sense of ownership over him which is reflected in her constant messaging.
She is now harrasing you and needs to back off.
If you let her visit once she will keep turning up, or she will message as she is arriving, don't do it.

Exactly this OP. I'm sorry, it is a really difficult situation but I think you need to be firm in your response. Personally, I would cut all contact with her otherwise the messages and the pleading will just continue. Reassure her that if you do ever consider selling T you will contact her first but beyond that you won't be replying or communicating with her from this point.